The L word (not the tv show)

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by u-45659172, Jan 27, 2015.

  1. u-45659172

    u-45659172 New Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2013
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hello ladies,

    I find myself in a pickle.
    Ive been in a relationship with this girl for almost 3 months. Weve known each other and were friends for 6 months before that. Ive asked her to move in with me in March. She said yes. Her doing that basically changes her entire future because she had other plans to move away. I know its soon but its something we talked about long before we were ever together. Sounds great right? It is. I like her a lot. We click. She makes me laugh. I love spending time with her and being with her and talking to her. Neither of us have said the L word yet.

    I think Im freaking out.

    Sometimes I cant help but think Im in love with her. We'll be laying there and Ill look at her and Ill want to tell her. Sometimes Im not sure. Ive started pulling away and I can feel it. I dont want to end our relationship. Just thinking about that makes me want to throw up. But Im avoiding being around her and everytime she kisses me I flinch (that just started Sunday. Shes sick I think thats part of it). We're still constantly texting though.
    Im a complete mess. This relationship is the first for both of us. Im not sure I was prepared for feeling this way.

    For those of you that have said the L word....
    How long into your relationship did you say it?
    Did you get crazy anxious before hand?
    Anyone have any advice?
     
    #1
  2. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    414
    Likes Received:
    382
    The fiance and I were dating for 6 months before I said it. She has this thing where her accent keeps her from saying wolf, it comes out "woof"... It makes my heat melt because she goes red when she says it lol! ... So I blurted out I love you when she said it one day... But anyways, the feelings before you say it, anxious butterflies like crazy!

    The best advice I can give is, if you feel it, say it!
     
    #2
    greylin likes this.
  3. u-45659172

    u-45659172 New Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2013
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    That is so cute :)

    Anxious butterflies doesnt really describe it....more like....dread? Im not sure. I'm so confused!
     
    #3
  4. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    414
    Likes Received:
    382
    If you two are talking about moving in together, than she must be feeling how you feel too... There's the positive! It's not like you'll be saying I LOVE YOU... And all you get back is "thank you".

    If dread and repulsive is what you really feel, then it would be worrying. But from what I get out of what you're saying, you're just nervous about putting all your cards out there. Once you get it out, you'll feel better. I wanted to say it to my gf after three months, and just didn't know what to do until you've said it... Then you'll wonder why it took you so long to say 3 words.
     
    #4
    greylin and rac like this.
  5. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2014
    Messages:
    274
    Likes Received:
    251
    I wanted to say those words the day I met my gf but that would have been creepy :p. I haven't; still afraid she'll run screaming if I do. Not that that may happen to you.

    I agree with @Just Me, say it when you're ready.
     
    #5
    greylin likes this.
  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    If you can't talk to her about this, you aren't ready to live together and you aren't ready for her to make a future altering decision about where to live.

    If you feel like you love her, cowboy up and say it. And if she freaks out, its better you guys figure this out now, before you've followed up on these big commitments you've made.

    And you guys are moving real fast on moving in together.
     
    #6
    Emm, greylin and MujerLoba like this.
  7. u-45659172

    u-45659172 New Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2013
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    I dont think its that I cant talk to her about it. I think if I said it shed say it back. Call it a hunch. But I think that its me freaking out for feeling it. Cause yep...freaked. I just dont know how to get over myself and get unfreaked.

    We talked about moving in together back in September before we ever became a couple. The timing was just off for both of us. I know that moving in as a couple is different and youre right we may be moving fast on moving in together. But Im leaving in March and I know I dont want to leave without her.
     
    #7
  8. MujerLoba

    MujerLoba New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2013
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    8
    Honestly, I don't think you're ready to move in together. Moving in together should feel fantastic, the thought of it should make you feel fuzzy and warm inside, and you should both definitely feel and know that you love each other. Also, you should be able to discuss this kind of thing with her, there has to be complete trust and honesty. Because living together is a whole different bag of chips. You'll start seeing all those things that you never get to see when you're just dating. You get to see your partner in all of their unmasked glory, and that is, sometimes, quite a shock. For them, as well, because you aren't perfect either. So what gets you through those first nasty moments of realizing that your partner poops, snores, has a really bad day with terrible humor, gets sick, has her period > maybe mood swings, and all the other things that we inevitably show when we are with someone 24/7, is love. Genuine, deep, stable love. If you flinch now when she kisses you, you will flinch much more when she has morning breath. If you are pulling away from her now, you will pull away much more when you realize that your own space is now a shared space. It sounds to me like you're ignoring your intuitions signs. Flinching when being kissed by your partner is NEVER a good sign. When you love someone, you just KNOW it. I told my wife I loved her the second day. And I wanted to tell her first, but she did. We moved in together after 6 months or so, and it has been tough but incredibly beautiful, because we both were sure that we would be fine with all the things mentioned earlier, that we would be ready to deal with our patterns and habits, and we decided to get an apartment with one extra room for each of us. Make sure you do what feels right, and if you're not 100% sure of wanting this with all your being, then you better get ready for a very strenuous time, moving in and moving out.
    Maybe I am wrong though, and you'll stop flinching at her kisses once you sign the contract for renting that flat.

    Wish you luck!
     
    #8
    Bluenote, greylin and Just Me like this.
  9. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    This thread started a fight between me and my gf. I asked her, "Hey, <insert sentiment = most awesome person in everyway>, didn't I say I love you after like the 3rd day? She said, "No, 3rd hour!"

    For us we just knew at the time we met and it came out naturally and didn't frighten either of us. In all these years, we still have our miscommunications and I am sure there are things I can improve on being a better partner, but I have no doubts we love each other.

    Edit...Forgot my point, which is, by my experience when you are already in a relationship, the L word is rarely the reason for problems. It is all kinds of little things that can kill a relationship. One of the reasons I like being in a relationship is the companionship. I can't imagine being unable to say the most positive emotion I have for my closest companion.
     
    #9
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2015
  10. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    My wife and I knew each other for two years before we started dating; we dated for about five months before she told me she loved me (I followed up about a month later; contrary to sitcom wisdom, healthy relationships can survive when both partners aren't able to be all declarative at the same time). She told me she loved me in a careful, planned way; I told her once, in my sleep, and once after I picked a dumb fight - because I realized that what I was actually angry about was that I might lose her. We were long-distance at the time, and about a year into our relationship I moved to the city she lived in; two years in, we moved across the country and in together. At each of these transitions, we had hiccups - which we weathered - because when things change, new incompatibilities and challenges get revealed.

    I think you are moving WAY too fast, especially for a first relationship. You've been together for three months, which means both of you are high on lots of lusty, lovey-dovey bonding hormones (which will go away in 3-9 months, no matter what you do). Neither of you has any experience dealing with the transition to long-term relationship from crazy-in-love, and you have no idea how you will react. If you build your whole lives around this honeymoon, what are you going to do when it ends? What are you going to do when you find that your living styles are incompatible? That you need more space that she does? Not that these aren't challenges that can be solved, but that you have so little history and habits of problem-solving with her - and you clearly can't talk to her about how you're feeling.

    If she wants to make the decision to prioritize your relationship over her (or your? I'm a little confused) move, she can do that (independent of whether you are living together). You can do the same. Or you can decide to try long-distance, because your relationship is important but so are your plans and your futures.

    And before you do anything else, figure out how to TALK to her. Tell her how you feel. If you can't say love, because of whatever baggage you have, tell her how much you like her. How much fun you have with her. I'm sure you can find some words to share what you're feeling that feel safe and sayable while you figure the rest out.
     
    #10
    greylin likes this.
  11. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2014
    Messages:
    274
    Likes Received:
    251
    A question - why is saying you love her freaks you out? It's more curiousity than anything. I'm wondering, actually.

    For me, I'm not afraid to say it. It's more I'm scared to find out what the reaction will be.
     
    #11
  12. TreeFruit

    TreeFruit Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2015
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    3
    Search your heart, through and through. The worst move ever is to break your own out of impatience. We all work so swiftly these days and are quick to latch on to any positive feelings/energy. You very well may be developing a feeling of love-intimate care and respect for her, and that's so utterly natural, you want to assume it means more. Take your feelings exactly as they come. After only 3 months it would be naive to say you're in love. Happiness and delight are wonderful states of being, try not to give in to your urge to label & cap it, let your newfound joy run free. The word "love" will be there for you to use just as merrily 2 months from now or even further along the way.
     
    #12
  13. LPretreat

    LPretreat Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2015
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    6
    So many outcomes in this situation. It can go great or horribly. The fact that you live together makes me think you should be fine saying it. I remember I had been dating a girl for about a month when she told me she loved me. I was so caught off guard because I was about to get on a plane so I just said it back. HUGE MISTAKE. So yeah it definitely depends on the circumstances and yours are looking good so go for it!
     
    #13
  14. gr8dane

    gr8dane Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2015
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    11
    Please be sure of how you feel before saying those words. An ex of mine text me those words and then took them back a few months later siting a "mistake". A huge red flag I ignored and am now soooo much better off not with her.

    Only say it if you truly feel it in your heart and in addition, if you are going to back up those words with actions of love. Both are needed.
     
    #14

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice