The Big O

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by AnonAndro, Oct 22, 2018.

  1. AnonAndro

    AnonAndro New Member

    Oct 22, 2018
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    Hello AE. This is a long time listener first time caller type of situation, so thank you AE for existing. Here is the deal-I have never been able to orgasim. I have been with my girlfriend for close to eight years and she is the only person I have been with sexually. Don't get me wrong, sex with her feels really good and I know she is enjoying it and is able to get off but for some reason I have never gotten there. We have talked about it but are both at a loss. I have tried masterbating, watching porn, reading erotica but nothing seems to work. Does anyone else have this problem? Has anyone had it but has been able to overcome it? Any and all advice is welcome.
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    I was anorgasmic into my mid twenties, and two years into my relationship with my now-wife. Learning to orgasm - and it really was a learning process - required that I feel totally safe, that I felt in control, that my pleasure was centered in sex. It meant letting go of the idea that I was picky or demanding, and trusting my partner would tell me if she needed a break. It meant that sometimes, I would recognize that I wasn't enjoying sex enough and ask to come back after a snack or a cuddle break. It meant walking the fine line between just right and too much stimulation, and communicating with my partner every step of the way about what, how much, and where I wanted her. I think the first time I actually came, it was after almost an hour of attention from my partner.

    Practically speaking, that meant that often, I was on top for mutual stimulation; lots of oral sex (seriously!); trying out vibrators solo and during sex with my partner. Little things, too - more people orgasm while wearing socks! because they aren't distracted by cold feet.

    I really like Emily Nagowski's framework, of sexual desire and arousal as two related but separate systems: gas pedal and brakes. Either system can be anywhere on a spectrum from very sensitive to less responsive. For me, for example, I get aroused pretty easily - touchy gas pedal - but also anxiety can pretty easily overwhelm my desire and shut it down - so also touchy brakes. Knowing what influences your arousal - how and how easily it gets started, how and how easily it shuts down - can let you create the right conditions.

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