TGL in a gentleman's body

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Greg, Jun 26, 2016.

  1. Greg

    Greg Well-Known Member

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    Hi, everyone. My name's Greg, I'm an American (Maryland), and I've actually been a member of the site for a couple years, but never posted very much. Maybe the content of this post will help explain that. I don't know if I'm posting this in the right place—if there is a right place—but maybe someone can bump it if not.

    I am a 33-year-old hetero man. On the outside. I'm sorry if that automatically makes me less than welcome. Believe me, it's the first thing I would change if I could. Honestly...I hate it. I'm miserable in my skin. I'm a transgender lesbian on the inside, and that's really the person I feel like I should be. I'm not making this up, for anyone who might be suspecting I am. I already hate being male in the first place, for a hundred reasons, The fact that I have clinical depression doesn't help either. All I really do is think about it, and write lots of erotic lesbian fiction on the site Literotica—but not for THAT reason. It's basically to live vicariously through the characters, and just try to hang out in that other world a little.

    I have an apartment, a wife, a job, a cat, and a few loving family members. Some might say from that I'm pretty fortunate, but honestly—probably the depression talking—all I can see's my downsides. I feel invisible, unhappy, uninteresting and not very special. The only reason I'm posting this here is I just feel like a gay woman inside, and I know if I could be one—via surgery or whatever—I'd be happier, in most if not all ways. Having some companionship or support would help a little, but I don't know what to do past that. They don't exactly have groups for someone like me. Just thought I'd put it out there. I don't expect anyone to really respond or anything (if anyone does, cool, I'm just not expecting it), just letting it float out into cyberspace. Thanks, Greg
     
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  2. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

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    Hi Greg! First of all, welcome to AE! I think it's great that you felt the courage to finally post here and share your story :)

    I know there might still be some transphobia (just like there is biphobia) in certain parts of the lgbt community, but I think and hope that the AE members are accepting and supportive enough that you will be welcomed to our little community here! ('And if not, you just shit on their faces!' That's what a straight former colleague of mine said right after the proposal to a gay colleague of ours when he was questioning whether someone might have had a problem with the fact that it happened publicly between two guys. Her immediate response 'Of course not. And if they do, you just shit on their faces' has stuck with me ever since. Yes, it made me laugh and yes it's quite extreme for lack of better words, but what really made me appreciate it so much is that it came instantaneously. Just like our acceptance of each other should never have to be questioned, just because one might not have the exterior one identifies with on the inside).

    I'm sorry to hear about the hard times you're experiencing with this - it's a massive burden to live a life where you can't be 'yourself', but I do hope that by being part of the community and talking to some people, reading the threads etc, you'll feel a tiny bit lighter.

    I know you said 'they don't exactly have groups for someone like me' but I think you're wrong there. In fact, I did do a quick Google search for maryland and trans resources, and I did find some websites with lots of material for people identifying as trans and centres and people you could reach out to. I know that's a huge and scary step, but maybe you could have a look into the websites and see if there's something of interest there?
     
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  3. Greg

    Greg Well-Known Member

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    Hi, Gyldenragg...is that name Scandinavian, by the way, or something close to it? Just curious, it looks a little like Swedish, for "golden hair," or something of the sort (Swedish is my second language). By the way you spelled "centre" I presume you're somewhere in Europe (or Australia). Well, yes, I have been on AE for a couple years, just never posted much before. I was feeling pretty down 24 hours ago and just wanted to reach out to someone(s) who might understand my issues or feelings, perhaps a bit more intimately than the majority out there...

    Seems a bit strange to have T- or B-phobia in a community whose initials include the very same T and B, but... *shrug* ...heck, we'll never be able to please everyone. There'll always be misandry and misogyny to be swapped back and forth, and isn't that ****ing lovely...well, I hope so too, though you're the first person to reply to anything I've posted. Thank you, by the way, I don't want you to think I'm unappreciative, 'cause I'm not; far from it. Seeing your reply is kind of the high point of today for me. But yes, that sounds like a philosophy on which many will get by.

    I suppose I can read as many threads as I please. Or even respond to some of them...though getting folks to talk and interact with me's a little taller order. Everything in my intro having been said, I do kind of feel like I "belong" here, I just dunno how many of the AE community would be so willing to accept, chat with or befriend a dude like myself—even if I am, as mentioned, only a dude on the outside. If it were that easy, I'd already have loads of lebbi friends that I didn't create myself. Some of my Readers are lesbians, but I don't get to associate with them very much. Anyway, I suppose I can always just look through resources...no harm in just checking things out, after all. Anyway, my mood's elevated a little since last night. Thanks so very much for your reply, it does mean a lot. —Greg
     
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  4. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

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    I'm floored haha! Yes, it's Scandinavian (although it doesn't technically mean much, I just 'made it')! Velkommen ;) Alltid greit med litt mer Scandi-representasjon her på forumet! As you can see I'm Norwegian, but it's close enough. How come you have Swedish as your second language? I'm guessing you're (part) Swedish? Have you been there as well?

    You're right I'm somewhere in Europe, actually kind of drifting around here. ;p I studied in England and worked for a couple of years in the Netherlands after that and now I'm back in Norway (for now anyway). But you just pointed out something that would have had my old English teacher raise her eyebrow at me... She always said she didn't care for our spelling and pronunciation (whether it was the American version or British version) as long as we stayed consistent. But after having lived in England for a while and having friends from literally everywhere I think my English has gotten so messed up ;p I'll surely remember pay attention to the 'centre' next time, thanks! (Because yes, I chose the American version for a number of reasons).

    Yes, you're so right about it being weird to have T- and B-phobia in the already marginalized minority that lgbt is. Or in general that minorities can be so unsupportive of each other when we have, to a certain extent, quite similar experiences. Of course, I'm pointing out that there is some phobia to be found but I don't want you to go in with that expectation necessarily. Most people in the community, or at least the ones I've been lucky enough to meet and befriend, are amazing and open-minded. So I'm sure you'll make some great friends, but sometimes it takes some time. (Having some relation to a Nordic country you can just liken it to 'making friends' here, it takes a long time I suspect).

    I think it's great that you feel like you belong here - that's largely what the forum is intended for I'd say. It brings part of the community together, although it isn't as active as it used to be, and provides a sense of belonging (especially to the ones who might not find it so easily where they live). If you feel like sharing any interesting resources you come across, please feel free to do so! I think it's only great if the rest of us can learn something along with you - at least I would like to!

    You know, in Norway they very recently passed a law stating that transgender people can legally change their gender/self-determine their gender without necessarily having to go through the full process as was required in the past. I didn't know this until I joined one of the panel debates on the topic of 'trans in media' during the pride week we had last week. Very informative stuff! Then again you have some people who believe it would be more effective or just as important to introduce the notion of a third gender ('hen' or 'hin' in Norwegian in addition to our 'han' and 'hun'). Not sure what will come of it yet but I actually have a strong feeling it will pass at some point in the near future.
     
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  5. Greg

    Greg Well-Known Member

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    Well, cool, glad I could give you a good flooring. Tack så väldigt mycket, och jag håller mig med, alltid fantastiskt att ha lite mer skandinavisk representation här på forumet...wow, that's amazingly close. Of course, those two countries are right next to each other. Actually, believe it or not, neither one. I'm mostly Italian on my Dad's side and a little Polish on my Mom's...and I've been to Mexico on a cruise, but never off the continent. But my favorite band is from Sweden—and no, before you even ask, it's not ABBA. It's Roxette. Marie and Per. I collected all their albums about a decade ago, except of course the new ones, including the brand-new one that just came out this month. So then I also started getting their solo stuff, which is most in their native language. So natch, I was curious what the heck they were singing. My wife Jenny and I got our kitty, the feline daughter, Annie, from a Norwegian woman too, her name's Vencka.

    Wow, well, I certainly envy you, in a lot of ways, clearly. But yes, I wish I could travel around like that too. Well, yeah, as far as the spelling goes, to bring up Roxette for but the second time, one of my FAVORITE favorite songs of theirs (and that's a distinction) is called "The Centre Of The Heart"—spelled precisely that way. Not that I wasn't aware of the European spelling of certain words before. Well, I don't care too much about the way someone spells or uses language as long as I can understand them. I can be a stickler about spelling/grammar/punctuation—although I wouldn't use the word "Nazi" or anything—I only correct people about it if they're being a jerk and deserve it.

    I think it's good to just go on a case-by-case basis and meet people one at a time and form opinions of them individually. People really can't be lumped together in a group based on ANY sort of traits, really—as much as they do it anyway. The one that makes me want to just explode the most is when (straight) women say so many hurtful things about my entire gender based on the few bad apples they've met or dated. And despite what I've been told my whole life, it's just the "straight" ones who hate us. 'Course, that goes both ways too. And...oh, I suspect it's going to take a GOOD big bit of time, depending on how much the community grows. Unfortunately, I'm sure the 'L' part's a little wary of guys around automatically, 'cause a number of them have kind of screwed that up for me, talking to them and using the word "threesome" (sigh). Not cool. You guys are lesbians for a REASON, after all.

    I still can't help but feel like I kinda belong here, though. Well, okay, so I'm kind of an MRA—THAT part may not belong here, but oh well. I know this is wrong and stupid, but at this point if I watching TV or whatever and hear a woman say the words "my husband" or "my boyfriend," my eyes roll almost reflexively. Like, oh, geez, another one? This really IS a pretty small Sapphic slice of the whole population. Don't know what kind of resources I could offer up offhand, but from what I've read on the Experience Project, that seems like a pretty open place to share personal things about oneself and have it decently accepted.

    Yeah, I think we caught that news over here in the States too. That's interesting too, 'cause on a linguistic level, at least Swedish, which has two noun genders, used to have a third as well, kind of a combination of masculine and feminine. Those of course would be the two most other languages have. I've dabbled in Spanish in high school—we pretty much had to—and some Irish later on, with an Irish friend I had sometime ago—and even a TEENY tiny bit of German. Makes for some hopefully interesting changes in the future. Between us, I think about having what I'm now calling the Jenner operation every day (I think about something else every day too, but that's a dark bummer, and I don't want to say that out loud). I know it's a lot to think about...hopefully it can be covered by healthcare, but that's a little impossible to know just yet. Anyway, more to come next time. <3 L, Greg
     
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  6. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

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    Wait wait hang on, so you learnt Swedish all by yourself without having any connection to the country? That's awesome! How well do you speak/understand it? Also, yup, I know Roxette (at least their most famous songs). Very A-ha-esque (just to bring in another Norwegian link ;p). But it's true! Do you speak any Italian/Polish then, considering your family background?
    Funnily enough I can think of more Danish/Swedish contemporary artists I like than Norwegian ones. I'm not a fan of songs in Norwegian though. Same with most Norwegian films. There are, of course, exceptions to the rule but generally they have tended to be rather disappointing for lack of better words.

    You're right about the linguistic side btw! Although if there's one thing I love about the Norwegian language (and as far as I'm aware, Swedish doesn't have this although Danish does), the word for 'girlfriend/boyfriend' is completely gender neutral. It's called 'kjæreste', which literally translates as 'dearest'. It's adorable, but also useful for those situations where you might not want to jump into a whole conversation with someone about the fact that 'yes, I'm dating a girl and yes I'm also a girl so yes, that would make me a lesbian (or bi, depending on the person ofc) if you want to bother with labels'.

    Hey, one thing I was thinking about.. Have you talked with your wife about any of this? You obviously don't have to respond to that if you're not comfortable talking about it!
     
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  7. Greg

    Greg Well-Known Member

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    Been waiting twice and hanging on quite a while now...just kidding. Language was one of my better subjects in school along with math. I wasn't a great student overall, though, and had I been trying to learn some offshoot of history or science, I wouldn't have fared so well. I have gotten pretty darn fluent with it, if I say so myself. It helps to have loads and loads of songs to sing along with and translations of Disney movies I long since memorized. I know a-ha as well, yes, just the one major hit, though, admittedly. "Take On Me"...BEST, MUSIC VIDEO, EV-ER. I know it's been criticized for its wacky grammar, but if you translate those words into Norwegian or Swedish and then translate them back, it comes out "Touch Me." ("Touch me, touch me, I wanna feel your body...") I actually don't think I know any Danish artists. One Icelandic one (Bjork).

    Right, in Swedish it's "käraste," also "dearest," pronounced pretty much the same way. Swedish does have individual words for "boyfriend" ("pojkvän") and "girlfriend" ("flickvän") as well. They are adorable languages, as folks from Nordic lands similarly tend to be. Labels are unnecessary, though you have to refer to a person as something, just for sake of communication. I personally have no problem with the word "lesbian"—though I know it's not everyone's favorite term—though I find the 'd'-word (for "lesbian," the one with the long 'i' sound) very offensive. I won't use it in conversation, though I've used it writing a couple stories, but just demonstratively to point out its offense.

    Oh, yes, I've told Jenny everything. She knows everything I've posted on AE and told you and more. The cool thing about her is she's bisexual. So even if I were to get a surgery one day, we could still be together. I told my Dad about it, 'cause I usually talk to him about anything and everything, and he doesn't have a problem with it exactly, but advised me not to tell too many people that kind of thing. It was kind of discouraging...'s certainly not like he doesn't love me anymore or vice versa, but it feels kind of like I'm being told I should suppress or conceal my inner identity. Anyway, I wanna make some more posts in the forums and status updates. Someone liked a couple of them and commented on one of them (!), one greylin by name. My second acquaintance on here after you...well, technically my third, I think; several years ago I exchanged a post with someone else, but I have no idea if it's here anymore. Anyway, chat at'cha later. —Greg
     
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Thank you, Greg, for the intro. I think you are the cool one. :)
     
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  9. Greg

    Greg Well-Known Member

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    *blush blush* You make me blush. ;)
     
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  10. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

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    Languages are awesome! And hey, what better way to brush up your language skills than with Disney! Or Harry Potter in my case right now :) Some Danish artists you should look into: MØ. Denmark + Winter. Mew. Efterklang. (Oh, did you know Madcon is Norwegian btw? A lot of people I know are surprised at that at first, but nope...they really are Norwegian ;p Maria Mena is another good one of ours).

    Oh, and you're right. Technically Swedish also has the word 'käraste' but you will never hear anyone from Sweden actually using it. They always go for the individual ones. Sometimes they can also refer to it as 'min kille' or 'min tjej', which means there's generally always a gender-defined version.

    So cool that your wife is so fine with it! :) And although it might sting to a certain extent with the way your dad put it, I think both you and I know that he only said that because he cares for you and wants to protect you from the potential backlash from others. All in all, it's great that you have strong supporters like both of them around you!
     
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  11. Greg

    Greg Well-Known Member

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    Indeed, min väninna (om det faktiskt går bra å kalla dig min väninna). I think I may have missed answering this question of yours before, but I know a few words here and there in Italian—it's pretty similar to Spanish—but not really any in Polish. You folks out there in the smaller European countries of course learn English early on 'cause it's the second most-spoken language there is, I believe...in Sweden I think they start learning it by, what, fourth grade? And so even though some Europeans' English is better than others', at least you get to be fundamentally bilingual. Okay, I'll have to check out those artists when I've a chance.

    Well, I have heard "kära" (or "käre") used in a song or three, but not really "käraste." That is indeed a word that sounds more like it belongs in the national anthem or elsewhere. I was thinking about all this stuff in our conversations earlier today—or yesterday; as of two minutes ago my time, it's now July—doing a couple errands (though I'd rather have been napping). This may sound a little strange or premature in a way, but once I start getting acquainted with someone and to know them a little bit, I like to start pretending they're with me on a car ride. Sort of like an imaginary friend in a way, even though the person exists in real life, but not someone I'm still actively "talking to" once I'm out of the car.

    Yeah, they're really nice to have around. Things were a little different when I was younger, of course, but my whole adult life I've had a really amazing relationship with my Dad. Something apparently not everyone can say, unfortunately...the details of my relationship with my Mom in the past are a little different, and something I don't really want to go into right now. OH, but I was eager to tell you about this. I've begun publishing on another free web site. I polished up one of my older Literotica stories and put it up on a site called NovelTrove. It's about a girl whose platonic dude best friend surprises her on her birthday with a live concert by her favorite singer, where she meets the girl who eventually becomes her sweetheart in the sequels. This is a smaller community than Literotica, but that means that with less content, your story's likelier to get attention (even if straight material's generally more popular than gay material). It's been live there about 24 hours and has 3 thumbs-up, and a very approving comment. Another several days, I'll certainly re-edit its sequels and add them, amongst some of the other sweet Sapphic stories I've penned.
     
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