Taking things slow

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Diana, Aug 11, 2013.

  1. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    Hey! First of all, English is not my first language, so I'll apologise in advance for my mistakes, hope they won't be many :)

    I'll start with some background information. I'm 20 years old, living in the capital of Romania. I'm not from this city, I'm here for college, so my parents are not around, I can be more free than I ever was. Not that I do crazy stuff, but Romania is not exactly full of open minded people and my parents don't know about my sexual orientation (mom believes that i'm in love with my best friend, who also happens to be gay). So being in this city, far from my parents, gave me the opportunity to not hide my sexual orientation anymore and start dating. I only dated 2 girls: the first one for an year and a half (our relationship started while I was still home, in my last year of highschool and continued once I moved in Bucharest, her hometown), and the second one, I only been with her for half an year.

    My problem is related to my second relationship. I met the girl and after 2 dates, asked her to be my girlfriend. It all happened really fast, because I'm usually this way, jumping head first. Of course, I did it because I liked her a lot and felt a connection and all that nice stuff. But after 5 days in the relationship, she told me that she had some health issues that she needed to resolve. I was fine with it, I liked her and I was not going to break up with her because of that. I was sure that this was just a little problem that she will fix and we would be having a beautiful relationship.

    A month in the relationship, she was still having her problems. We couldn't see each other very often, even though we lived in the same city, in the same area. She was always busy with work and doing check ups. When she made time to see me, we always had an amazing time, we were really happy and, at that moment, all seemed perfect. But things were not going to improve, she had less and less time and felt sick most of the time. I decided to stick to her because we did care a lot about each other and I couldn't leave her just because she was sick. But I was tired of being scared and not knowing what she has, because she kept things from me, to protect me, which made me even more scared. I won't go on with the details, because you got the idea. A few months later, she had a breakdown in the middle of the street and screamed at me that she had brain cancer. While I didn't know what she had, brain cancer always poped in my mind, but tried to get it off my mind because I knew I'm not a doctor and she couldn't possible be this sick. Except she was.

    We had to break up, not because we didn't care about each other, but because she was working during the week, and in the weekend, she drove to another city to get her treatment, so there was no time for us. We decided to be friends and we are still friends.

    There are now a few months since we broke up and I might like someone. But I'm not ready for a relationship after just a few conversations and dates. I'm scared that I might jump again in a relationship and then discover things that will show me that maybe I should have waited before asking her to be with me. This girl that I'm talking to, she also likes me. My problem is: how do I tell her that I like her back, but at the same time, that I need more time with her before actually being with her? I see people around me that jump in relationships as fast as I did and I'm sure she doesn't have the time to wait for me. I want to get to know her in a serious way, to make sure we can work. I don't want another relationship that will exhaust me and make me cry myself to sleep and be worried all the time.

    There is also another reason because of which I'm not ready to be in a relationship. My ex still loves me and she is convinced that she will always love me. I'm far from being the perfect girlfriend, but even after breaking up, up till today, when she had 10 minutes, she will come and help me if i needed something. And she helped me with a lot of stuff, things most people won't do for you, even when she felt really sick, she always wanted to make sure I'm ok and happy. She is having surgery in a few days and she wrote me a letter that she will send to me before leaving to the hospital. And I don't feel it's right for me to be with someone while she still loves me. At least, until she is healthy again. I don't want to break her heart, everytime she cried because she knew we can't be together, it broke my heart and I felt useless for not being able to make her feel better. I really don't want her to suffer anymore because of me. And I know that she hopes we'll get together again after she gets better. But my feelings are not there anymore, I lost them in those nights when I cried myself to sleep because I didn't know what was happening to her. I now love her as a friend and it wouldn't be fair to her to get back together because she loves me, even though my feelings are not the right ones for a relationship.

    I would really want to know what you would do in my situation. How would you explain to someone that you like them, but you can't be with them right now and still hope they will stick around? And how would you go on with your life without hurting your ex?
     
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