take a break or break up?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by jesse, Mar 10, 2014.

  1. jesse

    jesse Member

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    I desperately need advice ladies. I suggested we take a break, then the conversation went from fully breaking up to taking a break with no intention of breaking up...

    Some background: We've been dating for a few months now. We're both university students and extremely busy with school with the term coming to an end. We live two hours away from each other so we don't see each as often as I would like. I suggested we take a break after our most recent fight about me being stressed and being cold to her. This was our conversation, I apologize it's really long :oops:

    (J is me, T is her, E is her ex)

    [ 10:27:32 ] Me: so what do you think about taking a break?
    [ 10:27:51 ] Her: Idk i dont mind. Youre the one that wants to take a break. Lol and you say you missed me… thats some bullshit
    [ 10:29:24 ] Me: i do but it's not like i can see you in person no matter how much i miss you. i dont want to argue, you can believe what you want
    [ 10:29:52 ] Her: Aiight. Lmfao
    [ 10:30:50 ] Me: one of the reasons is that i'm feeling overwhelmed with school and being in a relationship at the same time. i want to take a break until the end of the school term, so mid-april
    [ 10:31:11 ] Her: alright thats cool
    [ 10:32:49 ] Me: which will give me some time to think about us
    [ 10:33:11 ] Her: what is there to think about? How about you break up with me right now
    [ 10:34:25 ] Me: ... that's not my intentions right now, but if you want to, i can respect that
    [ 10:34:38 ] Her: You said it’ll give you some time to think about us. So that means during the break, you’ll be busy
    [ 10:35:00 ] Me: taking a break is not necessarily breaking up
    [ 10:35:05 ] Her: And by the end you’ll break up with me, but you JUST said you needed time to think about us. What is there to think about?
    [ 10:36:02 ] Me: well yeah, i thought that was kind of the point of taking a break, to re-evaluate
    [ 10:36:27 ] Her: I thought it was cause you’re stressed with school + relationship
    [ 10:36:40 ] Me: yes that's one of the reasons
    [ 10:36:48 ] Her: so reevaluate now and tell me what you want. Im not gunna be on a break just to have you say no at the end, the fuck?
    [ 10:37:56 ] Me: i just said i need some time, if i had the answer now, i wouldn't have suggested a break
    [ 10:38:15 ] Her: To reevaluate in why you wanna be in a relationship with me. that means, you dont wanna be in a relationship with me
    [ 10:39:35 ] Me: no, it means i don't feel like i have the time
    [ 10:39:50 ] Her: when youre the one stressed and being rude to me. Okay, wow. i never even suggested a break, lmfao
    [ 10:41:12 ] Me: i hate how i am when i'm stressed. so i don't want to put you through that either
    [ 10:41:25 ] Her: why do you need a break? Dont like me anymore? We can still not see each other till mid april, but you want a break, so that means you dont like me anymore
    [ 10:42:39 ] Me: not see each other and taking a break are different things
    [ 10:43:03 ] Her: not seeing each other means we wont physically see each other because we're busy.
    [ 10:43:33 ] Me: i know, but taking a break removes even more commitment
    [ 10:43:34 ] Her: Taking a break means you dont like me anymore, so you want to be away from me, so you dont want commitment? Alright
    [ 10:44:12 ] Me: i'm not sure, that's why i need time
    [ 10:44:15 ] Her: so we're done? Alright. if youre not sure, it means you dont want it. If you have to question, it means you dont like me
    [ 10:45:17 ] Me: says who? i can't have a little doubt?
    [ 10:45:46 ] Her: what is wrong with our relationship that you need to take a break? Besides the fact that were both busy because its near the end of the term you cant handle school and commitment
    [ 10:47:14 ] Me: i feel like i cry alot in this relationship and i want to step back a little and see if i'm truly unhappy
    [ 10:47:36 ] Her: … this is the only significant relationship youve had…
    [ 10:47:53 ] Me: exactly, so i don't know
    [ 10:47:58 ] Her: wth? You want a break because of the amount of crying? how are you gunna have time to think during the break when youre busy with school
    [ 10:49:33 ] Me: there will be plenty of time to think when i'm not in contact with you as much
    [ 10:50:04 ] Her: im not even in contact with you as much. no wonder you felt so distant last night… I just had a feeling
    [ 10:51:35 ] Me: i cried alot last night, didn't exactly do work
    [ 10:51:52 ] Her: You did…? ugggghhhhhhhh
    [ 10:52:05 ] Me: yeah. this is what i mean, i don't like this feeling, like i always need to cry
    [ 10:52:59 ] Her: i dont know why youd be the one crying
    [ 10:53:25 ] Me: i know, i was being hurtful, so why won't you agree to take a break?
    [ 10:53:50 ] Her: Youre unhappy? But we fought cause you were rude to me, so how are you the one unhappy?
    [ 10:55:09 ] Me: i unknowingly put alot of pressure on myself, which in turn makes me stressed
    [ 10:55:46 ] Her: so im making you unhappy when youre doing all those things to yourself? Doesnt make any sense.
    [ 10:56:00 ] Me: and i'm not being a good gf. because i dont feel like i have enough time for you
    [ 10:56:37 ] Her: I never said that
    [ 10:56:37 ] Me: i didn't say you were making me unhappy
    [ 10:56:58 ] Her: well you said you needed a break cause you were crying a lot and you needed to reevaluate whether youre truly unhappy. But then you said youre the one putting pressure on your own self. Give yourself a break
    [ 10:58:39 ] Me: i just dont respond well to fights
    [ 10:58:41 ] Her: Ah fuck it. Let's break up. I'm making you cry. And you're putting pressure on yourself because you feel like you don't have time for me. And i'm making you unhappy
    [ 10:59:36 ] Me: okay..
    [ 10:59:48 ] Her: isnt that it?
    [ 11:00:37 ] Me: i guess so
    [ 11:00:47 ] Her: And you dont want commitment
    [ 11:01:21 ] Me: i feel like i cant handle long distance with school
    [ 11:01:38 ] Her: nah its fine. i get it. You have a lot of reasons
    [ 11:01:51 ] Me: i think i was fine during summer
    [ 11:01:57 ] Her: and even though some are contradicting itself… It's fine.
    [ 11:04:58 ] Me: taking a break could've gone either way. but this is fine too
    [ 11:05:27 ] Her: Yeah but taking a break means me waiting, and ending up disappointed cause you want it to end after all the waiting
    [ 11:06:08 ] Me: okay that's understandable. let's end it now then
    [ 11:06:19 ] Her: Isnt it true though? Like how are you gunna make me wait just to stomp all over me in the end. Its not fair to me
    [ 11:07:38 ] Me: i dont know what i want for sure right now
    [ 11:07:55 ] Her: I dont know why you didnt tell me the truth last night. i just had a feeling something wasnt right, but that just means something then, doesnt it
    [ 11:08:52 ] Me: i've only been thinking about this today
    [ 11:09:09 ] Her: Okay
    [ 11:09:20 ] Me: everything i said about being disappointed was the truth
    [ 11:09:35 ] Her: its okay. Dont need to explain yourself, dont want to make you anymore 'unhappy', right?
    [ 11:11:41 ] Me: i didnt say being unhappy was attributed to you
    [ 11:12:11 ] Her: You said you needed to reevaluate whether this relationship is making you unhappy because youve cried a lot, like why are you contradicting yourself?
    [ 11:13:19 ] Me: okay fine, you may be right
    [ 11:13:42 ] Her: What do you take me for? You gotta lie in my face like that, dfkm
    [ 11:14:35 ] Me: i was thinking a committed relationship with anyone right now would probably make me unhappy, and not because of the person
    [ 11:15:16 ] Her: Uh. If you scroll up you said it was about the amount of times youve cried……………… awks. What i dont understand is, you have so many reasons, why you want to go on a break. Like just break up with me, lmfaoooooooo
    [ 11:17:15 ] Me: i was thinking perhaps the stress and distance is making me cry a lot
    [ 11:19:13 ] Her: Ok. I dont want to cry anymore. Im probably going to fail school after today
    [ 11:22:04 ] Me: yeah i dont want to cry anymore either..i cant take responsibility for how you do in school..
    [ 11:22:14 ] Her: Uh yeah you can, you can affect me mentally and then i wont be able to think properly and just cry about it and sleep
    [ 11:23:13 ] Me: it didn't have to end this way
    [ 11:23:25 ] Her: You want it to end
    [ 11:23:26 ] Me: i was hoping a break would do us both some good
    [ 11:23:29 ] Her: You want the break. its just gunna end after the break. i just know it
    [ 11:23:59 ] Me: that's what you think
    [ 11:24:08 ] Her: thats what happened to me last time
    [ 11:24:21 ] Me: with E?
    [ 11:25:02 ] Me: okay i get it. you don't want to take the chance, and go through it again. i totally understand. this may hurt now, but at least you know for sure instead of waiting
    [ 11:26:24 ] Her: yeah thats true
    [ 11:28:00 ] Me: i suppose this is better than waiting
    [ 11:28:16 ] Her: Yeap. dont want to be hurt right now, and then hurt even more in a month while you had the time to think and be okay with it. It’s not fair to me
    [ 11:29:30 ] Me: okay
    [ 11:29:44 ] Her: Am i wrong?
    [ 11:30:34 ] Her: Like you'll be able to have time to think about it. And deal with breaking up with me in the end and i wont be able to, because i wont know. But youll know sooner than me, thats for sure
    [ 11:31:06 ] Me: but i dont know either. Taking a break is kind of like a break up
    [ 11:31:40 ] Her: so might as well break up then? If theyre so similar?
    [ 11:31:59 ] Me: i feel like even if we do end up breaking up, the blow won't be as harsh after we took some time away from each other
    [ 11:32:24 ] Her: Nah it will. for me. Cause im too optimistic. Cant have that happening again
    [ 11:33:45 ] Me: i feel like we become okay with not being in either other's lives, and the end confirms it, i feel like you'll be used to the idea already. but if it doesn't end, i feel like it would be refreshing
    [ 11:34:22 ] Her: So lets just break up right now, wtf? Lol
    [ 11:34:28 ] Me: yeah i didn't object. i didn't know E did this. i didn't mean to repeat history, as you would say
    [ 11:36:57 ] Her: Okay one more thing, I need to remove you from everything
    [ 11:37:28 ] Me: okay that's fine
    [ 11:37:41 ] Her: Wow. Youre so ready lol Why didnt i see this coming lol
    [ 11:38:14 ] Me: …why would i say no to that? it would just make this harder for both of us..
    [ 11:38:29 ] Her: Just proves that you dont like me
    [ 11:39:08 ] Me: i was only trying to respect your needs
    [ 11:39:20 ] Her: i dont want this to end though. But i dont want my hopes up just to be crushed
    [ 11:39:46 ] Me: just don't get your hopes up...
    [ 11:40:01 ] Her: you sure dont lol
    [ 11:40:22 ] Me: i was thinking from the other perspective, like i was thinking it wouldn't be as hard anyway
    [ 11:40:57 ] Her: J… i dont want this to end. Like why does it have to be now. When i have ten things to do. How am i gunna concentrate when im so fucking upset? im not as emotionally strong as you
    [ 11:42:31 ] Me: i was hoping this would give us both more concentration towards school and not have to check up on each other everyday but i had no idea that this just reminds you of E again
    [ 11:42:42 ] Her: nah thats not how it works. Now i have to deal with this break up, and be mentally ready for school. This is worse. Yeah she broke up with me at the beginning of the school year and then i was doing so badly near the beginning of school…
    [ 11:45:06 ] Me: it didn't have to end now.. that wasn't my intention
    [ 11:45:37 ] Her: Well, i don’t know the outcome if we go on a break instead
    [ 11:45:41 ] Me: but you view a break worse than breaking up but at least the outcome won't affect your school if it's not happening right now..
    [ 11:46:37 ] Her: Uh… it will… Cause I’ll be thinking whether you want to break up with me or not, and I’ll probably think negatively and just be upset all the time waiting for your answer. Blah blah and just want it to end
    [ 11:48:05 ] Me: at least you'll know when you'll get an answer
    [ 11:48:20 ] Her: yeah but still
    [ 11:49:21 ] Me: this shouldn't be one sided, it's not just me thinking about us, you'll think about it too, right? you got over E in a week
    [ 11:49:33 ] Her: No, I don’t see a problem with it. A month…
    [ 11:50:05 ] Me: what if you have the same realization after a month of break
    [ 11:50:22 ] Her: i don’t see a problem in our relationship? Tell me what you see.
    [ 11:51:14 ] Her: Thats cause i know we wouldnt work out and i wanted to break up with her from time and shes just a shit person. but this relationship is not the same. You’re not the same
    [ 11:53:33 ] Me: okay..
    [ 11:53:45 ] Her: What…
    [ 11:53:53 ] Her: Tell me what you see from this relationship that you need reevaluating
    [ 11:54:22 ] Me: i feel like i've already said it earlier
    [ 11:54:30 ] Her: I make you unhappy? You cry too much? Distance? Stress? These things contradict. Idk what your intentions are. commitment? school? like what?
    [ 11:56:19 ] Me: i feel like these things all contribute to me being unhappy, and not contradicting, they overlap. but maybe school is magnifying this feeling
    [ 11:56:42 ] Her: Yeah. I guess thats true. i just feel like it’s the school thing again, making you stressed and feeling like you cant handle
    [ 11:58:15 ] Me: so what if we take a break with no intention of breaking up? does that sound dumb
    [ 11:58:42 ] Her: idk
    [ 11:58:47 ] Me: i feel lke i would feel differently when school ends, when it's summer again
    [ 11:59:24 ] Her: but didnt i suggest that before…? you said you didnt want that cause of the commitment
    [12:00:18 ] Me: my understanding of a break was less commitment
    [12:00:49 ] Her: i can totally not talk to you for a month if there was no intention of a break up. idk. A security thing i guess, unless you want to think about things
    [12:01:37 ] Me: by break, i didn't mean start dating other people or with the sure intention of breaking up, it was just less communication
    [12:02:21 ] Her: … I suggested that but you said thered still be commitment
    [12:03:58 ] Me: i feel like with less communication and not seeing each other physically, we are naturally going to step back and have more time to think and realize what we're feeling and sort our emotions
    [12:04:23 ] Her: Ok whatever I stopped crying now. I think ill be okay. idc anymore. We dont even see each other, i dont think thatll be a problem
    [12:05:44 ] Me: so we're going to not talk to each other for a month and not break up? is that the plan?
    [12:06:05 ] Her: Is that what you want?
    [12:06:55 ] Me: yeah i'm okay with that
    [12:07:08 ] Her: Are you sure?
    [12:07:36 ] Me: what are the rules during this break? we still talk to each other but less?
    [12:08:00 ] Her: Idk… wtf. Youre the one wanting to go on a break. you decide
    [12:10:23 ] Me: idk..
    [12:10:58 ] Her: Why dont you know?
    [12:11:27 ] Me: because i don't know if i could do it. go for so long, without talking to you
    [12:11:46 ] Her: ………………………………………you. are. the. one. that. wants. a. break.
    [12:12:53 ] Me: okay fine, no talking until april 18th
    [12:13:17 ] Her: ok. You can still talk to me if you want. jsyk…
    [12:13:54 ] Me: okay. i guess this was so i feel less pressure on myself. ugh
    [12:14:49 ] Her: Well now you have another pressure to face. Wait, just no talking right?
    [12:16:19 ] Me: what's another pressure? no talking until april 18th, that includes all forms of communication, text/call/email/skype
    [12:17:40 ] Her: Kkkk
    [12:17:43 ] Me: and you didn't answer my question
    [12:17:49 ] Her: figure it out.
    [12:19:20 ] Me: idk.. kay bye
    [12:24:03 ] Her: But i can do anything i want right?
    [12:27:57 ] Me: what do you mean anything? we're still in a relationship. we'll be faithful at least right..
    [12:36:29 ] Me: T?
    [12:37:38 ] Her: Okay
    -she signs off-

    What do you think about this whole situation?? :? :cry:
     
    #1
  2. Raiden

    Raiden Well-Known Member

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    I haven't read everything because is predictable and way too long but I felt like reading a conversation between a 10 and 12 years old "partners". You look like you don't know what you want and you kept trying to find a logical reason, credible for her but you stumbled onto your words. If you really don't want to be with her anymore, then don't complicate things, she didn't reacted very well, she could wait but still; once someone needs a break, is obviously something wrong and most of the time this "wrong" is a step closer to an end, so her reaction wasn't a surprise at all and you should understand. I hope that you are not really asking to break up with her because of the way she reacted. It would be funny to hear "I am so happy that I almost died of enthusiasm, now I need a break. I need to step back and watch closely if this too much laughter will damage my maxillaria, but it will eventually kill me so wait for me for a while, to decide if you are capable of saving me or not". You don't hear that in your face, never. But this is the way your conversation sounded if you change happiness with sadness, at least for me.
    I would have done something else but I don't know if it will work in your situation. Break up and when you are clean of everything in the summer, try getting back together. I mean, if you are together now, obviously it is because you like each other so if you break up, it doesn't mean that attraction will suddenly disappear (only if you still want her), you could give her the green light. or at least let her do whatever she wants in this break if you think that wouldn't work. but again, you should listen to what you feel. think about how you feel around her, how she makes you feel, stuff like that.
     
    #2
  3. lou12

    lou12 New Member

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    I also didn't read all of it. You remind me of me and my ex. I loved her but we weren't right together. If you're unsure don't string her along. But make sure your final with your decision because you can't be going back to her.

    I've just written a blog goodentj.Blogspot.com you should read it. I think you're the one with the issues here and sometimes it's worth working on your relationship and growing with your partner. ..sometimes it's not. And sometimes you need to break up to realise and learn and grow. You're probably not going to be together forever, so be nice..try see her perspective and if you're good you might come out of this with a friend.
     
    #3
  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Are you the more aloof, polite, think-through-it type and she is the more passionate, out bursty type? Just wondering.

    I agree with others about the stringing along thing. I know someone who had a relationship started going south after a couple of years and his gf kept taking breaks like weeks at a time and eventually months at a time. Then she would come back to him after the breaks like nothing had happened. But then on one of the breaks where he really didn't know if he had a gf anymore he met someone else. When he realized it was a real thing with that someone else he went back and broke it off for sure. His gf tried to get him back and failed. He is now happy with the new girl but for years after the breakup he still did not feel right about it and thought he had cheated during that interim time, however short that time was.

    You can't put someone, especially a very young someone on hold and expect fidelity. This lady you are with could be putting a lot of pressure on you as a girlfriend and I understand why you just want some time to gain perspective because you don't know if it is being with her or relationships in general. However, you yourself need to take that risk and not demand fidelity from her if you are asking for a break. It would be wise just to not talk for a while because people who have these on/off romances because they are so entrenched in friendship with their ex's tend to be quite miserable. And being miserable is the exact opposite of what you want.

    Trust your instinct, take care and you know your career is important to you right now. If it is meant to be broken, then you will find that after a while the silence from her is really okay and you will enjoy being able to concentrate on your work and be happy with the results.
     
    #4
  5. Evince

    Evince Member

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    #5
  6. Dalo

    Dalo Well-Known Member

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    So... I actually read the whole thing. Honestly, you seem very immature and unreasonable. You need to sit your ass down, evaluate your life and know what YOU want! If school and a relationship is too much for you - choose one and forget the other. You can't "take a break" and demand fidelity. You're making it seem like T is the source of all your problems/confusion, which she clearly isn't. Stop stringing her along and decide what is really important to you! People have relationships and well-rounded lives as well.
     
    #6
  7. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    If you're going to ask for a break you have to have your boundaries thought of. You have to know very clearly ... Why? how long? are you going to talk once a week, or cut off all contact? can you date new people? if you're taking more than a month off and not talking and dating other people, why aren't you breaking up? ...You have to KNOW these things. Breaks work in some situations, and in most situations breaks are just a big head trip break up. Personally the way I see it is, unless you've lived with your partner for at least a year, breaks are just mind effing ways to break up. And if you've lived with your partner longer than a year and you want a "break" it's called a vacation, and if you date other people while you're on vacation you may as well call it over.
     
    #7
  8. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Break up.

    I actually did read (well, skim) this whole thing. A couple of flags:
    a) you are talking past each other, not to mention in circles.
    b) you cannot agree on what your terms mean - "break up," "take a break," "relationship."
    c) you are both blaming your emotional needs on the other ("it is your fault if I fail")
    d) this whole conversation, which is pretty serious, is happening over INSTANT MESSAGING.

    Additionally,
    e) her response to stress/uncertainty/conflict is "fuck it, let's just break up."
    f) your response to stress/uncertainty/conflict is "I can't make a decision, I'm going to hide from you."

    You both sound pretty young to me (which is not an instant condemnation), and your relationship is itself very young. The first six months or so in a relationship are crucial to establishing healthy communication and support; in these early days, your communication and support looks like "no talking when we are stressed and scared," which is the antithesis of healthy. Honestly, these responses tell me that you don't currently have the capacity to make meaningful space for another person in your life, and that your relationship will follow a boom-bust cycle of drama that will only hurt you both.

    I say this as someone who dated a college student in quasi-long-distance very similar to yours. Fighting can substitute itself for intimacy when you are far apart; drama and tension can provoke feelings which allow you to feel validated and cared for. There was a period when we careened between breaking up and forever commitment because we needed the emotional intensity to make the difficulty seem worth it; it was an easy way to feel like our relationship mattered, but it was ultimately very damaging to our intimacy and love. (She's still my partner, four years later, but we only survived because we stopped having the kind of conversations you're having and started finding ways to care for each other without sacrificing our own well-being.)
     
    #8
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