Suspicious Minds

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by wysmi, Oct 26, 2015.

  1. wysmi

    wysmi Member

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    My girlfriend won't stop texting her "friend"

    My girlfriend started her first year back as an undergrad this fall and has made a new friend.. In my opinion they became too close too quickly. She says they just "click" and get along really well. She see's him every day for hours on end at the university, and sometimes after hours they go to the library together - They even hit the gym before class together sometimes.

    Except it's not really this that bothers me. It the contact away from school.

    It is almost like he needs to be in constant contact with her all the time. He texts her as soon as she gets home and they continue to text all night. They even text in the morning. I don't remember a day going by where they weren't talking. (including on weekends when it's technically the only time we really get together as a couple that's not rushed)

    I approached her about this and told her my concerns - that it was too much and they barely know each other and it legitimately bothers me that he needs her constant attention. She says that its nice to have a friend and they are having normal conversations. I told her, for my comfort, I need them to reel it in a bit and she said "okay" yet nothing has changed.. I don't want to keep harassing her about this, because I do trust her. I asked her if her friendship with him was worth testing the boundaries of our relationship and she quickly said no... but she refuses to put any limits on their friendship to assist with my comfort. Her solution is to hide her phone from me to text him so i don't get upset or suspicious.. I dont know what to do or where to go from here. Help.
     
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  2. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes finding an awesome friend is like the start of a relationship with someone. Completely without the romantic feelings. You're just so excited to find someone with similar interests and you want to talk a lot.

    Don't down the jealous road. Don't ask her not to be friends with him.

    Have another conversation with her. Tell her that you only get time together in the evenings etc and you want to be spending some quality time together. Tell her there are times you really appreciate if she's put down the phone and spent some time together
     
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  3. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    A woman's instinct,is never to be ignored.I decided never to go down that same jealousy root,thinking we had no trust issues.Turns out there was a 6 year affair right under my nose through constant texting and long night [email protected] it doesn't feel right to you,then it probably isn't.
     
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  4. wysmi

    wysmi Member

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    Two very conflicting ideas haha.

    I dont know if my gut fear is legitimate or its becasue im making mountains out of molehills.
     
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  5. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    The fact that she's hiding her phone to message him isn't cool. In fact it's very immature. Tell her it doesn't make you feel good when she's hiding her phone.

    But again, I would talk to her about all of this. Maybe you should ask to meet him? Go out for a drink all tree of you? Invite an extra friend if you think that's being weird. If she doesn't want you to meet him than that's weird. If you're worried then go see how they interact together
     
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  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    If she doesn't respect your relationship to keep things open with you, then that's a problem. Instead of mitigating your concern or asking you to meet him or showing you that the conversation is innocent, she's hiding her phone from you. Which means...she has something to hide, period.

    Regardless if there's anything improper going on -- and that's debatable -- the way she's acting with you-- her significant other -- is NOT okay. Because really...if you love someone....you don't do anything to upset that person -- and if this were innocent, she'd try to assuage your concerns. (I'm assuming you're not the crazy jealous type as I write this). In relationships, the relationship should come first, period. She's not doing that.

    You have reason for concern -- even if nothing is going on..her actions are definitely showing where YOU stand in her eyes...in that she's put someone else as a priority above you.
     
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I guess that I have a bigger issue with her hiding her phone than I do with the texting per se.

    I tend to text / IM with my friends a lot. That doesn't mean that I am doing anything inappropriate with my friends. And I am careful that my time talking to my friends doesn't cut into meaningful time with my wife (no texting on date night, at dinner, etc...) Honestly, talking with my friends probably helps my relationship - I can spread around my grumpy bad days, or my over enthusiastic good days (let me tell you about this weird dream I had! Oh, you are tired from a long day at work? But it will only take half an hour!!)

    But I do think that couples should be able to talk about stuff and compromise. If you don't like her texting with this guy 24-7, you two should work something out. Working something out isn't her hiding things from you. She may actually have something to hide, or she may just be resentful (who is she to tell me how much time I can spend with my friends). I would approach her about hiding her phone, let her know how you feel that she isn't willing to compromise on things with you.
     
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  8. wysmi

    wysmi Member

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    On the plus side, she's started being more open with me about when they are spending time together. We had a conversation this morning about the constant communication and she didnt get defensive or angry - I said thank you for listening and that I appreciate her putting my feelings first and she said that she just wants to find a happy medium.

    I've met the guy once, it was awkward and they did seem close- like they have been friends for years (2 months in actuality) I just don't understand why he's so damn invested in my girlfriend (who he knows is gay/taken) and i dont understand why she cant see it or isnt bothered by it.
     
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  9. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    Why don't you all go out together, perhaps when there is a big group of people? If is truly is a friendship then she will have no problem hanging out with the three of you, being affectionate to you and then treating him as a friend. If you feel left out or your instincts tell you something is off and there may be something more between the two of them then pay attention to it.
     
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  10. wysmi

    wysmi Member

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    I think maybe i need to go talk to someone. I feel insane. Everytime shes on her phone i get suspicious and jealous - I end up questioning her about who shes talk to all the time. Its going to push her away. I'm not this person who i've been lately, constantly watching her steps. Part of me thinks im making a big deal out of nothing, but then the other part lets the suspicion creep in and i act ridiculous. This feeling is ridiculous.
     
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  11. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Even if nothing is going on, this is about priorities. You're her girlfriend and she should keep you as her number one priority -- when the phone and texting is interfering with the person right in front of her face, then that's a problem. I remember being out to dinner recently to where I saw a parent and a kid seated across from one another...parent immersed in the phone and the kid just sat there dejected.

    We -- as a society -- have become inconsiderate thanks to technology. So, at the very least -- that she's spending her time with you texting with him -- is rude to say the least. I'm not saying you can never text anyone else when you're with your significant other, either. But when the virtual relationship takes over everything else, then that's a problem.
     
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  12. Queen

    Queen Member

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    I'm pretty cynical about straight men, my guess... he's invested because it's hot and exciting to "turn" a lesbian straight. And for her part, that kind of laser focus from another person is pretty intoxicating.
     
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  13. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I guess, what is your fear? That she will / has cheated on you with him? That she is having an emotional affair?

    One thing that I would say is assess the health of your relationship. Do you two communicate well? Do you have quality time together? Can you talk to each other about your day, your long term plans and feelings? Do you have intimacy - both non-sexual and sexual?

    If you have a healthy relationship, then I think your jealousy is a problem that you need to look at.

    But - if you consciously or subconsciously sense that something is off in your relationship, you could be projecting that on to her spending time with him. 'We don't really talk much anymore, but she can talk to him 24-7.' In that case the answer is to look at the root cause - do you two need to spend more time together, reconnect, resolve lingering issues (chores, etc...)
     
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  14. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I have been on both sides of this equation and yes I really understand what you are going through and it should be so much easier for her position to set things back to normal than you having to pull her to you.

    No, I don't trust the guy. I have not met a guy who has invested so much time in a woman and not be interested. So here's what I would do....

    You shouldn't have to fight for her when you are already a committed couple. BUT, keep calm and don't push her away. Take this as an opportunity to improve your relationship like a Ferengi sees anything as business opportunity. Pay attention to her in this new life of hers, it will take time to catch up and she may not open up too much about it at first. Pay attention to what she likes all over again. Find something you like about her each day and let her know. Do some no tech time, invite her, card and all to a no tech picnic. He is in the trenches with her and it is easy for someone to go back to school-I am assuming- after a gap and be very drawn to ally who understands all that she is going through. When you are in the trenches with someone, sometimes you do want to see them more in easier settings. Hence she does recreactional things with him.

    If I have learned anything about being on both sides of the coin is that I don't want my partner to put me first. I want her to put herself first and love herself. Then maybe she will have the clarity of what she wants and needs from me. And in turn she will have a healthy mind about what I need and what we need as a couple.

    Love yourself, connect with friends you have ditched long ago in your romance with her. Do activities that she normally does not like doing with you. Then, when you are with her, romance her, get her to talk about herself. That is a good place to start.

    Edit: the alternative, with you in this jealous mode whether justified or not is not healthy. Get past the complaining with her and do something good with this relationship.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 29, 2015
  15. wysmi

    wysmi Member

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    She has never ever given me a reason not to trust her before this.. But I am definitely afraid that she is having (or going to have) an emotionally affair.. Their relationship seems so intimate. At the same time.. Our relationship is pretty balanced, minus the fact that we dont see eachother as often because of her school. We still have physical intimacy and still discuss the future. I miss her a lot lately and i think that has much to do with my discomfort.. I also feel like if anything is putting stress on our relationship, its this guy.

    I feel like he see's her more than i do. I feel like she talks to him about things she doesnt talk to me about. On a few occasions shes made plans with him that conflict with our plans. Of course im jealous, it seems unavoidable.

    She said to me the ther day "you always come first" and "you are the most important person to me". I can believe that and feel it - but i dont see it.
     
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  16. wysmi

    wysmi Member

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    Greylin - i think maybe you hit the nail on the head here. I do feel like shes growing and changing with this new chapter in her life, and i dont exactly feel part of that.. I respond with jealousy and complaining.
     
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  17. greydawn

    greydawn New Member

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    I 100% agree with Queen. Most guys have an ego thing about turning a lesbian straight. I was in the same exact position as you. I had dated a girl for 6 years, from the time we were 16 to 22. I had always trusted her. We both had locks on our phones but we always knew each others passwords, (though I never went through her phone to spy) and one day she met a guy at work whom she stated "Sooo understanding and supportive of us" I mean, there are guys who can be just friends and supportive, but he became very attached. He was always calling and texting her non stop, even late at night.

    It made me feel very uneasy. We both had our own friends and it didn't bother me that he was a guy, it bothered me that all of her attention had to be on him. if he texted, she immediately had to respond, even if we were in the middle of a conversation or having dinner or date night. He would always invite her out, even if she had plans with me. One day I got very suspicious because when she was texting, and I passed by she kind of hid her phone. Then a couple of days later I got her phone and saw she had changed her password and then refused to give me her new one, telling me I was just being paranoid. Finally, I told her I thought she was cheating and I wanted to see her texts from him, she refused, got defensive and said she would never cheat on me. I told her "If you thought I was cheating and wanted to see me phone, I would gladly give it to you to prove I am not being unfaithful, but it seems like you have something to hide"

    She became very defensive saying that she had a right to privacy (which I agreed) but I just wanted to have a clear mind that there was nothing going on, I told her it me make me feel better and make me trust the two of them. she still refused so I gave her an option, "If there is nothing bad on the phone I will apologies to you for not trusting you, but if you value your relationship with someone you have only known for 4 months, over a six year relationship with me, then maybe I should leave and we go our separate ways. if you have nothing to hide then what's the big fuss over?"

    In the end I don't know if she slept with him, but I found out she was sextexting him, and also sending nude photos of herself to him. I ended it with her. I am not saying she's cheating, but it sounds like she has something to hide if she is hiding her phone from you. I don't know how long you have been together, but if you think there is something going on look for signs: http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/relationships/common-signs-of-cheating/#.VjMK2XTD_IU
     
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  18. wysmi

    wysmi Member

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    Thanks greydawn.. Im sorry you had to deal with that. Im really hoping that im not going down the same road with my girlfriend. We've been together for just over 4 years- she's always had a lock on her phone, and ive always trusted her not to worry about what she does on there..

    Based on a lot of these responses i'm starting to think that my jealousy is getting the best of me. And ive started to read a lot of literature on how to deal with this kind of anxiety -

    I told my girlfriend last night that I feel inadequate, and it feels like he's "beating me".. She responded with "no one will ever offer me half of what you offer to me" (referring to emtional and physical connection). She agrees i need to work on my confidence, so the jealousy can dwindle away..

    Please let me know if im headed in a good direction with this. Or if you know of any resources that might help.
     
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  19. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Broadly, I agree with greylin:
    And I don't super trust this guy either. But we don't have a great reason not to trust him, other than that he is friends with your girlfriend, and we've all seen straight guys with ulterior motives before. This guy could be a creeper, but he could also like being friends with a woman with whom a relationship is off the table - in search of a lesbro, if you will.

    Because here's the thing, about all your panic and jealousy about being replaced or getting the smaller piece of her love: it's not a zero-sum game. I have friends who give me things my wife can't. My sweet, funny, wonderful wife has many talents, but having enthusiastically shouty debates about feminist theory, gossiping about friends from high school, and empathizing with my disordered eating recovery process are not among them. My friends who share these interests and histories have been very, very close sometimes, and it's okay to have friends who support me in ways that my wife cannot. Some of these things are very personal, and its a credit to my wife that she's comfortable with me being so - I'll just say it - emotionally intimate with these friends.

    I guess what I want to say is: if your girlfriend is getting some emotional need met by this guy, and he isn't trying to sleep with her, that's okay. It seems like they're really, really close, and in a paradigm where we get all our support from one person, where our partner is supposed to be our only source of emotional intimacy, that can be really scary. But there are other ways to approach relationships and friendships, ways that we tend to abandon when we partner up and enter the coupled stage of our adult lives, and ways that can still be super relevant and fulfilling. Because she has a good friendship with him and feels supported and cared for by you and him, doesn't mean she has less intimacy and love for you, it means she has more overall, and isn't it great when people you love are supported and loved a lot?

    My wife and I don't have an open relationship or anything like it, but I do really like this particular tenet of polyamory: that it should be good when our partners are loved, by us or by other people, as long as everyone is open and honest. That they should have multiple fulfilling friendships that are genuine and deep and supportive, because then they are more fulfilled and supported, and because people with richer communities and networks of support are healthier and happier.

    So getting a handle on your jealousy is good. Taking initiative to make sure you and your girlfriend also have intimate (sexual or not!), no-interruption time is good. Finding ways to replenish your relationship and keep it healthy, regardless of this other friend, is good. Your connection with her, your relationship with her, are yours to grow and nourish, so do it without worrying about this other guy. If it's strong, even if he's got some motive, you can trust your girlfriend to act right whatever happens, and that's a much better place to be than second guessing every move she makes.
     
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  20. wysmi

    wysmi Member

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    lorienczhiu- That was very helpful..Just took me from a 10, down to a 2..

    Last night we had another discussion about the whole thing - She seems to be pretty open to talking about it and letting me get my thoughts out without her getting upset or defensive. I asked her if this guy is aware of our current relationship issue, and if she has talked to him about it. She said that she has talked to him about it (but didn't tell him it revolved around their relationship). I guess he told her that he was once on my side of the coin, very jealous of his ex girlfriend and thought she was cheating (turned out she was) He also gave her some tips on how to "deal with me" during my crazy, ex. Making me feel more appreciated, and not making rash decisions if things get a little difficult. She noted that it was good to hear his point of view. I figure, is this guy a threat to me if he's giving her advice on how to work positively on our relationship? Am I missing something here.

    She also noted that he is really close to his sister who's gay - She said that probably plays a big part in his comfort around her.

    I'm still uncomfortable with the amount of texting - She is still really bad for hiding her phone which sends me back into a spiral- However if theres something funny/interesting in a text she'll show me - or If i ask if she's talking to him, she will answer truthfully and sometimes tell me what they are discussing.
     
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