Supporting her when she has cancer

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by alphabet, Mar 19, 2015.

  1. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    Hi guys,

    I'm back. Previously, was on here about my ex (see working with ex). Things have really turned around since I last visited and updated y'all. Are they perfect no? But we are working things out and of course just when we got to a better place in our relationship (we aren't officially back together) she found out she has cancer.

    It's been a few weeks of getting different test results etc. But, we found out yesterday morning it's definitely cancer. I am honestly at a loss of what to do. I've had several family members lost/battled cancer but they were all older. We are in our late twenties and she is turning 30 next month.

    I love her so much and even though things have been bumpy I've fought for us. We were just getting back to a place where she trusted me again and now everything is so unsure.

    I want to support her. She knows how much I care about her. She also isn't the type to express a bunch of emotionalism and tends try to downplay everything. Talking about it makes her stressed out and I don't want to add to her burden. How do I support her without disappearing? I told her I would try to give her some space while she processes everything but, I don't want to give too much space either. Maybe it's selfish but I am extremely stressed and worried about her.
     
    #1
  2. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    1) what sort of cancer?
    2) what stage of cancer?

    Just have to know before I can say anything ...
     
    #2
    greylin and Nancy like this.
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Just sending hugs and wishes your way and hope you guys can just find time to just be able to enjoy each other. I know you have this hanging over you and it feels so out of your control.

    Other than trying to gain more technical knowledge, which is very admirable, you can support her by helping things feel as normal as possible. My friends who have had various chronic and/or serious illnesses didn't really like others to talk to them about it unless they themselves had brought it up first. They didn't want to be defined by it. I hope in this process you will take good care of yourself too and rest whenever you can. It takes a lot of energy to do what you are doing and I don't envy you.
     
    #3
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2015
    Just Me likes this.
  4. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    Don't be in a hurry to provide a lot of help thinking she'll fall back in love with you because of it.

    If she needs someone to drive her to chemo and you don't have to work, you can help that way. Be there when she needs someone to talk to about her fears. Be understanding that her health is her number one priority - not you. Help when she asks for it. Otherwise, step back and leave her alone. She'll need her rest. Chemo is extremely hard on the body. So, calling to let her know you're thinking about her is ok, just don't call every day. Let her lead. Don't push yourself on her. Just be a caring friend because that's what she's really going to need.
     
    #4
  5. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    Hi all,

    Sorry, I've been too preoccupied to come back. She is having her surgery tomorrow to remove the tumor. I approach the candid advice, such as reminding me it's about being a good friend, not about trying to be together again. I've been trying to give her space and not bringing up or asking too many questions about the cancer. She doesn't want to see me right now though and that's been hard. She also told me she doesn't want me to come to the hospital tomorrow or visit. I know it's her choice though and she did say she didn't really want anyone to come to visit anyways.

    I just feel sick about all of it. Even if we aren't together....I care about her so much and I just hate that she is going through this. I wanted to also say that I've been sending her gifts in the mail - such as piece of clothing she would like or an interesting book. I am afraid to lose her and I am also afraid I am being needy because I miss her as well.
     
    #5

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