Suddenly strictly women?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by SoMuchForSimple, Nov 3, 2016.

  1. SoMuchForSimple

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    I am 24 and in a straight relationship. We have a 3 year old.

    Ive always been attracted to men and women, just so happened to get serious with a man. I think the only reason I never really dated women was because I didn't know how to go about it.

    Anyway, my relationship is dying, sex is a chore, and I just don't really like him as a person anymore.
    Suddenly I don't even notice men, my significant other, or any. I only notice women, there's a few Im very attracted to. I catch myself looking at ladies all the time, especially certain parts. I never check guys out. Im starting to wonder if I've been kidding myself this whole time.

    My fiancee is a great father and I don't wanna break up the family, but lately I've been thinking seriously about an affair with a woman.

    I'm lost, confused, and really just wanna hook up with one person specifically and get it out of my system.
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    An affair to "Get it out of your system?"

    You have a kid, start acting like it. Your kid didn't ask to be born and it certainly didn't ask to be raised in a screwed up situation. Your 3 year old deserves to have two parents who respect each other and act like reasonable adults.

    Having an affair doesn't just impact you, it also impacts your fiancé and your child. Heck, even family and friends stick their noses into it. If you need to break up with the guy, then break up with him. Sometimes, break ups, divorces, whatever happen. They suck, but people grieve and learn to move on. They learn to coparent and put their kids first.

    Affairs are another ball of wax. There is a lot of betrayal there. The fallout of that betrayal also will impact your child. Anger, judgement, loss of respect - that stuff gets ugly. You can pretend like he will never find out, like she will never find out. But stuff like this rarely stays a secret.

    Ok, you feel alienated from your fiancé, not attracted to him and like you are probably a lesbian. You won't 'get it out of your system' with an affair. You will just become a cheating probable lesbian who is alienated from her fiancé. Not exactly an upgrade.

    Think about it this way- imagine two different conversations with your future 13 year old child. She really looks up to you.

    A) sweetie, you know how daddy rarely talks to me and we never do family holidays together? Why his mom calls me names? Well, truth is, I cheated on him and he has never trusted me since. I wanted you to hear it from me first, I am really sorry.

    B) sweetie, when I met your dad, I didn't know I was a lesbian. I couldn't keep living a lie and it wasn't fair to any of us. Breaking up really hurt, but we have always been honest with each other and have always put taking care of you first.

    Someday, someone is going to have the 'kiddo, here is why your parents broke up' conversation with your daughter. It can be the ugly you cheated, jerked him around and dumped him version. Or it can be the it didn't work between us, but we still respect each other version.

    I have empathy for you, you are in a painful, complicated situation. But I really don't think the solution is to do something that is going to make the situation even more painful and complicated for everyone, especially your kid.

    Since there is a kid involved, I am playing the therapy card here. Talk to a therapist if you need help sorting out your sexuality. If you need to break up with this guy, break up with him. But cheating isn't a good idea.

    I would like to hear @rainydaze , @lorienczhiu , @greylin and @Spygirl 's take on your situation.
     
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  3. SoMuchForSimple

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    Firstly, thank u for your honesty, however blunt.
    You've given me a lot to think about. It sounds pretty dumb when its repeated back to me. I just guess I was hoping it's more curiosity and I would figure it out. Probably not though...
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    My usual reply here for women who are in straight relationships but all of a sudden went for a women is to check out this author and therapist: http://www.lavendervisions.com/ She has a forum there too and you may find a story or two similar to yours. While I am still doing that in this reply I feel that for once your situation is more unique. It almost feels like it is curiosity and you are wondering if all of this is because you want something you don't have and haven't had.

    Most of the time on AE I hear from women who are married to guys pining over a specific woman and how they have this soulful connection. In your case, you are more gawking and perhaps fantasizing? I am not really sure if it is you projecting that being with a woman would be so much more exciting because the relationship you are in is making you yawn. 24 is pretty early nowadays to have a 3 year old and settling down so maybe you feel like you are missing out? That you haven't really experimented with more people when you had the chance? I do agree with getting some therapy because you need to figure out your feelings and current relationship first. If the guy is a great guy you can get a sitter and try talking to him. But do line up a therapist because it will hurt when you are honest with him. Outside of a lack of physical attraction, do you feel other things? Do you guys get on? Do you hang out and like the same tv shows and share some inside jokes?
     
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  5. Estra

    Estra Member

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    I personnaly believe, greylin as a point here, that you're young and already building a family, it takes time and effort and maturity. Having a kid forces you to give up on other things and maybe you're realising now you wish you could have the freedom most have in their 20's, exploring, not caring about the consequences... I totally'get that but it'happens that you have a different situation and it is harder but you have to also see what it brings you. I totally vote for a therapy so you can figure out if it's just a fantasy you have (we always want what we don't have, I want a familly and settling down, my best friend has that and wIshes some days she had more freedom like me...) or if it's more 1biut sexual orientations. But either way, don't act lightly on it because as previous women said, it will make it worse in the long term. A kid changes dynamics between a couple and maybe you just need to really work on communication, take some time for only the 2 of you so you can reconnect, see a couple therapist... fantasies are often just an escape feom our reality and most of the time, they are better that way! Making them real is often disappointing, destructive. I'm not saying you're not a lesbian, I'm saying you need to understand why you're havi'g those thoughts, if it's not'just a wish to escape from your responsabilities... if so, you could fi'd a way to have moments for you only, and an activity that would help you feel like you matter and exist outside your couple and family; only a Profesional can guide'you to find out. Good luck!
     
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  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    My $.02.

    First of all you're 24. At 24 I had no clue who I was...bouncing in and out and back into the closet. That you've got a 3 year old child already means you've had to do a lot of growing up at an age where most of us are only beginning to understand who we are, where we're going, and who we are meant to be. That's not to say that you're not a mature 24 year old...I'm just saying that I thought I knew everything back then. Looking at things through the eyes of a 30 or 35 or even 40 year old made it clear that I really didn't know much at all in my early 20's.

    Secondly, I think you're confusing sex with sexual orientation. Sleeping with a woman will not "get it out of your system." I've slept with men and I'm married to a woman. I'd go so far to say that I didn't hate sleeping with men either. Sexual orientation is not about the person with whom you have sex; there's much much more to it than that. So, if you're finding yourself attracted to women, I think that sleeping with a woman will definitely NOT "get it out of your system." It might make matters worse for you actually -- including the cheating part.

    Please don't cheat. I feel very strongly about this because at some point you were in love enough with your fiancee to say yes when he asked you for a future. The emotional damage you can do by betraying someone's trust has such a ripple effect on people. If you're done with the relationship, rip the band-aid off and end it. Your child deserves 2 happy parents which doesn't necessarily mean 2 happy parents together. Don't stay in a relationship because you have a child, and don't stay in the relationship because it's comfortable. He deserves better than that. Besides, would you want to be someone's consolation prize? You've said it yourself...you "really don't like him anymore."

    Put yourself and your child first. If you're not happy, then do something about it. See a counselor or go to the message board @greylin was talking about. But end the relationship because it's not fair to him, to you, or to your child. Don't cheat, because although breakups suck, you can still get yourself out of this and into a better position without having to do something you might one day regret.
     
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  7. SoMuchForSimple

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    I appreciate all the replies. Not gonna lie though, I just feel more conflicted.
    I guess I thought reaching out would simplify things. It didn't. That's not a bad thing, I just am lost.
    When my fiancee and I met, I was talking to a girl. When we got serious, he saw her picture in my phone and got all weird. Wanted me to delete it and her number. Point is, he knows I have tendencies...but I think he forgot.
     
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  8. Estra

    Estra Member

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    Once again, when a couple ignores a problem, it always comes back right back at you and makes all even harder because you both have a kid now. Tendencies ok, you would be with a woman, you would have the same tendencies toward other women i believe. What's important is the connexion between 2 people, no matter the sexuality. The question you need to ask yourself is why did you pick him? Because there was a point apparently where you had both options... and you made him your choice. As we said, there is probably many reasons you feel that way today and I understand you feel lost; go tal' to a specialist, it will be good to be heard and she/he will help you figure out why you're feeling this way at this point of your life. Sleeping suddenly with a womanew wont change anything or make you feel better, you have to find answers within yourself. Xx
     
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  9. SoMuchForSimple

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    Thank u all, for telling me what I need to hear. Not what I want to hear
     
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  10. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Knowing you have tendencies doesn't mean accepting your straying outside of the relationship. Cheating is cheating no matter if it is with a woman or a man. You made a commitment to him, regardless of those tendencies. They don't give you a pass to have your cake and eat it too.

    Don't marry him if you are not in love with him. Don't marry him if you don't like him.
     
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  11. SoMuchForSimple

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    I didn't mean it gave me a pass. More that it'd be something we could speak on without him being totally shocked....
    I've got a lot to think about
     
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  12. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Based on what you have said about his reaction, I would find a therapist you are comfortable with and work on letting him know. There are many reasons women in your situation would end up with a guy. For some women, it is as simple as trying to surrender to the "norm". It is important what Spygirl said, you can be good parents even when you are not together. If you don't want him anymore and it is not some fleeting feeling, then it is better for all of you, including the kid, to split up earlier than later.
     
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  13. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Taking the time to think about what you want and need is the first step toward figuring all this stuff out. Just remember, you don't have to figure everything out all at once because it can be overwhelming. Be patient with yourself. Most of all, be honest with yourself. That's all you can do.
     
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  14. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    This is your actual problem.

    Your sexuality is a complication, sure, but I think it's a red herring. If your relationship was working and you wanted to be in it, your interest in women would be a passing fantasy, on the magnitude of movie star crushes and politely ogling cute dykes on the subway (a hobby of mine, happily married homo though I am). It'd be there, sure, but it would occupy the same headspace as your love of bass guitarists and built guys with green eyes, or whatever kind of men you're attracted to that your fiancee isn't; amusing, enjoyable, and ultimately superficial, the kind of feeling that you observe and let pass because acting on it isn't actually a need or even a real desire.

    This is how I experience monogamy as a bisexual queer, and your mileage may vary, but I find it very useful to think about monogamy-while-queer not as choosing men or women, but choosing one person and walking away from every other personality and physical types on offer. Are there some things left on the table that I probably would like? Yeah. I'm into a lot of things, and appreciate a lot of others, and it's just unlikely that any one human has every single characteristic that I might enjoy in a partner. But a monogamous relationship says that I am saying "yes" to one small subset of them, and am okay with missing what I'll miss. Straight and gay people do this too, because it's not like all men or all women are created equal and there aren't things they're choosing and things they're giving up when they say, "yeah, let's do this" with just one person.

    So your problem is not that you might like women, although you might, and that's a feeling worth exploring. It's what you have on your plate, what you walked away from table for, is not actually a meal you want to eat. You don't like your partner. You don't want to have sex with him. You do not want to be in this relationship. Snacking from the table is not going to change that, because the problem isn't what you're missing, it's what you have. If anything, sneaking a peek at everything you might enjoy more is only going to make you feel worse, and further erode what interest and good feeling you have for this man who, one way or the other, is going to stay in your life, because you have a child together.

    So do the honorable thing, and either figure out (a) how to be content with what you have (by talking to your fiance, trying counseling and couples' counseling), or (b) figure out how to let it go so that you can find the thing you'll actually enjoy. Do this because it's right, or maybe just because the alternative will be much nastier and more unpleasant than any fallout from working through it or a breakup. Either way, having an affair will only make things worse - make it harder to find and keep the good, or make it harder to end this amicably with your co-parenting relationship intact.

    Is that hard? Hell yes. But people do hard things - end marriages, quit toxic jobs, leave unhealthy family situations - because what's on the other side is worth the difficulty and unpleasantness. Whatever you decide is on the other side, whether it's staying with this person because you have found something to love again or freeing yourself to visit the table again, it is better than blowing it up or muddling through without actually deciding and just let things happen to you. Good luck.
     
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  15. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    SoMuchforSimple,
    I'm late to the discussion here, but thought I might jump in.
    Some very good advice given here by some thoughtful and helpful folks. I hope you take some time to read and re-read even if it wasn't what you wanted to hear.

    I would argue, though, that what everyone is telling you is "simple" in that they are consistently stating clear and direct advice:
    1) Don't cheat! It will make things far worse, and will not "get it out of your system." Fantasy is never how reality actually plays out.
    2) Slow down and Seek counseling to figure out what you want for yourself and how to take healthy steps to make that happen in your life.
    3) Whatever you decide about yourself, your relationship, your sexuality, remember that you are a mother and a co-parent with your child's father, so make choices that are respectful toward yourself and the other co-parent...you are a team for life in that area. You don't have to stay intimate partners forever if you decide he is not for you, but you will be involved as co-parents for LIFE!. Make decisions that don't have you as the "bad guy" forever. You want to be able to look your child's father in the eye to be able to discuss what is best for your child always. You don't need a hurtful distraction like infidelity/betrayal in your history together to compromise your integrity and affect the respect your child's father has for you going forward. It is too important.

    My point is the advice, in fact, is SIMPLE. The work ahead of you, though....that is NOT EASY at all! Matters of the heart are very complicated and often painful to examine. It is brave of you to be willing to explore it by reaching out and discussing it here before acting on an impulse or opportunity that could affect your relationship with your child and your fellow co-parent forever. Now, take that reaching out a step further: Set up an appointment with a therapist and Do the Work,....even if you don't like what you hear or what you discover about yourself. It will be worth it.
     
    #15

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