"Straight?"

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Shelbs, Dec 8, 2013.

  1. Shelbs

    Shelbs Active Member

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    So there's this girl. Gorgeous beyond compare, sweet, blonde, loyal, my best friend...straight. So she says. She knows that I am in love with her, and she's told me she has had feelings for me when she wasn't sober. But I confronted her about it and she denied it. She started physically teasing me when she realized I had feelings for her, showing me pictures of herself, and writing out lengthy paragraphs as to what she would do to me if she had the chance. Naturally, I responded. But my parents found out and she stopped for a while. But last night, she came over and we were messing around playing truth or dare on Chatroulette and she was dared to kiss me so she did. Again. and again. and again. and again. Things got a bit more heated, though, but we didn't go all the way. She explored the upper half of my body, if you know what I mean. When we turned the computer and were laying in bed, she looked at me and told me not to go to sleep. She reached over and held my hand, before asking me what was my favorite part about the night. I told her, and her other hand began to wander, and then, as I was close, she stopped and laid back down. "I'm sorry, that was a mistake." She told me as she let go of my hand. "I don't want to hurt you...I'm not like that...please don't hate me." she kept saying that over and over until I grabbed her hand and reassured her that I could never hate her, and I wasn't hurt. (Even though I am.) We fell asleep and in the morning she acted like nothing had happened. Said girl is very sexual and open with me, but pushes me away when I give her a poem or song or something. Sounds a lot like Britt(me) and Santana(her) to me, but idk. Help?
     
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  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Honest advice? Run.

    It sounds as though she's questioning her sexuality, and into you. She could be intrigued by your interest in her; by the novelty of women; by how safe and familiar you are (and therefore how risk-free as a potential litmus test). She could be confronting her own not-straightness. She's definitely initiating and exploring same-sex affection and sexuality, and that doesn't match up so well with her straight identity.

    BUT. She's also really, really not ready to admit it. This is going to be something she does when she has an excuse - drunk, chatroulette, whatever. The morning after is going to suck for you, because whatever intimacy you experience with her will always be shoved back under the bed when she doesn't have a cover for it anymore. She's "straight," which means "not okay with my non-normative feelings no matter how many sapphic steps I take." She's "not like that," even though by her actions she is. Even if she agrees to a relationship, it is going to be closeted, on-again-off-again, and dramatastic. She is going to pull you close only to push you away, because she isn't ready to do anything else yet. Hot mess if it works out, heartbreak if it doesn't.

    So I would call her on it: "You say you're straight, but you're the one initiating our kisses and more. It's really confusing for me, you know? I'm trying to respect what you want, but if you want more we need to talk about it and not pretend it didn't happen the next day. Until we can have that conversation, I'd appreciate if we were just friends."

    (I also recognize that you probably won't lay down the line, because you like the flirtation even if the morning after sucks. But I think naming your own needs and not letting her play with you will be better for your well-being and self-respect in the long run; just my $.02. There are other folks here who advocate the straight girl flirtation and might give you different advice.)
     
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  3. Shelbs

    Shelbs Active Member

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    Thanks so much, but the thing is, you know, I /have/ talked to her. Just haven't given the ultimatum that includes the phrase "just be friends", because I know said girl. She'll respond back with, "But we /are/ just friends." Or she'll lash out at me in anger- and I really don't want to upset her...
     
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    So when she starts kissing you, stop her. And say, "Hey, I'm trying to respect your boundaries and just be your friend. If you want something else, we need to talk." And if she gets pissed, that's on her and because of her crazy, and not because of you. I think it is totally legitimate to name what you see happening and ask that she, as your friend, respect your boundaries as an out queer girl with a crush and stop messing with you.

    It takes two to do the disfunctional closeted-straight-girl BFF-with-benefits tango. So if she won't talk about it and won't cop to it and won't stop trying to mack with you when she's drunk, YOU stop dancing.
     
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  5. Shelbs

    Shelbs Active Member

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    But I'm afraid if I stop kissing her back she'll stop trying at all with me..and it's not about the sexual pleasure. I worry that if I stop she may not be able to accept that she has any feeling for me at all, if she does. But she may not, they may be non-existent and...God, I've got it so bad.
     
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  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Here's the thing. Broadly, you have two choices:
    A) Continue letting her set all the rules, mess with you, kiss you sometimes and ignore you others, and generally take advantage of your feelings for her own needs/gratification. Advantage: you get kissed and she doesn't freak out (much), and you get to stay in permanent obsessive crush mode (kinda fun?). Disadvantage: Messy friendship with no boundaries, which will make you obsessive, insecure, and permanently tied to her "maybe" at the expense of other actually queer girls who would not treat you this way.
    B) Set boundaries, express your needs, and accept the consequences. Advantage: you take responsibility and control over your own emotional well-being, and establish healthy habits for future friendships. Disadvantage: your probably-closeted "straight" friend could freak out, making your short-term friendship awkward and even more unstable; you could lose her and her drunken kisses (though that could happen anyway, if she decides that she can't deal with the temptation or reminder of what she won't admit she wants).

    I think you should go with B, because I believe that it is the healthier choice for BOTH of you, and will build your self-respect and capacity to be in healthy relationships. I think this is the better choice for your long-term life, even if it's the harder one in the short-term. I think it's better for her, because it will teach her that her actions have consequences and she needs to address her desires and needs if she wants them met. If you want her to keep kissing you, tell her so: "I love your kisses, but it's important to me that we're on the same page. Can we talk about what this means?" If you want her to feel safe with you, remind her: "You're one of my best friends, and I'm here for you even if sometimes I feel hurt. Anytime you want to talk, I'm ready." If you want her to understand why you're turning down kisses, make sure she knows it's what YOU need: "I respect that you're not ready to admit that this is happening, and we don't have to talk about it. But I really like you,and it hurts me to be hooking up like this. I'm trying to respect your boundaries; please respect mine and keep it friendly until you're ready to talk." You can be kind, consistent, and honest without letting her trample all over your emotional needs.

    But I also know, from your responses to this advice, that you're going to stick with A. That's fine; you're gambling that continued contact without challenge might allow her to accept her feelings and fall for you too. That's your gamble, and good luck with it - but there's not much advice I can give, given that you are strongly expressing that you are not comfortable doing anything to address or change the situation. I'm not going to validate your "let her do whatever and deny it in the morning" approach, because I think it's harmful to both of you. There is very little you can do to effect her process of self-acceptance, if indeed that's what's happening (and note that there are a lot of other things that could be motivating her). What you CAN do is protect yourself and your integrity, and not be a casualty of her hot mess.

    If you wanna talk strategies for that, I'm game. If you want to advice on how to help her accept herself and become your loving soulmate via unacknowledged hookups... ask someone else, because I've never seen that work.
     
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  7. Shelbs

    Shelbs Active Member

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    Bro I'm giving you so much Internet love right now, you don't even know...*hugs*. I think I will actually probably go for a mixture of the two options. AB, if you will. What I'm doing right now is keeping my distance. She seems pretty put off, but won't come talk to me. She's waiting for me to come to her. But I won't. I'm tired of girls like this impacting my life in such a way that I can't even breath when it comes to them. I don't know what I'm going to do, but after reading your VERY HELPFUL responses, I know that I can't let her control me anymore. It might take a while, but I am going to try to build up the courage and self-respect to confront her and lay down the law-no matter the consequences. A highschool "love" probably won't affect my long-term life at all, you're right. It's just hard to accept and conquer.
     
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