Straight Neighbor...

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Orphan97, Jul 28, 2013.

  1. Orphan97

    Orphan97 Member

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    Hey everyone...I have read many posts, but have never posted myself...I try very hard to work my problems out for myself, but this one is a bit more than I can deal with...I'm going a little crazy, which is very unlike me...I need your words of wisdom! I have recently gotten out of a long-term relationship and have been relying on my friends/neighbors to keep me otherwise occupied (if you know what I mean)...and they have been doing a great job of including me and keeping me busy...one specific neighbor has been great...she is married with two kids...I feel like I have become a member of her family...she is always inviting me for supper and asking me to come over and hang out or go with her to run errands...I have known her for a while, but since my "divorce" we have spent a lot more time together...I enjoy hanging out with her family and we laugh a lot, which is a good thing...however, I'm beginning to like her more than I should...I would normally just keep these feelings to myself and just go on with our friendship, but she's giving me some signals that I'm not sure what to do about...I don't presume to have the best 'gaydar' out there, but sometimes it seems obvious that she's making comments or touching me in ways that are suggestive...as if she likes me more than she should too...examples: she likes to hug me and touch my arm or the small of my back more than most people would in a conversation...she has commented on how soft my hands are and the other day she commented on how soft my lips probably are...she is a touchy/feely person with other people as well, but my gut tells me it is different with me...should I just ignore how I'm feeling or should I talk with her about it? Sometimes I feel like pushing her up against a wall and kissing her hard, but I fight the urge of course ;-)I would never jeopardize our friendship or her marriage (which isn't the best in the world by the way)...I need some advice...any perspective on the situation would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Straight women will do that kind of stuff for a variety of reasons and they truly have occupied a lot of forum space and most will never know the confusion they have caused in women like us.

    I think what she did was some harmless flirting. She could do that with a guy friend, but you are a lot less threatening and less improper to do that with in her eyes. She can get close to and even flirt a little and not think anything of it. I could be wrong but that is the vibe I feel on this. Of course there are women who are really gay but married and may leave a marriage for the right girl, but I don't see it in this one. I have a friend or two who have gone as far as sleeping with straight married women and it was often a hook up or short term deal. Those married women often were a little unhappy with the men they were with and often verbalized how jealous they were of lesbian couples, but they had no intention of leaving their men.

    If you don't want to flirt with a married woman or hookup with one, then don't. It is so easy to turn down a flirt by not smiling and not encouraging and still be polite. Don't put that energy out there and look at her only as a friend. Maybe this experience is telling you that you might want to get yourself out there and go on a couple of dates? I hope you are healing well from your divorce and best of luck to you.
     
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  3. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    It's kinda hard for us to know what to advise you...Like, prob some pronouncement on wheather she likes you or not would make things clear for you....but still, even if she did like you...you would still be in a mess. Married, kids, you on the rebound...it is kinda messy.

    Re her 'flirting', hmmm, Greylin did have a point re the safety issue. Straight girls often assume that flirting with lesbians is more harmless than flirting with straight men. Perhaps they make a generalisation that the straight man will react quicker and make a 'move', whereas the lesbian might be much slower to make a move. So if she is 'harmless' flirting, that means she is 'using' you to make her feel good about herself, to experience some frission, to lighten up her day, to feel a bit attractive again, to enjoy ur responses to her flirtation, or even to help u get ur head back up after your breakup ...but she certainly, certainly doesn't want this returned to her in any serious way. You harmless flirting back: fine. You actually wanting something from her: no. I don't know that she is harmless flirting with you, just letting you know that if she is, the last thing she wants is you asking her for more.

    You know, often times, women in serious long term relationships, particularly with children, see themselves as totally out of bounds. So they kinda assume that other people see them the same way too. This knowledge, that they are unavailable can sometimes casue a relaxation in their attitude towards flirting and they can flirt more, lightly and for enjoyment, because they assume other people knows that it 'means nothing' because they are unavailable.

    Honestly, everything that I'm writing seems negative. So I guess I feel that the likehood is that she just has a nice friendship with you. But of course I don't know that at all. She could like you for all I know. There isn't enough detail in your post to make much of a judgement eitherway. But if you consider all the possible motivations for her actions, the possiblilty that she likes you is only one of many...So I guess, don't get carried away.

    In advising you how to go forward, well it's difficult...cause I don't know what kinda person you are. If you are fairly chilled and in-control about these things...then I would say just do as you have being doing. Keep it in perspective and enjoy ur friendship and getting to know your new friend. It is nice having something else to think of besides the breakup after all.

    Buuuutttt...if you are going to wreck your head with this, if you are going to think about her constantly, if you are going to pick over the meaning of every interaction, if you are going to turn yourself into a cloud of longing and anxiety and confusion, then...hey, it's not worth it. You'll have to say something. I'm not saying that lightly, I know you prob would shit yourself at the prospect, but if you want your head back...it has to be done.

    Now, I would adapt a certain strategy with 'married straight woman' if confessing 'feelings'...basically a damage control policy to protect the friendship, which involves you taking full responsibility for the crush. Straight girls or girls who don't fancy you can get a bit pissy with the suggestion that they lead you on in some way, and that 'accusation' can affect the friendship going forward in that they don't know how to act around you.

    So sit her down and thank her for everything she has done for you. Say that with all her help and attention, and your emotional vulnerabilty after the break up, that you have gotten confused re her role in your life and you have started to develop feelings. Say with that in mind, you are going to have to take some steps back from her for a while until you get over it. And step back. If she likes you, she will step after you. If she doesn't like you, she will probably try to have some convo about that in a while to apologise if she has mislead you and you'll know where you stand. Once you are clear in your head, you will prob get over any feelings for her and go back to being her friend.

    If she 'steps after you', well that's a whole other story and you can come back to us on that one....
     
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  4. Orphan97

    Orphan97 Member

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    Thank you both for your feedback...greylin you are a genius! ;-) I wasn't sure about putting my profile out there online and beginning the process of talking to potential dates...but, after I read your post I knew that's what I needed to do...I've been getting too comfortable in my current situation and I need to surround myself with some of my gays ;-) Eventually I have to get back up on the horse and put myself out there...I'm still not sure about all the flirting though...I distanced myself from my neighbor this past weekend and made myself unavailable and she thought I was mad at her for some reason...she was upset with me for not being around as much as usual...I'm going to try meeting some new people and re-directing my flirting :) I'll let you know how it goes...
     
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  5. ella.bosom

    ella.bosom Member

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    Bookmarking!

    Please, keep us updated!
     
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