Straight friends + Small Town + Going Out For...

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Mags, Mar 5, 2014.

  1. Mags

    Mags Active Member

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    Howdy everyone,

    I have a situation that is causing me a lot of grief and making me surprisingly angry, and I haven't completely figured it out but I need to start by talking to some like-minded people...

    So I live with 2 girls, one of them is an old friend from high school and one of them I just met. They're both straight. Me and the friend from high school (H) are pretty close and we have another friend (K) who we've also known for years. K is also straight. They both know I'm gay, although they've known me through times of questioning and thinking I might be bisexual so they're probably a bit confused, to be honest. Hey, so am I! But it's a constantly evolving thing that I don't feel the need to publicize, and I am predominantly, most of the time, rather homo.

    Quite often H will come home and say "Hey, me and K are going out for drinks tonight, wanna come?" Drinking isn't something I've ever enjoyed a whole lot, I don't know if it's the expectation to dress up and be a certain way, the social anxiety of fearing rejection, or just a pure disinterest in the whole culture of it. So I usually say no, but this often leaves me feeling rather boring and lonely at home by myself. I have been a few times, and tried to enjoy it, but I just never really do. I dress however I feel comfortable, but then I feel like the odd one out, and I usually sit there quietly wishing I was somewhere else. The other aspect of it is meeting guys. Both girls dress up and put on make-up, not with the pure intention of picking up guys but with an excitement that they might. For me it's more like a dread. A dread that guys will hit on us. Especially because I'm grouped with them, and they'll be interested, but I won't. To be honest I assume they're not even interested in me, but they're interested in my friends and I have to awkwardly sit there and play this game that I never wanted to be a part of.

    I live in a small town and there are ZERO gay clubs. There used to be one but it shut down. When I think about it, if I could do this whole routine in a gay club or gay setting, I'd feel totally different. Yeah I'd dress up, yeah I'd be excited to go out, and YEAH I'd hope to meet some nice girl. Imagine bringing my friends too? Then they'd know how I feel ALL THE TIME. I'm not about to move cities or anything because this is where my family is, this is where my study is, and it's been home for a while now. It may be that there is a small space in my heart for the right guy, but if so, he wouldn't be the type I'd meet in a club, hitting on random girls. I tried to talk to my friend about it, but she doesn't really seem to get it. She said that if guys hit on us I can still talk to them, and if it comes down to it I can just tell them I'm not interested. Not the easiest or funnest thing to do, plus what if you and K are interested? I just walk home by myself?

    I don't really know what to do and I'm frustrated at not feeling normal, and not being able to just enjoy time with my friends. Similar experiences? Thoughts?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: Straight friends + Small Town + Going Out...

    Argh I feel your pain. Sounds like your social circle doesn't enjoy the things you would enjoy. Please don't feel like you have to go to things you don't like. It is perfectly normal to not want to be in a meat market. Have you thought of branching out and going to meetups on activities you do like? Perhaps you can do low-impact babysitting on nights that they go out where you are just there to read a book and not have to keep up with a little one by running around the house. This way perhaps you can save some money to go to a city and try out gay bars and not be too exhausted to do your studies.
     
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  3. MakeMeLaugh

    MakeMeLaugh Well-Known Member

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    Re: Straight friends + Small Town + Going Out...

    What struck me most about this whole post is your attitude towards going out. You should be happy to go out and spend time with people you consider friends no matter what the environment is. Why does it have to be a gay bar for you to have fun? I think if you adjusted your attitude towards going out or invited your friends to do something you liked in particular then you might have a better outlook on "going out". Now I understand some gay women feel more comfortable at a gay bar, its not rocket science BUT if there isn't one in the town you live in you have to make do with what you have. Keep in mind that "going out for drinks" is a social activity. You go to spend time with your friends, what you drink (alcoholic or not) really has nothing to do with what goes on for the rest of the night (unless "going out for drinks" is code for lets get shit faced---which in that case being the only sober one around when your friends get hysterically drunk isnt always a bad night lol). I have gone out with friends for "drinks" sipped on a soda and had a grand ole time! Also keep an open mind. You expressed that perhaps if you were going to a gay bar you might feel as excited as your friends do at the prospect of meeting someone; however, if there aren't gay bars in your town there is a good chance that gay women are attending these "straight" bars. If you thought that you could possibly meet someone you were interested in one of these bars, would your attitude towards "going out for drinks" be different? I can guarantee you as a gay woman, I RARELY frequent gay bars and have never met a woman at a gay bar....now I have met plenty at "straight" bars. Keep an open mind and suggest other activities that you like, because I am sure your friends just want to spend time with you and the possibility of meeting someone while they are out would just be the cherry on a very nicely frosted cake.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: Straight friends + Small Town + Going Out...

    I don't agree that the OP should make her at home in settings she had tried but doesn't like. When you are in a club and there is loud music the only thing to do is to drink and flirt. For me, if the sport is to see my straight friends get picked up I am down with that but not as a regular thing. As for the gay club, of course if I had not been to one I would be curious to see if I would like a similar setting but gay.

    I missed the part where the OP is angry about the whole thing. That itself is not healthy and perhaps if she feels like she can say no and do something else she might be able to relax.

    I don't like clubs and drinking places, gay or straight. I have had exceptions where I had enjoyed myself. But if it is a regular thing and the only way I get company of my friends I would be quite miserable.
     
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  5. MakeMeLaugh

    MakeMeLaugh Well-Known Member

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    Re: Straight friends + Small Town + Going Out...

    My point is that the OP blatantly stated that she would feel completely different if it were a gay bar and the prospective of picking up a girl was available as it is for her straight friends. Its clear that shes open to being in a bar; if its a gay one.

    "When I think about it, if I could do this whole routine in a gay club or gay setting, I'd feel totally different. Yeah I'd dress up, yeah I'd be excited to go out, and YEAH I'd hope to meet some nice girl."

    That is why I encouraged her to have that same attitude at a straight bar, because if there are no gay bars in town it is very likely that women that are interested in women are frequenting straight bars. I am in the belief that if you go into things with a piss poor attitude then that is how your evening is likely to end; but perhaps going into it with a positive attitude might help. I also encouraged her to find things she enjoyed doing and invite her friends to do them; I am sure if they are her friends they would be happy to participate.
     
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  6. Mags

    Mags Active Member

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    Re: Straight friends + Small Town + Going Out...

    Hey guys,

    Thanks for the feedback. I briefly touched on it in my first post but I think a large part of my reluctance/anxiety to go out is general low self-esteem and confidence stuff, feeling like I'll be judged - be it by men or women, straight or gay, interested or not interested. If it were all about my friends and meeting men then I agree, it would be a little out of proportion.

    I looked into the university's queer society, and found out that even though I'm not a student I can join or be involved in their events. They're hosting a superhero party next weekend and I'm considering going. I don't know if it's normal to just rock on up by yourself but I'd be a little hesitant to do so. Either I convince my straight friends to come or talk to the few gay girls that I know. Despite finding this I still felt nervous and started thinking "it'd be easier to just not go." Part of me is kinda excited, and excited at the prospect... I don't have a whole lot of confidence to hit on girls myself, so maybe that's something I'd have to work on. At least in that instance people automatically know you're queer if you're there (more or less), and that awkward part is out of the way. If I were to join my friends at a "straight" bar, I would hope that any lesbians in the room would have good enough gaydar to pick me. I've never been particularly obvious, but then again lately I've been exploring lately with different clothes, hair etc.

    So yeah, I guess I'm slowly finding my way. I do really wanna meet people so it'd be good to find a way to do that, one way or another!
     
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  7. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    Re: Straight friends + Small Town + Going Out...

    Its usually okay to "party" socialize with university students. They are ADULTS too, and in such a small town... more so.

    And by all means, take you friends to activities that has gay people. People I meet in non-gay clubs, I invite to gay clubs. Those I meet in gay clubs, I invite to non-gay clubs. As a bi-male. I've picked up women in straight, gay and lesbian clubs. No men in a lesbian club. LOL!

    My wife, who in her youth was Lesbian (now bi)... really had a hard time picking up or meeting girls. Even when two of her straight friends would go with her to Lesbian clubs, it was her friends who got hit on. I actually meet my wife in a straight-club where she was fishing for girls, dressed as a stud. Part of that has to due with hers / your attitude. That is with every person type. Like when I had a heart-breaking break-up, I was not approachable in clubs for 1-2 months. I was not a HAPPY camper. Not looking like a FUN person is not the way to meet people.

    Oh, ask those university people where THEY meet and socialize. Maybe go as a group into a bigger town, get a motel room and party in a good gay club. Gay or straight, a good dance club is fun.

    @MakeMeLaugh : I think that is excellent advice.
     
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