Stays with the guy.

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Lunatuna, Mar 9, 2019.

  1. Lunatuna

    Lunatuna New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2019
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    While this could turn into an incredibly long thread, I feel I need to get the facts out so I don't look stupid or she looks like a complete fool--although she is being just that.

    I met this girl at a bank job I started two years ago. I saw her and I swear I was taken back! good lord it was like love at first sight. I remember asking all my friends about her. No one could tell me anything about her. I would always catch her in the halls and everytime I looked at her, she'd look away. I thought, well I scare her cause I stare. Well weeks go by and she finally talks to me. To sum up what was weird and awkward flirting, I finally get her number. So were talking constantly. Having lunch together at work and we finally set something up to go out. we go out and have a great time. She is wonderful, funny, embarrassingly cute how hard she's trying to impress me and I pretty much do the same. We went out to this park close to my home and we stayed there all night talking.
    It.
    was.
    wonderful.
    So, we're finally getting ready to leave and she tells me that she has to tell me something that might make me change my mind about her. Naturally, i try to get it out of her--she tells me to wait. And I do. So finally the next day through text she tells me she has a child. NOT A BIG DEAL. I was hurt that she'd think thatd be a deal breaker for me. (while it does scare me, its not enough to scare me away)
    The next few weeks are amazing. We love the same bands, she wants to go to school for what I am currently pursuing, I mean seriously it had been 10 years since I met someone that made me melt. we seem perfect and I have said that one other time in my life. ive dated quite a bit but this felt real...Natural. We began falling for eachother.
    Ive had my small fair shares of one night stands and FWB, but this girl was not that to me at all. The sexual tension was building and building bad. we would talk about it and she would always say she wasnt ready. So, I wait and happily too. I did not really care, I could keep waiting. So one night things seem like they're finally going there. After months (my friends couldn't believe how patient I was being) we go back to my place after a night out and right as we're both ripping clothes off, she tells me she has something else to tell me and just starts crying. We both compose ourselves and she tells me she has a boyfriend. I was floored and completely broken. I told her to not say anything else and to just leave. So, she did.

    The next day she calls me crying, telling me how sorry she is and how she didnt mean to hurt me. She had what she thought was a crush, but didnt think she'd pursue anything with me and that I deserved better. We agreed that we still had to work together so we should just at least attempt to be civil.

    So I do well in ignoring her, I date other women and try and have a good time. Eventually she hears of my moving on and begins being really pissy with me. I figured she would, and its not as though i rubbed it in her face. I am very private and avoid drama. She gets mad at me, goes off on me and then apologizes. We are again, civil friends. Around christmas time, I went out with some friends and she showed up. I was very very drunk and was not expecting her. Eventually we end up all over each other and while everyone there knew our dilemma, no one had said anything. Finally a friend of mine shows up and just calls her out in front of everyone. They get into this huge argument and the next thing i remember is being in my truck arguing with her. She basically told me the only reason why she was staying with this guy was out of security and financial reasons. I know this is a red flag and I shouldnt give the excuse that she had a terrible childhood as a way to defend her need for some security, but I know this is why she is like this. We've talked about it 100 times. She tells me she loves me and she doesnt know what to do. She wants me to tell her what to do...... So, I tell her that this isnt my choice. She has to and I realized in that moment things were so much more complicated because she has a child. She tells me shes only with this guy because she cant afford motherhood on her own at the moment. Which hurts me. Makes me feel inferior to a man that controls her every move. She also tells me how insecure she is about her sexuality and does not know how her family would handle her leaving this guy for a woman. It was horrible. We stay there talking for what seems like forever and nothing really gets cleared. She tells me shes transfering to another branch and that we needed to stay friends. I remember being so pissed and telling her that I did not for whatever reason want to be her friend. She cant understand why and I am in shock that she can't understand this after the 10th time the 'staying friends thing' hasnt worked for us. She had her last month at our branch and on her last day told me that she understood if I never wanted to talk to her again. Fast forward to a couple months and we would occasionally talk. I tried not to talk too long and she would usually sense this. Eventually, i stopped replying to her although I would miss her dearly. It took everything I had in me to not call her or text her back. She began posting stuff on social media and was indirectly calling me out. I deleted my social media. It was depressing and I am in the last year of a phd program.....this distraction has been painful and time consuming. Luckily, my grades have not suffered but I have had a handful of women come in and out of my life since I last saw her. i cannot seem to get her off my mind. For a while I was bouncing between two girls that I actually really liked before meeting this other girl, and I couldn't even enjoy them. I would go out and find myself thinking of her. I got somewhat serious with one girl and everytime we slept together, I thought of her. I thought of her and how badly time screwed me over. How bad she screwed me over but also how perfect she could've been. Just to feel anger towards her, Id torture myself and think of her coming home to a guy every night...and realistically I cant hate a man I do not know and one that is being played as I was.
    I keep holding onto this very small piece of hope that she will leave him. And I have never said that to anyone, but Im hurting for this girl every day and its been a couple months now. HOW DO I MOVE ON FROM THIS? Ive had 3 other serious relationships in my life so I feel as though this moving on thing does not come easy. Especially because Ive only been in love once. First girl I was ever with....10 years ago.

    The reality is, I am a catch. I am a hard nut to crack but I am faithful and honest. I am also a hopeless romantic who prays everyday to only marry one time in her life...the right woman. I suppose with her I felt so honored because most of the women I've dated, Ive been the one to pursue. Ive been the one to go out of my way and take care of all the little things. She was different. I could feel her trying for me and it was rare for me to feel that. Her honesty and genuineness, besides not mentioning the boyfriend, seemed real. I would look at her and feel completely vulnerable and I could feel her vulnerability too.

    I want to move on, but the girl has left me broken and I find myself taking it out on this current girl I am talking to. I dont feel anything for this girl and Im not sure why. Shes nice, gorgeous, and an all around decent girl--yet i do not see myself moving on anytime soon. Ive cut most of this other girl out of my life completely and Im still hopeful for something and I feel like a complete jackass and idiot for doing so.
     
    #1
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    So I read this and one thing stood out to me most of all --

    The WAY this was handled. And when I say the "way" I mean, she CHOSE to lie about everything from day one....and omitting important details to me is as bad as lying.

    It started with not telling you about the kid....then not telling you she had a boyfriend...and then finally...after being pressed on the issue and with her feelings she's telling you that she's only with him for the financial security (instead of giving you this information at the same time she told you about him).

    The point is everything started with a lie...continued with a lie....and thus nothing she says can ever be trusted. Does she tell you things to try to keep you close? What is she telling him? Is she wanting her cake and eating it too or is she really caught between a rock and aa hard place?

    We cannot help how we feel....or when we fall for someone and unfortunately you fell for someone who played you....I've been there and it sucks (in my case, years ago a girl who played me so bad convincing me we were in a relationship....while she was open to date whomever....to even placing a personal ad on a dating site from MY computer).

    Somehow you get over it. And when you realize you're worth better than lies, she begins to occupy fewer of your thoughts.
     
    #2
    greylin likes this.
  3. Lunatuna

    Lunatuna New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2019
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thank you. I know I’ll move on.....eventually. It’s just been hard not thinking of her because she’s usually mentioned amongst friends and others. I think they can see me shut down after a conversation about her. Thank you!
     
    #3
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    I think a lot of times, it’s hard to move on from situations because we don’t have closure. Unfortunately, a lot of times other people don’t give us closure, we just have to make it for ourselves.

    With this girl- she made a choice. A series of choices really. But the two big ones were to have a bf and mess around with you on the side. She’s also lied a lot, which makes it harder for you to know what the truth is, for closures sake. You probably are stuck thinking about this, because pieces of the puzzle are missing. Pieces she lied about, or omitted.

    Her choice to stay with the bf is a valid one and her’s to make. If he makes good money, gets along with her family, treats the kid right (is he the kid’s dad?). Yes, it sucks that women mess around with girls but stay with guys. However, the sucky part is more the messing around with girls part and less the settling for comfortable guys part.

    She chose a convenient relationship (and maybe her kid’s dad?) That’s not the choice that you or I would make. But it’s her choice and a valid one for her to make. You just have to accept that she made it. Plenty of people, bi, lesbian and straight choose comfortable provider types all the time.

    She’s lied to you by omission about a lot of other things, so she has probably omitted some of the reasons she is with him. She may genuinely love him, he may be kind and supportive towards her. They may have a lot of history. Heck, the sex might even be decent. And again, he might be the baby daddy, or at least an excellent step father.

    Of course, she isn’t going to tell you that stuff. One, it would probably be hard for you to hear. And two, it makes her sound like a real jerk - cheating on her nice, caring bf sounds a lot worse than cheating on some guy with money.

    Unfortunately, it also makes you hold out some hope that she loves you and not him. That she will leave him.

    She’s not going to leave him. She’s not going to leave him for you.

    Plus. She’s a cheater, a liar, self serving, and manipulative. Why would you want someone like that?

    She would just continue to lie to you, to manipulate you and to hurt others to get what she wants. She probably would cheat on you, just like she’s cheated on him. It’s very unlikely that this is the first time she’s cheated- she was pretty brazen and smooth about the whole thing. I mean, she cheated at work and in her social circle! She knew what she was doing when she kept her bf on the down low for months. She knew what she was doing when she got you hooked before coming clean. And she omitted things about why she stays with him. She’s still low key pursuing you, which is pretty shameless.

    Cheaters are pretty notorious for making things seem excusable and exceptional. ‘I have never done this before, you’re special, I just stay with him / her because of money/ school/ kids.’

    The truth is, a lot of cheaters are serial cheaters. There may be valid problems with their relationship. But their actions- lying, using their partner and mistress - aren’t valid responses. The excuses they use with you are probably the same excuses that they used with the last mistress and will use with the one after you.

    She’s not a healthy person who made a lame decision to stay with a guy. She’s an unhealthy person, who is with a guy but also chooses to lie and cheat on the side.

    I get that you fell for her because she’s hot and you share interest. But beyond the hotness, she is not a good person. To get over her, I suggest you take a step back and look at her actions objectively.
     
    #4
    greylin likes this.
  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    @Lunatuna I am sorry things went the way they did.

    First off, you are doing everything right by not continuing on with her.

    I think I know why this is so difficult. I read this a few times and I don't see her as a typical cheater. It seems like she is of some avoidant personality type and can't deal with things. But 2 times she revealed something big with you she did it before you took another step into your relationship.
    I thought the kid thing was not a big deal, because she told you after 1 date. So, she found out she liked you and she told you she is a mom. The part about the bf is just ridiculous. I would have thought that would be the thing you would really worry about before dating, not the kid, not just the kid. But, she did tell you before you had a chance to sleep together. So, it does not seem like someone who is just out for a good time. I think the hard part is that she has had a beard all this time & didn't realize it and she fell for you. I bet she really didn't know if she loved him or not, or she probably thinks she does.

    I think some of this makes it hard to pull away from someone. Yes, she could have just faked everything. But I would acknowledge that suspicion (I think...) of yours that she is truly in love with you, and do the very hard step of saying, ya, if she could have had more courage to live her life the way she chooses then it would have been great, but it does not mean I will let this turn me into a person I don't like. Or be part of a friendship where you can't trust someone. No matter how genuine her feelings are for you and how much she is just hiding her sexuality, you just can't trust someone with issues like that.

    The part I can really get angry about is her thinking she had the right to be pissy. That you know is true, her being pissy at you and you can concentrate on that and like @Spygirl said, "Somehow you get over it. And when you realize you're worth better than lies, she begins to occupy fewer of your thoughts."
     
    #5
  6. Lunatuna

    Lunatuna New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2019
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    I appreciate the honesty. I suppose I keep finding myself making excuses for her.

    I always think it’s an interesting sign for a girl to tell you, I have some serious issues. You don’t want to get involved with me. Instinctually, I want to. Ha! I want to know more and I kind of think I don’t give her enough credit in knowing that she knows I want to know more.

    I constantly tell myself that she told me these things about her boyfriend to spare my feelings, but I don’t think she realizes that it has only managed to plant a seed of hope. I would rather her be honest with me and disregard my feelings. I can get over it. But as the story has told, she’s not exactly honest. That evening I asked her bluntly if she loved him. She hesitated. And said what kind of question is that. I said, a simple one with a simple answer. She never gave me an answer. So then I asked if he was good to her child (no he is not the fathers child) and she said yes. Then I asked if he was good to her and she said no. I think it is this exact answer that has continued to haunt me. Because maybe she said this again to spare my feelings or maybe, she really does not want to be with him. And the fact that I do not know this kills me.

    I can be honest with myself and say that if it’s not broken, don’t fix it. If she’s starting a family and has future mother in laws, etc.... I do not want to be the person that comes between that. But that bullsh*t answer sits in my head.

    I think once I make peace with this, I’ll be okay.thank you.
     
    #6

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice