Sorority Girl Situation

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by cmrc774, Dec 9, 2014.

  1. cmrc774

    cmrc774 New Member

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    I'm a student at a very small, very conservative liberal arts university. I myself am not involved in Greek life but I have a lot of friends who are. About two months ago, I went to a party with my friend Sarah who is in a sorority and she introduced me to one of her sorority sisters, Alex. Alex seemed nice enough but we didn't really talk much at the party.


    Fast forward to Halloween and my friend Sarah said that Alex had invited the two of us to come drink in her room at their sorority house before we went out. This time I got to talk to Alex a lot more and we really hit it off. We ended up going to a few parties together- Sarah left us at some point to find her boyfriend. By the end of the night, we were both pretty drunk and Alex said since her sorority house was closer than my room so I should just crash there. She gave me a change of clothes and we both slept in her twin bed and cuddled but nothing happened.


    A few more weeks passed after Halloween and Alex and I never really talked other than saying hi when we saw each other on campus. Then at dinner one night my friend Sarah mentioned off hand that Alex had not yet found a date to their sorority formal. I jokingly suggested that Alex take me (at this point I was still pretty sure Alex was just a very nice straight girl) but Sarah texted her the idea anyways. Within minutes Alex showed up to where we were having dinner and asked me if I would go to her formal with her and of course I said yes. Once Alex had left us, my friend Sarah gave me a look and told me not even to think about because Alex was straight and just thought I would be a fun date.


    On the night of Alex's formal, we went out to dinner with some of her sorority sisters and their dates. After dinner, we went back to their sorority house and Alex and I went to her room to start drinking. We pretty quickly finished off a fifth of vodka so it's safe to say we were both fairly intoxicated. We went to the formal and ended up making out in the photo booth and then again when we were dancing. After the formal I went back with her to her room and we stayed up talking and then again I slept over and we cuddled but nothing else.


    After the formal, our university had Thanksgiving break so Alex and I went to our respective homes. We live across the country from one another so we didn't get together but we texted quite regularly. I also confessed to Sarah that I was most definitely developing feelings for Alex and she reiterated the fact that Alex was straight and probably just overly affectionate when intoxicated. She also informed that Alex will be studying abroad next semester so even if she did like girls, it didn't matter because she was leaving.


    Not the type to be discouraged, I texted Alex as soon as we were back on campus and asked her if she wanted to get together. She told me that she had planned to have a quiet night in at her sorority house but that she wanted me to come over anyways. I walked over to her house with a magnum bottle of wine to share. She got us some glasses and we went to the house's common room to talk. The common room is also where the TV is located so as the night went on more and more of Alex’s sorority sisters came in to watch TV. The night progressed rather smoothly: Alex and I finished the wine and we watched TV and talked to her sisters. As it got later, Alex and I went back to her room and continued to talk. I could tell that she was very tired so I told her that I was going to call it a night and head home- she agreed this was a good idea.


    On my walk back home I started to think that maybe I had misread the signals and that Sarah was right. But when I got back to my room I had slew of texts from Alex- mostly asking me if I was going to hurt her feelings and informing me that I was confusing her. I tried to call her to talk about it but I guess she had fallen asleep.


    And here comes the place where I need advice. Ever since this night, I’ve tried to talk to Alex about the situation but she always deflects or feigns ignorance- the only time she’ll come close to the topic is when she’s been drinking. And even then I can’t get any clear responses.


    Normally I would just be patient and wait it out but Alex is leaving the country in two weeks.


    Does she really like me? How should I proceed?
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think Alex likes you, but is deeply closeted - even to herself. She isn't ready to deal with this issue, so alcohol is a "crutch" for her. You're not really gay (or bi) if you only kiss girls when you are drunk. ;)

    I think you should proceed by protecting yourself. And by that I mean, not get involved with a closeted girl who isn't ready to face her sexuality.

    Find ways to meet girls who are out and available. Move on from Alex and skip the drama.
     
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  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    *warning klaxon* She only acknowledges it when drunk *warning klaxon*

    As Bluenote said it's not a good sign if she only kisses you/talks about the situation etc when drunk. She's also leaving to study abroad, so looks like you won't be spending that much time together so it seems like any kind of friendship (emphasis on friendship at this point) will be long distance. Anything you do as an advance on friendship could be unsettling to both you and her. She's already said that you confuse her, so we can presume that there's going to be some conflicting thought going on with her so you need to not push her for answers because it maybe something as simple as she just doesn't have any yet.

    You talk like you're out and that you friends know, so it might be wise to just draw a line under this one and look to finding someone who's more available to you.

    (PS As this is the thread with the replies on you may want to delete your duplicate posts :) )
     
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  4. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    noice advice there Nanc.
     
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  5. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Question: Do you think making the decision to walk away is something you could likely do at this point or are you 'hooked' and willing to risk getting hurt?
     
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  6. cmrc774

    cmrc774 New Member

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    How do I delete my duplicate posts? (I'm new to the forum :))
     
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  7. cmrc774

    cmrc774 New Member

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    I'd like to say I could just walk away from it at this point but if I'm being honest I don't think it'll happen. That's largely due to the fact that we've developed a routine over the past few weeks where we study and eat meals together almost every day- although there are usually other people with us as well. I know that if I just abruptly cut that off then questions would arise. Should I just continue things as usual and wait for break when we inevitably go our separate ways?
     
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  8. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Sure, I would in ur shoes. See what happens. U don't have that much to lose by keeping seeing her if she is heading off in two weeks. How long is she going for?
     
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  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    I agree with what Moses is saying, just tread with care and respect her confusion.

    (if you look at the bottom of what you've posted there's a delete option, bottom left- edit, delete, report)
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    PM @Harpy , she'll do it.
     
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  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Or that of course
     
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  12. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I'm guessing there are finals before break? If so, I think you can back off your routine some. Pick a few nights a week and say 'I've got to buckle down for Math / Physics / History / whatever,' I'm just gonna study in my room. Likewise, skip a few dinners 'I want to catch up with Jess before break.'

    I think you can change routine some around break.

    Why, particularly, do you care if people know things are different? Do you feel a need to protect her? Are you embarrassed? Not judging you, just trying to understand so you can get better answers.
     
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  13. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    You seem to care for each other and it would be silly no to talk. However, there are several things about this situation that makes it tricky such as leaving soon, being confused, drunken alter-egos. Part of her hesitation could be related to her imminent trip.

    If you want to clarify things, talk to her, even if you are the only one doing the talking. You can tell her that you don't want to hurt her, you respect her, but you are, indeed, interested in her. You can leave the next move up to her, so that when she feels like talking about it, she knows she can do so with you.

    There is always the possibility that you tell her that you can get together when she gets back.

    Good luck,
     
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  14. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    There was this one time at band camp when I......

    That's a joke..but not really. I say this because as I'm cough *older* cough ....than you, it seems like every time I reply or post to advice lately I sit there and say to myself "I've so been there...." Like really. And no, I can't give you intel on what it was like to live during the American Revolution :)

    So there was this time in college when I was dating someone who in a very short time was leaving school to study abroad in Hong Kong for a semester. I wasn't the one leaving, but as the time for the study abroad semester started getting closer, I started finding myself withdrawing and pulling away. At the same time he (yes it was a he..but what do I know, i was confused to say the least back then) as the semester abroad got closer, pushed for us to take our relationship/dating thing/whatever to a serious level. I was afraid to get serious and then be apart. What would happen? What wouldn't happen? The point is, I'm willing to bet that if she fancies you, then it's as much as a concern for her as you. It sucks when you've got exciting plans to study half a world away -- and then you meet someone you're crazy about and have no clue what to do? It also sucks to develop feelings for someone and then leave or vice versa.

    I think she likes you. I think like Bluenote said, alcohol is her safe zone. That way inhibitions are down and she can easily write her behavior off to the booze because she's afraid or confused by what she's feeling.

    For the time being, I'm not so sure I would break things off because I'm not sure that's what you want. I would try to talk to her if you can -- find out at least if you were reading the situation correctly in that she likes you. You never know, distance may give her some perspective to sort out what's confusing her. And not to sound like a fortune cookie, absence can make the heart grow fonder. A gentle, honest conversation should be had before she leaves.
     
    #14
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2014
  15. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You guys have much more faith in human nature than I have. You guys think if someone is treating you like [email protected] and you "talk" with them, things will get better.

    My experience is that people treat each other like [email protected] for deeply seated reasons - repressed homosexuality, selfishness, or a horrible personality. Those things don't change with a "talk."

    If this girl is gay amd deeply closeted, the chances of "talking" going honestly are about 0.

    You: what's up, you've been hot and cold lately.
    Her: well, I'm coming to realize that I'm gay. But I have a lot of internalized and externalized homophobia. So I'm feverishly alternating between repression, projecting my feelings onto you and drunkenly acting out.

    Not likely. It's more likely that the "talk" will reflect where she is at. Denying any feelings for you, chalking it up to drunkeness, etc...

    Coming out is not an easy process for most. She doesn't seem ready, or equiped to handle it.
     
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  16. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    On the other hand, if everyone waited for the conditions to be perfect, we would have a bunch of 40 year old virgins running around. Conditions are never perfect, there is always stuff going on and stuff to be figured out and stuff to be conquered. CMRC, you guys are really young. Likelyhood is that you don't have a lot of stuff figured out...both of you, about who you are and what you want. That's OK. That's kinda what the journey is about. You've got lotsa positive stuff going on with this girl from what you described. Plus, if that's you in ur pic, you've got that going for you too as a persuasive aspect. It's perfectly normal to be all hopping in, hopping out of the closet at that age. It's perfectly normal to be all drunken gay and glossing it over when sober. That's just the process of flexing your courage and battling your fear when trying to come out. Your girl is not an ass. She is just normal. That's what folks who are coming out do. And she has been pretty brave...popping up in an instant to invite you to that formal 'n suggesting you stay over 'n such. I'm not entirely sure about having a 'talk', but going to a party 'n making out some might be fine...then maybe some texting/chatting. Plus...somewhere in the middle of this making out, you could tell her that you like her. Nothing heavy, just let her know. Also, you making a suggestion might be cool cause maybe she lost confidence when you went home that time.
     
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  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Yep, what @Moses said
     
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  18. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Well, the OP Said she's tried to talk with "Alex" and Alex just deflects, won't give clear answers, etc...

    It is true that things are rarely perfect. But it's also true that girls who get involved with closeted girls frequently get burned.

    Yes, maybe the closeted girl gets things figured out 2 or 3 years down the road - but it still [email protected] for the trail of broken hearts.

    I agree that "Alex" sounds pretty normal. I just differ in that if she's "normal closeted," that it'll resolve quickly.

    50 / 50 says Alex gets smashing drunk and sleeps with the OP the night before she leaves, then pretends like nothing happens.
     
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  19. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Whatever. I stand by my grizzled cynicism. :p
     
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  20. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Getting burned is part of life. It doesn't have to be a horrific thing to be avoided at all costs. There are lessons, learning, growth and lots of good memories that go hand in hand with hurt. Also, hurt heals. You are never going to get a guarantee when you begin something with someone and attraction is not always sensible. If you never risk or only risk when you are virtually guaranteed a win, well your chances of winning anything decent r pretty limited IMO.
     
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