So tired of being afraid

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by J, Nov 5, 2013.

  1. J

    J Well-Known Member

    Jul 3, 2013
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    This song has been sung many times before but I just need to vent.

    I've been struggling with my sexuality for years. It didn't take long for me to accept myself because I know there's nothing wrong with being gay. But I am so afraid of what my friends and family will think, mainly my close group of friends. I can't go out and meet anyone because I'm not out, only out to two people who live miles away from me. I came out to them because they are very good friends of mine, I knew they weren't homophbic and they had no connection to my other family and friends back home.

    People I just meet assume I'm straight and it's hard for other girls to tell if I am or not. I pretend I like guys romantically. So I'm just stuck. My heart is heavy, I cry a lot, I feel alone. I'm SO tired emotionally. The next person I want to tell is my sister because she will be accepting and she'll understand, but even then I'm still afraid, although I feel it on the tip of my tongue. There's this strong urge to just blurt it out to her but I haven't taken the leap yet. It still feels really weird for me to say outloud, "I'm gay" or "I like women" even though it's been a long time since I knew this about myself.

    On the outside I seem happy and outgoing, goofing around, and yes there are moments when I do genuinely feel happy, but it takes but a moment for reality to set it and suddenly I feel alone in a room full of people. A huge part of the smiles and laughter is hiding the hurt I feel inside.

    Not sure where I'm going with this but I guess I just need to know someone is listening.
  2. Falk08

    Falk08 Well-Known Member

    Jul 21, 2013
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    I feel ya!

    You sound sooo much like me. I was that person so happy on the outside, looking straight and seeming interested in guys so afraid of what my family and friends would think.

    All I can tell you is my experience and all of my straight and in general fairly conservative friends have been nothing but accepting and wonderful, it was a great surprise and it feels amazing to be able to share that part of my life with them. A few of them even seemed insulted that I didn't trust them enough to tell them sooner. My brother who is also uber conservative was someone who I was very worried to tell and with a little liquid courage I told him and the first thing he did was give me a hug. I don't want to push you into doing something you're not ready for but I just want to make the point that assuming you're young (I'm 24) most people in our age group (at least in my personal experience) have been nothing but supportive, even to the point of boing totally not a big deal-ness that I was almost disappointed :p jk that's great that it's a non-issue.

    I will tell you, my parents have been an entirely different story but if you're considering telling them as well, be firm I made the mistake of telling them "I'm bi or maybe I'm not sure" to ease the blow, you need to be honest with them and to a certain degree hold your ground. I find that the more I do that, things get better.

    My biggest piece of advice, is that if you at least start trying to tell some of your friends you won't feel so isolated and as if you're life is something no one can take part in.

    Good luck! Keep my posted if anything goes down!
  3. Brandy Alexander

    Brandy Alexander Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    J, we all have struggled with coming out to family and friends. It's a dance; we're all forced to perform at one time or another to someone else's tune. However, keep in mind "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple" by Dr. Seuss.

    Telling close/good friends can be scary. The devil's advocate within us tends to show only the worst case scenario as the only possible outcome. Although, in reality our sexual orientation should never be a defining reason for or against any friendship we choose to engage in. If your sexual orientation isn't accepted by a friend then they were not your friend to begin with. I wouldn't necessarily make a big production out of telling a friend about your sexual orientation. Especially if you haven't dated recently chances are they already know because of your lack of romantic entanglements and don't care or your friendship would have ended.

    I have said it before and I will say it again. My sexual orientation is the last and least defining adjective, adverb, noun, or verb anyone should use to describe me. I'm kind, caring, funny, and loyal. I'm playful, respectful, and spontaneous. I'm intelligence, witty, and grumpy before my morning coffee. I could list a thousand other characteristics, but to avoid any redundancies I boil down to more than my sexual orientation. I'm not my sexual orientation. It is only a very small part of me. You should view yourself the same way. There is more to you then your sexual orientation. Don't let anyone define you based on that characteristic alone. It would be unfair and a crime. No person should be defined only as "gay", "straight", or "bi".

    Telling family is more difficult. I don't know enough about your family situation to offer advice. I will tell you in my case coming out to my family was difficult. We operated via "Don't ask. Don't tell" before President Clinton was even sworn into office. After 20+ years and countless "prayer chains" my parents have accepted my sexual orientation. Today my Mom fully supports "gay marriage" and allowing the LGBT community the "same rights" as heterosexual couples.

    Time was a factor in my situation. I didn't, however, find the need to rush things or make a public statement at Thanksgiving. I had my partner at my side during Holiday's, family gatherings, and vacations. I respected the social boundaries my family is comfortable with and didn't engage in PDAs. I introduced my partner as my friend. I know I will get some flak for white-washing my situation, however, within my family beating them over the head with my sexual orientation would have made things worse. I chose the least stressful route and in the end it paid off. I hope things go smoothly for you. When and how you decide to come out to family.

    I think what will certainly help in your situation is if you do find someone you would like to spend time with and date. I don't necessarily think you have to have a girlfriend at your side to make the declaration "I'm gay", however, it may make it easier. If anything it may remove the doubt. I know how difficult it is for a "Feminine" girl to say she is gay, however, stay true to your heart! If being gay is a certainty then don't back down. Through life friends come and go as we grown and evolve simply take it one day at a time. Friends that stay are meant to be and those that go you don't need around anyways.

    Good Luck.
    Wild Orchid likes this.
  4. J

    J Well-Known Member

    Jul 3, 2013
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    Falk and Brandy, thanks for sharing your experiences and advice. Makes me feel a little less alone. I'm 23 and I've never been in a relationship and people wonder why, it's getting hard to make up excuses. I've never been one of those girls desperate to be in a relationship or unable to be alone, I like my alone time as much as I like being around people, but never being in a relationship is lonely lol.

    I know that being gay doesnt define me, but people will judge and think that way. But I know all I can do is try to make them understand (when the time comes) that that's not the case and for those too stubborn, they're not worth it.

    I really dont know how my friends will react, I feel like it could really well or not at all. Anyway, I'm still trying to find the courage and start by telling my sister. I think she knows deep down. She just asked when I was going to get a boyfriend...and then asked when I was going to get a
  5. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

    Jan 25, 2014
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    Hey J, saw your posts on some other subjects.

    There are a lot of people in such situations, hence the importance of Marriage Equality for the WHOLE USA. The fear from various types of people is that gay-marriage will create more homosexuals, when in reality - I think a lot more people will come-out. Its getting there.

    Depending what state/city you live in, it will give you more options. As you posted else-ware, that your close friends say horrible words about homosexuals. Maybe some is just childish banter- I don't know. Perhaps you can drop hints that "marriage equality is not a bad thing. You've read that hundreds of thousands of Americans are afraid of people knowing they are gay. It hurts nobody... that we interact with gay people everyday when we go out the door without knowing. Our family, our friends, our class-mates, the guy who mows the lawns, the cable guy, the cute girl at McDonalds, etc."

    Some parents/families will accept homosexuals, some won't. But you are hurting yourself inside and maybe some day you'll POP and say it at the wrong time. Many people change... There was a time when homosexuals scared or grossed me out. Then I learned that we are all human. I always had some same-sex fantasies, but I dealing with people in real life and as a young team I totally shoot down others who showed attraction to me. Then I was bi-curious about 10 years ago for a few weeks before I "experimented" and it good. I'm still somewhat in the closet, some friends know, some don't. I told my my wife on our first date "I really like you, I won't ever lie. I am bi". I've actually dated a few girls who didn't care for homosexuals of bisexuals - which I had to end. How could I be in love with someone who I have to lie to?

    If you live near or in a big city, you have a place to meet new friends. In some of the non-gay clubs I go to, they patrons don't care if you are gay, bi, in drag, etc. I actually invite gay friends to go to such clubs to have FUN as a place with good music and people.

    You need to love and feel loved... beyond just sex. If you are out-going and such, then meet NEW people who can like you - if your long-time friends cannot. You will get more depressed as time goes on. If you don't want to come-out to your family, consider moving to another city and be yourself. I have some friends who do that... very gay, but when they go hundreds of miles on family holidays - they are "not gay". Its not great solution, but would allow you to be yourself all of the time and best of all, you'll meet people (gay and not) who will like you, care about you and love you.
    You'll get more advice with people you can talk to openly in person. They can give your strength. And you'll know that if your OLD friends don't like you anymore - that it simply won't matter as much. If they are REALLY your friends - they will support you.

    Because you are so hidden, you have nobody to talk to or be yourself... and if someone else is okay with gays or is gay themselves, they won't know about you.

    Wish you the best.

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