So many questions...

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by carryyourheart, May 2, 2016.

  1. carryyourheart

    carryyourheart New Member

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    Hello all!

    I'm not entirely where to post this because it covers a few different areas....anyhow! (I also apologise in advance if it's a bit all over the place!)

    Firstly I should say, I've just come out to my close friends (yay!). Such a relief, and to be honest, I can't believe I waited so bloody long to do so. Now I've joined Tinder & a few other dating apps to try and meet women, which is where my problem is....

    I've met with 2 girls now, both a bit older than me, and both super cool. I've lined up a few other drink dates with really gorgeous women (which is a nice boost to my ego, I must say).

    My first question is. Should I be telling these women I'm recently out? I don't feel like lying, but at the same time I feel super awkward about it. For all intents and purposes I'm a pretty well adjusted member of society, and have a great professional job so no risk of me being (too) weird. But I feel like my inexperience labels me as a bit of a loser? I can be a bit shy, but I have no problem talking to people and having fun. Now that I'm slowly getting more used to the dating scene, I've been up front with the next couple of girls I'm meeting, but the first two I just didn't say anything about being recently out....is that dishonest?

    Secondly, because I'm new to the lesbian dating scene I'm sort of just following the other girl's lead on how the date goes. But unfortunately it's not really leading anywhere (not that I'm after a hook up) and I've really wanted to kiss them, but feel like I'm only getting to know them at the same time. I'm just worried it's more like friends meeting, when I don't want that vibe. I'm not sure what my question is here....maybe how to initiate the kiss because I'm never the one to do it (although that sounds creepy..)?

    Next...I realllllllly liked the first girl I went out with. But I'm sort of getting an indifferent vibe from her now. She keeps texting me back but with sort of short answers. Is coffee a good idea for a second date?

    Lastly, because I am so new to this I've sort of just gone at it a bull at a gate style, and am a bit super excited that I can now be honest to my friends about who I am. Although, I've found at the same time I'm getting super anxious about what the other person thinks of me. Which is usually not my style at all! Any tips for how to chill the F* out and go with the flow?

    Anyway, hope that makes sense! Just happy to finally accept myself for who I am, and navigating how to begin a relationship with a girl!
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I don't have any tips on being chill and smooth with the ladies because, despite my cat profile, when I like someone, I am more like an excited puppy dog. I just want to; however, give you a virtual high five and hug for coming out. Having the emotional clarity and the courage to follow through with such a personal decision does not a loser make. I would think on a date, you just have to like each other. I hope you keep moving forward in this until someone stops you in your tracks and you will start something amazing together.
     
    #2
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You do not have to tell someone you are 'recently out' until things get serious. Think of it like 'do you want kids,' or 'do you have x,y,z health issue.' Yes, when you get to dating someone seriously, you should talk about those things. But they aren't necessarily relevant to someone you are just casually dating. So just like you aren't obligated to announce 'I really want to get married and have kids someday!!!' on the first date, you are not obligated to say 'hey, I am a newb!!!' on the first date.

    No need to apologize. Life isn't always all organized and concise.

    This can happen with women. Two women go out on a date and they have to work out - who holds the door, who pays, who initiates the make out session (I upgraded you, you're welcome).

    I think you are on the right track in terms of initiating. Step one is you want to judge the vibe you are getting. Is she flirting, initiating any other kind of physical contact? Obviously, you don't want to kiss someone who doesn't seem at all into you.

    Honestly, if the vibe is there, you just take the plunge and go for it. Though there is a reason why lots of people sort of progress on their dates - coffee dates, then drink dates, then maybe going dancing or to a show. It's much easier to sort of flirt and work up to making out at a cozy little bar, then in a coffee shop. Not that I am saying 'get drunk and do it!!' but more just - if you like a girl, try and go on a date that can have more of an intimate and romantic atmosphere.

    I say drinks for a second date. She is either going to turn you down, let you down gently (maybe I can fit you in two tuesdays from now, after I wash my hair and before I walk the dog), or go out with you again. Since it is only a second date, just get asking out of the way. You will know where you stand.

    This is called being gay. When it is just a friend - no nerves. When it is some random person you aren't into - no nerves. When you are into someone, even just a little - very nerve wracking. You can't make yourself less nervous, all you can do is learn to cope with the nerves. It's normal to want a cute girl to like you and to be anxious about if you made a good impression on a date. All you can do is try to keep the nerves in perspective.

    Congratulation, I am very happy for you. There are lots of good people here who can give you their opinions. Don't be shy about asking stuff, don't be shy about posting follow ups. Oh, and maybe you will make some good friends here.
     
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  4. carryyourheart

    carryyourheart New Member

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    Thanks so much! This all helps so much more than you know! Especially the bit re being new to it all.

    I don't have any lesbian friends (plenty of gay guy friends, but unfortunately not helpful with this lol).

    Had a bit of a horrible day today. I asked the girl out for second date drinks, and low and behold she said she had just started dating another girl just before seeing me, and didn't want to date 2 people at the same time (hence the weird distant responses). Which is honestly reasonable and I'm glad she told me....just bummed I suppose! I felt like we left it on good terms though (she said I was pretty? lol).

    Then in the afternoon, the girl I had organised Wednesday drinks cancelled on me cause she got sick....Keeping in all in perspective I suppose, this dating thing is tough! Trying not to crash and burn...

    Going to ask another girl out for second date drinks. She can only say no I suppose!
     
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Correct, it's just a second date. If it doesn't work, you haven't put in a huge investment. Dating can be a bit of a numbers game - you date lots of people before you find the one who clicks. That doesn't mean that you are doing anything wrong or that there is anything wrong with you. It is just how dating is.
     
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