So insecure that I can't have sex with anyone

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Buff, Jul 16, 2014.

  1. Buff

    Buff Member

    Jul 16, 2014
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    So this is the issue: I am 21 and very self conscious of my breasts, I think they are saggy, they have stretch marks and I really dislike them. I have identified as a lesbian since I was 18 but I have never had sex with a girl ! Or any other type of sexual encounters with girls, just kissing. My first time was with a guy friend about a year and a half ago, we were both very drunk and I don't even know how it happened, but I actually did not dislike it (and it didn't hurt that much tbh). The thing is, with guys I don't even care you know? Like what they think about my body or anything. But with girls I get so nervous.

    I've always been very self conscious, like my friends are always running around braless and they don't care, because they have small and nice breasts, unlike me. I wear a 34 C or D cup depending on the bra. It's been like 3 years since I actually started liking going to the beach, wearing a bikini and all (and the ironic thing is I am from the beach). I really want to have sex with girls, I am actually kind of dating someone, we've slept together and all (as in literally sleeping, cuddling) but I can't bring myself to do anything because I am so scared of the way she is going to look at me or react when I take my clothes off. I'm actually pretty cool with my body, I think I'm overall attractive and If you saw me at a bar you would not guess that I have this trouble with myself at all. I'm very social and outgoing. It's just I can't get over my fears and I don't know what I would do if she rejected me because of my breasts. I have even thought about surgery but I don't have the money and I don't think my parents would agree to do it.

    Am i crazy? Is this a really bad turn off? What should I do? :(

    I really needed to get this out. I don't even think I am a real lesbian because I've never had sex with a girl, but I know where my attraction is.
  2. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Re: So insecure that I can't have sex with an...

    I think you're being too self-conscious here. There's nothing wrong with having larger breasts - some people even find them a turn on!

    Is it a cultural thing? I'm Asian, and typically Asian women have smaller boobs. However, I actually wear a C or D cup depending on the bra as well. All of the girlfriends that I have had regardless of ethnicity, love my breasts.

    People can tell whether you're being open or more closed off, or even nervous. No offense, but I think you just need to get over yourself. You are deserving of good quality romantic love, no matter how you look.
  3. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

    Jan 25, 2014
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    Re: So insecure that I can't have sex with an...

    Please try to not worry about it so much. And keep this in mind, guys care much more about looks than women. There are plenty of women with small breasts who would love to trade with you. My woman, has small breasts... you might think she was Asian! ;) She just walked by as I typed this, and it was an opportunity to tell her I love her breasts and get flashed. :eek:

    The 2nd time we woke up together in my home, I noticed she would put on her bra or hide her boobies. It took many weeks to get her to be comfortable with ME seeing them all the time (Her past experiences were negative). I told her I would break up with her if she got a boob-job! Yes, she used to want new boobs until she meet me. Have some natural sag is not an issue... some stretch marks will form, normal. Different people like different things... what about you? What about the girl you are dating, do you like hers? Maybe she too thinks you may not like her.

    While you both are in bed... it is dark, she can't see much... neither can you. I've sampled all kinds of breast sizes and shapes... tiny ones, avg. size, over-sized, fake ones, etc. I like certain ones more than others, but I'll have fun with any. What I like, I have friends who don't... doesn't make it wrong.

    If you are dating and cuddling together (and she likes you)... give her a kiss, if you want. Kissing and cuddling is intimate.. and feels good. I kissed my girl (future wife) before I knew/remembered her name, it was amazing. That one kiss started a chain of events that lead to life-changing experiences. (Moments ago, she walked by... rubbing her hand along my back - I got goose bumps)
  4. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

    Aug 11, 2013
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    Re: So insecure that I can't have sex with an...

    I understand your problem. I was the same as you, still am to some degree. I couldn't have sex with girls because of some problems of mine. But in time, i worked on my confidence and tried not to care anymore. And guess what? I still care about those stuff, but none of the girls with who i had a relationship or just one night stands, none of them cared about my "problems". I put "" because we are the only one seeing them as problems. Believe me, if the girl is into you, she won't see what you see as being a problem. She will just take you as you are and love you and be attracted to you.
    Besides, nobody is flawless and maybe you are worrying about your issue while your girl is worried about some issue of hers that you don't even consider as being a problem. Everybody is having something that they are not confident with but i guess that's the beauty of having someone that loves you, the fact that the other loves you regardless of your flaws.

    What helped me a lot was just thinking that whoever wants me, will want me even if i have this issues. And i was i said, none of the girls i've been with cared about my issues. I mean, they understoond and respected what i felt, but none of them saw this as something problematic. So i'm 100% sure that your girlfriend will looooove your body and your breast.
    Also, another thing that helped me was telling them about my problem. So just talk to your girl and tell her you don't feel confident about your breasts and i'm sure you'll feel better about it and you'll also see that she will make sure you feel comfortable when you are with her.
  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Re: So insecure that I can't have sex with an...

    A couple of things:

    A) There is NOTHING wrong with your breasts. Sweetheart, I'm a 28 year old woman and I wear a 38F (in English sizing, which means my bras actually fit me, unlike American bras, but that's a whole 'nother discussion). Occasionally I feel self conscious because my breasts are large, and "droopy, saggy, stretch-marked" - as in, they are breast-shaped. My wife not only is not turned off by my imperfect breasts, she is turned on by them, and will poetize at length about all the things that I might be insecure about. Which leads me to,

    B) There's no knowing what your partner will find sexy - so don't do their thinking for them! I was terrified the first time I got naked with someone, and to my real shock they kissed and enjoyed all the places that I tried so hard to hide under my clothes. My wife almost daily celebrates something I would, based on my own fears, consider a flaw, and I love things about her that she worries about too.

    C) If someone rejects you because of your imperfect body, you reject them for their imperfect heart. No, but seriously, someone who can't love and accept and enjoy the person you actually are is not someone you want to have a relationship with. I

    But also, D) you don't have to take you bra off! Maybe you want to enjoy sex without uncovering your breasts, like in every movie ever - if it will make you more comfortable to explore sex with women without baring all, you get to do that. Your boundaries and needs are legitimate and fair, and a caring partner will respect that. If they don't, see (C) again.

    Finally, E) You don't have to have sex with a woman to be a lesbian. There are lesbian virgins and lesbian asexuals and lesbians who have only ever dated men. There is no test to pass and no official club card.

    Have fun!

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