So confused

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by u-45660000, Aug 15, 2015.

  1. u-45660000

    u-45660000 Member

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    I had posted a few months ago about my wife having sex with one if my coworkers and I was ok with it... Well found out she has been having an affair with another woman she met on okcupid... So I kicked her out of the house (I am the only one on the mortgage) and changed the locks in may.. She said she wanted a divorce (been together 4 years married for 1 year) and that "this isn't what she wants anymore..." Despite just buying a house last year and getting married last year...

    But here is my struggle.. She moved in with her affair partner but yet never filed... I finally did 2 weeks ago.. I texted her that I was on that Monday, then. She wanted to "talk" that day before even though she admitted she wanted to divorce.

    Then, that morning she shows up at my house at 730 on a workday and asked if we could talk and could we wait to file till she could help with the filing fee (but couldn't give me money for her part of the cell phone plan.. She got cut off last Friday) and left upset when I said I was filing and done.


    Then, she was served by sheriffs dept at her work Thursday and she shows up at my house AGAIN Friday morning at 9am with her gfs car and assumed I was "off work" and "I could get my things" when we had arranged for her to come today to get her stuff (yes she has stuff STILL even though I kicked her out in may).. But now she's "sick"....

    Also a month and a half ago wanted to text me good night and continue to talk daily with
    me while this is with this girl...

    Wtf??? She says she wants a divorce and is with this girl???

    I don't think a normal person who is done and wants a divorce just shows up..
     
    #1
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Why are you letting her "continue to talk daily with you?" These are your words. Moreover, you keep saying you are done, but your actions belie your words. If you're done with her, then act like it.

    Legal issues aside (marital property, et al. -- kicking her out of the house even though you're the only one on the mortgage might not be appropriate in some states...and as a lawyer, I have authority to speak on these things), you've got to decide how you move on from here. Trust is broken -- and you'll likely never get that back.

    You don't need her permission to file for a divorce. She's not your responsibility through this either. Stand on your own two feet and make a decision that's in YOUR best interests.

    As for whether this is normal? That's all relative. Some people would say that being ok with your wife having sex with a coworker isn't normal. Divorce can be traumatic...much like a death. She might not want to be with you but the finality of having a life you've tried to build together be over...isn't always easy to accept. No matter how bad a marriage is -- standing there when a judge makes the proclamation that it's legally over is, in my experience with clients, typically sad.
     
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  3. u-45660000

    u-45660000 Member

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    She wanted to talk daily. I am not talking daily to her.

    Your thoughts on the experience of a divorce is enlightening. Just trying to figure out her odd behavior. Just want to find a more stable trustworthy woman. The online dating scene is meh
     
    #3
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  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Take this time to focus on yourself. If you keep looking for someone, you're likely to settle for Ms. Right now instead of Ms. Right. It's okay to be selfish for a change -- and if you give your ex the opportunity to be in your life, she'll take it probably without any regard to how it affects you. Remember -- happiness comes from within, not from someone else.

    As for the divorce thing -- I've heard many say it really is like dealing with a death. You're going to need time to grieve, so take it. I don't practice family law much (it's way emotional), but in the cases where I've handled divorce -- I've only had one person be happy that it's over. Nobody goes into a relationship expecting it to fail -- and even at the end, people begin to remember the reasons they got into the relationship in the first place, which makes the actual divorce a bitter pill to swallow.
     
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  5. u-45660000

    u-45660000 Member

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    I am focusing on me- taking a meditation class, volunteering at local animal shelter, working out a lot getting healthy.

    I admit I have been on online dating sites.. Haven't gotten a date but just looking. I am 33 and I want children.. So I feel like I want to at least see what's out there.

    So you are saying stop looking all
    together?
     
    #5
  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I'm not saying to stop looking -- I'm saying to slow down. Smell the roses...enjoy the walks with the dogs at the animal shelter. When we are looking, we tend to see everyone through rose-colored glasses and, perhaps, even settle for less than we deserve. What I am saying is that finding a good relationship can be an amazing byproduct of being confident in who you are and doing your own thing. I guess what I'm saying is that some people I know put way too much pressure on themselves to meet someone -- when that's the focus, it almost becomes an obsession.

    I met my wife when I wasn't looking. I had gotten out of a relationship and then became selfish....I actually function really well as a single person. But, she and I became friends without any hint of anything more...and before I knew it...bam.

    It sounds like you've got a good take on things...so...keep on keeping on? ;)
     
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  7. u-45660000

    u-45660000 Member

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    Funny... That was my soon to be ex wife... Before we were even done she had my replacement and had been looking online.... Now she is with a woman with her lesbian roommate and their 4 foster kids (who is the roommates cousins) and her new girl is active on dating sites and has multiple garnishments in her check..
     
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Ahh. Now we are getting somewhere.

    You asked if someone who wanted a divorce would really just come over and try to talk to you.

    A normal person who wanted a divorce would not.

    But a controlling, narcissistic, manipulative person who wanted a divorce would. Because they see other people as something to use to meet their own needs. Be it a place to live, sex, and ego boost, a back up to the back up number in their little black book, or whatever...

    She doesn't want you back. She just wants you to still want / love her. And you filing for divorce is the ultimate "I do not want you anymore." So, of course, she is going to pull out all the stops to get you to want her again. She doesn't want to date you, she doesn't want to patch up your marriage, she doesn't want to ditch the many hookups and drama - but she wants to "own" you. She wants to still have some kind of power over you.

    Your marriage was a mess. She promised you all the things that you wanted, the sex was amazing, the passion was intense. And then she cheated on you a bunch of times, made you feel like you were in the wrong for wanting what you two talked about (marriage, house, kids, etc...). The passion was still intense, but now it was all the painful kinds of passion - jealousy, resentment, head games.

    Let us say, hypothetically, that she doesn't want a divorce. Let us say, hypothetically, that she wants to get back together with you. What would that be like? It would be pretty much like the past. An intense honeymoon period and then the roller coaster would drop - drama, cheating, head games, controlling, and lots and lots of pain. You might decide to get back on that roller coaster. You might get on and off it two or three or eleventy million more times. The highs would be shorter and shorter and the lows would be longer and lower and uglier. That is how these things go.

    So the question is not - what does she want. She wants you back on the crazy roller coaster that is how she uses people. And maybe all that means is keeping you just on the hook enough that you don't file the divorce papers.

    The question is - what do you want? Do you want the roller coaster? Or do you want to move on? If you want to move on, focusing on yourself is good. Go through with the divorce. Cut off contact with her, except through lawyers / the legal process. Don't worry about her phone bill, who her new gf is, etc... She is your ex - that is none of your business.

    But at some point you have to ask yourself "how did I wind up in such a screwed up relationship" "what red flags did I miss" "how did I not see her self centeredness and controlling behavior?" Not that this is your fault, but you got taking by a messed up person and you need to develop radar to spot messed up people.

    Because you liked something about her and something about the relationship. The intensity? The connection? And that something might draw you back to another hyper sexual controlling person. So you need to learn the red flags. So you can find someone who is intense, passionate and sexy - but not crazy, turbulent and controlling.

    And yes, once you have been on the roller coaster, dating a stable person can seem meh. Going on a bunch of dud dates until you find someone you like is meh. But that is online dating. Getting over a crazy gf is kinda like quitting drugs and taking up exercise instead. At first, you will really miss the highs. But over time you will adjust and won't need that super intense anymore. Long term, the not roller coaster is better for you.
     
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  9. u-45660000

    u-45660000 Member

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    Thank you for your insights. Yes she is self centered.. Always wanted things her way... When it was convenient she did nice things. I loved the connection.. And the love.. The dreams we had. We agreed on the major things- kids and house.. But as the years went on I just gave up more of me.. To the point of depression.

    Our sex life was amazing the first 2 years.. Then she didnt really want it anymore. We started fighting alot after her mom died if cancer 2 era ago...she became really selfish after that... Things went downhill. Now she is all about wanting "the feeling" of being "in love".... That is why she "... Went looking for a 'friend'".

    I sacrificed too much.. I overlooked too much... Because I "loved" her... And I lost myself in the process. I struggle with not feeling good enough... So I overcompensated... And for awhile she got why she wanted... 99% of the time
     
    #9
  10. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Your soon ex-wife is manipulating you into being her backup plan - financially, emotionally, whatever. People like her take advantage of whatever is offered, and so she just kept pushing the leeway you'd given her. Now that you put your foot down, kicked her out and asked for a divorce, she is continue to push in small ways: "oh, I don't have the money for the fees right now, I can't come get my stuff". In other words: "Continue to care for me. Continue to make allowances for me."

    If you want to regain control of your life, you have to stop asking why she is behaving the way she is behaving and enforce your boundaries. So, she won't get her stuff and is "sick?" (Hint: unpleasant tasks, like meeting up with an ex to exchange stuff, can make us literally physically ill.) Get a friend to help you box it up, put in the garage, and let her know you're giving her X weeks to come by before you donate it. Screen her calls, and let her know that from now on any communication will be through counsel or with counsel present; at the very least, document these interactions. When she shows up, ask her to leave, or leave yourself. If these tactics are unsuccessful, she will stop using them - or escalate to the point that her crazy is obvious. Either way, continuing to allow her to call the shots will leave you confused and in limbo.

    Five years with this woman, and your sense of "normal, kind, caring human behavior" is all out of whack. Those "meh" women online might be super lovely, in that they are functional communicators who wouldn't cheat on you with coworkers and might respect you if you decided to end a relationship with them. After something as emotionally manipulative as your marriage, that would seem pretty dull to me too - but hidden in dull is a whole host of delicious and subtle experiences that make up successful, safe partnerships. (Some of them might be legitimately "meh." But I would bet not 100%.) To see their loveliness, and to be able to choose partners who will be good for you, it's going to take some time to detox from your ex-wife, to reflect on the experience and what led you to its conclusion, to think back to the tells that might have let you get off the crazy train sooner if you'd noticed them.
    Your friends can help you with this, because chances are they have been going, "uh, how do we tell her?" for a while; so can a therapy, counseling, and a self-care practice like journaling.

    P.S. If you're not ready to date right now but want kids, please remember that you do not need to be partnered to have children. I have seen a LOT of my friends, and my kind of intense sister in law, get into less than ideal relationships when they perceive their "last chance" coming up. For my SIL, the relationship ending up being abusive and basically destroying her finances... and she straight up said early on that he was probably the last guy she was going to meet before her time was up, so oh well if he wasn't perfect. On the other hand, I have a beautiful, single friend, 38, who just had a baby on her own, and she is over the moon happy that she stopped waiting for her prince/ss charming. Putting that pressure on your relationship might lead you into another red-flag laden scenario, because your priority is not necessarily the health of your partnership but the corollary of starting a family.
     
    #10
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  11. u-45660000

    u-45660000 Member

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    Wow. Thank you for your very honest feedback. Looking back you are right.

    I am open dating, that is why I have joined POF and also okcupid and have been messaging a few women. Nothing has panned out. Interesting enough, the one I have really clicked with already has children and we both are just talking and getting to know each other. We are both wanting to take anything slow due to being in past drama. Good signs :)
     
    #11
  12. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    Start going out, join sports leagues or clubs and meet up groups. Take time for yourself by connecting or reconnecting with friends. Since you are still going through a divorce I recommend you focus on your friendships. From what i have learned, friends are incredibility important when going through struggles. If you have great friends and have fun getting back on your feet, independent and strong, then you won't put so much pressure on yourself for finding your next mate. Perhaps a friendship while partaking in an activity with your friends will blossom into a relationship.
     
    #12
  13. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    Were you married when you bought the house? If so, it doesn't matter if you're the one person on the mortgage, she's entitled to a percentage of the profit. You may have to sell the house or pay her what's due her at the time of the divorce. Lesbians aren't used to sharing the wealth and debt, but with marriage you can no longer kick out your spouse and take the money and run. You don't want to get involved with another woman until your divorce is final. It's going to be too difficult for another woman to go through that with you unless you already know her.
     
    #13

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