so confused PLEASE HELP

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by GeanD, Feb 5, 2014.

  1. GeanD

    GeanD Active Member

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    So just going to warn you that this might be long and confusing, that's why I'm asking for advice because I'm really confused, I've never been in a relationship, never really had friends, which is mainly my fault. I don't really trust people, so I don't allow myself to get too close to them, which sounds lame but I just can't help myself. So the reason why I'm asking for help is, because of how I am, I don't know how to read someone.
    So I've had this job for two years, and there I met someone that I'm confused about. This someone has been there the same amount of time, about six months in it came out that she was having an affair with a guy, who's married, and their relationship was abit rough the few months after it came out, for months he strung them both along, switching between the two, but now they have been in a relationship for about the last year. Their relationship is still a mess, I think they like to think they love each other and when they are all over each other at work it seems too much like they are trying to convince everyone around them because they are either all over each other or not talking, when they are arguing, everyone knows and that is a lot of the time.
    Anyway, the reason why this somebody confuses me is that when we fist met I didn't really talk to anyone, just kept to myself as usual, but during the first few months of working together she started talking to me and she got my number from the guy she was having an affair with, because me and him had known each other previously. And she started texting me, here and there at first, but then we would be texting each other almost everyday, even if we had seen each other at work, we'd sometimes talk until 3/4 in the morning, about anything, making each other laugh or just getting to know one another better. She tell me how amazing I was, that I always made her smile and how she'd never met anyone like me, and I'd tell the same back, because I had never met anyone like her and she always made me laugh, but I got the impression that she didn't believe me when I said it back because she always made a joke at how cold I come across.
    And it was good, I'd never had a friend who I could talk to for hours, or made the effort to get to know me outside of work. When it came out about the affair we got closer, talking more to each other, and I knew when I saw her at work that she was upset sometimes and I knew it was because of him, and she'd talk to me about it.
    One night she was at the bar where we worked, and I went out to see her after I had finished, and we were with some other people from work, and they had been drinking, and she became touchy feely with me, hugging me to her, stroking my back, and she was looking at me differently and at one point someone even said what's going on between you two, and we both said that we're just friends. A few weeks later a group of us went out again, and at one point she asked me why I liked her, and because I was put on the spot I just said because I do, and then she asked me "but why?" and again I just said because I do, and the answer didn't seem to satisfy her, and she went abit quiet and we all went home. I think that's when I noticed her change towards me, I don't know what happened, it was like we were friends one day and then the next its like she barely acknowledges me. That was like a year ago now, and the past year she barely acknowledges me, we don't speak as much, it seems only when it suits her at work and she never texts me anymore. It seems I was only good enough to talk to when she was going through a rough patch with the guy she's now in a farce of a relationship with. But whats even more confusing to me is that even though she is in this relationship now, and she barely acknowledges me is that when we are out socially with people from work, she'll become touchy feely with me again, on many occasions, she'll hug me or touch me, dance with me, and many times when she' hugging me she'll starting kissing my neck. And a couple of times when they're being in one of their moods with each other, she's kissed me on the cheek or hugged me really close in front of him, and you can see that he doesn't like it, he even called her a bitch the one time she done it.
    The biggest problem I'm having with this situation is that I was fine before I met her, didn't really care about anyone and she kind of brought me out of my shell, made me think that despite what I thought of people, there are some people who you can trust, and she was always saying that I could trust her and that she wished I confided in her more, but she then took that friendship away without even talking to me, she just turned cold, and by then I'd already gotten to like her and I miss her, I miss talking to her and how easy it was to be comfortable around her. I don't know where I stand with her, she's cold towards me at work, only talking to me when it seems to suit her, she's in this relationship but then still acts differently towards me when we are out socially, its messing with my mind that she can be all over him when we are at work, following him around like a little puppy and then be overly touchy with me when we are out, kissing me, hugging me, telling me she loves me. I just don't understand, does drink make you do that, because I've never got that urge to kiss one of my friends.
    So can someone please give me an insight to what might be going on, how am I supposed to read this situation, is this normal?. Am I being an idiot, do people treat each other like this all the time and I just didn't get the memo.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You are not being an idiot at all. Nice people do not treat people this way. Her behavior is inappropriate at best and immoral at worst with the guy at work. People sometimes fall in love with a person outside of marriage, I get it, but they are not even nice to each other and they are bringing their drama to work.

    I think you are a nice person and she gets that and she was using you as an emotional crutch and a foil. Here's what I am guessing: The guy was probably saying something about you being too close to her and so she decided to drop you and keep the guy. You then became her foil/jealousy bait for their drama du jour.

    You are a relationship virgin, and of course it feels nice to be needed and socialize with someone. She is messed up though and no matter what reason she has for treating you this way, you need to stay far away. Don't let her sink her teeth any deeper. There are nice people out there to have friendships and relationships with. Find an activity you like and just go out. Be polite to the idiot cheating couple at work and leave it all behind when you leave. Go be with other good eggs like yourself, I wish you the best. :)
     
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  3. GeanD

    GeanD Active Member

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    I just don't get how you can use someone like that, its messing with my head, its like she is completely oblivious to what she is doing to me, how she can justify treating someone like that. I don't get why you'd make the effort to talk to someone, get them to trust you, say all these things about caring, loving them to then just turn cold without no explanation and carry on a farce of a relationship with the guy you had an affair with but then still act a certain way with the person you had dropped every now and again. Its funny how the first time she kissed me whilst we were hugging was when they were in this so-called "official" relationship, and she has done it several times since that first time which was about a year ago. I don't understand, and to be truthful its messing with my head to the point that I just feel depressed all the time, I wasn't the most confident person to begin with and relationships just didn't seem like a realistic thought to hope for, but now I feel even more ridiculous and worthless and used because she made me feel and hope, and then its like I became nothing to the one person who made me feel like they cared for me. And its not like I can go up to her and say all this
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You can have her leave you alone next time she comes around. I don't know what she got out of it but a power trip from feeling wanted by you. I know it is hard to let go but you simply can't dwell on it and let her foul you up for a good relationship with someone else. She is the formula for what to avoid. You see somebody like her coming in the future, run.

    Not everyone had a fantastic first crush or romance in life. I am not sure I have met too many people with one. She is just a bad experience, don't let her take more time and energy from you than she already had.
     
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  5. GeanD

    GeanD Active Member

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    I know what you're saying is true, and I appreciate you taking the time to help. I haven't spoken to anyone about this whole situation and its been in my head for almost two years now, Its good to get an opinion from someone who isn't biased or won't judge, but its so frustrating not to have the answer to why?. And I actually hate her sometimes for what she has and is continuing to do to me. Its affecting me at work, everyone thinks I'm moody and temperamental and she even pulls me up on it sometimes as if she has done nothing wrong and just assumes I'm being stroppy, when its her who's messing with my head and like a bloody idiot its always me who ends up apologising.
    Thank you for your advice and taking the time to try and help, I do really appreciate it, I just think I need to get away from her to see clearly, I've even thought on many occasions of quitting my job, I just wish I'd never met her, its like you said, she is definitely someone to avoid. Thanks again.
     
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