So confused…..

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by bug15, Mar 5, 2015.

  1. bug15

    bug15 Member

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    Ok so me and this girl who I met on a dating website had been casual dating, it's been 4 months. The first two months was great and although it was suppose to be casual neither of us dated/kissed/slept with anyone else during that time. We always texted each day, always texted good morning, asked about each other's day, flirted and said goodnight. We had our ups and downs, she would want to end it because she wanted serious and then back tracked that she wanted casual so things were confusing from the start. She was a lot more keen than I was to make things serious, it definitely didn't sound like she wanted casual at times which I worried about. I was reluctant to go too fast because I was going on a 5 week trip and didn't want that pressure but promised that when I was back we would give it a serious go. She didn't like that idea but went with it. I didn't promise that I wouldn't kiss other girls which I admit was wrong and have apologised to her for that but I was always completely honest with her on where I stood with things.

    During my trip I was missing her, I told her so, we sent emails or Facebook msgs, it all felt good. I told her I had no intentions of kissing other girls or anything like that and again assured her we would give it a serious go, she didn't seem convinced. One day she sends me a msg saying she's been asked out on a date and wanted to know my thoughts. I told her I'd rather she didn't and would be upset but it was her choice. She said she wouldn't knowing how I felt. It annoyed me that she even had to consider it but I got over it. Later she admitted she didn't even want to date this girl, that it was a game to see my reaction!!! She kept having this opinion that I would be sleeping around with other girls while I was away even though I told her I wouldn't and I'm not really like that.

    When I returned home her mood changed instantly. She had been looking forward to seeing me up until the plane landed. Was hard to get any text conversation out of her but finally arranged a time to go see her. That night was great, or so I thought. She kept hinting about asking me to be her girlfriend. She was almost in tears when she begged me to never cheat on her. I promised her I wouldn't and that I really wanted make a go of it. Problem came with valentines day. I had arranged to go out with friends the second weekend I was back home before realising that weekend was valentines weekend. I had asked her if she wanted to do anything for it after I had made the plans because I would have cancelled them but she said she doesn't do valentines day. So I decided I'd go on out with my friends and asked her to come out with me to meet them, she said she would think about it. In hindsight that was the stupid choice and I regret it, I should have known better than to believe she didn't want to do anything. The days up to it she stopped texting me and ignored my last text. Night before valentines I texted a simple "hey". Didn't hear from her until the next morning. She wished me a happy v day and said she'll be going to her mothers. I was disappointed. Later that night when I was leaving to meet my friends she sends a long text saying she's worried about us and that she didn't feel a spark last Sunday etc. I was so upset and angry I just replied "end it then". Had a miserable night, stupidly went back on to the dating website I met her on, I think it was to get reassurance or some flirty chat, I dunno but it didn't help but I also didn't arrange any dates or anything. She never texted again until 2 days after her "no spark" text. She switched things around by accusing me of not feeling the spark and then had a go at me for going out on valentines day! She had it in her head that I still didn't want us to be serious and said nothing changed since I got home, and it was all her making the effort.....I was only home a week, only seen her once and it was her who stopped communication with me. During these breakup/makeup texts back and forth I seen on Facebook that a friend of hers (possible new friend because she never mentioned her before until I was home) wrote on her time line about her dog's sleeping habits, it was flirty and the only way this girl would know how annoying her dog is is if she was in her bed. Yes I got jealous but considering what was going on I couldn't help but wonder is this girl the reason she's acting like this. Anyway I didn't bring it up. I got her convinced that I did want her and she thought great that we were now on the same page but she wanted me to be more open about things. She also said that she's insecure about her body, she has an amazing body and I told her that.

    All was fine and she asked me to come to hers a couple of days later. We had also arranged for me to call her two nights before I was to see her but when it came to it she declined the call and then texted saying she was busy and has a lot of work to do....in the meantime being on Facebook….go figure. Days went on and the texting or any communication was bad on her part. She responded but didn't give anything back, no asking how I was. The day to go to hers came up, she cancelled late on because she was tired. I was annoyed, not only for the poor excuse but also because it was her first text to me that day, sent it in the evening and there was no hi how are you etc. Gave it a couple of hours, thought about things and sent her a text saying I was fed up with trying, that she's making no effort and has shown no interest in me since I got home, that it was bringing me down and that I deserve better than this and was done. She then texted saying she's in hospital, her dad who is ill took a bad turn that week and had been in hospital all week. I felt bad but how was I to know. I told her she should have told me all this before. She said she shuts people out because she's been let down by people in the past and doesn't want to be a burden. I told her that she should be able to confide in whoever she is with and if anyone found it to be a burden then they aren't worth being with. She said that was sweet and that I'll meet someone better. Texts went on but I was unclear what we were, thought when she said I'll find someone better that that was it for us. I told her more of my worries such as flirty fb post with her friend and the lack of attention she seemed to give me compared to this friend. She admitted the posts were full on but the girl is just a great friend of hers, said she would be lost without her lately and that I have nothing to worry about. I told her I was glad she has a friend to rely on and that I was here for her if she needed anything.

    Days went by again, still bad texting, I didn't bother making the effort anymore like she wasn't. I thought we were over so went back on to the dating website again. Didn't chat to anyone, ignored anyone who chatted to me. Decided to delete my profile because it wasn't helping me. She then texted same day to say she was going to call me that night and she was affectionate with her text which made me wonder were still together in her head. I then noticed she deleted me off Facebook before she was going to call, I texted to ask her about it, she said her fb was acting odd (little bit of b*llshit). I let that slide with her but in my head it was a worry, worried she found out I was back on the dating website, we all know someone on the site or that she was hiding something. I told her about being back on the website and she was so angry and annoyed. I also told her that I had wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend on valentines day....no idea why I had to say that but I panicked and let it all out…I mean she did want me to be more open lol! She waited until she calmed down and called me. I said to her that I thought we had ended, she didn't think so. Got things sorted, I told her that she needs to communicate more about what's going on and asked her not to be standoffish with me (she once demanded that of me too, hypocrite) but if she needed space she has to let me know. She asked me to see her a couple of days later. The run up to that day was much the same, nothing changed from our phone call. Still being distant and not texting so I kept my distance too. She also didn't add me back on her fb and ignored my friend request. I haven't asked her about it, I'll respect thats her own business.

    Anyway the day came. I asked if we were still on for tonight, she said she might have to go to her parents but would let me know in an hour. She never texted me back. So in my head I gave up, didn't text her again to see what was happening so I could only assume she went to her parents. I sent her a flirty text next morning to lighten the mood and test the waters, her reply was "what brought that on" :/ that evening I went shopping with a friend. She texted. I didn't reply. She texted again two hours later asking was I ok, now this coming from her who ignores my texts for days and takes a full day most times to get back to me if at all. Left it another hour. Told her I was busy with my friend, an excuse she would often use lately for not texting me. The next evening she was texting me, said she was going to the cinema, I told her I was going out with my friend from the previous evening, she asked who my friend was. I had told her about my friend before because she's from the same town as her mother, so it wasn't a game to get her jealous which she probably was. She sent me msgs later while I was out, probably worried I would be flirting or something with other girls. She told me in the texts that she misses me and was sorry for being rubbish. She then texted the next night asking was I going out again, I said no and she said she was. Wished her to have a good night and left her to it.
     
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  2. bug15

    bug15 Member

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    …..continued…..

    I texted the next day to ask how her night was, she sent me pics and told me about it. I then asked if I could see her that evening. She said yea should be fine but she has uni work to do. Making the excuse before she gets to use it, as always. I replied with why do I bother in a cheeky manner. She got defensive, said she preferred us being casual because I was less demanding, for starters this whole thing from the start has been her taking the lead and deciding when to meet, I've never been that demanding even now although it is taking the piss that she's constantly letting me down :/ I got defensive saying I've only seen her once since I got home which was almost 4 weeks ago now. Asked her if she wanted to go casual. She said she likes me but doesn't like pressure and doesn't have time for serious atm. The pressure thing threw me because she wanted me to be more serious, to take the lead, to be more interested and to basically chase her! Anyway I said I was sorry that I just can't figure her out. She said she wished I had been like this before I went away on my trip when her heart was in it and said that she got fed up when I was away and isn't over that. I don't understand that because she was consistently insisting when I was away that we would be going serious, had already referred to us as a relationship, had been sending sweet msgs and talking about where we could travel to together etc. Also there was no sign at all that last night we were together that she was fed up or her heart wasn't in it. I said to her that she seemed so into me that night and asked what the whole I miss you text was about two nights previous. She said that she is into me (contradicting herself) and she does miss me but doesn't have time for serious. So we agreed to go casual until she has stuff out of the way. Asked her if she was looking to date other girls, she said she wouldn't have time to. She said I could date other girls if I wanted to ":/" I told her no but if things don't get better with us I might. She says she understands. Later she texts as expected, she doesn't have her uni work done. I said that's ok. I then asked her about a trip we are suppose to be going on next week. Took her until the following evening to reply. She said she isn't sure because of this event she's running which is a week after the trip, this sounds really odd to me, either she hasn't really booked this trip or she's taking someone else :/ also again there wasn't even a hello in her blunt text!

    I haven't texted back, she hasn't texted since. That was three days ago. I'm am a laid back person but this just confuses me and frustrates me so much. I do what she asked of me and she just goes the opposite!! It's always been like that. I'd always be in the wrong for something, always my fault. She's either playing games to keep her options open, or seeing someone else, or is so insecure that I'll cheat on/hurt her that she's trying to mess it up and get me to end it. She can't say to me that she likes me misses me sorry for being rubbish and then not make the effort! She could genuinely be busy and I am leaving her to it but there is a lot that just doesn't add up and it doesn't take a lot of time to send a good morning or goodnight text. I would have been willing to just be her friend at this point but she's been so dishonest with me and disrespectful I don't think I can be friends with someone like that. I actually thought she was a better person than all this :/

    Sorry this was so long. Any thoughts? Should I just keep my distance and consider dating other girls? I know the whole score…..no contact, act distant too, and work on yourself jazz but its so confusing when she says one thing but acts like another. Sooooo confused and frustrated! I do like her but I'm getting fed up and preparing myself to leave the situation :/
     
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    1) You didn't need to write War and Peace here. We did not need the play by play of every Facebook post.

    2) Things are over with you guys, probably for the better. Move on.

    3) She is immature. She will say one thing (V day is no big deal) and actually wants another. She also 'tests' you- talking about other girls to make you jealous.

    4) You aren't very mature, either. Going on the dating website to get a little ego boost, stalking her FB, etc...

    5) Even if you hadn't gone on the trip, you guys' issues (her testing, your needing ego boosts) would have unraveled you guys, anyhow.

    6) Move on. If you just want casual, stick to your guns and stay casual. If you like playing the field, making out with multiple girls, getting flirty on dating sites - do it and don't back down from it. There is nothing wrong with casual, as long as everyone is honest about it (and safe). Casual can be a normal 'phase' or 'stage' in life. You get a sense of what you like, experiment a lot, but don't get into something that requires a lot of commitment.

    It's hard to have both at once- a girl who wants to move quickly to serious, when you like the unattached life. Don't kid yourself that you are ready for serious when you clearly aren't (not judging, just being realistic). And don't let someone pressure you into it, when it isn't right for you.

    7) She's probably hooking up with flirty FB posts girl. Or will be soon. Let her deal with the drama. Move on.

    Good luck.
     
    #3
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  4. bug15

    bug15 Member

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    1. i didn't give the play of play of every Facebook post. There was one very flirty post that came up on my newsfeed between the two, and I thought it was strange she said she didn't delete me but never added me again - in other words she's lying or hiding something. Like I said its her business now.

    2. ok

    3. ok

    4. I admitted my wrong doing with the dating site, you don't have to tell me I'm immature I know it was stupid like I stated. The first time it wasn't an ego boost, it was me being upset and angry, fuelled by drink! The second was when i thought it was over. I did not stalk her on Facebook. Things show up on peoples news feeds. The way I found out she wasn't on my Facebook was that I was sending her a photo of my nieces christening through it and she wasn't there.

    5. I don't need ego boosts. You don't know me, I'm an incredibly shy girl, not cocky, not a player so don't you dare judge me like that!!

    6. I don't like the unattached life. I like her a lot. I wanted to be in a relationship with her. I wanted slow to get to know her better and I was worried about being away that long. I certainly didn't want to f**k all round me when I was away, that wasn't the reason I wouldn't commit. But I missed her lots when I was away and I was ready for the relationship.

    7. :/

    Thanks
     
    #4
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  5. bug15

    bug15 Member

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    Ps I know I went overboard with my first post. sorry if that offended you or anyone else. Just trying to explain the situation and see if anyone can advise :/
     
    #5
  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I'm going to take a different stance than @Bluenote here...because just something about this situation hits home with me.

    This whole push/pull thing is something I've experienced before....and was left in a similar situation like you wondering just WTF happened. She pursued me...wanted a serious relationship..wanted me to move in with her...cried...accused me of cheating (I didn't)..

    Well, to make a long story short...she was projecting a lot of what she was doing, her own insecurities right onto me (including the fact that she was never exclusive with me although she expected me to be in an exclusive relationship with her). She'd start fights out of left field, like bizarro fights (she got mad at me when I didn't exactly come out and give her an inventory of all my friends when one happened to be a major league baseball player and he happened to call one night while she was there...and no, there was nothing between me and him..we were genuinely good friends...funny, she never got mad when other friends called)....said she needed time apart...then turn on a dime and want to be serious again. I never pressured...and she was the one who pursued me. It's definitely a mindfuck. I'm over simplifying through hindsight because a lot of this stuff I didn't actually see while it was happening...and I'm usually pretty perceptive...but I was blinded b/c I thought I was in love...and well, she was that convincing.

    After things ultimately ended (which was horrible beyond horrible in how she did it...she already had someone else), I found out the truth about EVERYTHING...how she painted a picture of what she wanted, strung me along, told me enough to keep me close but was still doing what she wanted to do (we were long distance, though seeing each other several weekends a month at least)....

    So, my point is this....you're probably not going crazy and you're probably not doing anything wrong. Intentionally or not, she's creating a toxic environment for you...almost like she wants you when she wants you but when she doesn't want you she doesn't want to let you go either. When we'd be on a break...that she wanted...she'd find every way to call or get in my life at the precise moment when I would try to date someone else. She's clearly got issues...so you need to figure out whether you want to continue on this roller coaster with her. I should also add...although I don't condone it..I get needing the ego boost. In my case, her psychological games left me questioning what was wrong with me...when there wasn't anything wrong at all.

    Anecdotally...that same ex...she's been through 5 or 6 relationships since we broke up because she's proven her issues time and time and time again...(I joke that her relationships have a 2 year cycle at best) looking back, I dodged a huge bullet with her.
     
    #6
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2015
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  7. bug15

    bug15 Member

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    Thanks spygirl. Yea its definitely a mind fuck thats happening. She sounds very familiar to you ex, playing games and starting fights out of nothing. When I think about the good things I think its worth waiting for her to get over whatever she's going through but in truth she is putting me in a bad place right now. I know I have to let it go :/
     
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  8. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    @bug15 ...my ex started a fight b/c my friend, who happened to be a baseball player, called my house. Like seriously? She started a fight once because I made a comment about a certain actress being hot. We were out at a club one night and she didn't like that I ran into a friend who happened to be dressed up (she was coming from a theatre production and hello..only lesbian bar in town..it's not like we planned to run into each other that night...but she inferred that my friend was dressed up to see me....like really out of left field crap). She'd also promise me the sun, moon, and stars...invited me to move to a different state and live with her..so much so that I was interviewing for jobs all the while she never really wanted it.

    Hang in there...there will come a point where you say "enough is enough."
     
    #8
  9. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

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    Bug I definitely think you should avoid this girl like the plague... Dodge the bullet so to speak. At the same time... Coming to know in your mind what's right for you and doing it is easier said than done. Your own feelings and closeness to the situation often make these kind relationships last a lot longer than they should. My advice,.. Distance yourself for a month or so... Keep busy, meet new people... If she texts keep your answers neutral but friendly to avoid any more drama, try to avoid seeing her during that period so you can have as much a break from the situation as you can. And then assess with yourself what your new thoughts are after that time period.
     
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  10. bug15

    bug15 Member

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    @Spygirl…she sounded like hard work :/ i guess like you said you were blinded, perhaps thats like me right now and just hoping for the best. Its hard to know if she's being insecure or just doesn't want me. I'd like to think she would be honest. Time will tell!
     
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  11. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    I don't even need to read all this to tell you it's a hot mess... I got up to the valentienes day drama and decided that's enough of a head trip.

    Drop this chick and ignore her like the plague!
     
    #11
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  12. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    1) If you wanted to portray certain things - 'I'm shy,' 'I'm ready to settle down,' you should have said so in your opost. You can't blame the reader for being confused if you leave stuff out.

    4) You make a lot of excuses for your behavior. 'I was drunk, I was mad, etc...'

    If you really are ready for a serious relationship, you don't get to make those kind of excuses.

    "Sorry I snapchated tit pics with some random honey, I was drunk and stressed from work.' Her response will likely be 'sorry I burned all your stuff in the front yard, oops, I was just pmsing.'

    5) To me, giving advice involves some level of making judgments and saying things that might be hard to hear. I've said this pretty consistently. Take my advice or leave it, but spare me the histrionics. 'omg, how dare you, blah, blah...'

    I'm not here to spray rainbows and puppies, give everyone a gold star for showing up. It's better to hear this from me, than to have another relationship get messed up.

    6) You said you wanted to be serious with her, but you also wanted to be single on your trip (you talked about wanting to kiss girls) and wanted to get a little on the dating site.

    So your actions contradict what you are saying about wanting to be serious.

    7) I'm guessing she is working up to banging FB girl. You're better off without this head trip drama girl. Learn your lessons and go find someone less high maintenance.

    Good luck.
     
    #12
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  13. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    If I had this advice when I was 27, I would've avoided the waste of time that was the doomed relationship of which I spoke. And, saved myself a lot of heartache in the process.
     
    #13
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  14. bug15

    bug15 Member

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    Omg you are harsh lol!

    4. I thought things were looking good for us, it was a shock what she said to me! I know myself it was stupid and I'll learn from that. There is a big difference in what she said to me that night and pmsing or pressure from work though.

    6. At the start I didn't want to make promises to her, e.g. no kissing girls which she requested. I told her I wanted to take things slow to get to know her hence no promises. I had no intentions of seeking other girls on my travels. I didn't want the pressure as this was still new, still getting to know each other and I was going away at the early stages of this starting up. I don't know about you but I'm not one to jump into a serious relationship after a month or two. I was growing to like her more and more, even when i was away from her and we could only chat online it made me happy, thats why my attitude changed and I wanted to be with her.

    7. Its a horrible thought that that could be true.

    Thanks, might be a kick up the ass I need lol
     
    #14
  15. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    6) She sounds like a drama queen. If she was pressuring you that much, that early - it's a red flag.

    My wife and I clicked really early, but we talked about it without pressuring each other. I'd been through a bad divorce and she was supportive of my need to go slow.

    I don't think you guys would have work anyhow, given her drama queen-ness.

    Learn your lessons from this (how to spot red flags, how to spot a drama queen, 90% of girls like a v-day date, etc...) and move on.

    8) You've taking your 'ass kicking' like a woman. Kudos to you for that.

    I do think there is someone out there for you. Someone who is less of a mess than this girl.

    Good luck.
     
    #15
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  16. bug15

    bug15 Member

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    You are wise. I think at first I was hoping for someone here to say don't give up lol. Thanks
     
    #16
  17. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    We'd tell you not to give up if that is the case. It sounds to me both of you are not ready for a relationship. You'll know when you are ready and you'll know when you find that someone you will be willing to put in the hard work to make the relationship work because you know it's all worth it. She doesn't sound like she's worth all that. Goodluck!
     
    #17
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  18. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    I absolutely agree with @Spygirl ! I'm going to say most people hear over, say 25, have been in this situation at one stage in life. There always seems to be a mindfuck and/or game player in a relationship resume :/ If someone had told me straight to the point i might of ended things way earlier than i did. Thankfully that was many years ago and one of the things i'd never put up with again is games and bullshit.

    Yes the post was long, maybe too long,but when you have to get everything off of your chest sometimes more comes out than expected. When you need to vent, you need to vent.

    Going on the dating website wasnt the best idea no. But maybe you should look at it as the fact maybe deep down you want someone else and not her.

    And to be honest, if you keep going with this relationship and the same thing keeps happening ( which most likely will), you also put your friend's in a really awkward position. Being with someone like that, your friend's either can't say anything or if they are honest, we'll ive seen a few peoples friendships crumble for pointing out their friend's crazy girlfriends flaws. So one of the best things about this website is to actually get some clear, good advice from people who don't know you so personal feelings don't get in the way.
     
    #18
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  19. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    *here not hear. As always, my fight with autocorrect continues
     
    #19
  20. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    When you win that fight, can you let me know how you did it? Autocorrect and I hate each other.
     
    #20

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