Sisters are the worst.

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by surrendertotheblender, Feb 17, 2015.

  1. surrendertotheblender

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2015
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sages of AfterEllen, I need your help! I'm at my bloody wits end and have no idea what to do :-/

    I've been with the same wonderful woman since I was 18, and we've now been happily married for 2 years. My family and I haven't spoken since I moved out of home, however I kept in touch with my sister regardless - she was even a part of my wedding.

    My sister - let's call her Louise to make things a bit easier - has always been a bit funny around my wife (who we'll call Sandy). Sandy often feels uncomfortable around her as she notices Louise...well, staring at her, to be honest. It's quite clear she fancies her. Not only that, but Louise hasn't had very much luck with women and tends to end up unhappy, so I wonder if she might be a bit jealous of what we have.

    This all reached a bit of a head when we visited her for a weekend about a year ago. We'd all been out for quite a few drinks and she came back to our hotel with us; as the bed was big enough, Sandy and I let her sleep in the bed rather than on the floor. Throughout the night, we'd been playing pool and Louise had been quite physical teaching my wife to play, literally coming up behind her and controlling her arms - something I let go at the time.

    We woke up the next morning and my sister was being miserable as anything. Once she'd gone, Sandy said to me that her and my sister had woken up at around the same time (I was fast asleep), and Louise had given her kind of a weird look, then took her hand in quite a slow, deliberate, almost romantic way which made her feel seriously uncomfortable.

    Needless to say, I was absolutely fuming. I didn't speak to my sister for the rest of the weekend, and haven't spoken to her since - despite her trying to get in touch with me several times. To make things even more complicated, my wife hasn't had the easiest life and people have tried to take advantage of her in the past, which has left her feeling extremely vulnerable. On top of that still, my family has a totally irrational hatred for my wife, so although I believe and trust her entirely, she doesn't feel like what she's saying would ever be taken seriously. She wants me to somehow explain why I'm not talking to her without explaining her part in this, which I have been trying to figure out how to do for a long time without success.

    Has anyone been through something similar, or knows someone who has? I really have no idea what to do so any and all advice is appreciated :)
     
    #1
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    You need to:

    1. Figure out if your wife is being completely honest about the situation, looks, attempts at touching. I'm not saying doubt her but I'm saying you need to verify the situation from an objective point of view. Many times what one of us interprets as a weird look can be interpreted differently. However, things like the pool playing, etc. seem to corroborate your wife's version of events.

    2. Talk to your sister. Honesty is everything -- but the delivery is how you get around sounding like a bitch. Just tell her that you feel like she's not respecting boundaries. She's also disrespecting both you and your wife by putting you in an uncomfortable position. Tell her that you're happy and thankful to have her in your lives and want to continue to have a strong relationship, that you'll continue to love and support her, but for that to work she needs to respect your marriage as well.

    I'm assuming by what you've written your sister is gay (you don't really come out and say it).
     
    #2
    rac and Bluenote like this.
  3. surrendertotheblender

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2015
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    She is gay, yep - should have made that clear!

    Thanks for replying :) The main issues I have with telling her are:

    1. She'll almost definitely deny anything happened. Lying is always easier for her than telling the truth.
    2. I have no idea how to deal with her denial without getting really angry. And I am really angry about this.

    I just know that ignoring her isn't going to make this go away, unfortunately. I'd like to have her back in my life, but only when she grows up and starts treating both me and my wife with some respect...
     
    #3
  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    Then if she denies what happened...state that, it isn't about what did or didn't happen..but you and your wife's perception about the situation. Put it on you -- more so than her. Tell her how the both of you are interpreting her actions, looks, moods, etc. Right or wrong...it's very real to you and your wife and changes need to be made.

    I know you're angry -- and you have every right to be. But right now you have to play with a little psychology. I am a firm believer in the adage that "you catch more bees with honey rather than vinegar." The point is, denial or not..she knows the truth. She's going to have to make a choice -- either respect your boundaries and continue a relationship with you, or she's going to lose your presence in her life.

    You can mitigate the emotional fallout and potential demonizing of her by the way you approach the situation. Your wife also needs to call her out if things do happen....i.e. the hand touching thing.
     
    #4
    Nancy, greylin and rac like this.
  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    Personally, I'd rip her a new asshole. She's trying to seduce your wife. Not cool and doubly not cool as she is your sister.

    Sex can be a primal thing and sometimes the only thing that gets through is a primal response. "Keep your dirty hands off my wife, or you will get your ass kicked."

    Personally, I nip that shit in the bud. Though usually I'm the one being hit on, not my wife. (And my gay sister is super cool). But I respond with a swift turn down.

    If it was me - I'd call her and tell her I was pissed about all the staring / touching / flirting with my wife. If she denies it that works fine for you 'oh, you're not into Susan. Good, then no problem keeping your hands off her.'

    Then get together in 'safe' situations. (not too much drinking, no family sleepovers, no touchy feely situations).

    Your sister can't change her feelings- you can't wish crushes away. But she can change her actions - trying not to flirt, not being touchy with your wife, etc... And a good verbal ass kicking will motivate her in that direction.
     
    #5
    greylin and rac like this.
  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    I really have no advice other than that you need to just claim your wife and not allow your sister anywhere near her for a long long time.

    Your wife I am sure has her own mind and I guess you are probably relying on her to say something at the time when something is up but a person can be quite paralyzed when something inappropriate happens. Certainly I don't blame you and Sandy for Louise's behavior but the whole evening and the sleeping arrangements was quite odd. It is not the best of ideas to share a bed with your gay sister who is crushing on your wife. Did your sister actually reached over your sleeping self to hold Sandy's hand or was she actually lying down next to Sandy the whole night?

    Granted I might not have handled things better when confronted with the situation and might even have my sister bed down with us, but it would have been awfully hard for her to do anything to my wife with a pool cue up her behind.
     
    #6
    rac and Bluenote like this.
  7. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2013
    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    168
    You need to have a serious talk with your sister. Don't allow her to get away with what she is obviously doing - hitting on your wife. That is not ok. You need to tell her that she is being disrespectful of you and your marriage. Use a pair of straight siblings you know as examples. Ask if she thinks it would be ok for Sister sibling A to hit on Sister sibling B's husband. She'll probably say, "hell no." Then ask why she thinks it's ok for her to hit on your wife. Often people will dismiss a gay couple in a way they wouldn't a straight couple. Usually it's not another gay person, but that's what it appears to be in your case.

    If you sister can't be around you and your wife without flirting with her, you just need to stop seeing her. Do not take your sister's side over this. Your wife needs to know that you are behind her 100%.

    Don't ever allow your sister to sleep in the same room as you and your wife again. Using the same example, if you both were straight, would you have allowed her to sleep in the same bed as your husband?
     
    #7
    greylin likes this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice