Signs It's Time To Go...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by CoffeeLipstick, Jun 21, 2018.

  1. CoffeeLipstick

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2018
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    4
    Hello, I'm new. New at dating women. New on the blog.
    I met my now GF three years ago. It was attraction at first sight. It was amazing. It was fun. It was exciting. I couldn't wait to see her! Now I can't wait to be alone. Oh, did I tell I say tell you we live together? Yes and it'd been down hill ever since. All we do is argue. Like BIG arguments but everytime I suggest we breakup she threatens suicide. I feel very angry and manipulated. What should I do?
     
    #1
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    You are being manipulated. Threatening suicide to keep you from breaking up is incredibly manipulative, and that's a really tough situation to be in.

    But... You need to break up with her anyway. Get in touch with friends/family who can help you move out and find a place to stay; if you have mutual friends you trust, you can let them know about the suicide threats and ask them to be there for your girlfriend during the transition.

    Honestly, I would make a plan to move out - finding a place to stay, planning the move, disentangling any finance, etc etc - and let her know about it with a short lead time. "GF, I am ending our relationship. I have loved being your partner, but our relationship is no longer working for me. I will be moving out [on X date] and can contribute towards rent for [X months] to make this transition a little easier." And then leave. If you don't think that will be possible, do this over text or in writing or on the phone.

    If she threatens suicide, do not agree to stay together. Call 911 (or another crisis hotline, or her parents, or whatever resource you trust to take care of her). If she is seriously planning on hurting herself, she needs professional support and to be someplace safe. If she is not seriously planning on it, but is saying it to consciously manipulate you, she needs to understand how serious that is and what the ramifications of that will be. And if, god forbid, she does harm herself: it is 0% your fault or responsibility.

    Since I am sure these threats and manipulations will escalate when you set the boundary, I would also consider blocking her number/email/fb/whatever, after reaching out to someone you trust to check in on her. Maybe don't tell her where you will be staying - to discourage her from showing up and trying to wheedle/exhaust you into staying together. Because the thing is, it's not a debate. It's not a discussion. Ending a relationship does not require unanimous consent, and it very much sounds like you need your relationship to end.

    I know this sounds kind of extreme, but someone who will threaten self-harm in order to keep you entangled with her - that is not someone who respects your autonomy and wants your happiness, and you should center your own care in your plan. She's holding herself hostage to get you to comply, and she doesn't care if you are unhappy or want to leave or argue all the time as long as she gets what she wants. In an ideal world, you would discuss your breakup and do it in person and comfort each other and disentangle your lives amicably, but this is not that world.
     
    #2
    Spygirl and greylin like this.
  3. CoffeeLipstick

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2018
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    4
    Thank you so much. I needed some confirmation about this situation.
    There has been times I haved packed my bags and she literally blocks the doors and starts a physical altercation. She has been getting very physical lately.
    I've just got to the point where our finances are no longer together.
    I do believe when I leave, I'm going to have to do it quietly because I can no longer take the violence and manipulation.
    I'm currently looking for another place to live. Until then I just try to keep the peace.
    That's why I stated earlier in another thread someone saying they love you 20 times a day does not mean "they love you". Love is an action word. There are so many reasons a person would do that.
    ...and you are so right about the "not caring if I'm happy or not". I personally don't like arguing but if I'm quiet she yells and screams until I have to speak up. As long as she gets her way. Then like any abuser apologies the next day and says "I'll never do it again". If I leave for air she literally calls my phone back to back to back. It's actually scary.
     
    #3
  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    Wow. Yes. I am so glad that you are going to get out of there.

    That information changes my advice just a little. Do not tell her ahead of time that you are moving out - plan your exit and get your friends to help you move out quickly, while she is at work or elsewhere. Send her a note or email, and block her immediately so she can't argue with your decision.

    I also absolutely promise that if you reach out to friends for help - even friends you've lost touch with because of your involvement with GF - they will be there in an instant. They may not know what's going on, but they are probably very worried about you (or would be if any of this abuse and manipulation was visible). When my friend was in an unhappy, abusive relationship, I literally had a budget for how much I could offer her the second she realized that she had to leave.

    If you need someone with more experience in this, there are really great resources to help you plan a safe exit. My previously mentioned friend used Safe Passage (located in Northampton, MA) to help her end her relationship and recover emotionally. I don't know where you are located, but they offer online and phone counseling, are super queer-friendly, and can probably refer you to someone in your area for in-person help. Website: https://safepass.org/
     
    #4
  5. CoffeeLipstick

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2018
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    4
     
    #5
  6. CoffeeLipstick

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2018
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    4
    Thank you so much. Just knowing there is help out there makes me feel better. I'll definitely be contacting Safe Passage.
     
    #6
  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    This is abuse -- psychological and manipulative abuse.

    I cannot offer anything more than what @lorienczhiu stated because she summed it up pretty well.

    I just wanted to add, however that you also need to be prepared for what happens after you're gone. Your goal is to stay safe and leave without further escalation and harm. Expect the drama to continue for awhile after you do leave because misery loves company and people like this want to bring you to their level -- I've seen it happen. Anger may cause her to lash out at you. So, you may want to block numbers, refrain from communication, etc. Make sure she does not know where you are. If your state has peace/protective orders, you may want to know how to get one if it becomes necessary.

    I've also seen people like this promise the sun, moon, and stars and pretend to change -- but it's a cycle of violence. You may find her saying whatever she can to try to get you back....don't fall for it. Words are just words, but without anything behind them....well, you'll end up in the same situation.

    Be strong...that you've posted here is your first step. You'll get through this.
     
    #7
    greylin and CoffeeLipstick like this.
  8. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    Absolutely. You also need to let your network know that GF (soon to be ex-GF - actually, let's just call her that already because you have broken up with her but she is holding you hostage) will try to find out where you are/get your contact info, and that it is not okay to share that information. If you are comfortable disclosing the abuse, that will help people understand your reasoning.

    My friend used a script that sounded like this (posted on fb, but could be emailed/texted) : "Hello all, I want to let you know that I have ended an abusive relationship with ex-GF. She has a history of physically blocking my exit and escalating to violence, and it would make me feel a lot safer if she did not know where I was. Please do not share my contact information or locations I will be at. If we do end up at the same place, please do not leave me alone with her. Thank you!"

    Depending on your work situation, you may also need to notify your workplace or have a plan in place for what you will do if she shows there.

    This is hard, but it is absolutely necessary. Please check in as often as you need for support and/or hugs. And know that it is okay to lie to her right now, because she has proven she is not a safe person to be honest with. Sometimes, you have to lie to keep yourself safe, and sometimes you cannot give people the whole truth (ie, having a breakup conversation or sharing your reasons) or do it in person.
     
    #8
    Spygirl, greylin and CoffeeLipstick like this.
  9. CoffeeLipstick

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2018
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    4
     
    #9
  10. CoffeeLipstick

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2018
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    4
    Thank you so much spygirl! Your input definitely helps and makes me feel supported! I'll definitely keep everyone updated on my situation and status.
     
    #10
    lorienczhiu, Spygirl and greylin like this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice