should i walk away?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Gentry, Dec 9, 2014.

  1. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    I met this girl 8 months ago. We work in the same place (romantic relationships are okay in our company culture). I am so into her but I thought I wouldn't have a chance because:
    1.) She's drop dead gorgeous. 2.) I'm a dork. 3.) She had a boyfriend. 4.) He was her first love. 5.) I'm a dork.

    And 2 months ago she broke up with her boyfriend. Because she fell out of love and she said she was starting to fall inlove with me. I guess satan has something to do with this. Or santa. So we started courting, she was so affectionate even in public considering this was her first time with a woman. She's really brave despite the fact that she's a very quiet girl. What we had was beautiful and exciting. It was like a dream.

    But here comes the problem, recently, she was blaming herself for hurting her previous boyfriend and told me she doesn't want to rush things with me because of this. I completely understand that so I backed off from trying to have a relationship with her. She blows hot and cold from time to time. One day, she's all over me, the next day she's too busy with Vampire Diaries. She also said she's given everything to me and that our relationship is one sided. Meaning she's always on the giving end. So she decided not to let me kiss her (and stuff) and doesn't respond when I am being affectionate with her.

    I want to understand her but I am starting to feel worthless and rejected around her. Do you think she really loves me? Should I walk away?

    Thanks in advance!
     
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    Last edited: Dec 9, 2014
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Based on what you just posted, I wouldn't walk away. You guys had a spat is all. Do work on your own self image and know that you are beautiful and you are her equal. From that vantage point, you ask her what she is lacking because you want to be an equal partner. Bring flowers and kiss her hand.
     
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  3. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    I guess history proved you wrong and you actually had (and still have) a chance with this girl.

    It is understandable why she wants to take things easy with you. However, easy doesn't mean "go away and don't talk to me". If you think about it from her perspective, you gave her hot and cold before she did. You backed off, and that can be confusing.

    Stay, keep courting her, show her that you actually care and will be there for her always. Perseverance pays. Invited her to go out, complement her. Flowers and kiss are also good, like @greylin said. You can plan a date, something simple to spend some time with her.

    Good luck
     
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  4. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    Hi! Thanks for the response!

    @greylin Yeah. I think I do have a low self esteem. Even if people compliment me, I just couldn't believe them. She doesn't allow me to kiss her hand toooo. She wants me to tell her about my previous relationships even their names which I am not comfortable to talk about yet.

    @Coffee Addict I admit that I'm getting impatient with her. I get discouraged when she doesn't respond to my affections. I feel like she wants me to do more for her, to woo her. Like I am expected to play the "masculine" role in this relationship. She acted this way when things between us were getting serious and I wasn't as open as she was to me. I am starting to think that maybe all the feelings she had for me was already fading away. :C
     
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  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    It sounds that she wants you to open up and talk to her about how you're feeling. From what you've said, you're willing to show her how you feel with your actions but her shutting that down would suggest that she'd like you to talk about your feelings. Obviously this is worrying for you and you mustn't expect the worst from her. You two need to sit down and have a frank and honest discussion about how you're both feeling. It's ok to have worries and concerns about where the relationship is going but what weakens a relationship is not sharing. Talk to each other and be honest about your feelings.
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi Gentry:

    Your self-esteem is a big thing where everything hinge off of. You can't have someone love you a certain way when you don't think you deserve it. Because if you have such prejudice against yourself, when your partner is acting perfectly, you will have the internal struggle and argument against whether you deserve it or not; and, when your partner is acting not so perfectly, you will have the internal struggle and argument against whether you deserve it or not. No one can win against such thinking and the people who are losing are yourself and whoever your partner you end up with.

    Let her go because you really just want to let her go. Don't let her go because you think you are not good enough for this and that big screaming voice that shuts you down time and time again and predicts that you don't deserve bigger and better things and saying see, see, I knew it. Listen to that gentle voice that knows you the best and tells you you are okay and should reach for things that are good, enjoyable and affirming and simply reject things that are not.

    That being said, let's go into a little more minutia of whether she is being fair towards you. It is never fair to ask a partner to do something she is not comfortable with. She can't ask you for an accounting of your past if you have already said, "no". She can't make you act in a certain romantic role you are not comfortable with. That said, I will attempt to try to explain where she is coming from. She is on the rebound and has some baggage to deal with. She picked you probably because she can see that you are nice and caring and she idealized that you will be that grand romantic partner with indulgent gestures. Your ideas of the language of love you use are probably not in alignment with hers. Here is where talking helps. How does she love you that you like? What drew you two together? I indulge my partner at times even doing certain things were not second nature to me, and she does the same. We do that for each other because we are secure enough about ourselves and each other. We indulge but not in a way where we think it is remotely beneath our dignity.

    I mentioned the flowers and hand-kissing as a way to humor her a little bit. I also meant it as a playful thing and not meant to make anyone uncomfortable. Oh, loving yourself and being able to love another person is the height of enjoyment, you know? It is about fulfillment of a part of you and the satisfaction that you are fulfilling hers as well. Maybe this relationship could be saved by talking things over, but please don't (I mean that for her more than you) make it into a ledger of what you do for me and I for you. That is so so not fun.
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Totally agree with Nancy on that!
     
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Coffee, you are astute in a way I can't wrap my Pinky brains around. :)
     
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  9. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Has she spoken to you about her sexuality? I would be afraid reading your post, that she is not actually that into women.
     
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  10. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    Hello! Thanks for the replies. It means a lot. :)

    @Moses i am afraid about that too. What if it isn't romantic love? She thought she was straight before she met me. She recently came out to her friends as bisexual. Although she mentioned to me in one of our first conversations that she went to an all girls school and had a huge crush on a girl. I haven't told her of my sexuality at that time.

    @Nancy yeah, she mentioned that I was too mysterious. And she wanted to delve deeper into my mind before committing into a relationship. She wants me to be more open about myself to her. I guess you're right, because now that I have thought about it she acts just the same to me minus the physical intimacy. She still does little favors and gestures for me. She also asked/told me if I think that the only way to express love is through making out.

    @greylin thank you very very much. :) I will start working on my self image. I just dont know how, i have a cluttered mind. She constantly reminds me that I am beautiful and tells me she loves the details I hate about myself. But I just couldn't believe it. :(

    She fell out of love with her ex boyfriend because she started developing feelings for me. We had this deep connection from the start. We instantly became close friends but didn't go any further because she's with someone else.. and i never thought she can like me that way.

    Perhaps we can talk about this on our dinner date on Monday. I hope it wont ruin the night. :p
     
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    Last edited: Dec 10, 2014
  11. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    Typically, people struggle with body image issues (myself included). Many of our insecurities come from external cultural influences, but that is for some other discussion.

    Don't worry about your dinner date. Enjoy you date and just remember that you guys have a great connection and use that to make the night special. Refresh your memory of how great it is to be together. :)
     
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  12. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I'm not sure how old you two are, which helps put this in perspective.

    If a 40 year old woman says "I do everything for you" - that is pretty histrionic and a red flag.
    If someone in their 20s says it - it's just how they feel at the time, without 40 years of perspective of what it really means to do "everything" for someone.

    Guessing on your OPost, I'm going to say that you guys haven't graduated college yet. Based on that, here is my 2 cents worth.

    1) It's normal for her to feel bad about what happened with her ex-bf. It's also normal for her to feel guilty. She kinda has to work through her guilt in her own way. But the truth is, if she's not crazy for him, it's better that they went their separate ways. There will be a girl out there that really is into him and he deserves that. It's no good settling for someone so you don't hurt their feelings, because - deep down they will sense that you are settling. So it's kinder that she set him free now.

    2) Don't be all over her to want her to "respond to your affections." She needs to sort out what she needs to sort out. The best you can do is give her some space to talk about it, without being super insecure at everything she says. It is normal for her to feel guilty and have some doubts.

    But if she is feeling bad and every 5 minutes you are all over her wanting hugs and whatever - that is just going to make her feel more pressured. Like she was supposed to like him, she's supposed to want you all over her, like she has to reassure you a bunch. No fun for her.

    3) Time. Just give her a little time to work through everything. If she doesn't, you're better of without her. But if she does, then you guys can move on. I think it is worth a little time to see if she gets stuff sorted out.
     
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  13. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    Hey

    @Coffee Addict We moved the dinner on Tuesday. But we'll have another lunch date tommorrow. She started being affectionate both physically and verbally again. She even randomly kissed me last night when I was walking her home. I think my performance is doing good.;p But idk if she will change again next week.

    @Bluenote you're a sage. No kidding. You understood the situation so well. Although we're already done with college (I'm 24 and she's 22), that's exactly what she told me, that she's getting pressured by all that's happening. With me and with her ex boyfriend. I'm a little bit immature, I didn't understand her behavior until now. I think my problem is my insecurities, I over analyze her words/actions and get easily hurt. I often feel like I don't deserve her or she doesn't really like me. I don't show or say these things to her though. I always try to keep my cool and be nice all the time, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm hurting. These things recurring in my mind make me want to walk away from her. So far, I am not liking how vulnerable she makes me feel. :(
     
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  14. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I was close, lol. I kinda have 25 as college graduation age. So many people take a gap year, transfer, change majors, etc...

    It's normal to feel weird about feeling vulnerable. It's also normal that relationships leave us feeling very vulnerable. The only thing you can do is - develop tolerance for the feeling. Just kinda try to relax and breath and remember that things like vulnerability and commitment are what you have to give to get all the good stuff from relationships.

    Insecurity can hurt you and her and the relationship. That being said, its normal to be insecure. All you can do is work on your insecurity.

    Examine your beliefs and challenge them.

    Why do you say you don't "deserve" her? Because she is super attractive and you're not super hot? So are "hot" people better people than "not hot" people?

    Attractiveness isn't the only factor in relationships. I mean, she figured out she's bi because of you And likes kissing you, so you've got something going there.

    But other things matter a lot, too. Like being understanding, not totally making fun of her for watching Vampire Diaries, being patient, keeping your promises, giving the other person space to be themselves, supporting their dreams, etc...
     
    #14
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2014
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  15. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    I think you are doing great! I would say do not worry to much about what could happen tomorrow or the week after. You could change in a week too! The future is unpredictable and out of reach, what yo can do to help that future is to be present, carpe diem!! (Sorry, got a little excited)

    In all seriousness, I support @Bluenote, breath and relax. Also, take some time for yourself, to work on loving you a little. People say that you cannot fully love someone if you don't know how to love yourself. I think it makes sense because loving is about accepting who we are the way we are, flawed and imperfect but wonderful at the same time. So, yes, breath, relax, keep going.

    Hugs for you and I hope things keep getting better.
     
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  16. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    @Bluenote "Examine your beliefs and challenge them" i will remind myself of that whenever I get self deprecating thoughts. Thanks a lot. :)

    @Coffee Addict thank you! I'm planning to excercise daily at the gym on January. They say, excercising makes one feel "better".

    One thing about her is that she always consider the future when it comes to relationships. And I used to only think of the "now". It's actually my first time with a girl who actually thinks of settling down with me. She even talked about having babies and moving to another country where lesbian marriage is accepted. But she also said, that she needs to try me first to see if we're worth it (she has a religious family), and said I should do the same with her. I liked her more bec of that. :>

    But I still have another thing to ask you guys for advice. I hope you can help me. We're awesome together but I often get jelous. She's so beautiful and many boys inside and outside of work likes her a lot. I never told her about this because she's never done anything wrong. She never entertained them. She's very sweet and reassures me that I'm the only one she can see. But I still get jealous when a guy makes her laugh and such. I hate myself for feeling this way. I dont want to be possessive.
     
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  17. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

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    Being possessive is like pulling the pin on a hand-held grenade, the person it's going to take out first is you. I know reassurance only reassures you so much, and I totally get that it goes hand-in-hand with the thinking she's hotter than you/other people find her attractive but giving it power and letting it shape your perceptions, especially if it pushes you towards controlling things, is a really long and destructive path that in the end drives a wedge into everything and it's not fun for anyone. Try focusing on what you do have, what there is that is different in the way she laughs with you, or the little things she does that signal that she cares, something between you that in your mind can reassure you without the need for her to say it (apparently always asking gets tiresome :p) so that you can at least subdue the jealousy monster before he rides shotgun.
     
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  18. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    I am not sure how much help can I give on this, I can be a little jealous too. However, I do know that it is about perspective. Usually, when I feel insecure is when my jealousy usually kicks in and I need to be aware of it and do a counter spell. For example, I remind myself of something about us that I think is special and keep my focus on that instead of what causes me insecurity, like a reassurance exercise.

    At the end of the day, even when my love laughs with others, even when she has other friends, when we go home and we see each other in the eye, we make each other smile and feel loved.

    It is a process, you are getting better. Keep working on how you see yourself, it will help you with other things :)

    Good luck.
     
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  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    What @Emm says. You have to trust your girl, she's your girlfriend and that means that yes people will notice her but she hasn't acted on any of it, why? She's with you. You have to reassure yourself because what you you're putting yourself through has been concocted by your brain. Remind yourself that just because someone else makes her laugh it's NEVER them she goes to, YOU are the ONE she chooses. Negativity breeds and spreads, best to nip these thoughts in the bud. Know the little looks that you lovely lady gives just to you, the nuances that the two of you have that are just yours. Let her know that you trust her and she'll trust you back, relationships are two way and need trust as a foundation.
     
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  20. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    You know, there was (is) a reason she decided to be with you. Just like everybody said: not only you need to trust her, you need to believe in you. You give her reasons to make plans for the future (not that I am telling you to start making plans, just to be clear) so I think that's a lot of good things to say about you. Concentrate on how you make her happy, not how other people make her laugh.
     
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