Should I try meet the ex before I go?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by RagsOBrien, Jul 21, 2015.

  1. RagsOBrien

    RagsOBrien Member

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    Hey y'all,

    So I am looking for some advice. I am moving to the other side of the world to start a new life in 3 weeks time. I have been pondering if I should reach out to my ex before I leave one last time with a view to meeting her. I am thinking on many levels it is probably not a great idea as I have no idea what she is up to now, if she is dating someone else etc. We haven't had any contact for about 3 months and the relationship is over almost 6 months. If I am being honest, I am still not over her and think about her a lot. I'm not sure what seeing her one last time will achieve.

    I am wondering if it will give me closure as I feel stuck at the moment insofar as I still pine after her. Although I am worried it would also make me miss her even more.

    I broke up with her but have felt regret ever since but knowing it probably couldn't have worked out the way it was going. I had thought of writing her a letter explaining some things that never were said at the time of the breakup that I feel bad about. I was still in the closet and she wasn't which caused a lot of strain if that gives any insight.

    We won't be getting back together obviously so that possibility is completely off the table. Any advice appreciated. Thanks
     
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  2. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    I think you could meet her for closure, if thats what you need...Maybe people will disagree but it could be good. And by moving away hopefully you'll be distracted with new experiences and people so you won't be thinking about her so much...
     
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  3. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    Does she know you're out of the closet now (I'm assuming you are)? Maybe you should just to let her know. Another thing to think about, will she agree to meet with you? You haven't talked to her for months so you don't really know if she's ready to see you. Just be ready for that, I guess, and maybe opt for the letter if she says no.

    Goodluck and I hope you get your closure.
     
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  4. wonderlust

    wonderlust Well-Known Member

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    I'm always thinking that closure is something people give themselves and when someone seeks closure from their ex, as you've said, it's probably because they're not over it yet. However, if this person means a lot to you meeting her before you go to say the things that were left unsaid and also to say goodbye, then go for it. Also, rac is right in pointing out that you should prepare for the possibility that she wouldn't want to or would be unable to meet up with you.
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I would thank her. I mean, if your past relationship had any influence at all with you now out and proud, I would simply write her a letter and leave something good with her before your next big adventure. Good luck to you! :)
     
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  6. chia

    chia Member

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    You should definitely meet her for a closure, then you can leave with peace mind. Agreed with @greylin above, don't forget to thank her for the memories, because it shaped you to be a better person today
    Good luck for your new journey!
     
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  7. RagsOBrien

    RagsOBrien Member

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    Thanks for your replies. I am thinking she probably won't be game for meeting up because she is moving on with her own life and it may just reopen the wounds.

    I am carrying around a lot of guilt for what I must have put her through to date me as a closet case. I feel like I owe an apology for having to hide the relationship to some and causing pain. I am ot exactly out and proud to all and the family is still a challenge but all of my friends know now and a host of others.

    I am swaying towards writing her a letter now rather than asking to meet in person but worried that it might do damage as she may not even want to read anything that I have written especially if it might and it might upset her. I think closure may come but it might not come as quickly as I'd like. I will think on it some more before I decide whether to communicate with her or not.
     
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  8. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I disagree with the people who said you should meet for closure -- although I get where they're coming from, the fact of the matter is that you broke up with her, hurting her in the process. Contacting her -- whether it's writing a letter or seeing her in person -- seems to me that it's more for YOUR benefit than hers. Contacting her, it seems, is to assuage your own guilt over the situation. It does absolutely nothing for her. The reasons why you broke up with her aren't important to her -- you broke up with her. If you really feel this overwhelming need to apologize -- do it when you both have moved on for good -- at a time and place when the motives aren't so selfish -- when you're no longer pining for her and when she's no longer hurt.
     
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  9. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    You don't have a single reason to feel guilty for not being out when you dated. If she made you feel guilty, that's something she should be ashamed of for not respecting you. If you feel you need to meet to apologize, just don't. Everyone comes out in their own time and when it feels right for them. Don't ever let someone shame you into being out.

    If you need closure, and are really sure you don't want to start up again, call her. Tell her you are leaving and just wanted to say goodbye. If you think that calling her will reignite the relationship, don't call, because you are leaving.
     
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  10. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    Did you end up meeting up with her or trying to meet up?
     
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