Should i tell her everything...

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by Lauren1, Jan 1, 2015.

  1. Lauren1

    Lauren1 New Member

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    #1
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2015
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    It's great that you feel ready to come out. Remember though that you are responsible for your own sexuality and no one else's. You are attracted to your friend but that doesn't mean you should couple coming out with declaring your feelings for her. From what you say, she COULD have inclinations for girls OR she could be straight but that's up to hers to work out. At the same time I can understand why you want to put a lid on your jealousy but perhaps that's something you talk to your friend about after you've come out and you've let her process that piece of information.

    As to what to say when you come out say you're attracted to girls when people ask if that means you're gay or bi explain that for the time being it's "work in progress" don't be quick to label yourself. Only come out to people you're comfortable coming out to.
     
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  3. Lauren1

    Lauren1 New Member

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    Thank you for your reply Nancy!! You're right, telling her everything is probably a lot to take in and i wouldn't want to freak her out even more if she was in fact to have a negative reaction to me telling her my preferences. Regarding her sexuality that is something i would never bring up or discuss with her, its none of my business and i understand how awkward i would feel if someone was to approach me about it before i was ready! Just got to pick the right moment to tell her i guess!
     
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  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Absolutely, small steps good luck :)
     
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I don't think you should tell her, I do think you should tell someone.

    Basically, being in the closet isn't great for one's life, self esteem, etc... So it is good to quit hiding. Not that you have to make a huge declaration, but being able to tell people close to you and live openly. It's also OK to come out 'wherever you are' - if you don't know if you are gay or bi, that is just where you are at. After you've come out and dated a bit, you'll sort the rest.

    However, I wouldn't have her be on of the first people you tell. Coming out can be hard, particularly if the person you tell doesn't take it well. It can lead to hurt, self doubt, rejection and going back into the closet. Not good.

    People who are emotionally invested - friends, crushes, parents, people who are in the closet themselves - are more likely to have a bad reaction. This is because their own issue gets projected onto yours. Parents might freak out "what will the neighbors think!" Or a crush might be freaked out that a gay person likes them.

    You suspect that this girl is bi or gay. But she is trying very hard to pretend that she is hetero. This is a big warning sign that she has her own issues - in denial, not ready to come out, over compensation, etc... Not good. Some of the most homophobic people are actually repressed homosexuals. Look at all those anti-gay preachers who get caught with male hookers. From what you have said about her, there is a pretty good chance that she would not take the news well.

    This means your first coming out could be 1) rejection of your sexuality 2) rejection of your affections 3) rejection of your friendship. That is a hard blow to take.

    I think it would be better to take things in little steps. Come out to a few friends. Then build on that. If down the road you come out to her and it doesn't go well, it won't be such a blow.

    Good luck.
     
    #5
  6. Lauren1

    Lauren1 New Member

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    I did it i did it i did it!!!! :)

    Thank you for your reply blue note....went with your suggestion of telling someone else!! I told two of my other friends, my whole speech i had prepared in my head went completely out of the window and i ended up being a blubbering crying mess instead. What a major relief to get it out!!

    The hardest part was saying 'I'm bisexual'.... i hadn't said that out right even to myself when I'm alone, i only said it in my head, everyones different but my advice to anyone thinking of doing the same is to say it to yourself on your own out loud before you tell anyone else. Everyones different but that was the hardest part for me.

    They both took it SO SO well, wasn't a big deal to them at all, they weren't weirded out and their both treating me no different. They even said that they were glad i had told them and that i shouldn't have kept it in all this time! It couldn't have gone better!!

    Telling them hasn't made me want to tell everyone just yet, its definitely going to be a slow process telling others, but i've started! :)

    **massive sigh of relief**
     
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    TADinUS, Pimousse, Bluenote and 2 others like this.
  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Congrats @Lauren1 . That's really awesome news. I'm really proud of you and I'm glad to hear you have some good friends. Welcome to not feeling so alone. :)
     
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