Should I stay?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by purplelove28, Dec 17, 2014.

  1. purplelove28

    purplelove28 Member

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    I met this woman on the Internet January this year. We communicated on and off by email till June. We then exchanged numbers and chatted for long hours every single day. We met in person in august and from then we've been dating. We now see each other regularly. The problem is that when we are together we there's a strong bond. We both just look at each other and our eyes do the talking. She's wondearful in every way. I want her to be more than just a person I'm dating. I want to take it to the next level. When I'm with her it's like I'm complete. Problem is that she's going through allot at the moment. And she recently started shutting me out. She wants me around but we talk less. She's saying she's feeling low, i told her to talk to me, tell what's going on in her life in her head. I remember her telling me that if it feels like she's pushing me away to please stay by her side as her exes never stayed. I'm spending new years with her and I wanted to ask her to be official. I'm in love with her but I'm scared to tell her incase I push her away from me. I text but she replies a day later or hours later. I miss the old her, the way we were. I wish she could just talk to me and tell me what's going on. I've been thinking on backing off and just telling her we should stop dating but i can't as i really love her. What to do ladies any advice on this matter?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    She needs to help you help her. If she needs space she needs to work with you so you can know that she is still with you. It is hard to stick around when she drops out of sight. It is all negotiations and findingn the balance you two are comfortable with. You have not been dating for long and you have not built a couplehood yet to weather such things without more communications about it.

    You can't press her for details of what she is going through but you do need something because you are in the cold it seems like.
     
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  3. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    When my fiancee and I started dating she was going through some rough times. There would be days that I didn't hear from her and I knew it was because she just didn't want to see anybody in the world. Depression is a very sad thing, it makes you shut out the world and everything you love. When we were supposed to hang out for our first new years (we had been dating 4 months by then) she got some disturbing news and totally ditched me to hide in her house for the night... Wouldn't even let me visit. But you can't take it personal. You just have to give her her time and space, let her know you care and tell her how you feel. I would tell her how much you like her and that you would like to be closer with her. I wouldn't expected that by telling her how you feel that everything will magically change. But if she knows she's loved she might put a little more effort into talking to you...
     
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  4. purplelove28

    purplelove28 Member

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    @greylin and @Just Me; I do understand. This is all new to me, I've never dated anyone with depression before but I'm willing to do anything in my power to help her and show her I'm there for her.
    Last night she told she spent the night before crying all night and that she felt like she was in a long dark tunnel. I remember her telling me she suffered from depression from very little and also post postpartum depression when she had her kid. Today I give her space, I haven't texted her or anything and so haven't she. I'm just giving her all the space she needs because i may not know what's she's feeling buy it hurts me knowing I'm not there to help her through this. She still wants me to come and spend our first new year together and I'm going to take the opportunity to talk to her and let her know I'm there for her. Thank you ladies for your kind advice. X
     
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  5. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    I think I should clarify, when I say give her time, it's ok to text once a day and let her know you're thinking of her... I just wouldn't be excessive or expected a text back everyday.
     
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  6. purplelove28

    purplelove28 Member

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    @Just Me; I did give her space today and she just contacted me so I think it's good of her to contact me. I usually text her once and just wait for her reply. I think best way to talk to her is face to face! I'm not going to talk about what's she's going through a text. Last weekend I wrote her a letter because i thought she was avoiding me. I thought of backing of. Was going to post it tomorrow but she told me today she needs me more than ever so I shall not send her the letter as it would only make her worst. I will do some research on depression and how to help those with it and try and understand how she's feeling.
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I've never been through this experience -- however, I'll state that if it is depression that's affecting her and causing her to push you away, and the depression has been recurring, then she likely needs professional help. It's a real medical issue -- just like diabetes. If she knows she has depression and hasn't sought treatment, then that's a huge red flag. It won't go away on its own. If she is seeking treatment, then try to communicate as best as you can -- and as has been said, she needs to let you know what exactly you can do to help her.
     
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think some of what you guys are going through is normal. It's normal for couples to be all over each other 24-7 when things are new, then cool off a bit. But she's said she still likes you, so I wouldn'tover react.

    I wouldn't worry if it takes her an hour or a day or two to text back.

    Which leads me to my second part. Dating someone with depression can be tricky. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm just saying be aware of the situation and work to take care of yourself and her. Guard against unhealthy habits.

    Three possible ones are personalizing, rescuing and loosing yourself.

    With personalizing, you take things personally that are just symptoms of the disease. Like feeling anxious or unloved when she's not responsive. Or feeling hurt that she's not up for a date.

    The other is don't try to "rescue" her. In the end, she has a psychological / medical condition that needs treatment. I don't know the extent of her issues so her needs may vary from lifestyle changes up to therapy and medication. Just 'loving' her won't cure her issues, any more than it would cure a broken leg.

    In the end, she's the one who has to seek treatment. If she is unable, or unwilling to do that, she's not likely to get better.

    You can be supportive and compassionate, but you're not replacement for professional help.

    Which leads me to the risk of loosing yourself. When someone is sick, it's easy for that to take over. Constantly focusing on the other person, putting your needs second, trying hard to 'fix' them, or help them.

    So you have to set limits and makes sure there is space for you in the relationship.

    I'm not saying don't date her. I'm just saying be aware of the situation and go into with some tools.
     
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  9. purplelove28

    purplelove28 Member

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    Thank you @Spygirl; I don't think she has had medical help with this one but she has had medical help with her previous episodes. I do hope she seeks help. Because one day she's cold and pushing me away and the next she's warm and want me closer. It's mixed feelings but i will try sort things out.
     
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  10. purplelove28

    purplelove28 Member

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    Thank you @Bluenote your advice is very helpful because i am one person that put other needs before my own and get lost into it.
     
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  11. crazy-one

    crazy-one Member

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    This seems like possible Borderline personality disorder. Whatever it is she needs professional help. Since you said you are person that put other needs before your own don't forget to set limits.

    About your question "should I stay" I really don't know what to say to you. You should stay if you see that she is willing to help herself. If she is not then you better don't stay. Personally I would never be with someone who has mental issues because I had that experience and I know how hard it could be but maybe you have energy to try to deal with it. Just don't forget about yourself.
     
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  12. purplelove28

    purplelove28 Member

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    @crazyone to be honest she's the first I've ever dated with mental health problems. But I will set my limits and be there for her. Because she's is a wonderful person inside out and one of the most caring woman out there. But if she doesn't help herself then there's nothing I can do to help as the previous ladies mentioned.
     
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  13. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Jesus wept. I don't think its a good idea to throw around diagnosis based on a one paragraph description of someone you've never met.

    Lots of people go hot and cold, shut others out when they are struggling. Big leap from that to saying she has a personality disorder.
     
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  14. crazy-one

    crazy-one Member

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    @Bluenote

    I expected that kind of comment. :) No I don't give diagnosis since in my next sentence I said "whatever it is she needs professional help".
     
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