Should I let her go? or keep holding on?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by angel00717, Oct 1, 2016.

  1. angel00717

    angel00717 New Member

    Oct 1, 2016
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    Its funny how someone can change your life forever... I met this woman who at first never really thought I would take seriously, but as time passed she gave me a new reason for living. She was the one who gave me the courage to fight for what I want and what I beleive in despite what others around me might think. Because of her, Im proud to say that I am a lesbian, and I have a partner. It came to the point that I even left behind my family (parents) just to fight for my love for her. (well we are both adults at our 30s)

    At first it was really hard to live a life without my parents and money. There were days when we dont even know how to get food to eat for the week. Luckily we met other people who helped us, and I found work that could support us. Yet even on those hard months together, she always stood by me. Never did she think of leaving me. She was my support when I was already feeling down.

    Then the day came when we had to go back to our former lives. To my surprise after more than half a year together, it turns out that she has kids of her own. During the time when we were living together, she never mentioned them. There were times when I would read messages pertaining to her kids, but when I ask about it, she would completely deny it. So I shrugg it off and hild on to my trust to her.

    When she finally admitted that she have kids of her own, I began to get mad coz I felt that she lied to me all those times, yet the anger did not last a day, and it transformed into amazement. I was amazed how this woman could give up so much to be with me. Never did she show how deeply hard and sad it was for her to be far away from her family. She did not want to add to the problems we were already facing. So the only thing I could do was to accept her and her kids. (she is a single mother). If I really love her, I have to love her for who she is... nothing more nothing less.

    We started to plan our future together, even planned to get married as soon as we were stable enough with our lives. I left my parents again to be with her and her kids. Her kids only see us as friends, but I love them like my own. They are my family now.

    Yet, as time passes, our relationship turned downwards. I became to clingy and demanding to her. Before she met me, she used to go out with her friend everyday. Go to partys and hangout. Since I am there and always get mad when she is out at night, and always snooping around her phone, she felt too tied down. I never realized that I was becoming this type of person towards her, I was just too scared to loose her (coz she is all that I have left) that I get to demanding on her.

    Then the day came when she got fed up and she broke up with me. Well, we argued and due to my anger I mentioned that it is best that we break up- and she stood by that decision. No matter how hard I try, she did not change her mind. She said that she was not happy anymore for a long time, and she only stayed coz I was too nice to her and her kids. In the end I asked her of I could still live with her, hesitantly she agreed, on the condition that we are already broken up.

    As a fool, I still kept on trying to win her back. I act as if we are still together and try to be sweet towards her, but there are times she gets irritated and act as if I have an infectious illness whenever I touch her. She would spend most times on her phone chatting with her friends. She would change her password to ensure that I wont be able to open it. Whenever I ask her if she still loves me, she would get irritated and remind me that we are broken up already... but in the end of the day when she sees I am hurt, she told me she wants to fix us, but it wont be as fast as I want. I have to learn to go with the flow.

    The pain of sleeping beside someone you love so much is killing. Waking up with her not being able to hug her is like stabbing myself over and over again. Yet I have to learn my lesson. There are times when I think she has someone new, and I ask her about it, she would get really mad and tell me that I am being paranoid again, we are already together almost 24hrs a day 7 days a week, what else do I want..But my curiosity cant seem to subside.

    I talked to my friend about our situation and they all tell me that I am a fool for even staying. I have to accept it is over. She already told me several times that it is over... still here I am trying my best to win her back. (because she also told me she wants to fix us).

    Sometimes after every hard days of trying and end up being pushed back, I just want to give up already and accept. But I love her, and if I accept it that we are broken up, it could mean that we would never get back together again.

    I dont know what to do, are my friends right, that I am stupid for staying with her. Or should I fight for her, and wait for the day she learns to love me again? I am just completely lost....
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Sometimes, storms are from inside the house. You are not stupid for staying with her, but it is unhealthy. It is easy to stay with what is familiar to you right now but even if you had to work for free room and board, it is healthier to get out of there as quickly as possible. She is being really nice to you because she knows what you had to give up in order to be with her. That whole situation with the kids and how she hid it was really weird, but it doesn't matter now, you have to respect her conditions if you were to stay and you need to get off her bed. But really, your friends are right, get out of there.

    You need to leave and not beg for her to change her mind anymore because it makes you into a person you don't want to be. It makes you someone who is dependent on her for some pittance of hope now and then that you will be happy. Please consider that you are stronger than you'd think. Once you are out and you find a new situation, this will look very odd to you that you had endured this time of cohabitation in separation. I wish for you peace and joy now that you have found yourself, don't lose it because of this.
    newborn and Pi3 like this.
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    I often get accused of being judgmental and mean, when I'm simply trying to give someone a reality check. Well, right now if this comes across as harsh, I apologize, but what you are doing is NOT healthy.

    From the outset, anyone who could leave her kids -- who should be the MOST important beings to her -- for a relationship with someone else tells me that she does not understand the word commitment. To top that off...that she'd lie about their very existence to you is flat out wrong. Anyone who can lie as easily as her is not someone you want in your life, because you'll always be second guessing yourself and wondering what is truth and what is fiction. Your relationship began predicated upon a lie, and I'm wondering just how honest she's been with you the entire time....

    The sad thing is that you've blindly accepted and stood by this woman who has treated you poorly. And yet you still wait around for her to change her mind when she's explicitly told you she's done. You can't make anyone love you or want to be in a relationship with you. That you stay together perpetuates the harm you are doing to yourself. She told you that you could live with her on the condition that you are broken up - yet you push and you push and you try, acting as if you are still together -- she has every right to be irritated with you. And I wouldn't be surprised if your actions are breeding even more and more resentment from her. She also has every right to date someone else because she's made it clear that you are broken up -- even if that isn't the case, it's really not your concern anymore.

    You need to accept that it is over. You need to move on with your live because you're living in an unhealthy fantasy-land right now waiting and waiting for the life you want to materialize when it is not going to happen. Fight for her and wait for the day she learns to love you again? That day is NEVER going to happen. Please gather whatever dignity you have left and move on. Learn to be independent and act for yourself because you've turned into this clingy needy person with her, and I can tell you...clingy and needy are two traits that are a huge turn off for many people. Stop letting her use you as a doormat, which is what you are -- because you allow her to use you in this fashion. And maybe seek some professional help because you need to learn to love yourself first -- don't put your happiness into the hands of someone else.
    greylin, Kaorin and Bluenote like this.
  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Go. For yourself, for your future, for your self-respect and space to heal: go!

    When someone decides that a relationship is over, that's it: it's over. You don't get a vote, you don't get a recount, you don't get an appeal. (That people do all these things, that we have romanticized them pretty hard - well, that's unfortunate.) Your ex has decided that she does not want to be in a relationship with you, so your relationship is over, done, finished. That is very hard, and it can break your heart; it's also true.

    You can let it go with grace, or you can let it drag you kicking and screaming; walk away with integrity and love for yourself, or grind yourself down out of desperation into a person you don't want to be. Right now, I understand that losing her feels impossible, and you would do anything - even hurt yourself deeply - to hold on to the chance of keeping her, but sweetheart: you have already lost her, and that hope is gone, and hanging on is only shredding your self-respect. And in time, with distance and healing, you will start to see that losing her is not the worst; losing yourself is the worst.

    Because that's what you're doing. Here's a woman who left her children, lied to you about them, and ultimately only stayed with you out of comfort and obligation; here's a love that turned you into someone you do not want to be, clingy and desperate, stifling to the love you are trying so desperately do hold on to. Here's a situation where you want different and opposing things - and where an ongoing relationship makes her unhappy, and friendly cohabitation makes you unhappy. You have lost the love you wanted, the self you wanted to be, and the home you wanted to have. Why would you stay for this pale shadow? Why would you continue to let yourself be hurt and behave in ways that make you unhappy and ashamed of yourself?

    So, go. Thank her for the time you shared, and wish her the best. Take yourself somewhere safe to heal - and maybe trust those friends, and reach out to them for help. And know that love worth holding on to does not come at the price of pain, shame, and desperation.
  5. mariannek2u

    mariannek2u Well-Known Member

    Feb 3, 2016
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    Ok i havent read all the comment above but its not healthy or helping you in anyway to stay living with her. I was inthe opposte situation a long time ago where my ex wanted to live in our house while we broke up. It was so frustrating that i completely shut down emotionally after a while. We never had a fight before that time but i was so annoyed by her at that time trying to cling on to something that was over. She should have done more while we were together. Taking a step back and let her breath is the best way. Im not saying that that will help you guys getting back together but it would help clear the air...
    greylin likes this.

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