Should I do something about this girl who has experienced child sexual abuse?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by JustAnotherGirl, Nov 2, 2018.

  1. JustAnotherGirl

    JustAnotherGirl New Member

    Nov 2, 2018
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    First of all, I live in Iran, where any form of homosexuality is illegal, so reporting to police may not be the solution.

    I’m 30, recently dated a 20 years old girl named “Paradise” for a month.
    At the beginning she told me she had a 7 year relationship from 13 until a few months ago with a married woman 25 years older than her named Kim.
    I noticed Paradise doesn’t feel like a victim. Apparently Paradise ended relationship because Kim is married and she was sick of being in love with someone who has another partner. But they remained friends.
    I was shocked but believed that it has ended.

    Throughout the month Paradise revealed Kim was her school teacher and also a Family friend, and started kissing Paradise at school and started penetrating sex soon after.
    After a few weeks I noticed sometimes Paradise has controlling and irrational behavior which she claimed is because of her deep interest in me. considering her age I tried to tolerate it. we seemed both interested in each other.

    Last Friday Paradise messaged me and said she needs someone to help, someone to love, to forget Kim.
    I told her I will help her, but she also needs to help herself, by decreasing her contact with Kim and going to the psychologist. Paradise said she has done that but didn’t get a result. (maybe because most psychologists here don't have expertise in homosexual and child abuse problems)
    That day I realized they are in continuous contact. Paradise sent me messages of Kim, which she had stated “she was sick but didn’t go to doctor to punish herself because she made Paradise angry” Paradise told me she has done it because of me.

    I said is it normal for a 45 years old woman to say things like that?
    And insisted she must decrease their contact. Paradise told me she can’t do so, even if she wants, Kim won’t leave her alone. we argued a little.

    Paradise told me she thought I could help her, but I can’t. Because my attitude and words remind her of Kim!
    Feeling disgusted I told her I am not like her and I don’t want to!
    Paradise wanted me to not talk like that about Kim.

    Saturday Paradise messaged me that she wants to tell something but fears I get angry or leave her. She said Kim has invited her to her house and kissed her.
    Said she didn’t even thought Kim would do that, but when it happened she couldn’t resist. so we had an argue. she begged me not to leave.

    Sunday we had sex for the first time and she said she hopes to have a future with me and a lot of other beautiful stuff. I accepted to have sex hoping that this will help her resist Kim. Not to mention sex was great and romantic.

    Monday Paradise said she had bought gift for Kim for her newly bought home. I told her she should not go to Kim’s home, cos she knows what will happen.
    But Paradise wouldn’t accept and said I just want to give her the gift nothing more, but if Kim starts something I can’t resist. That made me more angry. At the end Paradise told me we should broke up because I can’t accept the existence of Kim. I told when we started dating you said Kim is now just a dear friend for you. she said I thought I could but I can’t.

    She told me a lot of other things which proved me she has emotional instability. she is full of hatred against Kim’s husband. she told me “Kim can’t live without me and I can’t live without her. I committed suicide when I was 17 because of her and I can do it again.”
    She again repeated that sad sentence : “Even if I wanted to leave her, she won’t let me so. I have no control against her. It seems I have to divide my feelings between you and Kim and that’s not right. so we should break up”

    It makes me sad that such a young and beautiful girl is dealing with so much trouble. I believe the woman ruined her life and mind. I feel like I have a responsibility to help her. but I’m not sure now that she is not underage; is their relationship still considered child abuse? Is it really abusive or I’m making a big deal? or it’s not none of my business and I shouldn’t interfere?

    What should I do?
    Do you think I should find some way to talk to Paradise’s father? or even Kim and ask her to leave Paradise alone? (actually I don’t know much about them so finding them maybe hard or impossible)
    I’m not sure if that would help with the girl not trying to help herself and any sudden reaction from her father or Kim may lead Paradise to do stupid things.

    Also it can put me in trouble with her or even her father, most parents in Iran can’t handle homosexuality and sex before marriage.
    It seems Paradise’s mother is not in good relationship with her daughter, so I don’t consider talking to her.
    Not to mention I still has feelings for the girl, but try my best to understand that with her state of mind our reunion would hurt me more.
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2018
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Oh My!

    About a few sentences and maybe a paragraph in, I thought to myself, "Oh no, Run!!!"

    Please don't get involved in this. She is being abused simply because that woman was her teacher and had started grooming her while she was 13!! If you tell someone, I bet the girl herself will get in trouble. Then you better be prepared to come out yourself. To make such an accusation against someone, you better have plenty of proof that she started at a young age and the victim herself is willing to corroborate.

    Like you said, she is an adult now and the blame will not just fall on the older married woman, and I bet ya, the young woman will be in more trouble than the older woman. I would accept her break up with you and let her go. Unless the young woman seeks help, there is nothing you can do to sway her. This is tragic and terrible and I also bet you for Kim, Paradise was not her only victim. So unless you can find a way to expose her if she is already grooming someone from her current crop of students, there is nothing more you can do for Paradise. You can't be a therapist to Paradise.

    I am sorry.
    JustAnotherGirl likes this.
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    The thing is...Paradise needs to take responsibility for her own issues; you cannot solve her problems no matter how hard you try unless she WANTS you to help solve her problems.

    The situation reeks of abuse and manipulation with Kim and Paradise, and there's nothing you can do about because Kim remains a priority in her life -- even though that's seriously messed up. Unless and until Paradise realizes and accepts that she's been the victim of manipulation and takes steps to help herself, then you will always be secondary to Kim in her life. By her actions, Paradise has chosen Kim -- not you.

    Run from this situation; you're bound to experience only heartbreak and drama. It's also not your job to fix her even though from the outside you see so much wrong with the situation. Let her make her own mistakes.
    JustAnotherGirl likes this.
  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    It's sad and hard, but: you can't save her.

    She is telling you the truth when she says she can't resist Kim, she can't say no, she can't end it. A relationship with you won't save her, sex with you won't save her, your wanting her to save herself won't save her, you getting her in trouble with the law or alienating her from her family won't save her.

    And, you being in a relationship just to be her methadone, her replacement drug - that's pretty fucked up, too. I get that you're coming from a good place and mean well, but this girl has experienced some pretty serious manipulation and grooming and emotional blackmail; your good intentions will operate on her the same way.

    Until she is ready, she is not going to be able to leave. You can say, gently as possible, "Paradise, this is a situation I can't be involved in. I think that Kim has behaved in a really harmful way, and that she's continuing to manipulate you. There are resources to get free out there, and if you want help finding a competent therapist or making a safety plan, please get in touch. I wish you the best."

    If she decides she wants free, she knows you are on her side - as a friend, an ally, backup. But anything else is probably counterproductive and will hurt both of you.
    Nancy and JustAnotherGirl like this.
  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    This woman sounds crazy as shit. Honestly, it sounds like you will just get burned in this situation. Paradise needs to extract herself from this mess, but the worst person to help with that is a female lover.

    This situation sounds very volatile. There is a good chance that either Paradise or Kim will freak out at some point and turn on you. They could out you, turn you over to the authorities, claim you are making the whole thing up, etc...

    You can't 'ungroom' Paradise. What has happened to her has been going on for a long time. She needs to want to change and to have some long term psychological help. You can't force her to change, or even persuade her to change. Just like some alcoholics keep drinking, or some people can't stop gambling. An addict won't stop until they actually want to stop.

    Paradise doesn't want to quit Kim. You can't make her want to quit Kim. You can't say a few things to her that will make her see the light and want to quit Kim.

    What you can do is protect yourself. Stay away from this whole crazy mess. Run as fast as far as you can. This is like a bomb of crazy, just waiting to go off. Make sure that you are as far away from this mess as possible when it does errupt.
    JustAnotherGirl and Spygirl like this.

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