She's the best thing. How do I fix this?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Gia007, Dec 10, 2013.

  1. Gia007

    Gia007 Member

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    This feels like a long story, so bear with me. In short, I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year now. I neglected/chose/forgot to tell her something that, in retrospect, I really should have. It has, since then, blown up in my face somewhat and for the last few days we've been in a sort of stasis. I'd also like to preface by saying that this woman is the love of my life. I know that. Like you know red is the colour red when you look at it. It just is. Fact.
    Classic story really, I fell for a friend about 4 years ago. I never told her, but I'm 99% certain that she knew. She's straight. I remember writing on this forum, about how she looked at me/how we drunkenly kissed /how I hoped that one day she would wake up and SEE me - you all know the drill - yadda yadda, blah blah. She's straight. Fact. She is french, a giant pain in the ass, opinionated, young in mentality (26, I am 34), strong willed, filled with silly ideas and ideals eg.: 1. all ginger haired people smell, and have no friends. 2. if she were to lose a limb in an accident, she would sooner die than live without it. 3. if she had an ugly baby, she wouldn't keep it. She also feels that she’s always right and that everyone likes her - she has no sense of humility at all. The list goes on. She is also beautiful and has most of the boys/men in love with her. She’s so fussy that none of them appeal to her but she lacks the ability to tell them that there's no chance. I suspect it's coz she subconsciously loves the attention and drama and is too weak willed to call it quits lest she be given no more attention.
    We also worked together opening a new restaurant at the time this infatuation began, but after about 6 months she was then moved back to the restaurant we started in together. After this move, I realised my stupidity (I realised it all the time really, perhaps I just accepted it then) and we went on with our friendship - often traveling together etc (nothing ever happened between us). I put the feelings in a box and hoped against hope that the box would remain sealed. In this time I also slept with a good friend (male) and another, female. I am still happily friends with this folks and my partner enjoys their company too and is aware of these dalliances. Somewhere along the way though, the box reopened itself and the ridiculous infatuation reared its ugly head again. My concept of time is somewhat skewed, but i.m.o I forgot about it after a while and went on to meet my partner. She's 28, she takes my breath away, she IS the breath that she takes away, she's a qualified psychologist, Italian, and the kind of beautiful that would make Bette Porter cry were she to see her. We met at work - the same restaurant that my friend had returned to run. She was employed as a bartender. BTW, I live in London. Girlfriend finished studies in Italy, broke up with, from what I heard, a rather demented woman and decided to pursue what the Americans call a 'gap year' in the UK. We met approx after 3 months after she arrived. She and my friend also look similar; people often mistake them for sisters. I know, fucked up.
    So interesting dynamic - previous infatuation working with my love. Previous infatuation (let’s call her PI) is my loves' (let’s call her ML) boss. I have always been PI's boss in which ever restaurant we work in. When ML & I started dating, I very much put PI on the back burner, we very rarely saw each other and for the most part she was away quite a lot on holiday. After a time, ML pointed out this neglect, saying that she wasn't sure that she could respect someone who was so quick to ditch a friend when she started dating someone. As I would move heaven and earth for ML, I re-kindled the friendship with PI, making us a cosy 3some. There are other friends involved in this too, but that's another story. Somewhere along the way, I was then moved back to this same restaurant so now we ALL work 2getha. Yes, truly - this is fo' reals. In meantime, ML bent over backwards to win PI's friendship, not only coz she's my friend but also as she a notorious B.I.T.C.H to work with. PI is simple, if she likes you, she will do anything for you, if she doesn't - quite frankly you’re fucked.
    So I never told ML about my infatuation with PI. I didn’t for fairly obvious reasons: - it was an infatuation in my head and not based in reality – it was over for me – I was embarrassed and ashamed of being ( i.m.o) so sad to want someone who didn’t want me back – and finally, I didn’t want to make it awkward for ML knowing this information and then having to work with PI too.
    This all came out about 3 months ago. We’ve never argue or fight, we are disgustingly happy. This was like a certain type of death. Slow and agonising. We spoke for hours but reached no conclusion and I spent a day, sick with fear at the notion of losing her. She chose to let it go, I am unsure if my reasons above are as honest as I can be, but still, now I find them all I have to offer. I don’t feel that they’re enough for her.
    Anyway, more time has passed since then and we have gone on. Still never having resolved the matter. Until this Sunday at our staff Secret Santa. ( I should also add that I was away the preceding 3 weeks in Cape Town, coming out to my mother – but again, that’s a different story. So ML had been left with PI to entertain her while I was gone). My sous chef cooked a rather marvellous meal for all 11 of us, and I realised that we were very thoughtless in not getting him a gift too. I spoke to PI about this oversight in front of the other staff ( including ML) and she basically she said that he wasn’t worth it and she we shouldn’t use of the service charge to get him anything. I’ve become used to this side of her and basically told her to stop being such a bitch, it was gonna happen whether she liked it or not.
    ML and I got home. And so unfolded the second worst night of my life. ML has decided that in fact PI is not a nice person and not worthwhile to have as a friend but blames herself for part of the situation – that part of suggesting that I re-kindle our friendship. She feels that PI is part of our lives and where she is workwise because of me, because I made it happen. That I defended PI, when I should have been defending her – there was a point, when the tears were running down her cheeks and the moonlight caught her face just so and she said, “Did you really not know how horrible she was to me in the beginning?!” I swear on my father’s grave, I thought I had killed us….her – like I couldn’t have done anything worse.
    She also said that she stayed in London for me – letting go of worthwhile friends, making effort with someone who didn’t deserve it (only having figured that out now) coz that’s what you do for the people you love. I died somewhere in that sentence. Still don’t feel like I’ve come back to life. I tried so hard to be perfect, to not give her a reason to leave, coz somehow I knew, I knew I was the reason she stayed. I failed.
    We are in that stasis now. I don’t really know where we stand as still; we have not resolved the issue.
    I love this woman. I see the future that I never dared let myself think of. Everything about her screams HOME, LOVE, HAPPINESS, COMFORT, HEAT, FOREVER. I don’t know what to do to fix it.
    Do you?
     
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  2. AP

    AP Member

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    Based on what you said it seems that the problem is PI. If ML is the love of your life her needs and wants should come first. PI really seems like a not so nice person, no one should have to work hard to get someone to like them or to even get along. I think you need to get PI out of your life. At some point you have decide what is more important. I hope this helps.
     
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    Bobo13 likes this.
  3. Gia007

    Gia007 Member

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    Hi there
    Thank u 4 ur comment. I agree in part. Having taken a hard look at myself and PI through ML's eyes, I'm dissappointed in myself. Sad that I missed it. That I allowed things to get to this point. That I allowed the residual feelings of affection for PI 2 cloud my judgement. Now I can see what she is. Unfortunately other than ML and I leaving our job, we're saddled with her. The only respite is that I know how ML feels now, as I now realise that she was holding onto things that happened a year ago instead of telling me then already. She complains that I'm not a big talker but I've realised that it's also often she who struggles with speaking her thoughts. I'm also trying to extricate myself from the 'friendship' and short of telling PI the issue (which I'm not sure ML wld want) in order to make a clean break, I not sure what else to do. I do think ML understands this, I also hope she knows she is all I care about. I've said it enough... Is it ever really enough?
     
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  4. AP

    AP Member

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    You're welcome. To answer your question if it's enough, I think in this case its a matter of actions speak louder than words if you continue to show her that you care and that you love her everything will work itself out.
     
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