She's taken

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by u-45691486, Jul 22, 2015.

  1. u-45691486

    u-45691486 Member

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    I'm going to try to be brief (everyone says that). So here is the deal i'm an out lesbian (only out for 2 yrs) and my friend/employee is getting married. I have only known her since I hired her sooo about 6 months. But we have become really close friends. I have met her family and know that she is engaged with a guy she has been with for a few years (Met him twice briefly). Everybody loves me and considers me family too i am even helping with the wedding. Since I dont have much family since I came out these ppl are it. Since the beginning we have always flirted a bit. For example I would say I knew you were hired the second I saw you and such lol. And she would reply, well I knew I wanted to work for you right away blah blah blah. I once texted her and said the flirting was good practice for me since she is straight and getting married. To which she replied.... I am actually bi but nobody knows (i am thinking even her family doesn't know). I said your secret is safe and brushed on to other conversation she is from another culture that really looks down on that stuff but they all seem to like me, so Idk. Anyway I digress... lately we have been calling each other pet names when we text like darling, sweetheart, honey, love and she has a name for me in another language and also uses the same pet names as listed above. She says I am cute all the time and that she can't even handle it (whatever that means). She smiles every time I text her and I smile back all the time. She tells me her mom thinks she is bipolar cause she well get all stressed about planning the wedding and then I text and all of a sudden she is not down anymore. Her fiance has even thought she was texting a guy cause of how much she smiles when I text (which she told me via text). Anyway if she was single I would say well obvs this girl is into me, but since she is planning a wedding I have no idea. She has said that she doesnt want to get married 100%, that the idea of it was better until he popped the question. I know she loves him... but cant help but wonder is she feels something for me. I have included a sample text from her to me... you decide.

    She has been off for a few days....
    Me: So what r ur plans for today
    Her: Packing up for the Carribean, I dont think I can handle anything to wedding related now lol. I stress myself out to much... and I pick my dress up later so thats about it.
    Me: Cool. Sounds like fun stuff, keep thinking about the palm trees!
    Her: Yeah but then I will miss you
    (3 min pass)
    Her: Ah got you stuck on that one huh lolol
    Me:Yeah lol
    Me: U know me to well... no fair
    Her: lol hehehe
    Me: lol :) Im shaking my head and smiling
    Her: lol keep shking because sometimes the truth takes a little bit to settle lol if that makes sense haha
    Her: But keep smiling lol too
    Me: haha u think ur so smart. Keep that shit up lol
    Her: (smiley face) Yess ma'am (sneeky emoji) lol
    Me: Im sooooo cheesing lol
    Her: your sooooooo cute haha
    Me: I am?! No more like you are. I have to work now so dont think about me and my cuteness and dont think about whats gonna happen if u keep being cute lol.
    Her: (crying emoji)
    Her: I say nothing
    Her: lol
    Me: lol ;)
     
    #1
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    It's great when there's someone you connect with and you text back and forth, all flirty and giggly.

    HOWEVER, this girl is engaged and therefore off limits. Even if she has said she's not 100% sure about the impending wedding she is still in a committed relationship.
     
    #2
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Seriously?

    You actually need advice about what to do about your closeted EMPLOYEE, from a conservative culture who is GETTING MARRIED?

    What you do is stay the hell away because everyone is going to get hurt really badly.

    She will not leave her fiance for you.
    She will not come out for you.
    She will not date you.
    She will not make you happy.

    Her fiancé might find out- he already suspects.

    Her family might find out.
    They will all probably blame you. It's easier to pretend your daughter was led astray by an evil gay person, than admit she is gay.

    She will dump you like a hot potato and stay with him / her family.

    They won't trust her and she will be stuck in a shitty situation of her own making.

    You could wind up with trouble at your business/ work.

    Ok, it feels nice that she likes you. But you can't possibly be that desperate that this screwed up of a situation is your only option. Tell her you are only a friend and she needs to focus on sorting things out with the fiancé.

    Then start online dating, going to meet ups, going to clubs, joining groups. Go meet nice, available, not closeted, not engaged women.

    "I found this grenade on the side of the road, should I pull the pin and see what happens?" No, no you shouldn't. You should back the hell away and think with the self preservation part of your brain.

    Sweet mother of God.
     
    #3
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  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    After this post, I got nothin' ...except Ditto. Couldn't have said it better myself.
     
    #4
  5. u-45691486

    u-45691486 Member

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    Thanks everybody, I was so caught up in all the texting that I didn't see the writing on the wall lol. After reading your comments its like I sobered up after being foggy. It does seem pretty clear cut what should be done. Thanks for helping me see that. Easier to see from your perspective that I was just silly for entertaining the idea. Thanks Again :)
     
    #5
  6. nicolenihon

    nicolenihon New Member

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    Good luck getting over her, hope you're not in too deep!
     
    #6
  7. u-45691486

    u-45691486 Member

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    Thanks, I have been trying lol. Its hard when you're in it and the attention can be like quick sand not to mention her smile. Its a real effort to push feeling aside rather than let things ride out and possibly get in trouble (or more like surely get in trouble). To be honest I have had to read Bluenotes advice a few times just as a reminder.
     
    #7
  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    They have this saying in AA, that it's not ok to hurt someone else as part of your recovery. In other words, you can't get healthy by doing unhealthy things.

    The same thing applies for being in the closet. Her closetedness (yeah, I made up a word) doesn't justify her using and taking advantage of people. Also, these kind of behaviours aren't healthy and won't lead anywhere good.

    Ok, she is in a tough situation with her parents. But that doesn't justify using her fiance and you, plus being dishonest with her parents. People are going to get hurt, because she is avoiding her sexuality and that isn't fair to anyone.

    If she is bi, she needs to be focusing on her relationship with her fiancé and figuring out if she can be monogamous to one person. If not, she shouldn't be marrying him.

    If she is gay, she needs to face the music with her family. (Yeah, it's hard, but not impossible, I speak from experience).

    What she is doing right now is using both you and her fiancé. She gets what she wants- approval from the straight world and romantic affection from a woman. But what is she doing to you? He is being made a fool of. And you are the dirty little secret. He deserves someone who loves him wholly and you deserve someone who isn't ashamed of loving you- even if it is hard.

    Long term, it erodes one's sense of self worth to be the dirty little secret. Or to know your spouse has 'settled' for you.

    So don't go there. Ok, she has a nice smile. Ok, you are eating up the attention. But seriously- get a grip. You aren't 14. Show some self discipline and don't turn to putty every time a girl is nice to you. Because this isn't a nice situation and it isn't going to lead nice places.

    Get out there and find available, not taken women to date. Then you can actually have a healthy relationship and not be part of a screwed up soap opera. It's called self preservation- use it.
     
    #8
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  9. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    Oh gosh run. this will only end bad!! And I would worry about getting in trouble at work and losing my job. Good luck. It will take time to get over and move on, but it will be worth it I PROMISE!!!
     
    #9
  10. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    Danger, Will Robinson!
     
    #10
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  11. u-45691486

    u-45691486 Member

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    Thank you everybody! I am creating distance. She is actually going away for two weeks (with the fiance) and this will be a good time for to really get out and not think about her as I am sure she wont be thinking about me (And get distance from her family and others in her life). I want someone who wants me 100% and wont settle for less. Wouldn't be where I am if I had settled or been afraid to move on... so here we go again up ward and on ward! Thank you all. Its not worth any of my time to put myself into a place I crawled out from so many years ago.
     
    #11
  12. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I bet 10$ that she texts you on vacation that she misses you. Don't fall for it. Cut off all text flirting with her.
     
    #12
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  13. u-45691486

    u-45691486 Member

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    I have a feeling you're right. But I will keep you guys posted as I feel like you are my support group at the moment. And deal! I will knock off the text flirting as its just a slippery slope into feeling things I shouldn't. I have to kick the habit sometime so this time apart should make it easier since I wont have to see her later in the day and will also force me to get busy so I don't have idle time. Talking to you guys has been a big help so far.
     
    #13
  14. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    @Bluenote has pretty much said everything sooooooo.....

    [​IMG]
     
    #14

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