She's ready to get married, but I don't think I'm there yet...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Ooohwhatprettystars, Mar 30, 2015.

  1. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    Hello everyone,
    I've been with my girlfriend now for almost a year, we were also together for a year before that, but I ended up needing to take a break to work on myself and figure out what I want in life, etc.(mid twenties crisis maybe? lol) We both had issues to work through. So combined we've almost been together for two years. We've lived together most of those two years and things are good, we are both pretty busy people with work and me being a college student.

    A little background on me, I was married before for almost two years to my high school sweetheart(over 7 or 8 years ago). I started discovering my feelings toward women near the end of that marriage, which contributed to my ending it. There were a lot of abusive problems as well, but that's beside the point. Anyway, not only am I divorced, my parents divorced when I was in high school which my siblings and I are still affected by to this day.

    So now that you know some about my background, my girlfriend is in her early 40s and I am just past my mid twenties. We have a good relationship, of course like every other couple we have minor disagreements, etc.. but for the most part our relationship is a happy one. She is very ready to get married and start a family. The family part I have no quarrels with, before I met her I planned on having a child before I turned 30, so the timing is actually the same that I had already planned for myself. However, the getting married part really stresses me out. I can't figure out why that is. I do love her and I have no problem being faithful to her, so I can't understand why the idea just doesn't appeal to me right now.

    I don't know if my background with being divorced and my parents ugly divorce has anything to do with it, or if I'm just concerned because there is a lot of controversy (Especially in the state that I live in) surrounding gay marriage. I'm an introvert and I run from controversy lol. I feel like I hurt her feelings because I tell her I'm not ready when we talk about it and she is ready and says that she is a lot older than me and doesn't want to wait forever. Help me! =(
     
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  2. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    Well, I can see both sides of the table... And both are completely valid.

    I've also gone through a messy divorce with a guy, no actual wedding, but we had a house and cars and pets (thankfully no kids)... And I was raised in a single parent home, with a mostly homophobic family... so getting into a serious relationship and getting engaged to a woman was the last thing on earth I ever saw myself doing, at one point in life.

    But I never thought I would ever be this happy with my life either.

    So some questions are...
    Are you really honestly content or are you settling? I knew after the third time I met my gf I wanted to marry her. I also dated enough people to know what I was looking for. Have you dated other women? I might be totally absurd for saying, but maybe you haven't dated enough to know. If you're in love and you can't think of what you would do if you were to suddenly wake up and that person was gone; then why not marry them? You're living together for two years, in a lot of places that would make you common law partners anyways...

    Is it legal to get married in your state? Being ABLE to get married is what also motivated my gf and I. So many people have actually literally died to have that freedom, you should be proud to take advantage of it. Every successful gay marriage is a slap in the face to all the people who said we couldn't/shouldn't. You don't have to make out in public and cause controversy because you're married, you just wear a ring. I may be a little blind to how peeps in the deep south are treated though, I'm just a peace loving Canadian eh lol...

    But anyways the bottom line is... You're going to have to talk to her about this. Have you told her why you're hesitant? How much longer are you in school? Have you considered a deadline for when you should say "I do" , or to call it quits?
     
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    Last edited: Mar 31, 2015
  3. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    Thank you so much for your response! It is not legal in my state to get married, and currently there is more controversy than ever about it. When it is legal, its a possibility that I could feel differently. I think with less controversy surrounding it, I would feel more comfortable getting married. To answer your other questions, I haven't dated many other women, I talked to a few girls when we were broken up, but no one really peaked my interest. I have not seriously dated another woman outside of her. I know that when we were broken up, I did think of her all the time and we stayed in contact with each other.

    We have talked about it, and she says she understands, but I just worry that she doesn't. I told her that yes I would like to get married, but not yet. And I've explained that I have no desire to be with anyone else. I think honestly its hard for me to look at marriage the way she does, just because of my past and my surroundings growing up, none of my family is still married to the same person. Two of my uncles have been married so many times that legally they cannot get married again in this state.

    I have about a year left in school, then I plan to apply for a year long program to further my degree. She knows my plans and fully supports the career I am going into. I think my deadline would be about two or three more years, for me personally. I just don't feel ready yet. Is this like "commitment issues" I hear people talk about all the time? Ugh..
     
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  4. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    Don't get married because you're scared you're going to lose her. Two years is still relatively early days.Getting married to prove you don't have commitment issues won't fix them. You love her, you're faithful to her, you don't want to go anywhere. Those are big important things.

    Although to me, having a child with someone is WAY more of a commitment than marrying them. You're tied to them for the rest of your life. There's no divorce from that.

    She probably has a deadline too for when she wants things to happen. That's understandable. At a certain age, there's no messing around.But, if you can't commit to marring her by 4 years together, then to me, maybe it's not a right fit.

    Take the time, figure out whats going on but don't jump down the isle if you're not ready. On the good side, it seems like you two have an open communication, which is so important.
     
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  5. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    Thank you aussie_gabby for your input!! I greatly appreciate it! That's exactly what I don't want to do, I don't want to rush myself down the aisle if I am not feeling truly ready. Having a child is a huge commitment, you are exactly right. I've wanted a child for a long time. I actually lost a child due to miscarriage years ago when I was married and it really took me a long time to grieve and get past it emotionally ( not sure how to word that, it still hurts of course, but I am not in a terrible depression over it anymore). Needless to say, I've been preparing for a few years now to be able to support myself and a child. I had not met my girlfriend yet, but I knew what I wanted and I've been working hard towards that goal. I'm a super strong independently minded woman, which I'm sure can be so difficult to deal with.

    I love that we have a good line of communication because I know how important it is. We are able to talk and at least share how we feel with one another even if the other person can't quite understand. I don't have a lot of friends, most of our friends are her friends. Most of my friends have moved and are all over the country so I appreciate everyone's input and not judging me for just trying to figure myself out lol. I'm a complex person and I constantly try to better my understanding of myself and be a better me. Thank you :)
     
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  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Two things -

    (1) Your marriage should be joyful, hopeful, secure. You should decide to marry your partner out of a desire to build something permanent and lasting, to solemnize and celebrate and grow the goodness that is there. If the idea of marriage makes you feel worried, afraid, insecure - maybe it's not the right time. And you don't want your marriage to start from a place of fear, even if in the end this is the right relationship for you. (And you don't have to get married now, or ever. Lots of people don't, and are lifelong partners. Lots of people do, and break up.)

    (2) Your ,marriage does not need to be public. It can be as simple as applying for a certificate with a few close friends. You don't even need the dumb certificate (though legal protection and tax breaks are no joke) - you can go have a picnic with your friends and loved ones, and stand up and make some promises before pie. Marriage is not about the performance of commitment (although the fluff and pageantry can be fun) - it's about the actual commitment that you are making. And you get to make that in the way that is safe, meaningful, and authentic for you.

    That said, I think you should wait, and (if it's a thing you guys can talk about), try to figure out what marriage is and means with your current girlfriend. Your hesitance could come from worry about your relationship, but it could pretty clearly also come from your past experiences with marriages - yours and others. Maybe by figuring out, concretely, what this partnership is make of and how it's different from your past experiences will help you feel safe and able to consider what long term looks like for you, and for you in this relationship.
     
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  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Great advice
     
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  8. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    Sure anytime :)
     
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  9. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    @lorienczhiu you always give the best thoughtful advice :)

    @Ooohwhatprettystars

    Given your circumstance with your state, family, and past. It's totally normal and practical that you would have these feelings about marriage. It's probably what will make you an awesome wife one day, you've thought about your partners feelings before yours... Some people don't have to date around to know they're the one. Heck, my brother married the first woman he dated in high school and 17 years later they're the perfect nuclear family... It sounds like you two have a good relationship going on. I do see your anxieties over marriage, but it also sounds like you've got a life plan in your head. Have you considered getting engaged? You can be engaged for years, at least then she can have the promises that engagement means and it's not written in stone until you're both ready to say your I do's.... Might be a good middle ground?

    But really from what you're saying, I wouldn't be too worried. As long as you two see a future with a kid together, just worry about the obstacles before you (school/finding a better state to live in for a job after school?) and everything will work out.
     
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  10. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    Thank you so much everyone for your great advice!! Engagement may be a good middle ground next year, you are exactly right! And I have thought about an actual wedding in my future, I know I would want it to be small, with just the few family and friends that we share and our Pom :) Can't get married without my sweet fluffball! Definitely want to get out of this state, its been very close minded all of my life. We are thinking sunshine Florida!
     
    #10
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