She's bi. Am I a horrible person?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Dalo, Mar 29, 2014.

  1. Dalo

    Dalo Well-Known Member

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    Long story short -

    I met this girl, we went on a few dates and hit it off. She clearly liked me and I liked her. We never really had a "sexual orientation talk" and didn't meet in a gay space. She was just a random girl I literally bumped into at a grocery store.

    A little while after we met, she eventually and very casually mentioned that she's bi. Now, I don't have a problem with bisexuals and I think all the silly stereotypes that say.."they cheat more", "they're greedy", "they'll leave you for a man" etc. are all complete bullshit. However, the thought of a woman I'm involved with having sex with a man, enjoying in and possibly having strong feelings for a man really repulses me. I've tried to get over it because I know it's stupid - she's interested in me now, her past/possible future shouldn't matter. I KNOW. But I can't help shake the feeling and it's a turn off.

    I really don't want to be "THAT" lesbian.
    How can I get over it? Is this worth trying to fix or should I just move on?
    Has anyone felt this way?
     
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  2. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Well, when you put it like that...it does sound a bit gross. Like my gf is bi and i have NEVER thought about her being with a dude...I mean I have never imagined her having sex with her previous bf's or what not as I would find that gross. But I don't think straight people imagine their partners having sex with other people either. I think it would be a bit gross for everyone to be honest. So yea, my gf is bi. I don't take any notice of it. So that means that I don't make a thing of it, I don't think of it. I never have. So an option for you is to to teach yourself or stop yourself from thinking about it. If you think you have the discipline to do that for a while until you forget that you used to have an issue with it, well then, you should be fine going forward.
     
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  3. carabella

    carabella Well-Known Member

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    *Breathes*
    There are a lot of bi-phobics out there, and in particular from WITHIN *our own community*. Which makes me mad, but I'll try and explain. Everyone has a past. Previous sexual partners, likes, dislikes etc etc. Some women like men. Some women like women. And some women, like me; like both.

    There's nothing conscious that makes bisexual women go from one gender to the other. For the majority of us, we fall for the person. The personality. The way they make us feel. And that includes sexually. Sex with someone is a huge part of a relationship for most people. It's a completely natural thing. And someone women who have intercourse with women, have also had it with men. Some enjoy neither, some prefer one over the other, some love both.

    My point - we're all different. And we all have a past. Don't let it get in the way of your future. There's nothing wrong with being Bi. We're born this way, the same as all our straight and LGBTQ brothers and sisters. Don't blame her for her past, she has a right to have one. As do you. You need to get over your bi-phobia.
     
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  4. scatterwave

    scatterwave Member

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    My gf was with a man for 3 years before me. I was hesitant to get involved with her because of it. Her being with a man was a major turn off, but I couldn't allow it to influence my decision; perhaps turning down a really good thing. I've been with her a little over a year now and, I admit, it still pops into my mind every now and then and repulses me in the way you described. I know my thoughts are irrational and I shake them off, because that's who she was, not who she is. As time passes and my love for her grows, those thoughts of her being with a man pop up less and less - I'm sure they're about ready to disappear! I just remind myself to live in the present and enjoy every bit of time I have with her, which pretty much nips those thoughts in the rear. I think what I've learned was that the real problem wasn't with her, but with me and my perception. Once you change your perception, it gets easier to stomach.
     
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  5. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    It's your own insecurities... if she's really into you and vice versa it shouldn't be a problem.

    I speak from my own experience. I'm bi, and my exgf was seriously insecure about me cheating on her with a man. I said it was ridiculous because I'm not even interested in anyone else, and isn't it the same as her cheating on me with a woman? She said it was different, but cheating is cheating. End of story.
     
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  6. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    Sundancer is correct, Dalo. Cheating is cheating. The issue YOU are having is typical. You are upset with the idea of her cheating on YOU with a man. "maybe you're not man enough for her". Its the same issue with gay men with bi-sexual men. Same thing with hetrosexual people when it happens to them. A friend of mine, he lost his fiancee to a women, devastated his ego. No different.

    So, get over that. You say one thing, but feel another. If she loves you, then fine.. go with it.

    There are two kinds of bi-girls in general. Those who want to have sex with both genders, whenever. And those who will be with who they want in a monogamous relationship, no matter the gender (pansexual). I've meet MANY bi-girls who WISH their BF would allow them to play with other girls. Which to me, is not respectful. Its like telling a gay person they must date the opposite sex... oh, not that bad.

    My wife was into girls since she was a pre-teen. Was even engaged to a woman, but was cheated on. I'm a bi-guy, we bumped into each other at a bar while I was having my drink - she was out looking to meet women. We liked each other and had sex, then got serious. My concerns for the first few weeks; would she leave me for a women, if so - than, we were not met to be, nothing more.

    Since I love her and trust her, she *IS* allowed to have sex with women, as I do with guys or women, vise-versa. But not behind each others back. If I am going out dancing, she knows it - we ask permission of each other. No, we don't do this everyday. We rarely do, actually and it keeps us honest. So yes, I've had to tell a woman "no", because my wife said so. She's had more sex with others than me since we got together and I am not jealous. And there is nobody that can steal me from her.

    If she wants a serious relationship with you, then take it at face value. Love is Love.
    I had to dump a guy because he was jealous of me being with women. I made a long post about bisexuality on this site to hopefully help lesbians with this issue.

    As a bi-sexual person, I see women and men as people. Both can be sex, ugly, cute, fun, smart, etc. Other than the bigotry from certain people, the love and problems in life are the same for all gender&sexual orientations.

    One of my bisexual friends has never cheated on her partner, man or woman. After a breakup, she's fair game to either gender.

    You said "the thought of a woman I'm involved with having sex with a man, enjoying it and having strong feelings for a man really repulses me". Think of how silly it is for a white man, who won't consider having sex with an ex-girlfriend because she's had sex with a black man, never-mind he himself has had sex with a black woman. - HOW stupid is that, now?


    Do you already consider this woman to be your girlfriend?
    If she breaks up with you, I doubt it would have anything to do with a penis.
     
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  7. Dalo

    Dalo Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for your input TADinUS.

    The fact remains (as you clearly showed in your post) - some bi people will always want to be sexually involved with both sexes on a somewhat regular basis. This is not a problem. However, for me, I could never get involved with a bi woman that needed this, but I'm fine otherwise. I've dated both bi and gay women - and my healthier relationships have all been with bi women. I've only ever been cheated on by a gay woman. I'm not worried about being left for a man or cheated on or whatever lol, it's just the sex bit that gets to me sometimes. I try to be very aware of creeping insecurities and a negative mindset. Generally, what I am however trying to understand is: if it is acceptable for people to itemize desirable characteristics in potential partners - e.g. tall, short, blonde, big brown eyes, full lips etc., why then is it "wrong" to desire or prefer a partner that is gay?

    I've recently met quite a few bi women that told me they DO NOT date bi men. What do you think about this? At what point (if any) can one differentiate simple preferences from "discrimination" when it comes to dating and relationships? Additionally, I don't really understand the comparison you made to interracial dating - it seems like a separate thing entirely. That issue stems from a deep rooted prejudice based on race. What you're comparing it to is based on sexual arousal, simply what turns me on and what doesn't. The thought of a penis around my woman is a turn off - that's all. It doesn't make me view her as "less valuable" or "ruined". I would never turn down sex with a beautiful woman I was attracted to just because she's bi.
     
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  8. Dalo

    Dalo Well-Known Member

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    carabella & scatterwave - yeah, you're completely right. I've come to realize and always remind myself that it's the "present and now" that really matters. Keeping this in perspective is key.

    Moses - awesome advice as per usual. Thanks.
     
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  9. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    By all means Dalo, its fine that about how you feel about penis. People have their hangups... which is kinda of like the racial thing. While its somewhat silly, its harmless fact of what effects your libido. Just as there are gay men who would puke if they had a vagina inches from their face.

    There are women who are grossed out by the thought of anyone doing anything orally to them (man or woman).

    why then is it "wrong" to desire or prefer a partner that is gay?
    Well, if person A is gay, it maybe helpful if person B is also?

    I've recently met quite a few bi women that told me they DO NOT date bi men. What do you think about this?
    Yeah, no reason why that doesn't happen. I've not meet such women - I will ask if given the chance. So you'll need to ask them. I've meet bi women who wished their BFs would allow them to be bisexual. And again, some of the bi-guys I know - have bi-sexual GF or boyfriends. There is so many variables involved, which I find very interesting and sometimes surprising. Hence, my philosophy that whatever consenting adults turns on are (no children or rape), each their own.

    I've had sex with a transexual whose still a "woman" once. I've had a post-op man (who was a cute girl a few years before) hit on me, in a non-gay bar. I couldn't wrap my head around that, we just had a good discussion and drank.

    Sorry, I'm not great at getting some of my ideas out sometimes. But if it comes across that I have ISSUES with you... I don't- I understand and respect where you are coming from. I'm trying to point out that there are so many factors of what people are attracted to. So many "fall in love" very easily... without really knowing the other person or what is clicking.

    In closing: being completely straight or gay would be simpler.
     
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