she want kids, and I don't..

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Linn, Apr 26, 2016.

  1. Linn

    Linn New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    3
    So, I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years and 6 months now. And yesterday we sat down and suddenly started talking about kids. Problem is, she can't picture her life without kids, and I don't want any. She just asumed I wanted kids because I love kids in general. I really do like kids, but I REALLY don't want any kids of my own.
    Now we find ourself stuck, because we can't come to any agreement about this.
    Please fellow lesbians, what can I do ?
    And no, this will not be like Calzone, I won't change my mind on this one....
     
    #1
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    Every once in a while there are things that can make or break a relationship, particularly when big life goals take us in completely different directions from the ones we love. You probably should have had the "kids" conversation before now because having (or not having) children is one of those situations where there really can be no compromise when two people disagree on what they want. Hindsight is 20/20 so you are left with having to deal with this now.

    I know a (straight) couple who recently adopted 2 children from Columbia. The husband did it because it's what the wife wanted and not what he wanted; and flash forward a few years and the relationship is a mess with resentment building on both ends.

    Kids are not something on which you can compromise because once you go down that road, you can't change your mind as now you've brought another (innocent) life into the mix. Having kids when one does not want children results in a complete life change -- it no longer belongs just to you, and you have to bend your life around the needs of a child. This breeds contempt and resentment particularly -- not only to her but toward any children -- if this was not in your life's plan. If you are steadfast and deny her the opportunity to have kids, then she'll be the one filled with resentment when she's feeling maternal and potentially loses her opportunity to start the family she's always wanted.

    For me -- I've known from a young age that I don't want kids. I'm far too selfish for one and career has meant more to me than being a mom. I have never felt like I wanted kids, nor do I need them to feel like my life is complete. I've also made this clear to those with whom I've been involved because I never wanted to give anyone the false impression that I'd be open to having kids someday.

    It's a lose-lose situation that really can only be fixed if one of you changes her mind. Otherwise, compromising on such a big decision may lead to bigger relationship issues down the road. Counseling might be an option, but the issue really is black and white. If your life's goals don't mesh with hers, the relationship will have major problems.
     
    #2
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2016
    rac and greylin like this.
  3. Linn

    Linn New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    3
    i know you're saying everything I'm thinking. It's just so hard to take that step. We talked last night that it wasn't fair of me to deny her kids, just as much as we shouldn't just be together because she wants them.
    All day long during work I've felt sick, I know the only result here, I just don't really like it that much. Having to be the person who says that this is over is rather hard.
    I guess we'll talk more about it tonight. Thanks by the way, it's great to have someone to just talk to.
    Much Love
     
    #3
    Nancy and Spygirl like this.
  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    Being one who has never wanted kids, I know exactly how you feel. I know that doesn't help...but I couldn't deny someone children or be happy in a relationship with kids because to an extent I know that it wouldn't be 100% honest.

    Good luck.
     
    #4
  5. Linn

    Linn New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    3
    Yes I know the feeling. For me it's always been about my work, I work 10 hours a day, and I'm really happy about that. I love my job, and in my future I only see my work, my dog and my cat, and a girlfriend of course. I want to be able to be free, not having to think about children. I understand that other want kids :)
     
    #5
    Spygirl likes this.
  6. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2016
    Messages:
    106
    Likes Received:
    118
    "Never say never", as they say. I see where you're coming from-loving kids in general is easier than loving your own kids. With kids, in general, you hug them and kiss them on the cheek and have a great laugh for the day but you know it's going to end and that you're not responsible for them.

    However, I really think that if you love her, perhaps have an open discussion (NOT an argument) and maybe start with a pet. If she still insists on having kids, you better break up withher because at this point og your life, you're content without them. Also-kids are a huge responsibility so it shouldn't be taken lightly which is why, if you don't want them, better tell her and break up. Otherwise you're just wasting both your time....
     
    #6
    Linn likes this.
  7. Linn

    Linn New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    3
    we haven't talked to each other for like 2 days now, the tension in our apartment right now is bad, like really bad. I can tell she's not mad at me, but rather more disappointed in me. It's really hard because I can't help how I feel about this, and of course she can't either.
    I'm not a big fan of talking about my feelings, actually i hate it so much.
     
    #7
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    1,504
    Likes Received:
    618
    Talking is the only way out of passive aggressive hell.
     
    #8
    rac, Spygirl and Bluenote like this.
  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    Wtf does she have to be disappointed about? You aren't obligated to want kids. Way too many kids have parents who didn't want them, which is a shit thing to do to a kid. It's way better for all involved to be honest 'I don't want kids, I don't want to have a kid to save my relationship and wind up resenting it, I don't want my kid to grow up feeling like a burden.'

    You are being honest and mature about your feelings. I am not really sure what there is to talk about with her, I mean, there isn't compromise on 'I want/ I don't want' kids.
     
    #9
    rac and Spygirl like this.
  10. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2016
    Messages:
    106
    Likes Received:
    118

    Talking about our feelings gives us the idea of being weak. We're not weak-we're vulnerable but this vulnerability is not necessarily a bad thing. More like owing who you are. You can't change yourself for others' sake. If kids are not on your table right now, I really suggest you two break up.
     
    #10
  11. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2014
    Messages:
    488
    Likes Received:
    484
    Yeah...I'm really sorry but this isnt the kind of thing you should negotiate on. As @Spygirl put it, even if you do there's large pitfalls in the future and the anxiety and resentment alone aren't worth it.
     
    #11
    Bluenote and Spygirl like this.
  12. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    I disagree on the starting with the pet notion too...having a pet doesn't compare to having a child. I LOVE my dogs but there is no way that I'd ever want to have kids.
     
    #12
    Bluenote likes this.
  13. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2014
    Messages:
    488
    Likes Received:
    484
    As a mother of 2 cats I can state with 100% certainty that it it exactly like having a pair of toddlers who never grow up. Not any indication as to whether you'd love a child in the same way but very good preparation for the tantrums, pickiness about food, likelihood of having zero idea what they actually want when they shout at you randomly...
     
    #13
    aussie_gabby and Bluenote like this.
  14. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    You forgot the bit about finding random puke in weird places, them wanting treats before dinner, being woken up at all hours and the dreaded 'stay away from catnip' conversation.
     
    #14
  15. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2014
    Messages:
    488
    Likes Received:
    484
    And the "why would you bite your sister?", "I'm on the phone, will you please behave for 3 minutes" and "please stop trying to teach your toys to swim in the water bowl" conversations. If you can cat wrangle you can kid wrangle with ease

    (sorry OP for the hijacking )
     
    #15
    Bluenote likes this.
  16. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    Ah but you misunderstand me....a puppy is like a toddler, temper tantrums and all. But puppies you can leave without getting child protective services called on you. Perhaps I misspoke. Whether puppies or cats compare to children are one thing...the notion of thinking a puppy or cat might make someone who doesn't want children to suddenly want children is a huge stretch. I'll keep my temper-tantrum throwing constantly needy puppy. I NEVER want kids and no amount of puppies will ever make me change my mind.
     
    #16
    Bluenote likes this.
  17. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2014
    Messages:
    301
    Likes Received:
    257
    Look I understand this probably better than most people. I broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago or exactly this problem. She wanted kids and I didn't. We were just about to move interstate.

    She is a good and decent person but at the end of the day she wanted kids.

    Sure maybe you'll change your mind. Maybe I will. But I couldn't do that to her. The problem is, what if I get a few years down the track when it's time and I haven't changed my mind.

    It's been a really rough time but I knew it was the right decision.

    People keep saying to me "maybe you'll change your mind" but again what if I don't. And that was when I knew she needed to find someone who will give her everything she wanted. And well, I don't know what age you are but I'm 30. I'm pretty sure by this age if I was going to change my mind I should of.

    I know it's tough but you really need to think about the what if I don't change my mind situation.
     
    #17
    Bluenote and TheScandinavian like this.
  18. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2016
    Messages:
    106
    Likes Received:
    118
    You know, I salute you for breaking up with her. Also, you could be an example of a woman, being complete WITHOUT having kids. Sure, some women do change their mind but some don't and I personally liked how you emphatized on that fact :)
    If I were in a such situation I'd break up with her, whoever she might be-like I just turned 21 (literally) and it's way too early for me to even consider it. But to each their own-some just are born mothers, others learn to like motherhood later on while some don't even embrace it. Conclusion-one shall think of themselves first :) Personal happiness is important and it shouldn't be neglected :)
     
    #18
    Spygirl and Emm like this.
  19. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2015
    Messages:
    93
    Likes Received:
    188
    I have to agree with the other posters who say children vs no children is a deal breaker. 100%!
    This one is too big to compromise on and it will result in one person in the relationship feeling resentment and unhappiness. It just is not fair to either partner, and it certainly is not fair to any children who could potentially have a parent who did not want them!

    Remember that neither person is lacking or unreasonable for wanting what she wants or doesn't want. It really is OK to want children, and it is equally OK to know that you do not want them. It also should never be expected that a person is going to change on this, especially if she says that she is sure.

    Sadly, love between two people is not always enough to overcome all obstacles in a relationship. This is one of the big ones. I am so sorry that you are facing this because it is really hard to let go of a big love when something so important cannot be reconciled.

    Now, with that being said, I am a bit of a "hypocrite" here, because I am saying "do as i say, not as i do." This is very personal to me and my life because, full disclosure, I faced this same issue with my life's big love and it turned out quite differently.

    I was the one who never wanted children. Never, forever it was never. I fell in love with a woman twenty years ago (1996!). She always wanted children. We had an incredible, passionate connection. And we were both broken-hearted over this one issue. We were together for 4 years and never moved in together because we could not resolve this issue. (BTW, that is unusual in the lesbian community, to live in the same town, 10 mins apart, and own separate homes, and just date each other exclusively for 4 years! Other couples questioned us all the time!)

    We cried, a lot, about it. We went to couples therapy.

    Finally, my partner declared in couples counseling that she would rather be in this relationship and never have children than to lose this love and find a partner who wants children. I did not believe her, and more importantly, I did not want her to lose out on something she wanted so badly just to be with me. I could not bear that level of responsibility for her happiness and I did not want her to resent me ever. She insisted that she had done all of her soul-searching and that she was at peace with her decision.
    So, after four years, we finally got engaged, moved in together, got married, and started in on our newly-wed, blissful life together.
    A year and a half after the wedding, late one night the phone rang on my nightstand. It was one of my family members, explaining a crisis in my family and the need to place two small children for an indefinite period of time. immediately This was a family matter, a crisis....MY family. These were little children, ages 5 and 7, who were already here on earth, children whom I already loved from birth, that we did not bring here, who needed help. Right Now. I hung up the phone and turned to my wife, "I think we have children."
    Life went full-speed ahead at that point. Our little condo, our haven, was sold and we purchased a three bedroom home with a big yard, and our lives centered around two little children who needed stable, loving parents to help them cope with all they had been through so young. We jumped into all of it because they needed someone...us. We also fell in love with them, and they with us. We did not know at the time that we would end up raising them into adulthood, but we did. They have left the nest now. They are 22 and 21 at this time. And we are back to being just us and the dog! Our lives changed forever that day of the phone call, for the better, ultimately. I believe theirs did too.

    It was really hard on all of us, though. My wife likes to say that she knew she was making the right choice when she chose me...she ended up getting everything she hoped for...Me and Children! It was incredible that they came from my side of the family when I was the one who never wanted to have children!.....Seriously, what lesbians have children accidentally??? For real?

    Now, please understand, I would NEVER recommend that anyone do this the way that we did! I stand by what I said at the top of this post. For us, due to fate, responsibility, and an incredibly strong love between us, it all worked out. But it was not easy, although I would make the same decision today, when my love said she would marry me anyway...and then, when my phone rang, saying these two precious souls needed parents.

    You have to follow what you know to be best for you, and to always be true to you.....but Watch Out, because sometimes life does change your plans!
     
    #19
    Estra, Spygirl, Gyldenragg and 2 others like this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice