She says "I need to focus on myself"

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by alphabet, Sep 11, 2015.

  1. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    I know that some people interpret this at face value and other times it just means they aren't that into you. Here's what happened. I guess I am wondering if I did something wrong or was an asshole and just don't see it.

    We have been friends for over a year, but mainly would text or chat. We met through mutual friends by the way. All of our conversations have been pretty deep. Prior to recently we hadn't spent much time together in person due to work and not always being in the same city. Last winter we went to an art exhibit and I was surprised when she randomly told me some pretty personal stuff about her family. We have always talked very openly and confided in each other.

    I didn't ask her out though because of the not being in the same place or time and I wasn't sure if she was queer. Turns out that she has started to explore that side of herself and started dating a girl. She would often talk to me about their relationship because it was very rocky. I tried to be a good friend because I know how hard it can be to come out -- especially to a traditional family. They broke up in May. She told me she wasn't interested in dating anyone or even sleeping with anyone for awhile because of that.

    She was moving to a new city to start a new job and I offered to fly up to help her. I felt bad that she was going through such a hard time and she didn't have anyone else, plus moving sucks. I went up there and spent a lot of time and money helping her. The last night I was there she started asking me what my real motivation was to come there. I told her I didn't have one other than what I already had said. She kept pressing me and finally I admitted that I found her attractive and wanted to sleep with her. She said it was cool but the next day gave me the silent treatment. After I returned home she emailed me to tell me she didn't trust me anymore and felt that I had betrayed her. She said I knew she wasn't emotionally available right now.

    I never made a move on her and we slept in the same bed for a week. I def respect woman and mutual consent. Plus, I know she is going through a bad breakup so I wasn't looking to change our relationship from more than friends.

    After not speaking to me for about a week she emailed me again to tell me that she isn't ready to continue our relationship, and wasn't trying to hurt me. She said it was about her and doing what was best for her and focusing on herself.

    What did I do wrong? I hate to lose a friend and I would never want to disrespect her but I don't know what I did that messed this up.
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You didn't do anything wrong. She's a pita, move on. She is not ready to date, but had to turn it into this drama thing. She wasn't so principled about your motivations before you helped her move, or during. No she got all high and mighty after, how convenient.

    She doesn't want to date anyone right now and that is ok. She doesn't want to lead you on and that is ok. But the 'I can't be in this friendship' is a bit too dramatic.
     
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  3. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for that. I always try to do the right thing and never want to hurt others. I honestly thought our friendship was deeper than this. I am surprised that she is treating me like this. Though if I really had to think about it I am not surprised based on her history of bad relationships (including friends). Part of the reason I felt bad for her was that her roommate backed out of their lease at the last minute. They were also best friends and don't speak anymore. The girl ended up in a different apartment but on the same street! I guess it should have been a warning sign about her that she is constantly having issues with friends or lovers.

    I would like to work it out or is that foolish?
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think that it is foolish.

    She has a history of issues with people. The lease thing is a big red flag. If she has problems with lots of friends and gfs, she is probably going to have issues with you. Well, actually, she is having issues with you. I suggest you move on and find yourself a drama free woman who actually lives in the same state.

    You seem like a nice person who tries to help others and think about their point of view. You should be able to find a decent, stable, not drama queen gal who lives near by. Set your bar a little higher than a woman who is always in conflict and needs "rescued." You deserve better.
     
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  5. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like you were just being a great friend. You went and helped her with moving. For anyone who has ever had to move, just the thought of having to move makes you shudder.

    Seems like she has a pattern of losing contact with friends.

    It's ok to have a crush on a friend. It happens. She seemed determined to get it out of you. Sometimes you kind of know when someone's crushjng on you. But if you didn't act on it I don't know what she's on about. A good friend would just ignore it or tell you nicely she doesn't feel that way about you.

    If she doesn't want to be friends with you then it might be for the best. Stay away from women who create unessesary drama.
     
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  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    It's her issue...and here's what makes me say that:

    You -- from another city hops a plane to help her move because "she didn't have anyone else." I'm thinking this girl has never had a really good friendship to understand what a really good friend actually is. Compound that with trust issues -- that she pressed and pressed and pressed for you to give her a reason as to why you were helping her tells me that she was looking for any excuse to push you away. Think about it...she might've known you were crushing -- but to force it out of you when you've done nothing wrong or even remotely crossed a line? Her actions aren't for anything you did -- but I would suspect that getting close to anyone must freak her the hell out. Intimacy? She won't let it happen (and when I use the term intimacy I don't always mean romantic intimacy). Or, maybe she doesn't know how to deal with people who are genuine? Her own fears are driving her to act out against anyone who attempts to be close.

    I've had friends crush on me before, but once I put it out there that there wasn't any interest on my part -- it became a non-issue. I never felt it necessary to end the friendship except in one circumstance where I had to tell someone "look if you're being friends with me because you expect things to change one day, then you're wasting your time." To this day, I'm still friends with some of those friends..who've moved on and are in happy relationships themselves.

    You did nothing wrong. And I respect that you always put the friendship first.
     
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  7. Toni

    Toni Well-Known Member

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    Maybe I am crazy to think that this girl might actually need someone in her life to make her understand that not everybody runs away with the first or second sign of trouble.

    That being said I don't think you should let yourself be 'pushed' around - if you want to be friends with her let her know that if she wants to reach out after sorting out her thoughts that she has a friend in you - if you are ready to be that. That way the ball is in her court, and you let go and move on. If she does comes back you take it from there, but I say this with slapping a warning label on "Don't get your hopes up" it might not happen or it might take a very long time for her to come around.

    She does seem like she has confided alot in you and she might not take so lightly on whom she trusts in her life.
    She might be a HSPerson or just in emotional situations can overreacts to things easily as she isn't thinking clearly. I'm not saying that is an excuse to treat people a certain way though.

    She wanted to know your motives for helping. She probably couldn't believe anyone who does a grand gesture like that's not hoping for something in return. You said after pressure you found her attractive and wanted to sleep with her after having shared bed with her for almost a week. She might have held a pokerface saying I am okay with this, but I don't think she was ready for the truth. Even if she somehow knew it.

    From her point of view she might say she needs time to focus on herself because she is trying to avoid added drama in her life. I get the feeling that she might be a little confused and like I said before probably overwhelmed by everything that is going on in her life. But then again I might be wrong.

    I'm not sure if she is moving to a brand new city and she grew up where she moved from, but most of the time when a person moves to a different place all by themself, they will get to know themselves better and have personal growth along the way - hopefully for her this will be the case too.
     
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  8. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I would agree with this except...maybe its the girl pushing people away -- not people running away from her. Indeed, if the original poster wants to keep the friendship, then I agree with your advice. :)
     
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  9. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    First, thank you everyone. And yes I think you were right about this, because she did say something like "oh I figured that's what it was"...even though I have sworn until my face was blue that sex was not a goal of mine. She is a very objectively attractive person and gets hit on a lot. I forgot to mention that a few months ago one of her good guy friends confessed to having feelings for her. She was really upset about it because she had confided in him about things such as her relationship problems with her gf (now ex). I don't think what I said was the same thing that he was saying either.

    I agree with what y'all were saying though I felt as if she was looking for a reason to push me away the whole time. Normally, we talk a lot but even while I was there she was kinda distance. I was confused because I was excited to spend more time together in person.

    I can't help but feel used a bit because I flew up there and I also paid for things like the rental car and I scrubbed her apartment from top to bottom since it was so dirty. It's just frustrating and in a way I feel betrayed too. I counted on her for her friendship as well and also confided in her about things. We used to talk daily.

    Also yeah she is moving to a new city but she spent last summer there at like an internship. So she does know a few people because she is returning to the same work place now. Maybe it's lame but I really wanted to help her and protect her cause i care about her and I didn't want her to go through a hard time alone on top of moving.
     
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  10. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Don't beat yourself up...you did what any good friend would do, period. I know what it's like to be the friend that gets the 3am call that someone's car is broken down, and I'm the one to go fix things.....but then when I need something, that friend is never there.

    Don't change who you are as a person because someone doesn't appreciate you. You've been respectable and above board and well, she's the one losing here by pushing you away.
     
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  11. Toni

    Toni Well-Known Member

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    Spygirl, you guys are right that she might be someone pushing people away, although there might be a good reason to why she does that which is why I also mention what I did. I meant it when I said that she shouldn't keep her hopes up if she decides to say to this girl that she would like to keep the friendship when the girl is ready for it. If there is a chance, I just felt like I needed to put it out there. :)

    You see, I've had someone push me away when I was living in a new place, she wasn't ready for new friendship at that time although we did have several deep conversations. She's an introvert - so she doesn't really take the time of day to do shallow converstations. Was I confused about my motives from time to time about being her friend back then - yes.
    It was during the years I moved away from home for the first time, but like OP I wasn't looking for anything but friendship. I wasn't even ready for anything else than friendship. In her case it was the fact that she did not have it in her to befriend new people having so many moving away and her losing touch with them as she is a very emotional invested friend. Which all I could do back then was to say that even if I move I would not want to lose her friendship, but I let go of the idea that we would become good friends. I suppose in my case I was lucky because she is a very reflective woman who know herself very well and with time she came around and I wouldn't trade our time or conversations that we've had over the years for anything in the world. Sometimes it is worth putting it out there.

    Alpabeth, I get why you feel upset. You put a lot in this and I am in no way justifying her actions or saying that you have been doing something wrong. One thing to keep in mind though is that it was your choice to do what you did regarding opeing up your wallet and help out her in this situation, hopefully she'll pay you back for the rental car at least. And for what it is worth I think it was great that you were honest with her - although the outcome now is that she doesn't seem to handle it well. But I am sure you and your mutual friends has known her for a while enough to know if she is someone that takes advantage of these situations, creates drama out of everything or if she is actually confused and overwhelmed with everything that is going on in her life. I am sure you'll make the right decision for yourself.

    And like Spygirl says up there: She's the one losing out if she doesn't see that she has a good friend standing infront of her. ;)
     
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  12. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    Thank you. I am going to let it be for now. She asked me if I say I respect her wishes to show her that I respect her. We are seeing each other next month because of mutual friends situation. I hope that we can reconnect then, or at least it will not be awkward.
     
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  13. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I had a friend who was attractive and got hit on a lot. I really liked her but not that way and thought I we could talk to each other. She was also in a relationship. Then she all of a sudden started to accuse me of being into her to explain why I was so friendly. I tried explaining but she didn't seem to buy it so I shut everything down for a while. She later apologized after many months and seemed like she wanted to be friends again. But she was still skittish so I just let it go. It was never going to be like it was before the confrontation and I think in a way we had both missed the friendly exchange we had. I had searched my soul to see if I were vibing around her. She was attractive but not someone I would want anything other than friendship with.

    I guess it is the bane for a pretty woman to be pretty and people don't notice other things about her. Your friend really took it out on the wrong person that is you. Your silence from now on will hopefully allow her some quiet reflection. While your friendship may or may not resume one day hopefully she will be able to take your kindness as a mark for what real friendship is and have a more fulfilling life. People depend on others and what you did for this person is not wasted in a universal sense in my opinion and certainly very admirable.
     
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  14. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    Thanks. It's certainly hard not to feel down on yourself when a situation like this happens. I also forgot to say that me finding her attractive should have been of zero surprise to her. She used to text me selfies almost everyday and I would text back things like "cutie" or "sexy". The week before I went up there we talked about sex, and without being raunchy I think it was again pretty obvious.

    I enjoy flirting but that doesn't mean I would assume sex is happening or require it in return for doing a favor.
     
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  15. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Think no more of it, you did not do anything wrong and you didn't carry any expectations. I have seen women who flirt and flirt with gay girls and when they do get a response then they go, "Ah-ha I knew you were into me and that is why you were nice to me all along."

    It is more disappointing than anything when that happens. I hope you find some peace with this and stop trying to find fault with yourself when it is not there. I wonder why she needed to announce the fact that she was focusing on herself when that was all she has been doing all along. :p
     
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  16. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    Thanks. I am sensitive so I take things to heart. I confided in her too and relied on her friendship. I think perhaps the amount of intimacy we encountered that week was too much for us, since we never had spent that much time in person. I'm realizing now that I didn't know her that well. I can't help but feeling a bit sad though to end our relationship, when I don't really understand what happened. I'm glad that it appears I didn't actually do anything wrong. We can't control other people or always understand their actions, but it still stings nevertheless.
     
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  17. Toni

    Toni Well-Known Member

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    If you two were to continue having a friendship if that is still something you would want down the line, clearly you two would have to set some boundries based on the new information you provided.

    It does seem like with you two having mutual friends a talk might be needed in the future and hopefully you'll get past it so it won't be the: "Is she coming? 'cause if she is, I'm not" situation whenever your friends tries to get everyone to hang out.

    Sometimes our sensitivity can be our worse enemy with the thoughts spinning insides our head. I am sure most of us has been there thinking: "What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Why did I do that?"

    It blows when we don't get the answers we think we need to be able to move on from a situation, and so instead we punish ourselves. It's easy for an outsider to say: "Don't. Move on." Even it is the right answer, emotionally it can take much longer to process everything to be able to let go. Meanwhile while you are doing your processing, do something that is good for you. Go do what you normally enjoy doing like i.e go out and take a long walk, run, hang our with friends, read a book, watch a comedy, listen to music, sing, dance and be silly. Anything that makes you feel good. You deserve it! :)
     
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  18. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    No you are right Toni. If we ever become friends again we should definitely talk about what is okay and what is not. Because we do have mutual friends...I did have some information that supported her also liking me back. But, even still I wasn't trying to hook up that week though lines were blurred a bit.

    I think that self-care is a very hard thing to do. And in some sense I can support her choice, if she thinks taking a step back is what is best for her. I know she is feeling overwhelmed with all the new changes in her life. I work at a non-profit that works with homeless folks so I spend a lot of time focused on solving others problems or trying to assist them. I often forget to take care of myself. I appreciate your reminder and the positive feedback from this community.
     
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  19. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    @alphabet - thank you for the good and important work that you do.
     
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