She never wants to have sex.

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by mindofagemini, Jun 7, 2017.

  1. mindofagemini

    mindofagemini New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2017
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    6
    Before getting into a lot of details I'm just gonna let you know what my issue is and what I'm asking: My girlfriend rarely wants to have sex. I've talked to her about it at least three times because it makes me feel super insecure and sad. I feel like she's not attracted to me and that I'm more into her than she is me. I feel like an important part is missing from our relationship. I feel less close to her and sometimes I find myself thinking "we're like friends who kiss". Sometimes I don't think about it and at other times I'm reminded of it and feel sad and start feeling angry at her. It's not just that we don't have sex that often, I also touch and kiss her way more than she does me. There's almost no intimacy or romance. And when I get into all these thoughts I don't tell her what's wrong because we've already had the conversation several times. I don't know what to do about it. The last two times we discussed the subject there was a definite change but after about a week or two it was back to the same old. The last time I asked her if there was anything I could do or if this was just how it was gonna be. She agreed that it would make us feel closer and told me that this wasn't how it was gonna be. But...it is. Should I talk to her about it over and over? How can I approach this differently? I try to initiate sex but we only have sex when she initiates it. I feel like sex is a burden for her. Not something enjoyable we can share.
    I feel like our relationship is really great otherwise. I know she's in it. If it was up to her we got married and had kids, like, now. And I want these things for us. But I can't be in a sexless relationship. If we have sex like once a month or every other month now, what's it gonna be like a year from now? Five years from now?
    I know it's easy to conclude that maybe she's just not that into me and I definitely feel that at times - which I've told her. It makes her cry and she feels bad for making me feel that way since it's not true. She sometimes tells me she feels I'm out of her league.
    There's a lot of things that we've talked about or I've thought about that can play a part in our issues. Some more info:
    I've been with my girlfriend for 9 months (before that we were together for about 7 months and were apart for about a month before getting back together - just to let you know we've known each other for some time now) and sex has been an issue for the most part of the relationship. In the beginning we both felt super awkward, which I guess is normal but we almost only had sex when we were drunk.
    Btw, we're both 25 years old. She is my first real relationship and I'm her first girlfriend - before me she had only been in relationships with guys. We had both almost exclusively had sex with guys beforehand and definitely had a lot of insecurities about having sex with a woman (and for me - the first person I slept with I actually cared about). That has changed and when we do have sex it's great for both of us and it only gets better.
    I've never really had issues with sex other than sleeping with men in the hopes of figuring out that I was in fact not gay. Oh well. For my girlfriend I know sex has always been an issue. Sex was painful and now she sees that it could also be because she isn't straight. She's told me how she would avoid sex and kinda make jokes or "fight" instead.
    I'm thinking maybe she's just so used to sex not being enjoyable or making jokes in romantic moments that she doesn't know how to just be there with me. But on the other hand I feel like that would change now that sex is a good thing.
    I just don't know what to do anymore. Talking about it doesn't seem to help. Showing her I want her and that I'm attracted to her doesn't either.
    I almost forgot something! I know she also have a lot of insecurities about her body. In the beginning she never wanted to have sex if the lights were on or if it was light out, but I keep telling her I love her body and that she shouldn't worry about that. Having sex in the light is not an issue anymore but I do think her issues with her body is still a problem.
    Sorry this was super long! What should I do? Is this just not "fixable"?
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,148
    Likes Received:
    963
    That is so rough what you are going through. You are right about the "fixable" in quotes because there is nothing wrong with either of you. It sounds like you are just incompatible in that department. The thing I would do is to try to get a counselor to talk it through just in case there isn't some miscommunications or misunderstandings on what you want and how you want it with each other. As you have said, the first time was awkward so some things, mainly communications may need lubrication and drinking is so not the way to do it.

    Other than boosting your communication by counseling, I would try to find her the most comfortable setting and just do everything besides sex. So there is not this expectation like, okay, after this massage, there will be sex. Turn all the lights off and touch and kiss her and tell her that is all you want to do. Then gently dial up the light over time and admire her body while doing all the above, and when you are done, cuddle. Try this for a while and maybe she will open up and tell you what feels good and what doesn't. For your own needs, if you are comfortable with it, ask her to hold you while you diy. Perhaps trying things like this there is a coming together. You are telling her how you love her body and also you can show her what you need.

    Your relationship is very young and I suppose some people would find this incompatibility and just bolt but I understand you want to give it a chance. You love her and you want to be able to work on a way to stay together. Ultimately, if nothing works, and you are not compatible then it just may not work all together and staying together would only build resentment.

    P.S. I would like to add a more positive note to this. Though compatibility is important, and sometimes it is about a big part like sex and others could be as little as who does the dishes; you are here asking for advice because you want to give this a chance. Maybe you can learn to love her as she wants to be loved and see how it develops. The suggestions I made are so that she knows through your actions that she is a beautiful woman, it is not press to her buttons so she will put out. My gf and I had to work through some things and it is after a few years that I can truly say that she ..cue the song...makes me feel like a natural woman. Take this as your journey to learn to love each other with some obstacles, relationships are not always forever, but I never felt like I have lost anything investing in loving someone. Even when things have not turned out, the good and the bad will just be a part of who I am and as I am already in the new, new, new middle age, I accept and love who I am. I know by doing so, I have more to give my current partner.

    P.P.S. Check out Sex Nerd Sandra, google her podcasts, she has some good technical advice.
    https://sexnerdsandra.com/about/
     
    #2
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2017
    Gentry, Narley and Nancy like this.
  3. mindofagemini

    mindofagemini New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2017
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    6
    I think your suggestions are really great. The last time we had the talk she told me that sometimes she'll feel like having sex but don't know how to initiate it or is thinking that since I have to get up early I probably rather want to sleep. I do think there's a lot of insecurities she's not letting me in on but I'm also nervous that if her insecurities went away nothing would change in that department. And how long should I wait around to find out.
    I'm gonna talk to her again and try to keep the dialog open from there, so it doesn't just slowly go back to how it is now. I really want us to figure this out. I think trying to do more romantic stuff where there's no pressure for it to turn into sex is a really great idea. Because I think she has difficulties relaxing in those situations and that might help. I'm gonna try to communicate more about it again and try new things. I'll have to ask her again if she just doesn't want to have sex that often, because the last time she told me she also wanted sex to be a bigger part of the relationship.
    I also think that you're right about us maybe not being compatible. I guess that is what makes me sad about it too. It's difficult when I don't have any previous relationships to compare it to. But I also know that feeling rejected and unattractive at times in a relationship isn't good for anybody. She shouldn't feel pressured to have sex more than she feels like and I shouldn't feel unwanted in bed.

    Yeah. We've had other issues and we've worked through them. The first time around our relationship was bad most of the time but now it's really great (apart from the sexy stuff). And I believe you have to at least try to work through the obstacles instead of just running away. Not to get all wise but I definitely think that's a big problem in our society today. I never believed our relationship could be like this when we broke up. We have so much fun and we can tell each other everything. So I think it's worth it to keep trying. I just need a new set of eyes on the subject and someone else to talk to about it.
     
    #3
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2017
    greylin and Nancy like this.
  4. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2014
    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    134
    Ok so I've been pondering whether to reply or not to reply. But after speaking with my fiancé I think actually I should. Firstly for the sake of honesty. We have exactly the same problem in our relationship. In fact so much so that when I showed her your post, she said "I could have written that" and I completely agree. She could have :/, in fact for a brief split second when I first read it, I wondered if she had! Our situation is similar but what differs is time frame and also the fact that we are trying to keep our communication on the topic as open as possible.

    EDIT: also just to clarify that I completely agree with Greylin, you need to make sure to rule out any other issues with counselling, I know neither me or my fiancé have issues with sex or the act in general. But your gf may not be the same. In that sense take my point of view as based purely on the dynamics of my own relationship.

    So I'd like to reply with my point of view on why it's an issue for us as a couple, and our understanding of each other and how we're working on meeting each other's expectations in the relationship. And yes this is a work in progress! We have not got the answers! And I'm not suggesting our way is the answer for you as a couple. But if in anyway I can help shed light on your gf's mindframe as someone who is in her situation. I'd love to try! Because for starters I do actually believe she loves you very much, and yes the relationship is young, but if you click on everyway except for sex, sex is one thing you can work on. It's also the thing MOST couples will struggle with so you are Not alone. Don't let any fairytale Hollywood blockbuster convince you otherwise!
    in regards to my own relationship, we've had many long conversations and come to the conclusion that we express and like to receive love in very different ways. My fiancé is very physical in both how she likes to receive and give love. For her it's all about our emotional connection. As for me, I'm a doer, I'm the practical person who goes off and builds gardens or cooks meals, my way of showing love is to provide and care. It's what comes most naturally to me. And this is where the communication has to come in, we're both having to LEARN what makes each other complete. As well as recognise the different expressions of love that we show each other.
    And yes I would love to have sex more often but it's so hard to turn that practical brain of mine off sometimes. The brain that's worked out that it's 22:45 and we've got to get up at 6:30, oh and I still haven't made lunch packs for us tomorrow or showered and by the time it's done it'll be even later. Meanwhile my fiancé is calculating how long it's been since we were last intimate. It's hard! Because as greylin says, neither of us is wrong, we're just wired differently.
    I love my fiancé, I'm IN love with my fiancé, she's beautiful and the light of my life, and yes I find her very attractive and often even just touching her turns me on (tmi?) but she still relates to everything you said, and she feels the same insecurities. I don't know if that's a comfort to you, but I feel like it should be.
    So what do we do to try and bridge our differences. Well practically we have times where we work on expressing our love the way our partner does. So instead of me being doer, I initiate any physical contact, I try to turn off my practical brain and she turns her's on. We also write a list of things that the other person did during the day/week that we loved we try to be open with each other, not in a frustrated kind of way, because the one thing I do know is that putting pressure on each other does NOT help the sex life. I have to head off to work now but I hope that helps :)
     
    #4
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2017
    greylin likes this.
  5. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2014
    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    134
    sorry that ended so suddenly! I literally had to run off to work. Also I hope you don't mind the long novel. As greylin said. It's rough and not a simple issue
    I just wanted to clarify a few more things and it's things in my relationship that we are still working on, one being communication. Not the "I'm upset and frustrated so I'm going to express my feelings" kind because that would make anyone upset and is not the best place emotionally to deal with a long standing issue in relationships.

    If you can, try to open up the conversation about sex and also expressions of love in a non-pressure environment.
    Go for walk, or sit down in a private park over a cup of coffee, make it a partnership rather than a confrontation. Also before you do all this, Be sure to think about how she expresses her love to you. Start writing it down, even the littlest things like washing dishes or opening doors. And show your appreciation for them, view them not for the deeds but the meaning behind it. And then ask her what about your actions make her feel the most special, compare and figure out TOGETHER what makes the other tick. This isn't a conversation about sex it's about love and expressions.

    Also KEEP being open, it takes two to tango. You NOT talking about it because it's been talked about before, won't help fix things. This is going to be a ongoing situation.

    I'm sorry if that's not the answer you wanted to hear but it's a realistic one. And I'd love for it not to be an Ongoing problem in my own relationship! The fact of the matter is, Love takes work and commitment. Every relationship is going to have these ongoing/reoccurring issues. It's how you handle them together that makes or breaks relationships. We are different beings and those differences often can be weaknesses but they also work out to be strengths. My fiancé and I actually make a great team, personality wise we compliment each other, her strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa. Also She's my best friend and knows me better than anyone in this world. So it's worth that time and commitment.
    I think rather than sex you need to work on how to open up the love dialogue between the two of you, once you're both in a place you can comfortably talk to each other about things the easier it will be to talk about sex or lack thereof :) sorry for the long reply again but I hope it's been a bit clearer
     
    #5
    mindofagemini and greylin like this.
  6. mindofagemini

    mindofagemini New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2017
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    6
    I'm so glad you decided to reply! It was very comforting and made me look at this in a completely different way. Because I do know that she loves me very much and finds me attractive. But it's easy to start feeling otherwise when you don't feel wanted. After reading your reply I immediately thought, I'm doing most of the cooking and cleaning - she's not doing anything! But after your second message I could see how this issue isn't the "real" problem. I started to notice the things she actually does to make me feel good. When I get into that place of feeling unwanted and insecure, I don't really notice those things. I also think your suggestion about talking about these things when I'm not feeling upset is a very good idea. And not talking about the issue like she's doing something wrong. Because I think that puts even more pressure on her and it's not helping any of us. She feels like she has to have sex with me soon after and I find it difficult to feel good because I'm thinking "does she really want this or is she just trying to please me?".

    Today I told her something she did that I really like (non sexual) and it made her really happy. Your message really got me thinking about a lot of stuff, it was very helpful. So comforting! I get hung up on the things she doesn't do and I think it's because she doesn't care about me. But she does a lot of stuff that I don't do. And I like cooking for her, so it's so silly that that is something I can get hung up over too. So realizing that has helped me a lot.
    Me and my gf talk a lot about our feelings and I guess that has made me believe that we communicate well about our relationship but we don't do that as often as we used to. So I'm gonna start doing that more. I think that might "solve" the issue since I probably won't feel as insecure. She's good at telling me she loves me but it's easy for me to overhear that when I'm focusing on how she's not touching me.
    Talking about what we like when the other person does is a great idea too. Focusing on the positive and what we're both doing "right" will make this issue a lot smaller. For me at least. And remembering this is a team effort and not something my gf needs to change.
    Thank you!
     
    #6
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2017
    Gentry, greylin, Nancy and 1 other person like this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice