She made a dating profile looking for guys...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Carmile, Mar 14, 2014.

  1. Carmile

    Carmile Member

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    My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now. We met online and we have been inseparable ever since. She has been in long committed relationships in the past but she says with me its different and she can see a future with us. The last month or so I noticed a change in our relationship she has been distant. When we went a few days without seeing each other(we live 1 hr away) in the past she would get sad and miss me like crazy. That stopped happening. She then voiced about two weeks ago she wasn’t happy and something she couldn’t put her finger on was bothering her. Trying to me mature and fix us I told her to take some time figure out what there was that I could do to make her happy and let me know and I will try my hardest to make her happy. a few days later after a few fights we had a long talk. This is where it gets complicated. Her parents haven’t treated her right all her life there has been some abuse and some distance when she was younger. She lives in her parents house just like I live in mine. Shes 24 and I am 23. I am fully out to my parents whereas she hasn’t told them yet. They are very traditional Portuguese family and she knows (or so she says) they will disown her and kick her out. We both can support ourselves if we live on our own however we want to wait until we can find a house together that would be easy for both commutes to our jobs. During the long talk we discussed how she isn’t unhappy with me but unhappy at the fact she is getting so close to telling her parents shes gay and she is going through all the feelings we have all gone through before we tell them. She said she has never been more ready to do it. Its on the tip of her tongue but she chickens out every time. She is angry at them for not seeing who she really is even though it is her own fault for not telling them. The normal feelings I had when I came out. I told her she cant take her anger out because she is just the girl they saw when she was little and even though she is shouting about her true self on the inside they cannot hear it. After the long talk she agreed to get therapy and talk about it and take actions. We were back to our old selves laughing and having fun. It was like I got my girlfriend back from a depression that took over her. I thought things were fine.

    Two days later my friend showed me she was on plenty of fish. Her profile was updated with pictures that were taken less then a week ago and she was looking for guys. I was shocked hurt and felt betrayed. After confronting her she told me she made it over a year ago before we met but with all her confusion during our fight she actively updated it. Then after out long talk she didn’t have any question and just forgot to delete it. That is something I don’t know if I believe but I am trying to believe it is true. She never messaged or met up with anyone who was interested in her (i became a crazy girlfriend and checked for myself) Her reasoning behind it was that she was so ready to make this commitment to me and be with me 100% but she knew allowing herself to feel these feeling meant she would have to come out to her parents and lose all family support. She was questioning everything. She thought because of the terrible treatment she had from her parents it might be just a “phase” to get back at them and hurt them the worst way they hurt her.

    i have always told her I would never pressure her to come out because I wouldn’t want to be the reason she lost her family. I told her it didn’t matter to me that we moved into a condo that had 2 bedrooms to make it seem like I was a roommate. Yes it hurt my feelings but that was me being selfish and I would do that for her because I love her. But now if she has these feelings and doesn’t come out whats to stop her from doing this again in 3 months… 3 years.

    I don’t know how to handle this because she has dated girls since she was 18. Her rebelling stage or experimenting stage should be long gone. She is the first girl I have been with and before we dated she was so afraid of being my experiment and was so afraid to be my first. Its like everything is backwards now and I don’t know what to do. She says she knows she wants me and that question of who she was is long gone. I cant accept that and I need advice from people not connected to me or her for how to handle this.

    Apologize for the novel, its a lot to process and handle… I just kept on writing. Any advice?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: She made a dating profile looking for guy...

    I would take her at face value and let her come out to her parents. She sounds like she really needs to do it for herself. She wants her family to know who she is. Support her and don't contradict her. Live free and well and not let this weigh you down anymore.
     
    #2
  3. Tristan_Summer

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    Re: She made a dating profile looking for guy...

    [highlight]My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now. We met online and we have been inseparable ever since.[/highlight]
    Great, kudos to you. My mate and I have been dating for 7 months, but have known each other for 4 years.

    [highlight]She has been in long committed relationships in the past but she says with me its different and she can see a future with us.[/highlight]

    Okay... That's good. Hopefully she can commit to her words as well.

    [highlight]the last month or so I noticed a change in our relationship she has been distant. When we went a few days without seeing each other(we live 1 hr away) in the past she would get sad and miss me like crazy. That stopped happening.[/highlight]

    Do you guys communicate everyday? I do. I also live an hour away from my girlfriend. But I make time to talk to her everyday (through text, call, and videochat) so we are always a part of each others lives.


    [highlight]She then voiced about two weeks ago she wasn’t happy and something she couldn’t put her finger on was bothering her. Trying to me mature and fix us I told her to take some time figure out what there was that I could do to make her happy and let me know and I will try my hardest to make her happy.[/highlight]

    Never give your partner "time off." Time off means: "hey, I know we are going through some huge issues right now, why don't we not see or talk to each other for a bit so maybe it'll sort of, kind of, work out by itself, eh?!" You have a problem?- you settle it, you compromise, you do whatever it takes, how long it takes, to communicate with them and seek out a resolution.


    I will continue with this advice when I have time.
     
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