She lied.

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Izenf, Aug 20, 2017.

  1. Izenf

    Izenf Member

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    We've been seeing each other about 2.5 months. Things were going well for the most part. At one point, we had the past sexual history discussion and again at another time where her story changed. I told her, look, no need to lie to me. When I ask about it, just be honest, and I will do the same. She told me it had been several years that she'd been intimate with anyone, and that there were issues with her ex. She mentioned many times over the last months that it had been that length of time since she'd been with someone. Then out of the blue yesterday, she says, hey, look, it wasn't so many number of years, but she'd had a one night stand with someone in March. She seems to be more upset that I might be upset with the one night stand but that isn't it at all. I'm very angry that she lied to me about the length of time. What she did before me is her business, one night stand or not. While with me, she lied to me about it. We've been intimate together, and even during that she insisted that wow, it was so many number of years before me.

    I'm not sure what to do here. I don't like being lied to, especially not about something like this that she could have just been straight forward about. She tells me she was embarrassed, wanted to forget it happened, that the person herself was just a bad experience. And she DID tell me about this person, said this person lied to her about her weight and height, that she went to spend the weekend there but ended up sleeping on the couch. So why she didn't tell me she just slept with her is beyond me. It would not have mattered to me at all, but lying matters to me. I feel like we've begun to build a relationship together with a big secret lie right in the middle.

    She'd like for me to forgive her and move on, but I'm always going to worry about her lying now. I get the embarrassment, I suppose, but I don't get why she felt like lying about it was a good choice.

    What would you do?
     
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  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    You need to make the decision to forgive her. Either you're never going to trust her because out of shame she said didn't have a one night when she did, or you forgive her and have a trusting relationship as you're in the early stages and still getting to know one another.

    If it were me, I would let her know that I forgive her and let her know that she can be honest with me about everything. You are in the early stages and this is were relationship foundations are built. If this an unforgivable thing for you then you might as well end it as you won't be able to trust her. I know this sounds harsh but look at it from her side, she probably didn't want you to think ill of her as someone that has one night stands. I also don't see this as a "big lie" as you called it, you weren't together when she did this and it seems that she's ashamed rather than trying to hide a truth. Talk to each other and move past this.
     
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  3. Izenf

    Izenf Member

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    I don't see what she DID as a big lie. I see her lying to me about it, as a big lie. She insisted that it had been a number of years since it happened last. She made a big deal out of it and talked about it a lot. I don't care that it happened. I just don't like being told that it didn't when in fact it did.

    I have decided to move beyond all of this and go forward with her. After thinking about it, I do get the embarrassment, and even a little bit understanding as to why she lied about it. She was ashamed that it happened and wanted to forget that it was ever a thing.

    I'm the kind of person that if you'll lie to me about this, you'll lie to me about anything else. But I've told her I really just need for her to be transparent and honest and that no matter the size of the lie, I won't stick around if it happens again.

    Thanks for the opinion!
     
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  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Just keep all the lines of communication open :)
     
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    That is a big lie. Just because she is embarrassed, she doesn't have the right to lie to you about something that could possibly impact your health. It's called being an adult - you swallow your embarrassment and are honest with your sexual partners.

    Only you can decide if you want to move forward with her. If you do, it is understandable if it takes you longer to trust her. After all, there is forgive and there is forget. If this lie is out of character for her, then maybe things can work out with her. But if you catch her in more big lies, then you know what kind of person she is.
     
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  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Exactly -- when people lie about little things...they'll lie about bigger things....

    I'd be concerned about whether this is a pattern.....
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I thought the same thing about the sexual health issue. However, I figured that you guys are getting tested no matter what before you do fluid bonding. Unless you are worried about incubation period?

    Other than the sexual health issue, I don't like this fessing up on past partners. It should not matter whom she was with and how long. She did eventually come around and shared something that no one should feel obligated to share. Again, I am not sure if the circumstances on the disclosures are on sexual health. LIke, when you asked her and she said, "Oh, I haven't had any partner for years and had gotten myself checked out in between." Then it would be a terrible lie and I would find it hard to trust this person and rush to get myself checked out.
     
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  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Must admit that I presumed that someone in their 40s would make sure themselves and their sexual partner were clear before doing the deed. Which is why I was more focused on shame etc
     
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  9. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If the one-night thing was from March, the OP might have been worried about the incubation period of certain STD's. Maybe it is something the OP could clarify since I am just making assumptions.
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I wouldn't assume that someone got tested, etc... just because they are 40+. There's probably people out there who think 'you haven't had sex in years, it's probably ok.' Besides, if someone is going to lie about history, maybe they will also lie about test results.
     
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  11. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If the gf had said everything perfectly, she should have said, "Yes, I had sex with someone as recently as March but I have been single since." And she should have stopped there and refused to discuss it further. However, she could have had such a traumatizing experience that she really wanted it "not to count" and did something not so perfectly. That is the scenario that I find myself having empathy with. I think this way because she did rethink the whole thing and came around and admitted it when she did not have to at all. She could have kept the lie and blocked out an awful experience in her head. Maybe the lie made it worse for her and she finally told the truth.

    Other than that, I think it is important to have a conversation about sexual health and be able to look at each other's results or get tested together before getting serious.
     
    #11
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2017
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