She lied to me

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Looper, Jul 2, 2015.

  1. Looper

    Looper New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    2
    I think I will sound very stupid and narrow minded to you, girls. But I need to hear a proper advice about this situation even if it may hurt a little bit. :) Thank you!

    We're both 23 years old. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year. She told me she was a virgin and she knew that I was the same. I was trying to be completely honest to her about anything because trust and honesty are among my core values. I loved her the most and I trusted her so much that I gave her my first. But it turns out that she lied to me about her virginity. One afternoon, we were talking about sex and I asked her about it again. I wasn't really thinking of asking that question. Maybe it was my intuition. She admitted that she was already sexually active with her previous bf. I know that the Vcard isn't a serious thing now but I was extremely hurt by the fact that she has lied to me and felt very jealous of her former lover. I felt betrayed. Robbed. I am the type of person who can easily forgive and move on but this time was different. Maybe I could have accepted it easily if she has told me earlier. I don't know if I am being unreasonable. :(

    I feel bad that I am feeling this bitterness towards her. She appears very repentant and sincere with her apology. I am trying to forgive her and to give our relationship a chance but whenever I remember her confession, I get so sad and mad that I can almost break up with her. I also started doubting the things she tells me. I know that I am hurting her too and it feels awful. I don't want to treat her this way forever, I want to accept what happened. What should we do to get pass this?

    Thank you so much.
     
    #1
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2015
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    I can understand how both of you feel. But the most pressing thing in my mind when people disclose sexual history to a potential partner is the problem with STD's. (Granted, there are some people who have caught STD's in other ways other than having sex so it is good for anyone who is about to have a partner to get a complete workup, but I digress.)

    Now for the trust department. I think telling people your sexual past should be voluntary and maybe, when you told her you are a virgin, everything was new and had so much potential that she panicked. Instead of telling you the truth, and instead of saying she would rather not have discussed it, she lied and she shouldn't have. Not to excuse her, but try to understand and forgive, which is what I think you are asking ways to do. If she had only been with guys and if the relationship(s) she has had all felt like they "didn't count", maybe you really made her feel like a virgin when you became intimate with her. I hope you can cherish that part of it, get both of you tested and not throw it away.
     
    #2
    aussie_gabby and nabiki201 like this.
  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    You feel the way you feel. No two people are going to have the exact same expectations, so how you feel isn't how I would feel or how anyone else would feel.

    One question that I have is context. If she lied to you as part of a discussion about sexual health, then to me that is a big red flag. It's not ok to mislead someone about their health.

    But if she lied to you as part of pillow talk, it's more complicated. She may have been being somewhat honest (if she had never been with a girl). She might not feel great about what happened with her ex and wanted to pretend like it didn't happen.

    People lie to protect themselves. People lie about things they are ashamed of. People lie to save others hurt (no hun, you don't look fat).

    I think you have to decide if you want to stay with her. If you do, it's normal to feel hurt and betrayed. But you have to find a way to work through that. Why did she lie? Can you forgive her? Do you think it's safe for you to forgive her? Is she understanding that it will take time to work through this?
     
    #3
    greylin and Spygirl like this.
  4. runhappy

    runhappy New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2015
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    4
    Unfortunately you need to have a serious talk with yourself. If you don't see yourself forgiving her in the foreseeable future then maybe it's time to cut ties. When you ruminate on a partner's lie it soon turns into resentment which allows unhealthy factors to enter your relationship.

    If it's hurting you, and it's hurting her.. sometimes letting go or giving time helps.

    You know the answer already. Whatever it is -- trust in yourself.
     
    #4
    greylin likes this.
  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    I really agree with this. I have both exaggerated and glossed over sexual experiences I had, because they made me feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. I regretted the lie later, and was able to disclose to my partner when I trusted them more, but in the first few weeks of a relationship really didn't feel like I could be honest about my experience - and the deeper truths about my mental health, my desires, and my past.

    I agree that your partner needs to be honest about their sexual health, but that disclosing past sexual experiences (or lack thereof) is a personal decision, and can be complicated. Try to cut her a little slack, and assume the best until proven otherwise.
     
    #5
    greylin likes this.
  6. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2013
    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    168
    Maybe she got the impression that being a virgin was really important to you when she first told you she was one. Now that she knows you better she probably thought she should tell you the truth. It could have bothered her and she was waiting for the right opportunity to tell you the truth. Sometimes when you're young you just don't know how to tell other people the truth. You think it's better to tell them what they need to hear in order to like you.

    If you like her, then accept that this was a mistake and let it go. In the sceme of things, it isn't a major lie. It sounds like it was just a mistake. Sometimes people make mistakes and you need to learn how to move on from them.
     
    #6
    greylin likes this.
  7. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2015
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    58
    My friend to this day pretends she has never slept with a guy yet a few of us know about it, after hearing from him. We have never said anything, nor do we care to. Obviously, its a friend so I do not care if she wants to with hold this information. However, I am certain she lies to anyone she has dated and pretends she has never slept with a guy before. She's embarrassed about it and doesn't want to talk about it. Your girlfriend may have been worried about what you think. I used to care about how many partners my girlfriends had been with, but now as i get older I realize the past is the past. If you can't get over it then that's fine, but perhaps she just didn't want you to feel less special in her eyes for not being her "first".
     
    #7
    greylin likes this.
  8. Looper

    Looper New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    2
    Hi! Thanks for all the advice.

    Idk why the issue appeared so big to me the first few days/weeks. Maybe it was because virginity was really something important to me and I believed and trusted her so much. I have a childlike trust and I don't give it easily to anyone. Though after a while, I realized that this is something that I can get over with, it was just a part of her past that she felt ashamed of (like what most of you have said) and she is much morethan that. I am trying not to overthink about it whenever I am tempted to, instead I focus on the relationship that we have now.

    I think our love has grown deeper and stronger because of this. :)

    Sorry for the sappy post. :p Thank you very much!
     
    #8
    Bluenote and greylin like this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice