She is very jealous, what can i do ?

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Ariël Romak, Mar 28, 2016.

  1. Ariël Romak

    Ariël Romak New Member

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    My gf is very jealous, what can i do ?
    Me and my girlfriend started dating in january, we really love each other (we've known each other for over 3 years) and are very close friends outside of the relationship as well.
    i dated a girl (my ex) for a while last year (2014) and at one point at the end of the relationship me and her said i love you to each other, we were both very drunk, and didn't mean it, the relationship wasn't working and we are nothing more than friends now, not even close friends anymore.
    my gf constantly brings up that i told this girl i loved her and if i felt that way then, that i might still feel that way for her (which is incorrect, i do not)
    she is very bothered that i told my ex i loved her (although she used to say i love you to her ex as well...) and she is very afraid that i will cheat on her while i am drunk at some point, bc she says that that incident shows that i have no control while i am drunk.
    she doesn't understand that i used to really like my ex so while we were drunk, feelings got complicated but that i no longer really even know my ex
    how do i convince my gf that i love her exclusively? she gets angry and sad about this often, i want her to believe me.
     
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  2. rebeccajennings21

    rebeccajennings21 New Member

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    Im going to give my opinion here which is probably the opposite of everyone else's opinion.

    yes your girlfriend is being irrational...
    we are women, sometimes we roll that way.

    I personally believe that jealousy is just something we have in us, just to different extents.
    Its completely normal to feel jealous sometimes in relationships and if my partner and i never felt it i would be concerned as we both just have it in us. In some strange F'ed up way it shows she cares. Too much. In saying that her reasoning is a bit off, most of us have told people before that we loved them. We could have even meant it at the time, people change and sometimes we realise that the things that were attractive are actually annoying or someone else comes into our lives and the person before doesn't even remotely compare so we question our previous feelings.

    I think the issue comes down to the fact you were such close friends and she is jealous of that bond you had, also jealous that it wasn't her at the time. Also maybe because you still said you are somewhat friends with your ex. Not going to lie to you, If she has made it a big deal she will probably hold it against you forever and bring it up on occasions (women are good at that, we don't like letting things go) maybe if you guys try to strengthen your relationship it could help. I would just keep explaining your feelings. If that does not work then unfortunately there is nothing you can do as the issue is within her.
    Goodluck x
     
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  3. RLrose

    RLrose Member

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    Wow, the past is the past. she needs to get over it and stop holding it against you. good luck yikes.
     
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Ah, it's time for today's edition of: This is her work to do, not yours.

    Your girlfriend has an irrational belief - i.e., that because you loved/had feelings for/drunk babbled to some other girl in the past, you could still have feelings for her, therefore you must still have feelings for her, therefore you cannot actually love Girlfriend here and now. This, I don't have to tell you, is the road to crazytown - but there is nothing you can say that is rational, true, reasonable, or measured that will divert someone destined for crazytown. Nonsense emotional fears do not respond to calm, reasoned arguments.

    The only thing that gets her off the road is herself, deciding to turn the hell around. (This is what separates people with normal jealous reactions who can still tolerate their partners having friends and exes, and emotionally abusive, controlling stalkers. I do not exaggerate.) Look, we all have moments where we have an unpleasant emotional reaction to something about our partner; I don't love that my wife had a bunch of flirtations/hookups with people in our mutual friend group before we got together, although they are old news and over and we are married now. When I get stressed about them, I tell myself "That was a long time ago, and if Wife wanted to be with Ex, she would be with Ex. Instead, she proposed to you. Calm down and have some tea." If your girlfriend cannot talk herself off the ledge, you certainly cannot, and the fact that she is trying to make your past behavior responsible for her over-acting possessive response is a big red flag for me.

    The consequence of Girlfriend's irrational belief is, I hate to say it, the eventual end to your relationship. Does she understand that? Do you? When you badger someone for emotional reassurance, you force them to prove again and again that they love you, and it is exhausting, destablizing, and eroding to a relationship. Instead of building it up with good memories and shared adventures, she is making your time together and your emotional connection... about how you love her more than Ex. That's not a great thing to build on, and it will not be sufficient when you fact some actual difficulties (which you will, because that's life). If she does not take responsibility to her neediness and need for reassurance, your relationship will end, and not happily, or will only survive as something pretty screwed up and codependent.

    So, actual advice:
    1) Tell your girlfriend that you are done with this conversation. "Girlfriend, I understand that you are really stressed about Ex, and I have done my best to convince you that you have nothing to worry about. I'm done talking about it, because I would like to be in the present, with you, not in the past. If you bring it up again, I will change the subject."
    2) Ask your girlfriend to get some professional counseling to help her deal with her jealousy. "If you find that you need to talk about it and are worried I'm lying, that worries me, because it says that your anxiety about this is pretty serious. I am not the right person to help you with that - can I help you find a counselor to talk through those feelings with? I really want you to be able to believe me when I tell you I love you."
    3) Offer different reassurances/supports. "I'm not going to talk about my ex anymore, but I am happy to tell you I love you a dozen times a day, or text you pictures of puppies whenever I think about you. What would make you feel loved?"
    4) Repair and build your relationship. Go on dates/have adventures/explore your city. Make some new, positive memories that can help her replace the worry about your ex that she has - things that have nothing to do with your past friendship, the things you might have done with your ex, etc.

    Good luck.
     
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I am totally going to ask my wife to text me pictures of puppies a dozen times a day, because... puppies!
     
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  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Do it! So much better than discussing ex-girlfriends and old flames, everyone's least favorite conversation.

    I suggest corgi mixes. They are tiny miraculous mutants.
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I just want to get a better picture of this. During the few months that you have started your relationship, how often did you and your gf hang out with your ex? Do you go drinking with your ex from time to time still? Do you get drunk with her? I am not suggesting that you change all your routine and everything about you to please her, but maybe there is more to the story and environment that you all are in. When she becomes your girlfriend, the whole social group dynamic changes. People may not accept her in this new role and there are subtle things that can be passed onto her without you noticing. Something simple like, you are all in the same group in social media but your ex stops liking her posts and gushes over yours.

    There have been more times than I can count that I can't simply have two women friends go with me to do something because they wanted to be alone with me and they get jealous of each other. These are just friends and they get that jealous. So I wonder how girlfriends and ex's share a space sometimes.

    Another thing maybe that she does not know how to ask for even more of your time alone. She maybe more comfortable with obsessing over a question that she can't get over than to simply ask what she really wants from you. And that would go towards what others are saying to create good memories with her for the two of you. Jealousy happens sometimes not because there is a lack of trust, sometimes, it is just a lousy way to ask for something and get one's needs met.

    I do wonder if this feeling of jealousy surprises her, that she never thought she would be this person. People call jealousy the green eye monster. I wonder if it is because the thing jumps out at you out of no where.
     
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  8. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I respectfully disagree with the corgis. Shetland Sheepdog puppies all the way.

    Ok..well no real disagreement....just PUPPIES! :)
     
    #8
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2016
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Fuck, does that mean that I am having an emotional affair with you on FB? I mean, you do post a lot of cute puppy pictures for me to see... ;)
     
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  10. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    It's only an affair if your wife doesn't know about it. ;)
     
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  11. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    To me it sounds like she's subconsciously trying to make you cheat. See how it works-you may not want to do something but once someone starts saying this, you're likely to do it and even believe it is your idea.

    How exactly do you feel towards your jealous girlfriend? You don't seem to clarify and I'm asking since people often stay in a relationship for unknown reasons. If you actually love her, explain to her how you feel and hope that she'll understand. If not, I suggest you break up-what's the point of being together when jealousy comes to play? in a little dozes it can keep the fire burning, make the relationship passionate but that's not your case...

    There's another thing-she might be cheating. If she keeps being so jealous of you for this, either she's cheated before (or on you) and she's feeling guilty about it, or she is just a super jealous hypocrite (you mentioned that she'd done the same with an ex).

    Good luck! :)
     
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