she is not into relationships...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by icicle20, Jan 11, 2014.

  1. icicle20

    icicle20 Member

    Jan 11, 2014
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    hey everybody!
    i am writing to you because i just can't continue to keep this to myself, because i think i am going to explode! :/
    so i met this girl like a month ago, and when we met she told me that she is rarely in a relationship, which actually meant that she had a lot of night stands (even though i didn't think about it that way). and we started to see each other, and we spend a lot of time together; i am very affecionate as a person, and she told me that affection doesn't come naturally to her, and sometimes when i say or do something which is affectionate, she tells me that she has a kind of a lump in her stomach because it scares her...
    i really like her and want to spend time with her, but i have a constant fear that she would kiss somebody else (because she told me that when she is drunk she gets excited lol and tonight she is going out); on the other hand, she knows that i am not for one night stands and i that it would bother me if she would see somebody else. we haven't defined our relationship, but we really spend a lot of time together, we are together almost every day... and i feel as if the things have changed since the beginning because now i find her musch more close to me than the beginning of the relationship, and she has done some wonderful things about it....and i just don't know if its possible for somebody who has lived their whole life with one night stand (and rarely a relationship) to try and really be in a relationship like this...and if i am just hurting myself for something that could never be the way i would like it to be (and i am a romantic) :)
    thank you very much :) have a nice evening...
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I guess I could go knee-jerk on this and say, "try non-monogamy if you can go that way" and be done with it. But, the only reason to go non-monogamy should only be because she is basically not a monogamous person, not because she is afraid of or lacks maturity to be in a relationship even if that is what she wants. So, let me break this down on what I mean. Mind, I could be completely thinking in plasma instead of real grey matters.

    1. Nothing wrong with someone who doesn't like relationships. But there is a difference between someone who doesn't like it vs someone who likes it but is afraid of it and sabotage themselves with being a Lothario.

    2. Nothing wrong with going with non-monogamy, but do it because she is really wired that way and you like sharing. Again, don't do it because she lacks maturity to commit even if she really likes to settle down with someone eventually in monogamous bliss. (See #1).

    3. If you want a relationship with her, try talking these things out, if she is a safe person that you can talk to about anything you feel or you want, then she could at least check that one box for being relationship material.

    You just started seeing each other, things should be fun and easy and accepting. I hope you two can bond and mold your relationship to one that can suit you both and you can do it with love. Happy New Year.
  3. rabbitheart

    rabbitheart Well-Known Member

    Nov 18, 2013
    Likes Received:
    I think you brought up the important point: Can the relationship ever be the way you would like it to be?

    The only way to really get to the bottom of this issue is 1.) to give it time and 2.) talk to her. If she is okay with keeping an open line of communication, you can slowly start introducing suggestions on the direction you would like to see the relationship going. Don't overwhelm her, but make sure she knows that if she wants to be with you, she may need to make some compromises to make you fully happy.

    To put it bluntly, if she can't make any compromises, it sounds like this relationship may leave you pretty unhappy. That's not to say anything is wrong with either of you, you just weren't as compatible as you'd like to be.

    The important thing here is to make sure neither of you has to completely change or do something they aren't entirely comfortable with, because that is what leads to unhealthy relationships. People can change, but they have to WANT to change -- not be forced (or inadvertently guilted) into changing. And this goes for both her and you.

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