She has a son

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Leanda, Nov 1, 2013.

  1. Leanda

    Leanda Member

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    Just to give some context; my gf and I have been officially together for 2 months now, but have been friends for close to two years. She has a son who is 7 years old. She is 28 and I am 24. I am really into her but I feel like I am not ready to take on a parenting role. At the same time, I do like him and realise that I cannot have her without him.
    My family, although supportive and really liking my gf, think that I am settling and should find someone else. My friends love her but think the kid thing might be a bit much. I am torn because I would definitely be with her if she didn't have a child and feel bad for having doubts *just* because she does...
    I know it sounds old fashioned (ironically enough when describing a lesbian relationship) but I always imagined myself falling in love, getting married (when legalised) and having kids after. I know life doesn't always go the way you plan but I still feel like I could be sacrificing my needs.
    So fairly torn. Any advice and different perspectives welcome!
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I can understand that you are not ready for parenthood. You should not have to act like a parent just to be with her. Even if you become her partner, your relationship with the boy can be a "fun aunt" type thing (and I mean fun to him and supportive to the mom, not permissive). You should be able to be assertive as to what role you are ready or not to take.

    I understand your family watching out for you and making sure you don't take on too much. But the use of the word, "settling"? That is just because she has a kid? You are not settling, you are taking on more just because you like her that much. Listen to your own mind, it is the best decider as to who you should be with.

    And boys that age are so fun! Take him fishing. Did you all go trick or treating, if you celebrate Halloween that is?
     
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Greylin makes a great point: you're not his mom. You don't have to take on the role of mom in order to be his mother's partner, and her having an older child doesn't mean that you won't become parents together later. Hang out with him; be a fun aunt or occasional babysitter; include him on outings with his mom sometimes. Seven year old boys are awesome, and all you need to be to support his mother is a caring adult in his life.

    People come with realities that are not always fun and wild and romantic, and that have long-term effects on the relationships they are in. (Kids are one; families are another; medical issues can come up; past experiences can color the present.) These things don't have to be hard or negative, though many people outside the relationship will see them that way, and you have the ability to decide what support you can offer. If your "needs" are to be in a relationship without hurdles like this one, that force you to reexamine your needs and expectations - well, good luck, because in years of dating I've never found anyone who lined up exactly to what I always imagined my relationships being. Reality always intervenes, and that's NOT bad! It lets us find what we really value, and become stronger and better partners in the process.

    Also, two months - long enough to be all freaked out by this, but not long enough to actually decide if you're ready to commit to a life with this woman and her child. Date her. Experiment with different ways you can be a caring adult, and how you can support your girlfriend who is also a mother. Talk to her about what she wants out of a partner, generally and in light of being a parent. You need more time and information, and you need to let your family and friends know that their concern is appreciated but that you are in a new relationship and it makes you happy, but you're not moving to a duplex in the suburbs together.
     
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