She gave oral to guys.

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by nabiki201, Jul 20, 2015.

  1. nabiki201

    nabiki201 New Member

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    It all started when she broke her friendship with a guy friend really unexpectedly. I kept asking why. They seemed to be great friends and I never saw them fight. She finally told me that she fooled around in college with him, about 6 years ago. She said that it felt really disrespectful, to our relationship, to stay friends with someone that she fooled around with. I asked if she did that with other guys and she said that she fooled around with two other guys. All happened while she was in college. She said there wasn't any sex just touching.

    About a week ago she was buzzed and we were having random talks about college so i asked again what happened with those guys. She confessed that she gave them all oral sex. But to her it was okay because they didn't penetrate her or give her oral sex. They just touched her and that they were just one night stands. So i kinda joked around about how she did all the work and got nothing in return. I was acting all goofy but really this entire situation makes me feel really uncomfortable.

    I know that anything that happened before us shouldn't matter but it does.

    She says that she was another person at the time and that she feels shame for what she did. That she was feeling lonely and dealing with being gay. I also went through the same deal. Growing up gay is not easy but i always found comfort in music and friends. I never had to sleep with anyone to make me feel better.

    Did any of you go through something similar. Should i just really drop this and move on with her....or without her? I'm really confused.
     
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  2. wonderlust

    wonderlust Well-Known Member

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    You shouldn't let her past dictate your future together, especially since she technically didn't do anything wrong. If you're going to hang this over her head and you can't get over it, then let her find her happiness elsewhere with someone who can understand her. There are far more important things than a 6 year old fling (providing it's all water under the bridge for her of course). Imo.
     
    #2
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  3. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    Drop it and move on! Past is the past!! College is for exploring anyways...
     
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    It can be pretty awkward to contemplate your partner's past sexual experiences, huh? My wife doesn't like thinking about me with my ex-boyfriends, and I'm not that crazy about thinking about her getting it on with other ladies.

    But here's the thing: she didn't cheat on you. She didn't do anything wrong. She didn't do anything that lots of college girls don't do, and she also didn't keep it from you when you asked. She dumped a friend for you, because she has already decided that you are more important. And it was six years ago - she's done most of her growing up since then, as in her brain has literally finished maturing and she has made all the decisions about how she is going to be an adult since then - and they seem to be pretty good, responsible, respectful ones. Basically, on the scale of relationship problems that actually effect relationships, "has a past that I don't like" is real common and somewhere below "loads the dishwasher wrong."

    It's also deeply unfair of you to say "well, I didn't deal with coming out that way, so she shouldn't have." People are different, and they react to situations differently and experience different pressures and wants She was lonely, she wanted attention, and she probably wanted to see if she could experience attraction to these guys; she is already ashamed and upset about it (such that she hid it from you). Don't make it worse by comparing her to you and finding her wanting, because you are different people with different brains and different lives and that's just really unfair.

    I think you should work on letting it go, and stop making your girlfriend bring up something that she would rather have behind her. If you need to process it, do that here or with friends who you trust to keep the conversation private, because your girlfriend has her own feelings wrapped up in this and doesn't need to cuddle yours.

    And if you can't do that, you should respectfully end things and let her find someone who can.
     
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  5. nabiki201

    nabiki201 New Member

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    Yes, is true. She didn't do anything wrong. It is all in the past. I also did things that i'm not proud of. I think that i was just freaking out. The news hit me hard. Is really her choice if she wants to tell me about her life. I love her and i don't care about her past. What really matters to me is the life that we are building together.
     
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  6. sweetestsin_xo

    sweetestsin_xo New Member

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    No, she didn't do anything wrong BUT you do have the right to feel the way you feel. There's no way you can change your feelings of disgust about the situation but you can decide how you act.

    I've been in this situation with my ex. What helped me was hearing her talk about it and how regretful she was. Also how gay she is now and how she always has been. Like your girl, she also said that she was a different person back then... Maybe you can tell your girl to make effort in comforting you about the situation. She can't change it, but she can do little things to make you feel better.
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Why regret past relationships? They make us who we are today. We learn from them. We grow from them. I've dated guys in my past. I've dated girls...and each relationship I've had has only prepared me for being able to be in a long term healthy relationship I have now.

    None of us come without baggage, and none of us come free from any type of history. We all have skeletons in our closet. Past sexual experiences are just that...in the past. None of us can erase the litany of stupid things we've done. At the same time, would you rather have someone who's truly lived and learned from mistakes? Or would your rather have someone without any true life experience and/or wisdom at all?

    Get over it. Whether this relationship is "the one," you're always going to date someone who's had past experiences --- including past sexual experiences. Whether it's with a girl...or with a guy...For you to judge her for events which happened before you were remotely a thought in her head is wholly unfair.
     
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    Last edited: Jul 29, 2015
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I don't get the issue.

    She distanced herself from a past fling without being asked.

    She had a few flings with guys in college.

    I don't get the issue. It's her past. She was exploring her sexuality, which is her right to do. I am guessing she felt less than stellar after which helped her sort out that she is gay. I am guessing that she feels really low having to relive it all now.

    If it were me, I would thank her for being so honest with me. I would tell her that honesty in the present is way more important in relationships than sexual experimentation from college.
     
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  9. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    She didn't even have to tell you. Gawd, I wouldn't have. It's really none of your business what she did in the past. And, it is very hard growing up gay. It takes some time to figure it all out. She's moved on from it, so you need to do the same. If you're going to judge all the girls you date by their past sexual experiences don't ask them about it.
     
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  10. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    you're goin to drop a beautiful relationship for something that shallow??? and you actually really considering it??? if thats the case I would say just drop the relationship seriously.. she deserve to be with someone who can accept her past and you deserved to be with someone whose past doesn't bother you THAT much.

    she doin all the thing that respect you and your relationship with her without you having to ask her to do it.. sooooo she did her job trying to comfort you about what she did in the past (not that theres something wrong with what she did in the past)...

    I've been in her shoes, except I might have done something a lot more crazy than what she did... I do get judge for it, I do see some people that I dated who has a big issue because of it and judge me, I do get hurt everytime I talk about it with the person I dated and then my partner shows sign that they do not accept me for who I am or what I did in my past... until one day I just dropped all this nonsense and be with someone who can accept me for who I am..

    all those pain does not worth the person... so yeah...

    Good Luck!
    xx
     
    #10
  11. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes, these freak out things are just temporary, the way a bad thought that gets stuck in your head. They are like nightmares, you know, you wake up and it is in the past. As long as you have some clarity now, that will always stick with you and those thoughts will never roost. I don't like the feeling people have about fessing up to a new partner about the past unless there are some health concerns that testing do not clear up. I do however, try my best to treat voluntary disclosures from a partner as a great privilege that has been bestowed upon me. I keep telling myself that so I don't mess up as badly when I am told stuff.
     
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  12. nabiki201

    nabiki201 New Member

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    The guy friend dropped her not the other way around.

    This happened days after I originally started this thread.

    I don't go through my girlfriend's phone and I know is wrong! but I did after I saw a notification saying that her guy friend had posted a new picture on Facebook. As soon as I saw that I went through all her social media's and they were still friends everywhere. She was still sending/receiving snapshots from him too.

    She lied. She didn't end the friendship. They were also messaging on Facebook. On the FB message he was asking her out to dinner and asking when they were going to hang out again. To at least set a day aside for him. She responded to wait until things cool down with me so that they could hang out again. In return he said that it was tough to not see her as often as before.

    I went to his latest posted pic and I posted "dislike" on it. I know! That was very childish of me to do. I should have just talked to her about it. Well, I didn't bring anything up. I went to sleep and then to work the next day. I wanted to talk to her calmly without that innitial anger I felt.

    When I got home from work she was upset and yelled at me for posting that. They apparently got into an argument and he endded the friendship. She was really upset because he deleted her off all social medias. She asked why couldn't I leave it alone. That supposibly now they were in bad terms. I asked very calmly "He endded the friendship? Just now? I thought you ended that a while ago. For me?" She didn't say anything and I asked about the Facebook message but I also got nothing. I don't get it. Why come clean about sleeping with him? Or lie about endding the friendship? I'm actually starting to think that they slept together not too long ago.
     
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  13. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You mean, you posted the word, "dislike" to his pic? That was a really bad reaction to just something like that. She could have been playing you both. Sorry, that is not good.
     
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  14. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    Look the whole dislike thing is pretty bad. It sounds like you're both playing games of some sort.

    I don't know why she's tell you all that and say she doesn't want to be friends with him and then have a secret friendship.

    Both of you need to have a honest talk. Going through her personal messages isn't ok. I get it drives you crazy to have a gut feeling that something's going on. But doing stuff like that, doesn't make you feel good. Ten you get sucked more and more into these games where is stops being any glimps of a healthy happy relationship. And it seems toxic.

    So, talk to her. Apologise for the dislike. Tell her how wrong it was, in fact I'd even go so far to send him a message and apologise. No matter if they are hooking up or not, it gets you on the high road.

    Tell her you have no idea why she'd tell you all that just to have a secret relationship with him. Just be calm and try and figure out what it is you have together anymore.
     
    #14
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  15. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    This whole thing is so childish.

    Look, at the end of the day, you trust your partner, or you don't. If you trust them, you trust them to be honest with you, conduct their friendships in a way that respects the boundaries that you set together for your relationship, and to communicate with you about their needs. If you don't trust them, then you stalk their phone and get suspicious and fight with them via proxy on social media... and don't resolve issues in appropriate ways.

    If you don't trust her - for real or imagined reasons - your relationship is doomed. If you can't establish trust, you're just going to repeat this experience - with this guy, with the next ex, with another friend who she gets close with. he is doing some things that make her untrustworthy; you are doing some things that make her feel she needs to hide the truth from you (whatever that is). Both are issues that need to be addressed.
     
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  16. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I went back and reread this. @lorienczhiu's advice is spot on. I think you posted this thread under the pretense of a sexual past, but it seems to me that you're looking for excuses to justify your distrust of your partner. The past wouldn't bother you if there weren't something pressing on your mind -- and as it turns out, there was: the whole idea of what your partner was or was not doing with the guy.

    Generally speaking (and yes, I know there are exceptions)...there are reasons why we don't trust. Whether a lot of red flags give you reason not to trust your partner (being her own actions and not worthy of being trusted)-- whether you're projecting your own actions (I had an ex g/f accuse me of cheating..and this was out of left field...b/c i never cheated but she was doing it big time to me) -- or whether you're one of those people who get jealous for no reason (the "dislike" was so juvenile, btw)... That there is distrust in a relationship tells me there's something flat out wrong with the relationship. The first thing you need to do is find out why there is a lack of trust.

    After that, the choice is up to you: fix the relationship, if the underlying problem is fixable, stay in an unhealthy relationship and let it drive you crazy, or move on to a healthy relationship (assuming you're not the person with trust issues who needs them to be addressed within yourself first).
     
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  17. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    This is ridiculous. Personally, I think that you are being petty, possessive and jealous.

    My wife used to date her best friend- they were together for years. She figured out that she is gay. If she wanted to be with him, she would. She is not, we are all friends. I am glad that he is part of our lives- he's a really good guy.

    You clearly don't trust her. You clearly are looking for issues- she's had hookups in the past, she's friends with exes, etc...

    I am guessing that the 'dislike' isn't the only childish passive aggressive thing that you have done. I am guessing that she lies to you about stuff because she didn't want to incur your temper tantrums. (That's really what it was, btw).

    Her telling him:
    'Lay low until this blows over' seems more like trying not to trigger your temper than hiding a cheat. Hiding a cheat is more 'lay low forever.'

    This is all a gut reaction on my part. Of course, you could be petty and she could be the cheating type. The two are not mutually exclusive.

    But look at the end of the day it's your life. If you want to set rules- no bi girls, no girls who are friends with exes, no girls who have had sex with guys, yes fb tantrums, yes phone snooping - then that is your prerogative. Break up with this girl and find yourself a gold star lesbian, who thinks jealousy is hot. But be clear with the girl from the beginning that that's what you want / expect.

    But don't start dating a girl and then be like 'btw, I hate your past and I get to pick who you can be friends with.' She can't go back in time and rearrange her past, just to please current you.
     
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  18. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I don't know how long you guys have been together but I will take a stab at walking in your shoes.

    So just started feeling weird and suspicious about the whole thing because she broke up a good friendship. Then you found out it was an ex. Looking back, do you think she did that because some thing is going on with her and her ex or she had just gotten more serious with you and felt that she should let go of him?

    The back and forth between her and her ex are a bit suspicious. Break up (not even necessary), then got back together. Then you posted on FB, and that was the first thing you did and you went to sleep. All without talking to her. Then he gets mad at her and breaks up with her over something you did. I am scratching my head here because of the reactions. If he is really just wanting her as a friend I would think that he would stand by her and not break up over something you did.

    I think we can speculate all day here but you really know all the details of what had transpired. Whether she was cheating on you or you were just being paranoid, you two deserve some talk and closure. Set aside everything and just talk.
     
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