She cheated in the past.. Should we continue? Need advice!

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Turquoise, Apr 26, 2015.

  1. Turquoise

    Turquoise Member

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    I know people on these forums give great advice, so I was hoping you gals could help me out, because i'm kind of lost here.. Sorry for the long story. :(

    Over a year ago I met a girl, we both fell in love head over heels, sparks flying, tears of happiness and all of that beautiful stuff that comes with love at first sight. It took us about a week before we decided to call it a relationship and we were each others first, intense love of this kind. I'd had relationships before her and she'd had two before me, which to both of us weren't anything close to what we felt for eachother, so we sort of dove into the deep together.

    In this relationship I learned about myself and how I am as a partner. I give, a lot. Every single day, every single trip, everything I do, I want to share with my loved one. I buy her stuff that reminds me of her, things that I know she likes, things that I love and want to share with her, things to show her that I love her. I cook, I listen, I'm there, always.
    She was always my number one, she came before anything and everything, there was never a doubt in my mind when I had to decide between her or any other plans made with friends, family or work, I'd cancel anything. More than often i'd spend my last money on taking her out to dinner or doing something fun with her when it came down to it.

    Her on the other hand, acts and thinks with her own benefit in mind first. Always. Anything she does, she does for her. Anything she plans, she buys, she cooks, it's for her. She's never made me dinner in a year and three months. She's never bought me anything apart from a christmas present, a birthday present and a pair of socks. She doesn't clean up after herself when she's in my apartment, unless I continuously point out that she's leaving glasses, dishes, clothes and what not, which in turn makes her angry with me for what she calls, nagging on her all the time.

    Everything that I consider normal in a relationship, asking me how my day was, hugging me when I come from work, holding my hand in public, giving me a kiss when greeting me, or even just introducing me to her friends. Everything takes so much effort from my side, while she is never short on love, attention, affection, socialization, compliments and most importantly. Loyalty. Complete, unwavering loyalty.

    All of our differences and arguments aside, we really do love each other to death, and I did always imagine us growing old together. When things got rough, I tried doing more, giving more, trying to fix what was wrong. She became depressed after half a year and became distant. She felt self conscious and wanted less sex, less going out, less of us seeing people, less of us doing anything but sitting in my apartment watching Netflix all day.

    Things started going down hill from here on, because no matter what I did to try and help her to feel better, she started taking everything for granted, putting no effort into our relationship anymore. She was no longer affectionate, nothing of the girl I met a year before. Finally, she decided to try and be active more so she went to parties more often. When she goes out, she goes with friends and never asks me along, but naively, I always trusted her and never thought she might be unfaithful, until she was.

    In December, we were fighting an awful lot because of what I mentioned before, she came home one morning after having gone out all night and having fallen asleep at some friends' place. She came to me at 9 o'clock in the evening and I was pretty furious. My cousin and her boyfriend came by for dinner because we'd both had our birthdays two days before, she was supposed to be with us, but she decided to go out and party all night while texting me to wait for her because she'd be home by 12, then 2, then 4, then she didn't answer and told me she'd fallen asleep at 10 AM, then she was hungover and wanted to hang out there till she felt better, but would be on time for dinner and I decided to break it off when she finally said she wouldn't make it for dinner and told her not to come.

    She came anyway, and blurted out someone kissed her, she supposedly didn't see it coming, they were both drunk, it didn't mean anything, blah blah. Things were rough, we finally broke up in January but finally got back together a month later.

    We're doing better now, she's trying her best to do things better, and she's a way better girlfriend. But I found out that it wasn't just that kiss she told me about that happened in December, she'd been making out all day with a friend of hers at that friends apartment she was at back then.

    I found out after forcing her to let me read her conversation with that girl, because we walked into her after a concert a couple of weeks back and she almost convinced my girlfriend to join her and her friend and go to some party at someones house instead of going back home with me. She was hanging around my girlfriend, being extremely flirty and grabbing her by her coat and standing really close to her, whispering to her and all of that stuff. I was with three other friends and asked my girlfriend what she was going to do, and she said she was going to join her and go that party, and apologized to me, but then suddenly remembered she had a test on Monday and couldn't spend the next day being hungover and then decided to join me anyway.

    It lingered in my mind because my girlfriend never gives off wrong signals. When she doesn't want that kind of attention from someone, she makes it VERY clear, so I knew something was up.

    What do I do now? She says she's doing better, and she's sorry, she knew we were going to break up back then so she thought it didn't matter. She's doing everything to make this work according to her and she wants nothing more than me forgiving her. She'd even accept an open relationship from my side, if that would make it easier for me to forgive her..

    I don't know how to trust her again, how to forgive her that she was fooling around with other people while I was at home crying because I didn't know how to fix us..

    What should I do, give it another chance? Let bygones be bygones?
     
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  2. Avatar Korra

    Avatar Korra Member

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    Don't trust words, trust her actions. Words come in second place in such cases. Like when it comes to a partner who is having second thoughts about leaving you to join some shitty party where all the boring people gather to forget their dull lives while listening to mediocre music and get drinks for free, instead of being creative and having fun with you.
    She might try her best because not many people give a lot more and get little in exchange, at least she's smart about that and therefore, is still in her interest to prove that she's doing her best and not to balance things in your favor too. Give her a chance if you want to be naive again and lie to yourself, that is easy. Or face the pain and dump her before she dumps you in public for some party girl who drinks the leftovers after a party :))) you will do yourself a favor and the world doesn't stop at one girl or woman.
     
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    The relationship's been one-sided since the beginning. You doing everything -- her not contributing. That she put no effort into the relationship is suggestive of deeper problems. Her cheating isn't the problem; it's a symptom.

    She knows that you're giving 110% and she has you wrapped around her little finger. She knows you're not going anywhere..that you'll do everything, give everything for her, so she uses this to keep you close. That you're even willing to give the relationship another chance speaks to that.

    You deserve to have someone reciprocate your feelings and efforts. Trust will always be an issue for you and you'll always be second guessing. Besides, if you take her back at this point, you're signaling that her past behavior is ok when it's not. She'll have no respect for you and continue to take advantage when she can.
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    She doesn't love you. People who love each other don't act like she is acting- taking advantage of you, cheating on you, lying to you.

    People lie like crazy to get what they want. "I love you" and "I've never felt this way about anyone" are two of the oldest lies out there.

    Right now she is having her cake (pushover gf, yes, that's you) and eating it to (probably really eating it, or it's eating her). She has all the perks of a gf, little of the work and she gets pussy on the side.

    1. Dump her
    2. Delete all her contact info, block her fb, etc...
    3. Get tested for stds (yes).
    4. Move on
    5. Next time, don't put up with a girl who walks all over you, no matter how much they say they love you. Because if they say one thing and do another- pay attention to the actions.
     
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  5. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    A few years ago, I was in a same situation as you are now. Well, almost. Like you, I gave my all, more than she did. At first it was ok, until I began resenting her for not giving as much. The relationship lasted for almost a decade; we were both miserable the last two years. It finally ended when she confessed she cheated on me. Twice. With the same person. She said the same things, that it did not mean anything, that she was mad at me when it happened, that somehow it was my fault.

    I should advise you to get out now but I also know it is not that easy. I mean, it took me two years contemplating what to do. But you guys have been in that relationship for only a year and already hurting each other emotionally (esp the cheating.) I honestly don't think there's a future there. You really need to think what hurts more, letting her go or holding on?
     
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  6. RagsOBrien

    RagsOBrien Member

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    I have to agree with the other posters. The cheating is the tip of the iceberg here (although very serious of course) and the problems were present before those episodes happened. You seem like a good, honest, caring, loving person who gives everything will she does not seem to be capable of reciprocating that love and genuine care for the other person in the relationship. It sounds like she may have personal issues such as lack of self esteem and you mentioned depression as well. This may mean she is incapable of giving love in the relationship and is partying and cheating in a destructive fashion to compensate in some way for this. Don't let her drag you into her abyss any further.

    I think you should break it off with her and don't look back. You need a clean break away from her and maybe you can start to focus on you and in time, meet someone who deserves you because this girl does not. Letting go is probablt best here!
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Pushover is the PERFECT word to describe this scenario. The OP is being a doormat and the g/f knows it.
     
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Turquoise, that is heart breaking! I agree with what everyone said above. Forgive me for being curious. I keep trying to find examples of why you like her but I am at a loss for it. I see words like love and sparks. How does she love you? I cannot find anything physical or emotional. Spygirl said pushover, and I can see that because a pushover in a relationship always have these buttons that the abuser knows about. The abuser knows how to get you to forgive/forget one thing then another and then something more. Then if abuser really blows it she can always come back and ask you to just start all over, a clean slate all the while, she is still thinking dirty thoughts about someone else.

    I am so sorry, I hope you get the strength to just start over and without her. You don't deserve any of this.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I agree, but I don't want to be too hard on the op. She sounds like a loving, giving person. I think her behavior comes from a good place - caring for her gf and wanting to have a good life together. I think she is just learning a hard lesson about how shitty people can be. And how you have to take care of yourself.
     
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  10. jellohead

    jellohead Well-Known Member

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    I'll never understand a) why the cheater cheats or b) why the dormat takes them back. Do you think they grew a set of morals while they were out screwing around you? Rip her off like a filthy bandaid and throw her as far away as you can. Yes, it will hurt like hell at first because you are a decent, caring and kind human and this is a particularly difficult lesson to learn. I theorize sometimes that it's life's way of throwing a little trash your way so that you'll be grateful when your true soulmate shows up later on. Good luck! Trash pick up is Monday ;-)
     
    #10
  11. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    I guess majority of us have the same advice. I just want to add couple of things...

    To some, infidelity doesn't really mean much - rare, I know but I don't know if this is the case with you (I, for one, couldn't be with someone who doesn't mind hurting me that much.) If you decide you love her enough to take her back, maybe think first if you can look at her the same way. Can you live with the thought she may do it again?

    Now, if you decide you cannot be with her because of this, make sure it is final. Taking her back again and again will not do you any good, just give you more emotional stress. Give yourself time and space away from her. Give her closure if it will give you peace of mind but don't feel obligated.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.
     
    #11
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  12. mellybabe

    mellybabe New Member

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    Oh, you poor thing. Your situation sounds hard!

    It sounds like your gf is going through some emotional issues. There is a saying that goes along the lines of - to be able to love someone else, you must love yourself first. I think this relates to your girlfriend. She needs time to sort her sh*t out. You are being dragged along and for your own sake, it's creating toxicity in your life. You've done a very good job at being supportive and I too would be struggling with this situation. But you must find some strength to give her space and to give yourself space away from this negative behaviour.

    In my personal opinion, I think she needs to realise what a good person you are. Yes, this may take some time but true love will always find its way back. If it's meant to be, she'll realise and you'll be madly in love again. If it's not meant to be, then she was just a life lesson for you so you know when the real thing comes along!

    Good luck
     
    #12
  13. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Turquoise, I have just thought of another aspect of this which is your current agreement with her and your privacy. I don't have any sympathy for what she has done to you but does she know where she stands with you at this moment?
    Does she think that you have forgiven her but you are here asking if you should let her go? I have known people who have messed up in a relationship, thought they were forgiven and were trying only to find themselves talked about in a forum, albeit anonymously. You don't have your name on here, but you have your RL picture on here. You are sharing some very private affairs on here, I know I am more sensitive to these things but I would ask for advice and make sure my own privacy is protected. I am sorry, I am not trying to be judgy on you, just giving my thoughts and feel free to tell me off if I am over-stepping.

    Again, your gf is a total cad. It sounds like a lack of maturity and giving her your heart is like handing a toddler your most expensive smartphone, it is not safe for the toddler and it is time to get a new phone. I agree with Rac, it is not good for either of you to keep taking her back. There are polite, discreet cheats who can't help what they are but they still love the relationship they have, and she is not even that. I can't imagine flirting with someone else in front of my gf and then deciding to just go home with her. I also can't imagine my gf wanting to still take me home with her just because it was not a convenient night for me to go cheating on her.
     
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  14. Turquoise

    Turquoise Member

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    To everyone here saying i'm a total pushover: I know, I can't deny it, but I also know that for my girlfriend being thoughtful wasn't something she had to do at home. She's never really had to be non-selfish so i'm basically teaching her how, and she's really trying. I've always complained when I felt she didn't put in enough effort, so for being a pushover, perhaps because I didn't break up with her sooner, but I didn't just take it as it was and a lottt has improved since we met each other.

    But at the same time, a lot has been broken as well.. When we were apart, I met someone else, someone sweet, caring, thoughtful, fun, beautiful and responsible. I told her I was dealing with my breakup and didn't want anything more than friendship, but we hit it off so well and things went beyond friendship. She knew how broken up I was about my (then) ex and she supported me, listened, she was my shoulder and my comfort, but I couldn't help but miss my ex every waking moment. I had been honest with the other girl from the start, and I told her that in the end, if things could possibly work out between me and my ex, that would be the only thing i'd want relationship wise and she said she was okay with that. Later on, I told my ex about the girl, after about a month, and she got mad and told me to choose; us getting back together would mean I would have to give up all contact, which I said I would never do.

    She accepted it and from that moment on she put everything she could into making this work, apart from the lies about her cheating.. Somehow, the fact that I met someone who was seemingly perfect but I still couldn't let go of my girlfriend made think twice about breaking up with her, it felt like I had let go of the one and that I would never get over it..

    I know that most people think that I should just let it go and that she will cheat again, and I don't even know what i'm doing in this situation, i've always been the person telling my friends that if someone cheats on them even once, they're not deserving of their trust, and here I am now..

    I just don't want to make a mistake by letting go now that she's actually putting in so much effort, but is it just me wanting to see that? Has anyone ever had a relationship survive this breach of trust?
     
    #14
  15. Turquoise

    Turquoise Member

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    I understand why you'd worry, but honestly, if she read this, I could only hope it would open her eyes to the damage she's done, and how badly it's affected our relationship. Because up to now, she still tries to downplay it when I get mad about it or when i'm having trouble trusting her when she puts a lock on her phone which she barely EVER leaves unguarded, and blames me for being suspicious of what she's doing behind my back.

    She's never been cheated on, and she thinks she's trying to make things right by being more thoughtful, and she won't listen when I tell her that perhaps what's needed to regain my trust and really get me to forgive her for what's happened is more than she's capable of doing.

    If she ever did read this, she'd have the smallest bit of insight into her being lucky to still have a chance at making this work.
     
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  16. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    ...."now that she's actually putting in so much effort?"

    My concern here is why? Because she doesn't want you go anywhere? Is she doing this on her own volition or to show you something?

    People don't change overnight. I'd question her motivation and whether this effort will last or whether it will subside when she knows she's got you again.
     
    #16
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  17. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think this is what happens when you are attracted to someone who is horribly mismatched. You are the "Odd Couple" Couple. You are clean and considerate, she is, well, not. I am guessing the home life for both of you is often parent and child with constant cycle of disappointment and disapproval. A good day is when she doesn't disappoint or do anything to cause you suspicion. The way I picture this, she has probably been told off at home all her life that she is irresponsible and living with you confirms it. So, she went out partying and looking for the approval she wanted elsewhere. Maybe, her acting up is also to figure out if she could mess up so bad and you would still want her. She needs you because she figures if you let go of her she would have nothing to fall back on, it would be like being disowned for her.

    I have actually seen relationships like this work, believe it or not, when Type A actually stops and enjoys Type B and finds the very thing that her Type B brings to the table. I met a couple like that and gosh, I would not want a relationship like that but somehow they worked it out and are happy. I don't think that couple remained all that monogamous but the type B, libertine one actually gets a lot more worried that type A would run off with the person she carries on with because she is more serious about relationships. Your gf is very threatened by this other girl (your clone) because she knows you are the devoted type and you could leave your gf for your clone. All I can say for you is that you two need to set up some boundaries that you can live with. I am sorry I called your gf a cad, maybe if you can't live without her you need to think of this relationship another way. You need boundaries on what kind of mess she leaves or she would have to work to hire a maid. You need to find a safe space for both of you to really tell each other how you feel and want things. If you open up your relationship, as your gf suggested, firstly, you need to be safe and you need to read up on such relationships and see if you can really live with it. I don't think your gf can stay monogamous and you and her need to rethink things. Otherwise it will be this cycle where she will try and then mess up, and where you will want to violate her privacy to see what she is up to. That is a wretched, wretched thing to go through and will destroy your health more than you can imagine.

    On the privacy part, it is not just your gf reading, it is the whole internet accessible world reading.

    Finally, if your relationship is a house, what foundation does it have? Is it unconditional love? Is it enjoyable company? Is it smoking hot sex? You are asking if you should keep this relationship and there is a big chorous behind a bullhorn telling you not to. Your heart tells you different. Well, then find that foundation and actually build something on it that you can not only live with but be excited everyday that you are in this.
     
    #17
    Last edited: May 2, 2015
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  18. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You didn't miss your gf because she was some perfect person meant for you. You missed your gf because you met the other girl too soon (it happens) and hadn't had time to grieve or mourn.

    People aren't all good or all bad. Even the shittiest person out there will have some good traits. And some people might be lousy gf material, but still be fun and funny to be around as friends.

    So you broke up with your gf, but still missed the good things about her. You were still grieving and met someone else, but your heart wasn't ready to open back up. Nothing mystical about this, it doesn't say anything profound about your gf being your true love.

    It just means that breakups take awhile to get over and hearts take awhile to heal - wether the relationship was good or bad.

    You gals' relationship isn't healthy. Lies, cheating, ultimatums. Her treating you like garbage and then only responding when you break it off with her.

    @Spygirl said it perfectly- people don't change overnight. If your gf was willing to take advantage of you, to cheat, to lie - it says something about her as a person. In a very deep way people either feel an obligation to others and feel bound to behave in moral ways, or they don't. Someone doesn't change their core moral beliefs overnight.

    Your gf isn't a decent person who slipped up by cheating. Your gf - as you said - has been in it for herself from the beginning. She probably realizes that you are niave and easy to manipulate. She didn't have any qualms lying to you before to get what she wanted (the cheating) so she doesn't have any qualms now lying to get what she wants (pretending to work on the relationship). She'll play nice for a little while, then slip back into her old behavior.

    I had a gf in college who had a drug problem. She was awesome in about a zillion ways - funny, smart, kind, amazing sex. But- she had a drug problem. She tried to kick drugs, but after a few months or a few weeks would relapse and go on a binge. I had to break up with her. The issues that she had were deeper than just being able to say 'ok, I'm going to quit using now.' She obviously needed therapy, NA, maybe even medicine. It hurt- a lot- breaking up with her. But I had to take care of myself. I had to be realistic about the situation and not let my feelings cloud my accepting reality.

    I loved her, she had deep issues. I wanted it to work, but her issues made it impossible.

    So I let go.

    If it were me, I'd dump your gf. But maybe you just need to learn the hard way and get shit on a few times, waste a few years, get made a fool of, maybe get an std before you see that she's just not a good person. I needed to watch my gf go on binges a few times for it to click for me.
     
    #18
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  19. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    Yes, it happens. A couple really close to me went through that dark period and they're still together. They got through it with a lot of maturity (it happened quite a while ago so it is safe to say they're past it.) I'm not saying you guys aren't mature enough but we only know what you tell us and we only base our opinion/advices on that. So do we think you guys are gonna get past this? Sadly, we don't. But it sounds like you want to give it another go. I think @Bluenote is right, maybe you need to find out for yourself. Maybe she'll prove us wrong. I really hope she does, for your sake.
     
    #19
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  20. Turquoise

    Turquoise Member

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    You couldn't be any closer to the truth, it's exactly that cycle of disappointment and disapproval, which is what makes me realize my own share in making this relationship so difficult and how I also hurt her and make her feel bad, which in turn pushed her away in the past.

    She does worry all the time, about me talking to the other girl, although me cheating is the last thing she'd need to worry about, I don't plan on doing it back, and her telling me that she'd be willing to let me be free in what I do and with whom if it might make it easier for me to forgive her is an offer I wouldn't take her up on.

    I just want things to work again, for her to regain my trust and move forward, I don't believe in throwing this whole thing away when there might be a possibility of us still fixing things. If our relationship would be a house, I might not say unconditional love, but close to it, would be our foundation. I've made (HUGE) mistakes, that she's forgiven me, helped me work through, she's ALWAYS fought for me when I was about to break up with her, which is my weakness. When things get rough, I want out, and she never let me, she's always fought for me, never let me walk away, or listened to me when I wanted her to go.

    Our relationship has been way too crazy, way too hard, way too painful at some points for her to just be in it because it was the easy thing to do or because she's getting so much more out of it than she's putting in, because she'd be long gone if that was the case. I guess I just wanted to know if anyone who'd been cheated on had still been able to make things work..

    Thanks for your advice. :)

    @Bluenote How do you even begin comparing drug abuse to this situation? Sucks that it didn't work out for you, but i'm not dating a trainwreck or one who isn't capable of change, because she is.
     
    #20

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