She broke up with me, because I'm too good for her?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Supposedly interesting, Apr 15, 2015.

  1. Supposedly interesting

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    Alright, here goes.
    I really hope I can get some advice from you guys, 'cause I really don't know what to do or say.

    My girlfriend and I had been together for almost two years, when she broke up with me. (She literally broke up with me a week before our anniversary). Her reason was that I was too good for her. That was her exact words.
    She doesn't think that she deserves to be with me, because she thinks she always upsets me, which she doesn't.
    I have been telling her that I want nothing more from her than what she is and that she IS good enough for me, however she won't change her mind. She says that I'm the best for her, and that we're the best together. She says she loves me, misses me and she still calls me "honey" and all those things.

    The other day we talked on the phone and she said, she wishes she could take it all back, but she won't, because she can't live with herself, because she made me sad, when she broke up.

    Personally, I don't really think she thought this through and there are a lot of indicators, which to me proves, that she still wants me. Us.
    For example:

    1) First of all. Three hours before she came and broke up with me, she texted me saying she was looking forward to see me and ended it with all sorts of loving smileys.

    2) She broke up with me on a friday, but we stayed together all weekend. If she wanted to break up with me, wouldn't she wanna leave, or ask me to?

    3) She just can't let go. She wants to see me, kiss me, hold me etcetera.

    My (ex)girlfriend's self-esteem is almost non-existing, and I'm afraid she is leaving me for all the wrong reasons; things haven't been easy lately. Not between us, but in our separate lives.
    She got fired and the money isn't what they used to (on top up that, she just found out she owes approximately 5000 dollars), school hasn't been good, her sister has serious issues and well, there's been lots of things that just isn't working right now in her life.

    I love her unconditionally and I want to fight for her and us, because, without sounding too "hollywood", I think I have met my perfect match, but why do you guys think?

    Is it just wishful thinking?

    Thanks in advance
     
    #1
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I think probably you're right: it's not an issue with your relationship or with you, but with her ability to deal right now. It sounds like her life is pretty chaotic and she's pretty low, and I can understand why she would think that she shouldn't inflict that on someone else. Sometimes a difficult situation is only made worse when you feel that it seeps out into other parts of your life, and the guilt of making someone party to your difficulty is real and heavy. Sometimes people who cut ties in situations like this are doing it to garner sympathy and get their partners to recommit; sometimes they genuinely believe that a relationship is something they cannot do or cannot do well. Let's assume the best, the latter case - and it become pretty clear that she does still want you, and to be with you, but that she is perceiving the higher responsibility of not hurting or taking advantage of you. Having you, and the need to be kind to you, are at odds for her. To get back together means reconciling these two conflicting needs.

    (Full disclosure: I have given this, "I'm too much of a mess and my mess will not be good for you," reason to someone who wanted to date me. I am SURE that it was the right choice for me in that situation, and that the alternative was a really unhealthy, unfair co-dependance. It would have been much easier for me to let her care for me, but I am proud that I could be aware of her health, my boundaries, and my need to care for myself... even as she told me that she didn't care, and wanted to take care of me.)

    So it is truly kind and good and loving, that you want to support her and believe that your relationship can be a source of strength for her in difficulty. But you can't make anyone do anything, ANYTHING, unless they want to, and if she believes she needs to break up with you, that's pretty much the bottom line. If you have told her that you do not see the situation the way she sees it, that she brings joy and light to your life, that you are there to be her partner and that supporting her when things suck makes you happy - if you've told her these things and she can't hear them, that's all you can do without ignoring her needs and perception of the situation. "Fighting for" a relationship sounds real romantic, but generally it means ignoring your partner's understanding, undermining their reality, and getting them to replace their point of view with yours, which is not so great. If she cannot see what you see and is not willing to try, and you can't see what she sees, you can at least respect that what she is experiencing is real to her, and that she is trying her best to find a solution. You can hope that she will see, with space and support (perhaps from a counselor or therapist) and time, that you can be part of the solution.

    I would actually ask her either give you some distance or reconsider. I think it's deeply unfair for her to be your ex, who spends the weekend, kisses you, holds you, and is still basically in a relationship with you - because it gives her the out from having to be your partner, while she still gets all those needs met. And that's going to hurt you, in time, wear you down, and keep you from moving on (in this relationship or out of it). You can keep the door open - "I'm here if you would like to try dating again, and I think we're great together" - without letting her dictate the terms of your not-so-breakup - "but until that happens, I'm going to need some space to heal."
     
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