Discussion in 'General Advice' started by jella, Mar 1, 2014.

  1. jella

    jella Member

    Mar 1, 2014
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    So about year in a half ago my ex up and left me for a man she just met. Sucked, took me a while but I eventually got over it (or so I thought). Heres where my problem lies. I hadn't laid hands on anyone (vice versa) until recently. About 5 months ago I started talking to a friend, a friend of 3 years. Weve always had some kind of attraction there but we both just kind of ignored because we were both in long term relationships. Once we were both single we realized we could now act upon this sexual chemistry.

    Now back to the problem, 5 months ago we started talking (as more than just friends), the sexual tension between us is outrageous. I mean its like the moment we kiss its intense. My problem is the moment were about to actually have sex I freeze. I get really nervous & freeze. So here we both are all hot and bothered & as soon as an article of clothing comes off I freeze up. Ive never had an issue with sex before, actually Im a very sexual person I consider myself pretty experienced on the topic (Im 26). But all of a sudden Its like Ive never had sex before & have no clue what to do. I mean we've messed around a couple times while intoxicated (oral, finger, strap) but like I said I was intoxicated & it was a quickie. Id like to be able to perform as I normally would while SOBER. I always try to come up with a lame excuse like my roommates will hear, or we dont have enough time. but really the truth is I absolutely have no idea why I'm stopping when Im this horny. This girl has been so patient with it also, I really like her and Im sure she feels the same & were not trying to rush into any relationship but Im sure by now shes getting a little fed up with me basically teasing her with sex then not even living up to it. Im not sure if its performance anxiety or what but I need to get over this, already.

    How should I go about this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
  2. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

    Jan 25, 2014
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    You are having a sub-conscious issue, if you are not sure what is causing this. First, is there anything "wrong" with her that you find to be unattractive or a turn on? After all, sex with a person you are love with an excellent way of showing how much you love them. Drunk sex is good and fun, but sober sex is when your brain is fully functional...

    When I first started dating my love, she would hide her body when she got out of bed to use the bathroom - because of her small A-cup breasts. Its not like she a virgin, with more than 10 years of sexual experience. It took two weeks for me to relax and love her body. After-all, if I am in love with her and find her to be sexy, hiding her body doesn't help things and it shows how much I like looking at her. Any time she had sex in the past, she was usually intoxicated... she was rarely having a great time and her previous ex-gf didn't reciprocate much (in and out of the bedroom). I don't require drinking to be sexual and she too, didn't need to be intoxicated to be sexual... which was resolved when she was at ease with her body - even thou she still wants bigger breasts. :)

    How does this help you? Its called communication. We always talk about our issues or needs... and get things done. Because being silent or lying gets you nothing. Think about it, you are lying to your girlfriend (Is that a proper title?).

    So, next time you two get together - if at your place: Have a private dinner in your room, nice music and at most - just a LITTLE bit of wine to relax you. Let her know how you feel about her as a person, that she turns you on. Then explain to her that you are embarrassed about bring up this issue... Having that break up a year before dating her may be causing your anxiety. It happens. Hence, you are scared about having sex while sober. Seems like your roommates don't care about whatever noises comes out of your rooms. If everyone is adults, we call all deal with it - unless you're using a chain-saw and other very destructive hardware for some reason. But then again, have you tried having sex at her place? Maybe try going to a hotel for a night. There are some business class rooms for $100 a night with a big nice tub with water jets, etc. Easy to fit two people.

    Have this talk without being drunk (at most, tipsy or relaxed). I am betting she'll be understanding. Otherwise, she'll think its HER that is the problem. Next part is my recommendation.

    Give her power over you. Next time you both have sex, maybe the night you have the talk -if she wants... whenever, just next time. Get some massage oil that you like (or you both like). And put her in charge for the next hour or two. I'm not suggesting domination/submission. No strap. Have her start with a full body massage at first, work out the stress from your back - so start, while you are facing down. Avoid talking or having conversations. Its about being in the moment. And you cannot TELL HER STOP or NO until time is up. Even if you do freeze-up, she is to be in control. Even when the massage has move to the front... eyes closed. Nothing else in the world matters.

    A few times of this, should help. But you may need to talk to a sex therapist if you cannot figure out exactly why you are having this problem. There shouldn't be any problems talking to her about this. If you cannot - then there is a problem, what could it be?
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Saw something on TV a long time ago where they had the couple put themselves in intimate settings but not be allowed to touch each other for a period of time (like days). Then they move to being with each other naked and not touching and then they touch but no sex. Eventually they get together sexually and the anxieties were gone.

    I think if I were you I would just have a naked date where you take your clothes off and just share the bed. You can move to cuddling and so on. Sometimes we just can't transition to the big act all of sudden. It is important and intimate, but it should feel safe and ready and yummy. Picture and internal smile when you look at her next to you in bed. You will get there, no worries. :)

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