Sexual orientation question: Is this attraction?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by smiles555, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. smiles555

    smiles555 Member

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    Hey folks,

    I am new here and so just want to start off by saying that I found this forum when I was seeking a place to discuss questions regarding some confusion I am facing regarding what attraction is and basically my sexual orientation. If this is the wrong site to be asking support for sexual orientation related questions then my sincere apologies, I just has no where else I could go as I posted on other forums and I've been met with silence which I assume is because people are busy or maybe they don't have anything to add in regards to my question. If anyone is able to help me out here, I just want to say thank you in advance as I am feeling very alone in this all.

    I am a woman (26 years old) who is a virgin by choice and have never been in a relationship. I identify as hetro-romantic because I can feel romantic attraction towards men and feel no such romantic attraction towards women. I am not sure if I could form a sexual attraction to a guy as I know I can develop a romantic desire but I definitely know that I feel no sexual attraction towards women as I dont even feel a romantic desire and I am probably asexual so definitely dont feel any sexual desire outside of some fantasies.

    So what is the confusion? A few times in the past I have had active (meaning I was awake and it was intentional) romantic fantasies of being with celebrity women (actress and an athlete-fantasized about them in two separate occasions) and imagined being in a dating relationship (living together, kissing etc) and yet as soon as the fantasy was done I couldnt help but laugh at it because I have no attraction towards these women in real life (i.e. when I see them on TV I dont not feel any attraction) but in the past I did watch lesbian movies and maybe it got me curious at to what it would be like. I was turned on by the romantic fantasy but for whatever reason it doesnt crossover to any real life desire.

    My question is: does being attracted to them in the fantasies I had in the past mean that I am attracted to them? I know in real life that I am not attracted to them at all but because of the attraction that I felt only in the past fantasy that I had its left me very confused. FYI, these fantasies were in the past only and I have no desire or attraction to these female celebs in fantasies now at all.

    I should add that due to this confusion regarding past behavior I did end up analyzing if I liked any women in real life for a whole year believe it or not lol and no matter how hard I tried I felt zero romantic or sexual feelings for any women I meet or even get along with. I have nothing but love and peace towards the LGBT community and so accepting same sex feelings if they were present would not be a problem for me. I also have a history of anxiety, over analyzing so that may explain why I am focusing so hard on this but generally its because I am confused if fantasy attraction that doesnt crossover to real life attraction is really attraction?
     
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    Last edited: Jan 31, 2018
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Well, if you look at sexuality and attractions in a continuum, then it is not surprising that a pretty face or a well written character in a movie in a romantic situation can really get you going. It might stop at that, it might not. You might end up with a man or a woman at some late date given that you maybe more choosy and not in any particular hurry to get with someone. But it does sound like you prefer men in general from what you have described.

    Sometimes people fall for people they would never think they'd fall for. I once had a lesbian friend told me that she did not prefer fems but then whamo, one day she was 40 and she fell for one.

    As for your romantic life, you are at a blank slate and being that you are learning about yourself and trying to be self aware, you are off to a good start! The best is yet to come.
     
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  3. Fix Society

    Fix Society Well-Known Member

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    I think sexuality is fluid, it's true, and that you're still in the process of figuring yourself out. That's totally fine. I think this world's a big place, and you'll meet many different people, and it's really normal to not be attracted to anyone you've met. That'd be kinda gross... to just like any random person....

    Fantasy does not translate to real life, fantasies are fantasies and they're ideals. If you translated ideals to actual people that means you also have a problem.

    This is really normal, you'll meet someone you like or not, but I have to tell you that more than one gay kid growing up has had fantasies about celebrities and celebrity crushes and then BAM! It turns out they were gay. Gay fantasies. Gay kids. Gay people. Don't be scared.

    But really, don't sweat it, it'll be less confusing as you get older and wiser. You'll find someone you really got the hots for and you'll be like, huh, I wonder why I was so worried?
     
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  4. smiles555

    smiles555 Member

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    @greylin and @Fix Society

    Thank you both so very much for taking the time to respond to my very confusing issue.Both your insights have been very helpful and just help me get outside my head and get some objective feedback, which I really needed.

    Just to emphasize, I feel no fear at all in the idea of truly being a bisexual or a lesbian. I know my question can seem like a "I really hope you don't have internalized homophobia" issue but in my situation it really is just the nature of my over analytical mindset that dwells over any topic whether it is my sexuality, health, personality etc. This whole fantasy happened like a whole year ago and just recently I started nit picking what it meant not because of any fear or denial but because of the confusion related to it not matching my real life feelings for these celebrity women i.e. being attracted to them in fantasy in the past did not = to me finding them attractive in a romantic/sexaul way in real life and this is what led to this post.

    In regards to my sexuality, at almost 27 years old I feel like I am pretty much going to remain asexual for the rest of my life based on my history in that I have had opportunity to date and have looked at guys in a "I would actually date you in romantic way, but I'll have to decline" but because there is no sexual desire or strong romantic desire for any human being that is real i.e. outside of fantasies and because I like my own company and have other goals in life and feel the idea of being with someone beyond friendship as just too much, I can't see me actually being with someone. This has been a consistent theme throughout my life and whilst I completely agree and respect that sexuality can be fluid and remain very open to it changing, I won't be surprised if in my case I remain happily single for the rest of my life :)
    In almost 27 years of living, I have never felt a void in not being with someone romantically or sexually and actually consider the whole idea a chore most times in my life than not. I just think hetro-romantic acknowledges that I can and have formed a romantic attraction to men and not towards women and would consider being in a romantic relationship with a guy but with a "very,very unlikely because there is no strong pull for it. No matter how charming someone is and how attracted I am to them, I am just way more attracted to being happily single ". I hope this gives a better insight into my situation.

    @Fix Society your breakdown of fantasies was super informative, thank you. So this may sound like a really silly question but what is attraction based on? If in my case the attraction was in fantasy only and was not reality, would it be considered attraction? At what point is what you feel in fantasy a measure for how you really feel?

    I think that's the only thing I am trying to work out right now as you both have really helped me get through some initial hurdles---thank you again abundantly for the generosity of your time, I am fully aware that I may be intruding on a space for the lesbian or bi community and completely get it if I have taken up time on an issue non related to this forum.
     
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  5. Fix Society

    Fix Society Well-Known Member

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    You're not... intruding... Intruding? You're more than welcome to post in forums!

    Are you asking what is "attraction" psychosomatically or biologically? We've developed as a society a mindset of codependency and a desperate need to bond in a monogamous long-term relationship with another person, categorized in mainstream media as "love" and ignoring all other options. In reality, people are multi-faceted, attraction is a mix of hormones flooding in your brain, and there are so many variables and options that people can even become sexually attracted and attached to inanimate objects (cars, fruit, etc...)

    It can be based on what society tells you, your experiences, what brings you relief at different points of maybe stress or anxiety in your life. In your case, maybe it stems from a desire to be closer to someone, we're social creatures at the heart of it all. Even in independence, we all crave close attention sometimes.

    So maybe what you're desiring is not a relationship or 'love' per se, but something else. "Attraction" can mean attachment or a sense of pull towards anything, because of anything, and shouldn't necessarily be taken to mean one thing and one thing only. Things can be symbolic and have deeper meanings beyond the face of it. After all, you identify as asexual, and mainstream media wouldn't be able to classify you into any category either.

    At exactly the crossroads where how you feel, what you want, and fantasy meet, then that's where you'll find your reality.

    If you want this fantasy to become reality, if it's how you really feel regardless of fantasy or reality, if you're actively seeking to turn this fantasy into reality, that's where you can find yourself. But balanced on top of all that is also your own overreaching defining desires and choices - like being asexual.

    People fantasize and dream as a rule of thumb. Without it, we wouldn't be able to explore possibilities and worlds and we might as well be dead inside. You explored mentally, didn't like it physically, and there you go, you crossed off that option on your list.

    Don't worry about it, seriously, people let their minds fantasize just to see what's right for them or not. If it doesn't feel right to you fundamentally, then it's not for you.
     
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  6. smiles555

    smiles555 Member

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    Thank you so much @Fix Society

    You wrote a lovely and detailed reply. Because I've realized my issue is more a mental health one than sexuality, I am in a really difficult head space right now but your time has not been wasted and hopefully in time I can re-read your post with a more clear mind and be better able to take it all in.

    I wrote a long explanation of the fact that I realise now my issue is more a mental health issue than sexuality but just edited it because I dont want to make this conversation into something it wasnt originally and flood this forum with more of my problems.

    Thank you again for everything.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 6, 2018
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    @smiles555 please feel free to talk as much and as little about what's bothering you. It is all related anyhow.
     
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  8. smiles555

    smiles555 Member

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    Thanks alot @greylin :) I am in awe of the kindness and support you and fix society have provided me here because I really was a mess a few weeks ago and very alone. The reason I thought it best not to continue talking about my issues is because I realized it wasn't a confusion over sexuality issue, but rather a confusion over what attraction meant that has spiraled into an obsessive tendency to keep thinking on the issue, which resulted in me not being able to comprehend basic information. I took a break to clear my mind and relax.

    I have a long history with anxiety and basically this whole "what defines attraction" question began when I reflect back on the past romantic fantasies on those celebrity women to better understand myself. I reflect back on past behaviors quite frequently as I am just one of those people who like to analyse myself in a healthy way so that I can know myself better. I asked some folks and they told me that because my past fantasies were intentional and active (not dreams in your sleep) that meant that I was attracted to these celebrity women. But because I was only attracted to the thoughts of these celebrity women in those fleeting 2-3 times fantasies and when those fantasies were over so did the feelings of attraction. I explained to them that when I saw these women on tv, social media I felt no attraction to them and sill don't. Their understanding of attraction really confused me not on sexuality but in general. I thought well if I have a fantasy about another random person of even worse an animal does that mean I am attracted to them and then that spiraled into "I fear having fantasies because it can end up really bad because my mind may wander into animals and other things that would seriously damage my mental health because I would never want to think of doing anything with an animal" and because I have long history of letting confusion turn into anxiety and then turn into obsessive thoughts, I handled this whole confusion very badly and it impacted my health. This is also not be confused with internalized homophobia because I am am not equating my concern of fantasizing animals to celebrity women. I had and still have no regrets or negative emotion to the fantasy, its more so the confusion of the technical term of attraction and figuring out how I felt something in fantasy that did not crossover to real life. I hope I am making sense, its al complicated.

    I've now just relaxed about everything and remember that being confused about any topic in life is normal and its okay if people confuse you because it's a chance to learn more about a topic like sexuality and learning about the diverse understandings of the term "attraction" that I have zero clue about until this confusion began so it all works out for the best because I can now be better informed about everything :) I have now just relaxed and have taken an inquisitive approach towards not just this issue but life in general. I am still a work in progress as I have had anxiety for most of my life in various different areas but its a start.


    Question:
    @Fix Society Your break down of the various ways to define attraction is very brilliant. I hope you don't mind if now that I have a clear mind I just ask a question just to make sure that I am on the same page?

    "If you want this fantasy to become reality, if it's how you really feel regardless of fantasy or reality, if you're actively seeking to turn this fantasy into reality, that's where you can find yourself. But balanced on top of all that is also your own overreaching defining desires and choices - like being asexual."

    Okay, very clear on the above. Can I ask when you say "find yourself" can you expand on this briefly? Is this how to measure if you are attracted to someone? Sorry if I seem to be asking simple questions, alongside my voluntary limited life experience in the romantic/intimate area one of the most debilitating consequences of anxiety is that you end up having to break things down to easier intellectually digest it.

    And no obligation to respond, you've both provided so much of your time and support. Hope to be of service and helps folks out too as I slowly crawl out of my own confused state.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 12, 2018
  9. smiles555

    smiles555 Member

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    @greylin and @Fix Society Please ignore my message above. I am happy to report that I have finally realized what my issue was, namely that I've identified how to stop this over-analyzing and obsessing and confusion because I understand its all rooted in anxiety that is an endless cycle that I need to end. To end this, I believe I must also end asking a million questions loool. Fix society your explanation now makes perfect sense because I get that fantasy meeting reality=finding yourself aka who you truly are and what you desire (at least that's my take). Anxiety can make you consistently doubt you are reading things right and whilst I have a long way to climb out of, I am really grateful to just see this for what it is.

    Thank you both so much. I know I keep saying thank you. But when I came into contact with this forum I had no where to go and turn to so I am beyond grateful for both of your kindness of time. Wishing you both nothing but awesomeness in life :)
     
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  10. Pearl

    Pearl Member

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    If you have no romantic feelings for women, period, you are not biromantic. If you experience romantic feelings towards men, then yes you are hetero.

    But as for sex, you don’t know unless you try it out with as many people as you can. If you enjoy sex with men, you are heterosexual, but if you don’t end up enjoying sex, you are an asexual who experiences romance (there are asexuals who don’t experience romantic feelings at all, and those who actually do).
     
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  11. Fix Society

    Fix Society Well-Known Member

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    Thank goodness! I'm glad you realized it was symptomatic of a larger problem and not the problem per se. So happy for you! It just takes a little thought on your own, away from people. Don't let them talk you into anything big again! Always analyze for yourself first. Now you can start to undo all the cords that are confusing you in your head and making sense of what's really wrong and keeping you from living a fulfilling life. Here's hoping a good life to you! Good luck!
     
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