Sexless

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by prettyodd93, Apr 7, 2016.

  1. prettyodd93

    prettyodd93 New Member

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    Hello everyone,

    I apologise in advance for the long post, I tend to ramble a bit.. I'm posting here because I'm pretty sure my friends are fed up of hearing about my situation.
    I'll start from the beginning.. my girlfriend and I are both bisexual and we've been together 3.5 years since we started university. She is my first relationship ever and first sexual relationship I've had with a girl. She had a girlfriend as a teenager.

    When we first got together she was very flirty. The first time we had sex I was giving and she was receiving and I didn't think much of it at the time. She confessed she wasn't very experienced. Neither was I, so I didn't care and I thought we'd learn things together.

    We spent half of the first two years of our relationship doing long-distance because of work placements. Almost a year in and she had barely spoken to me for four months during one of these separations. She shut me out because she was very depressed and that's how she deals with it. She phoned to tell me she knew she hadn't been treating me properly and loved me but I deserved better. Looking back I did, but we were going to be back at uni together soon so I was determined to give it a chance.

    Back at university I felt distant from her. We'd been together over a year at this point and we had sex occasionally, but I was always giving and never receiving, despite efforts to talk to her about it. I'd thought it was because of inexperience and would happen in time. We used to sext and I knew she masturbated. I wondered if she was asexual but she swore she was attracted to me.

    We agreed to go on a break and during this time she initiated sex for the first time and fingered me. I was ridiculously happy. Also during this break I kissed another girl. I told my girlfriend, who was a lot more upset than I thought she'd be. We ended up getting 'properly' back together and things were good for a while, with more sex and lots of happy times together.

    Fastforward to today and I very much love my girlfriend, I'm just not sure I'm in love with her in the way that I used to be. Sex is still a major issue for us. She refuses to go down on me which absolutely kills me. She's never done it before and I would never force her to do anything against her will, but I wish she would try. I wish she would want to try because it would make me happy. We have talked and argued and cried about it and I now have to accept that it isn't going to happen.

    Sometimes I think I can deal with this, if we are having sex regularly, but we are not. It's now been 5 months since we did. We had an argument not long after that where I told her that I wasn't going to initiate it any more because it hurts me too much when I get turned down, which is most of the time. We barely kiss any more and if I try to be affectionate she often sighs as if it's a chore. I used to have a high sex drive but I barely think about it any more because I know it's not going to happen. I am starting to wonder if I am sexually attracted to her anymore, which makes me sad because I love her very much.

    I feel as though I am painting my girlfriend in a very bad light here which isn't the case.. other than the sex issue she is a fantastic person. She was my rock a few years ago when I got sexually assaulted. I've been recently diagnosed with depression and I wouldn't have got through it without her, she's the only one that makes me feel better. She has suffered with depression since her teens and I feel so useless when she is down because I can't help her the way she helps me and instead she shuts me out.

    I can't imagine my life without her. We've been living together with a group of friends for 8 months now and will be until the end of Summer. After that she goes back to her family home and I stay near university. We've had some very frank discussions lately about how if long distance doesn't work then we don't drag it out and risk being unhappy. I just don't think she realises how unhappy I am right now.

    We both have our own issues and I think she needs to sort hers out before we can mend our relationship - her depression and anxiety have worsened since her twin moved away a few months ago, she's recently had a death in the family and family drama and we have important deadlines approaching. I know she is very unhappy and has been for these last few months we haven't had sex, which is why I've accepted it won't happen right now.

    I love her so much and want a future with her, but I can't be in a sexless relationship for the rest of my life. I know that you can't plan the future when it comes to relationships, but I need to do something or I'm going to be in this exact same situation in a years time. My current plan looks like this:

    July - we graduate and I go travelling for a month
    August - she goes travelling
    September - we see each other again
    September - December - we see how long distance and settling into life after uni goes

    In December we'll have been together for four years. If we haven't had sex by that point it will have been a year of not having sex. Which sounds ridiculous but I can see it happening. I think at that point I suggest couples counselling. It sounds like a silly idea but she's been very responsive to therapists and such in the past with her own issues. If we can't reach some sort of happy medium then I think I will have to end my relationship.

    It breaks my heart to even say that. We have such a deep emotional connection, but that's all it is right now. I feel as though she's the most important person in my life, but it doesn't feel like she's my girlfriend.

    What are your thoughts on the situation and what I should do?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You guys are not sexually compatible. But the incompatibility sounds like a matter of the type of sex acts and not necessarily the frequency, because one begets the other. Couple's counseling is the best way to see if you can bridge that gap. This will take a lot of back and forth between you, her and a mediator/counselor if there any compromise that will make everyone happy. I would not wait for couple's counseling, you are unhappy now and this kind of unhappiness does a lot to a person emotionally and physically. I hope you two can sort this out for the best. Take care, Prettyodd93.
     
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  3. becsgotswag

    becsgotswag Member

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    In the nicest way possible, you are just friends. This is purely my opinion. Sexual interaction is the only thing that is different between a friendship and a relationship. Ofcourse that isnt always true but you get the point. Basically If you were in a relationship its acceptable for you to share everything in your life emotionally with other people but sexual interactions are the NO GO.

    You guys will be great friends but if the sexual chemistry isnt there it isnt there. At the end of the day you are both unhappy and something has to give.
     
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    So, your question: Can you love someone, feel an emotional connection with them, have a good life built with someone and have them NOT be a good romantic partner for you?

    Girl, you already know the answer.

    Everything that is keeping you in this relationship is habit, comfort, familiarity. You can't imagine your life without her; you have been with her for so long; you have so many friends in common; you care about her. Those are good things, and they are important to long-term stability - necessary, but not sufficient to a loving and sustaining partnership. The things that are missing, though, are also necessary. Sexual connection and satisfaction is important, if it is important to you, and while she should not feel pressured to have sex more or in ways that are uncomfortable for her, that is enough of a reason that she is not a good partner for you. Nothing is going to change, because she is content with/satisfied by the amount and kind of sex you are having (or at least that is the impression I get from your post).

    So you need to clue her in, now, to how important this is to you. Don't wait for something to change - it's been 3.5 years of this dynamic, and a few more months is not going to dramatically change anything that has been calcifying for so long. Give her the information to decide to try or to call it quits, because her needs/desire/capacity is also relevant here. Counseling is a good idea, just to help you navigate whether to continue the relationship and what steps to take; if you decide that ending your relationship is the right course, counseling will also be helpful in untangling and dealing with your feelings during that process.

    And don't settle for less than you need and deserve. You are 22; you have been in this one very emotionally loving but kind of physically "meh" relationship for your entire adult life. So let me say, clearly and positively, that there are worlds of people out there who want to go down on you, who will love and support and be your best friend and tear your clothes off. Ending a relationship with someone you care about it very, very hard, but sometimes it is the right thing to do so that you can both grow into the people you need and want to be. Lots of people on this forum have done it, and it is not foolish to walk about from something pretty good in search of something better.

    I also want to address something else you said:
    You sure the hell can.

    Maybe you can't always plan and predict your feelings; you can't control the random things life throws at you; you can't plan for everything. But I completely disagree that you can't plan the future when it comes to relationships - that is what marriage is, and I believe that deciding to commit, take the action necessary to sustain your love, and then being present, kind, supportive, and loving to your partner - that is a plan! It is a joyful, exciting, beautiful plan, but it is 100% a thing that I looked at and said "I want to be there with my relationship in 1, 10, 15 years: how do I do that? how do we do that? what are the steps we need to take, and the conversations we need to have, and the ways of being and communicating we need to build?"

    That is a Relationship Plan, TM, and I make it every damn day; it might not be a romantic way to think about it, but it is a practical and effective way to be in a relationship, which is mostly not romantic. It's kind of like wanting a garden filled with beautiful flowers, and but believing that you can't plan for that - you're right, you can't make the flowers bloom, but you can muck about in the fertilizer and build a trellis and encourage pollinators and get callouses pulling weeds, and if you're very lucky all that work and planning with create the conditions where your plants flourish and flower. Waiting for the payoff - enthusiastic sex, deep emotional connection - without doing the work is an exercise in chance and disappointment. So: make a plan. Make it with your girlfriend. Check in about it often and make sure it is still working for you and for her.
     
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  5. Lauren_1989

    Lauren_1989 Active Member

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    In my opinion, sex is the most important way of developing and sustaining an emotional connection with a partner. It shows the other person that you care for them, you love them and it's even more important in a long term relationship where things can stagnate a bit.

    Although the physical aspect of sex is fantastic, it's the emotional boost it gives you as well that's so important. It makes you feel desired, loved and attractive. At your age all of these things are important (at any age, really). You're not wrong to want sex and I know from experience that the constant rejection can leave you feeling unloved.

    If you think that this isn't something that's going to change then you have to consider your next move; stay in the relationship (which is effectively a friendship) or take the plunge and find someone who will make you feel desired and loved in the way that you crave.
     
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  6. prettyodd93

    prettyodd93 New Member

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    You just made me cry. Everything you said is so accurate. Thank you.
     
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  7. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Good luck figuring out how to move forward.

    Also, I just want to put it out there that I am also anxious/depressive, and have been my whole life. The way your girlfriend is treating you is Not Okay; I know that if I withdrew from/became uncommunicative with my wife during my worst periods, my marriage would probably not last. That's not because I need to be punished for my depression, or because she can't help me get through it, but because I am responsible for being as kind, present, and self-sufficient as I can be, even when the chemicals in my brain seriously betray me. If she wants your relationship to last and flourish, addressing this coping behavior should be a goal of her therapy and treatment.

    My depression does impact our sex life, but we negotiate and communicate around it, because it's important to both us to be physically and emotionally intimate. Depression and anxiety are probably always going to be with me, so living with them in the best possible way is the choice I have to make to support and love my wife (like I promised to when we made all those plans!).
     
    #7
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