Sexless Lesbian Marriage

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by needadvice, Sep 12, 2018.

  1. needadvice

    needadvice New Member

    Jun 5, 2018
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    I never write in forums and rarely ask for advice, but I am at a time in my life where I am completely lost and need an outsider’s perspective. I am a 32-year-old woman who has been married to a 34-year-old woman for 2 years (been dating 2 years prior- so together for a total of 4 years). Our relationship started out sexual when we were first dating and intimacy was not an issue. She moved in with me very quickly and I feel like perhaps that’s when things started to slowly become less intimate. We did absolutely everything together and always had the most meaningful and deepest of conversations together (still do). Over the course of the first two years of dating the sex/kissing/touching/making out had slowly slowed down from weeks, to months, to several months - however our emotional connection and bond had strengthened… we could tell each other anything and everything and always received a wise loving and caring response. I believe we are so similar at times that we are one in the same however there are clear differences that greatly set us apart as well (one of them being our sexual desires). I proposed to her two years in because I thought I found my life partner. At that time sex hadn’t happened for several months prior but for some reason I thought that was something that would either eventually improve or I would be fine with a lack of sex for months at a time. I thought that maybe it wasn’t as much sex as I would like but I’m not a super sexual person anyway and the emotional intimacy was way more important to me than having sex every week or so. I didn't realize that our relationship would become completely sexless. In the last two years of our marriage we haven’t had sex since our honeymoon. Our relationship has turned almost into a platonic roommate scenario.

    I have had two prior relationships before her, both ending in a lack of sex/feelings from the other person so I feel almost cursed that everyone that I have dated ends up not desiring me after a year or two. As with my past relationships and my current wife, whenever I try to initiate intimacy I constantly get shut down or get the cold shoulder. I feel like I am a very attractive woman however something about me has been turning off all the women I’ve ever been with almost exactly a year and a half in. Over time I think that the constant rejection has hurt my self-confidence and self-esteem. After repeated rejections I just stopped trying and that’s when I realized that the two years had gone by.

    The relationship with my wife is just about perfect if not for the lack of intimacy. If it weren’t for the lack of physical connection, I believe we would have the strongest marriage ever. Our relationship is otherwise super healthy and loving and we care so very deeply about one another’s feelings and have so much respect for each other. The situation now is that I’ve become aware about how long it’s been since I’ve felt her touch and have been craving a physical connection more and more each day. She doesn’t like anyone in her space on the couch or on “her” side of the bed when we are sleeping. It’s almost like she has a protective barrier around her – she says she gets claustrophobic when I rest my head on her or try to cuddle her. There has been no kissing, rarely ever holding of hands, and a lack of any sweet loving touches. She loves when I give her a massage or rub her back or play with her hair but she never reciprocates any of the physical connections back.

    Over the last month I had brought up the elephant in the room and we have had some serious conversations about it. I am the first real relationship she’s ever been in (guy or girl). She was a closeted lesbian for all her life besides the few months prior to meeting me. She said she thought sex would be this great thing since she never really experienced it before but once she had it - it wasn’t as amazing as she always fantasized it to be. She said she doesn’t know if she would feel that way with anyone else but she doesn’t desire to have any sexual connections with me. Any fantasies that she has ever had were never reciprocal – it was never of someone touching her but only of her touching another woman for her enjoyment only- not to please the other person. She said that she feels like I touch her only so that she would touch me back and that I should just enjoy touching her. That hurt me because what does that mean if she fantasies about touching other women but doesn’t enjoy touching her own wife? She also said I’m attractive but doesn’t feel sexually attracted to me. She actually said she feels like I’m one of her best friends or sisters. That also really hurt me. These conversations were very hard for both of us, but we became very honest with each other and ourselves. We both admitted that we weren’t “head of heels” in love with each other or attracted to each other but that we got along so close and emotionally invested in one another that we both thought it was superficial not to be with someone who was otherwise a perfect soul mate just because we didn’t have those butterfly feelings for each other.

    Now that we have been together for so long and built a life together it’s terrifying to imagine a life without her. However, when I see couples in movies or real life holding or kissing or showing each affection I feel deeply saddened that it is missing in my life. I crave being desired and want to be physically loved- not just emotionally. I’m starting to wonder if I will regret being with someone who is basically asexual. I’m in my early thirties and both her and I agree that if we were to separate we should do it soon since time isn’t going to give us our youth back. After our talks we have been trying to sit/cuddle closer to each other or kiss each other goodbye but the progress has been very slow and almost mechanical. I want her to do these things because she wants to, not because she feels like she has to....but we both think that perhaps getting in a habit of doing little physical things like that will help us snap out of feeling like we are roommates.

    I think the thought of not having each other in our lives scares the crap out of both of us but It also scares me to think that I could be an old woman wondering what it would be like to have someone who not just desired my company and companionship but also desired my body. She said she is perfectly fine with our relationship the way it is and that she just wants me to be happy- even if that means us separating. I feel like the pressure is all on my shoulders to make a decision but I feel like I don’t even know what I want. I’m afraid I’ll never find another woman that I will have the emotional connection that we do and that whatever intimacy I would find with another woman would soon deteriorate like it always has in my past. I love spending time and sharing my life with my wife and I don’t want lose what we’ve built together just because I might think the grass is greener on the other side... but then again I don't want to become bitter and resentful of spending the rest of my life in abstinence relationship. My mind keeps going back and forth of the different scenarios and they both seem doomed.

    I know I just wrote a novel but any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated.
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
    Likes Received:
    I am so sorry your marriage is not ending up to be what you want it to be. I think you have been incredibly patient to have let things gone on for so long. If she has such an aversion to physical intimacy and is giving you an out, then it is not really so much that it is all on your shoulder. The longer this goes on the more you would resent her and you would not be able to part friends anymore. This can’t continue and I would find it completely untenable.

    My partner and I have emtional intimacy as well and we have evisioned our old age living amicably side by side with cups of tea and stories all day. But we would still talk about our needs, emotional and physical. If her needs and yours are not the same, life is too short to shoe horn this into something that won’t work. I know we can’t expect a partner to be everything but this is basic stuff and I find the communication to be lacking in your marriage or as I have said earlier, you are just very patient.

    Again I am sorry this is happening and please be kind to yourself and not let this make you feel any less desirable. It is not fair to think that of yourself. You sound like you have a lot to give and offer some lucky girl someday. Please take care.
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2018

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