Sex issues with gf have me at the end of my r...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Falk08, Oct 14, 2013.

  1. Falk08

    Falk08 Well-Known Member

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    Any helpful tips would be great, I'll answer bag questions as well. I truly love and want to marry my gf but I just don't see how I can sign up for a life where I'm entirely in satisfied.
     
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  2. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

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    Re: Sex issues with gf have me at the end of ...

    A few things to be mindful of...

    1. when u say this has been a recurring issue in her relationships what do u mean by that? How many times would u like to have sex say in a month?

    2. the more u say it the more she will push u away. The way you approach the subject also plays a role. are you assertive and calm or lash or and act passive/aggressive. hot/cold and give her the silent treatment. if so you need to go back to interpersonal relationships basics to learn and enhance ur communication skills.

    3. what is her libido like? did u guys have a lot of sex in the beginning ? if so.. this could be an issue of oxytocin hormone settling down.

    4. Is she suffering from depression and or anxiety? Is she stressed.

    5. u say she has a kid, does she also work full time? does she have a close family and or friends... these could be questions u might want to answer to urself because at the end of the week ppl want to relax. sex is relaxing. are you usually aggressive in ur love making ? perhaps try to give her a massage without a happy ending.. simply touch her and see what her reaction is.

    if she doesn't want to be touched neither affectionately or sexually then I would assume there's an underlying problem.

    6. she could be asexual.

    7. she could be out of touch with herself. ask her and see if u can engage her in a conversation regarding how and when she masturbates. see if she would be willing to masturbate in front u or vice versa. it could be very bonding and intimate.

    8. is her kid always around when u are around? maybe she's worried about sounds and what not.


    9 months is a short time and since u guys only see each other once or twice a week and dont live together ( that's good!) so u both have time to miss each other and want to be close to one another in whatever way.

    10. when u say u do nice things for her and try to make her feel safe and loved etc.. have u communicated with her whether the things u do are things that she actually likes. does she express her appreciation to you ? does she feel comfortable telling u what she likes to be done to her or u sexually?

    11. if every sunday there's a fight about sex, she may also feel a burden is coming up every week also. she may feel as though the only reason u spend time with her is to have sex. Obviously i don't know what goes on in your relationships i am just throwing ideas at u. things u can think about u know.

    also do u guys spend most of ur time indoors? if so go out! go for a walk, walk the dog, grab a cup of tea or ice cream, take the kid to park. if the same thing happens every week things get boring, exhausting, emotionally and physically draining.

    and lastly if this has been going on before u then I don't think u are the problem here. how old are you? and what is the age difference.

    Therapy is good. Therapy is great. so ya these are 2 cents i hope it was a little helpful :D
     
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: Sex issues with gf have me at the end of ...

    Omglol gave you a lot to think about. I just want to add that while you might think that she doesn't care enough about you to satisfy you, she might think that you care too much about sex and not enough about her. If you saw each other once a week, to me it is pretty lacking to not even make out. She might feel that making out is a contract to finish in sex and for some reason, she is just not into it.

    I think if I were you I would rethink my commitment to her. It is not just the sex part but there is a problem in the relationship and she is not helping. She doesn't even want to get couples therapy when you feel hurt. I know that there are a lot of details in your relationship that I am missing and it is silly for me to react your couple of paragraphs and say, "ya, just kick this one to the curb." I think I would try therapy for myself like Omglol suggested, and if I am making any progress for myself, talk to her about it. In the meantime, I would let her know that I would not initiate sex anymore but just let her initiate. I would also let her know that if I were touching her and caressing her, I would be doing just those things and not initiating or expecting anything. She is going through some problems I think and not ready to deal.
     
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  4. Falk08

    Falk08 Well-Known Member

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    Re: Sex issues with gf have me at the end of ...

    to really think be
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: Sex issues with gf have me at the end of ...

    Hi, when I mentioned about having you not initiate sex and just let her do it, I meant for that to be a temporary strategy. It should not be the norm and it is something you should both, under normal circumstances be comfortable doing. You can use all the help when you are trying to be with someone who had past trauma. You might have some free therapy sessions at the university or you can go on a support group for partners of people who had experienced sexual trauma.

    If you tell her you won't initiate until further notice, then she will know for sure that each time you snuggle up, you are really not going to press her for anything further. She needs to find her power and her balance with a partner who is supportive as you. When you get help, you can gain an understanding so that you don't feel like you are unattractive. Good job getting the message to her about your needs, and no, I don't think they are excessive at all.
     
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  6. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

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    Re: Sex issues with gf have me at the end of ...

    ok lets see:

    24 and 23, very young not that it has anything to do with it but could've explained some libido changes. women go through phases. for example if her period is not regular it changes the phases of sexual arousal. im getting technical here... i apologize lol

    is she on any medication? that could explain some libido and hormonal imbalance.


    if she is asexual, there is nothing u can do about it. she can't change.

    ok sounds like u are being a respectful, understanding, and a validating person who also does a decent job of communicating.


    past sexual traumas: i hope she got into therapy for that. if she is still battling that u can't do anything about it until she seeks help herself. anything could be a trigger for her.

    the aggressor also makes sense, it could be because she wants to be in control due the traumas she has had. she prefers to be in control and initiate.

    and I'm sure u don't want to walk on egg shells around her because it gets emotionally and physically draining for both parties.


    thing is since her body may not be producing as much oxytocin, this is biology. when 2 women come together there is a period of total passion and intimacy. some ppl burn through it fast, some drag it for a little while. it lasts between 6 to 16 months. that's why it's disastrous on many cases when people of any gender or sexuality either get engaged or move in together during that period. It is the nesting effect. so that's good that u guys aren't living together this early on.


    u want to physically be more intimate and nothing wrong with that, 4 times a month is not much at all.

    now u say she doesn't want to even make out with u or hold ur hand ..so then ya there is something going on here. i don't think promises alone will solve anything.

    i would say she masturbating is a good sign, she is being in touch with herself on a regular basis which is very healthy. I recommend doing it together, don't touch just watch. like I've said it could be very bonding and intimate to see how ur partner pleasures herself.

    it's ok that u are feeling neglected. u have a right to have feelings, so does she. now cookie points for her if she actually validates u whether she agrees or not.


    good so u know that number 11 is part of the problem.


    i am sry to hear you've been having a rough time in ur personal life. and 9 months is not long to be going through so much within the relationship. i understand it's becoming very stressful and creating this fear of future how can u go on like this.

    the other thing that comes to my mind is that is she comfortable with her sexuality?



    "It’s just really hard to spend a weekend with my gf who is supposedly in love with me and only peck all weekend, It feels like we’re overcomofortable friends, ya know?"

    i understand what u are saying here. I do, u want to feel loved, appreciated and be given attention like the way u do to her. Sorry if i said something that was hard to understand, apparently i have a thing for psychology lol.

    sex alone is usually an umbrella for other underlying issues which i tried my best to give u my opinion on.
    my final thought? Therapy! not just for intimacy but for u and her, separately and together. i hope it works out!
     
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  7. Falk08

    Falk08 Well-Known Member

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    Re: Sex issues with gf have me at the end of ...

    Thanks so much everyone!
     
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