Sex, drugs n straight girl woes - or what am I doing to attract all the crazies

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Ferdy, Jul 28, 2017.

  1. Ferdy

    Ferdy Member

    May 22, 2015
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    Just have to get this long story off my chest. Hugs and solidarity most welcome.
    So I met an amazing woman very recently. We had a connection from the outset - I felt that we could be really great friends, and even other people were remarking on how much we clicked. She's the friend of some other friends/acquaintances I don't know very well.
    My situation is that I came out bisexual (with great support from this site!) a couple years ago. I am married to a man, who knew from the start I was also attracted to girls. Coming out has been a difficult but life changing experience - I'm now comfortable with who I am and to acknowledge my sexuality instead of pushing it down. My husband has been a rock. We've talked hypotheticals and he's happy for me to to explore if I feel the need. We're committed to each other but I'm at a time in my life where my attraction to women is very powerful.
    Second time I met her out we were in a club. There was a little mdma involved. Right from the start of the night (even before it kicked in) she was full-on flirting. Before I knew it we were kissing on the dancefloor. This was initiated by her but I wasn't complaining or holding back! We were attached to each other all night and it felt amazing.
    I took myself off home at the end of the night instead of going back to our friends' place - it had been full on, I was tired and I needed to regroup.
    We chatted on messenger a lot from the day after, didn't mention any passions of the heart but nice, chatty, close messages.
    So I have been pretty busy and didn't get another opportunity to go out with her for a while, but did invite her over for dinner while my husband was away on holiday for a week. She came round and we had a great evening. Neither of us drank much, we were just chatting non-stop and really getting to know each other.
    We didn't talk about the night in the club at all. I made a decision - that she was straight, probably a little embarrassed about that night, and that we had the potential to be really wonderful friends and I wanted to prioritise that. For me that was the end of any shenanigans. If we were going to work on this friendship, no more snogging or we'd end up confused and I'd be frustrated. I was a little disappointed as this was feeling again like I'd been on the end of someone's mid-life crisis (oh how I've been there!), but I felt the friendship was worth it and I was prepared to put the work in, but needed to kill off any sexual tension quickly. So I was pleased with myself for being decisive, protecting my feelings and committing to the friendship.
    So last weekend I went out clubbing with her and some friends. Hadn't seen each other in a couple of weeks, more texting and fb-ing etc.
    Towards the end of the evening I grabbed her for a chat. I really wanted to clear the air and get any possible misunderstanding out of the way - thought I was being honourable etc. So I said 'Just wanted to ask you. Remember in the club? We were snogging right? How do you feel about that' She was really embarrassed and said that she'd just been off her face and it was really bad. She was super uncomfortable. I was a little bit taken aback as I thought she was really open-minded, but I reassured her that I was really relaxed about it, it was just that night's thing, it wasn't a big deal with my family situation and I wanted to be great friends.
    We went back to friends house and tbh everyone was pretty wrecked. I did feel that she was being a little cool but we were all tired.
    I texted her the next day to say I really was glad we'd spoken briefly and to reassure her again it was all cool and I saw us being awesome friends
    Since then. Nothing.
    Finally got a text from her yesterday. I'd liked a mix she'd done on soundcloud and she said 'glad you liked it. Thank you for listening'
    I asked if she was OK. 'yes'
    So I'm just floored at the difference between what felt like really easy warmth between us, even up to that night last weekend, and present reality.
    I'm a little cross that she's so unwilling to own her behaviour, but hey. She's straight. She hasn't been through the soul-searching I have. She was pretty high. I was pretty high. I can forgive that and had already decided to put it aside.
    But I'm really upset that I've inadvertently handled this so clunkily and may have strangled the friendship when I was trying to do the opposite, to get rid of any ambiguity and give it room to grow. We both have holidays and stuff so time to step back and I hope we can start fresh, but I fear that maybe I'm too challenging for her and her embarrassment is too excruciating to get over quickly. It feels a bit crazy. I'm 40 and she's in early 50s,so not like we're teenagers.
    Problem is that I've grown closer to our mutual friends and made friends with some others in the meantime - it's quite a small circle and I'd love to spend more time with them.
    Just feel very flat and like I have big clumsy feet! Welcome any thoughts (and solidarity, and hugs). Was I right or was that the wrong thing? Has anyone else experienced this?
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Feelings are to be respected. If she didn't like talking about or reminded of some drug-induced hookup then it is her prerogative. It is also fine for you to have brought it up because your feelings are important too. You would have no idea that she would react that way. Well, not completely anyway.

    I think you want more than just partying but deep emotional resonance and true intimacy with another person. Why not leave drugs out of it then?
    Nancy likes this.

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