Several Questions

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by tbd, Sep 5, 2018.

  1. tbd

    tbd New Member

    Sep 5, 2018
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    Hi.. I'm new to this so thanks for any help you can give. I actually had several questions swirling around in my mind.. an answer to any of these would be so helpful!

    1. Can you know you're a lesbian without having dated anyone but after having seen many lesbian tv show/movie characters and feeling that you deeply relate to them?: Like some others, I feel like I first figured out I might like women after seeing a lesbian couple on tv. Before, when I would see heterosexual couples on the screen, I felt nothing and would sometimes look away during intimate scenes in general uninterest. But when I see two women together, it’s so beautiful and gives me all the feels. I also have crushes on some girls sometimes, but other than that, I have no experience to know for sure that I really do like women. Can anyone relate to this or think it is possible to know solely off of this?

    2. What does it mean when a girl touches you on the thigh?: A girl I recently met has become so touchy with me lately. I never really thought of her like that before.. but we started hanging out more often lately, and she has already started to put her hand on my thigh anytime she’s laughing or realizes something. Sometimes when we’re watching a movie or something, I’ll put my arm out on the couch arm rest, and often she’ll grab it at some point to get my attention. Other than that, she doesn’t ever really reach out to me on a daily basis since we’re both pretty busy, but I just don’t understand why she does this and how I’m supposed to respond.. is there anything I can do or say to figure out what it means?

    3. How to come out after you've already denied it pretty overtly?: I’ve considered coming out several times, but this past year alone, I feel like I’ve denied being gay a lot. For example, a girl asked me out and I told her I wasn’t into girls. Also, when a gay girl asked me my sexual orientation, I just quickly said I don’t know.. I guess straight. Basically, anytime someone would ask.. I would get really nervous and answer that I like guys/ am straight - which I think pretty much gave it away. But now I’m nervous to go back on everything I said, esp since some of my responses sometimes made it seem like I am not accepting of homosexuality, even though I definitely am. I was just so nervous for people to know before I was ready, and now I feel like I’ve dug too deep of a hole. Any advice?
    Also, I realize I shouldn't have responded in the ways I have.. but I get really anxious about people knowing before I know for sure. I come from a really conservative community. There was a popular girl in my school who recently came out and it was the biggest talk of the community.. and I really don't want to be known for this. I just like to be unseen.. and coming out would make that difficult.
    lilacblush likes this.
  2. Writer23

    Writer23 Well-Known Member

    Jul 14, 2018
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    Hi Tbd,

    1. Question one. Your first question was about orientation. “Can you know you're a lesbian without having dated anyone but after having seen many lesbian tv show/movie characters and feeling that you deeply relate to them?

    Homosexuality is based on attraction, not sex at all. “Attraction” is innocent and beautiful and pure. If you are aesthetically attracted to someone, it can lead to sexual and emotional attraction as well . This is what human attraction is. Homosexuality just mean that one is solely attracted to his or her some sex . With this in mind? Are you attracted to women? When you are out and about, do you find yourself… Do you notice men or women?

    2. Question two. If she believes that you are heterosexual , I am sure that it does not occur to her at all that she is touching you. On some level, you might have feelings for her and is ,therefore, hypersensitive to everything that she says and does. Unless you are absolutely certain that she has romantic feelings for you, say nothing. A touch from a girl can simply be a touch.

    3. Question three. Shakespeare once wrote that “This above all: to thine own self be true…”

    Stand in your truth unabashedly for yourself. To hell what others think about you. As long as you are not cruel or unkind to others, you are fine. The only certainty in life is death, so why live your life for others? They will talk no matter what - Let them and live in your truth

    tbd and greylin like this.
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    1. I think if I were in your shoes, I would definitely explore things with a woman.

    2. Women often do things like that with each other without meaning anything by it. I have run into that problem sometimes with a girl that I wasn't even looking at and she touched me and I had like these localized sparks all over me but she had no clue, like none, of what I was feeling. If you are uncomfortable with certain touches then often your body language and lack or reciprocation will give the clue that you don't do certain things physically and women generally pick up on that and would stop. Also, I know of mixed straight/gay women groups where they know each other's sexuality but the touches are understood as what they are, friendly affections. In other words, I would not make anything of it.

    3. I can see why you are uncomfortable coming out and be the talk of others. The thing is, it is really none of their biz. If you want to make an announcement, that is because you would quite like to. You make that announcement and celebrate it like hey guys, I just got me figured out, let's go for drinks. If you do that only because you feel you have to, like you are pressured to, then it is bs.

    If you want to go back to that gal who had asked you out for a date and let her know you are gay then do so, if you are interested in going out with her that is. If someone ever comes back at you seeing you with some hottie and go, hey, why you said you ain't gay? Well, just say you got it figured it out. It is a journey you know and it is all yours and nobody else's. You have not dug any holes. If people don't like whatever it was that you have gone through and get all judgy on you, they are not your people.
    tbd likes this.

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